May 2026 Life Update and Budget Review

Life Update

GRIEF

• No update here, so I'll repeat last month's update (again): This continues to be the centerpiece of my life. It is my immediate feeling when I wake up, as I go about my day, and as I drift off to sleep. It permeates everything.
  
  
• May was the sixth full month without my dad. The reality of the situation - I will never talk to, hug, or be able to see my dad every again, and he'll never be able to see, huge, or talk to me again (which is almost worse?) is hitting, and HARD. I cry every day still. Not always huge wracking sobs, but the tears come often.
  
  
• I finished the group grief counseling course. It was the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time. Now that it is over, I will need to make space and time for my grief. It spills out into my life naturally anyway, but it was very beneficial to me to have an allocated weekly event where I just focused on that one thing. Knowing that it was there helped me get through the tough weekdays.

 

PhD & WORK 

• Last month, I reported that: My supervisor asked AGAIN (again) about my defense. I am so tired of fighting for this boundary that I gave in and said she could give the signal to start planning it again. If I fail, I fail. I am so sad and emotional over it and have warned her what happens every time I think of it, so it'll be her fault if I blow it. I can't muster up enough resolve to fight anymore. 
  
  
• My PhD defense was subsequently scheduled for the first week of June.
  
  
• While preparing for the defense, the grief was overwhelming. I had so much to do to prep, and the supervisor that was supposed to help me went MIA. So I was swimming on my own. I felt so abandoned - not only by my supervisor, but by my dad. He was supposed to be there helping me get through it! It's not like it was his choice, but it still brought all the hurt to the surface. 

  I had a full break down two days before the defense and just had to go to bed to cope. It took everything I had in me - every single ounce of strength and resolve - to get up and continue prepping. I ended up staying up all night the night before (it was scheduled for 8:30 am) to prepare. It was a good thing I did! Most of what they asked about, I prepared responses for less than 10 hours prior. Who says you can't ADHD cram for a PhD?! ha.

• It was a weird experience. Oddly informal almost. It was completely over Zoom. There were six people there, including me, and two of those people were not allowed to speak. All of the strict rules were not as strict as I thought they were, but the questions were more difficult than I anticipated. I was told I only had 20 minutes to present my ENTIRE PhD, and practiced and cut content like crazy to get it to 19 minutes and something seconds. Only then for the person that ran the meeting to say that it was fine if I went over time and took like 25 minutes!! Gah, what are rules FOR?! 
  
  Also I was told that the examiners could only ask me questions that they'd sent in the examiner's report last year. But they ended up asking me tons of totally additional questions that I couldn't have prepared for! 
  
  I was sleep deprived, on the verge of tears, terrified of going over time and looking stupid, and just nervous the whole time - what if this was 12 years down the drain? - and I did not do as well as I could have. My answers rambled, my voice shook, and I was super awkward interacting with the examiners. 
  
  Eventually the examiners ran out of questions and went away for ~5 minutes to discuss the result. During that time, my supervisors and I were left on the Zoom. Immediately, the Bad Co-supervisor started telling me all the things I should have said instead. He made it all about himself and said that he couldn't even look at the camera. 
  
  However, my nice supervisor was super nice and said I sounded thoughtful and knowledgeable in my answers. At least I made the right decision keeping her as my main supervisor instead of the co-supervisor, as was the plan at the start!
   
• So, the result: I passed. Technically this is June news I'm reporting in the May update, but this is blog-worthy news! 
  
  I have thesis revisions I have to make, but it is close to being over. 
  
  After closing the Zoom, I collapsed in sadness and tears. Instead of being relieved or happy, I'm devastated. I feel AWFUL about it. I know I'm supposed to feel so good about it. 
  
  Once I stopped crying so hard, I called my mom and sister to report the news. Missing were my dad's proud yells and excitement. He was always the louder parent, and I'm missing that exuberance right now.
  
  I refused all the friends that wanted to immediately celebrate with me - I just am not in that headspace right now. Any celebration would end with me faking happiness or with me in tears, sobbing. I told them all I needed the weekend to process and do self care and take care of my living space, and that is what this first weekend of June is for, no one and nothing else. 
  
  
• Right after my defense, my boss said she had gotten a notice that my contract was expiring soon and we would need to talk. I'm very likely losing my 18-year job soon. My other contract with my employer lasts until end August, but then it looks like I have nothing on the horizon.

 

HEALTH & LIVING

• Still no flatmate. I will be looking for one soon.
  
  
• I have not been going to the gym. I'm just down in the dumps, never feel like going. It is the task switching aspect of it for me, plus wanting/needing to get certain bits of work done, plus the amount of time in my day it takes up. I wish I could get focused on my physical health again, but my grief just has taken over my life completely. Plus I was defence prepping (or worrying about defence prepping) for most of May.
  
  
• I had a dentist appointment this month: cleaning and dentist check up and X-rays. Very expensive - nearly $500!
  
  
• I went to urgent care in May. One day my left lower side felt a bit cramp-y but I thought it was just my period coming. The next day, I had a normal day at work but when I went home, the pain got really really strong. It was horrible. All I could do was curl up in bed and endure. Then I started vomiting violently. Not from the pain, though, something in my gut was just ...wrong.  
  
  The second round of vomiting without any relief from the pain saw me calling my friends who live two apartment buildings down from me to see if they could take me to the urgent care. It was about 9 pm at that point, and I'd been in excruciating pain since 5 pm with no relief. 
  
  They gave me some strong pain meds - which thankfully worked to relieve 90% of the pain - and took a urine sample. It came back with red blood cells and indicating an infection, so sent me away with a script for pain meds and antibiotics. I've now finished the antibiotics and my gut is still a little tender once in a while. 
  
  I'm supposed to take another urine test to confirm nothing is still going on there.
  
  
• Perhaps relatedly to my gut issues and the PhD stuff (see section, above), I've started to eat a whole lot less over the past few weeks. I'm just weirdly not very hungry most of the time. During the PhD, I used eating as an excuse to take breaks. I have to eat, sleep, etc. to live right? Eating became a way to avoid my PhD, guilt-free. That and maybe due to perimenopause, I gained weight and was teetering on the edge of 70 kg. That is too much for my frame, and I don't recognize myself anymore. 
  
  I hope not being as hungry leads to less snacking and eating for no reason. So far, so good. 
  
  
• My supplements game is a bit off: After my ER visit, I stopped taking the iron pills. I am just worried I'm doing some sort of damage to my gut/intestines as it causes severe constipation. I ran out of magnesium and multivitamins. I still take fish oil, vit B12, Vit D and K, and Biosil drops almost every day. I still need to add back iron and get some fiber in there, but those both can cause gut issues.
  
  
• I need to set my physio appointments up -  have done research and found one I want to try out. 
  
  
• I also want to go to the dermatologist and get a ferritin infusion since I stopped taking the iron pills.

 

TRAVEL & FUN 

• May was mostly me prepping for my defence, though I did go out to celebrate a friend's birthday. 
  
  
• I still have a weekly 'date' with some friends to catch up and watch a tv show, but I had to skip the last few as I was super busy with defence prep. 
  
  
• I saved up for so much travel post-PhD! But post-my dad passing, I do not feel like being anywhere except my home, cozy in solitude and in my comfy bed, or with my family in the US. Nowhere else has any sort of appeal right now. I want familiarity and low energy activities. The travel I do is usually the exact opposite of those things, and I can't fathom spending tons of money just to lay in a strange bed, not seeing or experiencing the new sights and culture around me - I may as well just stay home in a controlled environment if I'm going to just want comfort.
  
  

FAMILY

• My sister found out there is something wrong with her blood counts last month. She still hasn't gotten an appointment to get tested. Her doc didn't refer her properly or something, and it took my mom going with my sister to her follow up appointment for anything to happen. But the referral place doesn't even have appointments available for several months! 
  
  Also my sister had a few mental health crises and was threatening her own life and ended up in the hospital twice in May. 
   

MONEY THOUGHTS & MOVES

• With the high rent, gym membership, and new private health insurance, my spending is way above normal. That is just how it is right now.
   
• It is looking like I will lose my job starting in September this year, but my boss wants to keep me on my project. One option is to go freelance. I'm waiting for my employer's final decision on this.
  
  
• ChatGPT saved me some money already and potentially thousands! Firstly, my electricity and power company changed my plan to a more expensive one due to a meter upgrade requirement, but the meter subcontractor has not contacted me to get access to my meter to upgrade it, for over 7 months now. On the AI's behest, I complained and they now offer me a 44% credit to my account on my bill every month. That's already a few hundred bucks. 
  
  Secondly, my usual car service, Mevo, went into receivership and I had $1500 NZD worth of credit with them that I bought with a US credit card. I complained to the AI and they said to write into the US consumer financial protections office. The bank the credit card is with is now investigating. I don't have a ton of hope that I'll get any of that money back, but they didn't immediately reject my complaint, so that is something!
  

MONTHLY CHALLENGES

• Previously my challenge was to get back on the healthy exercise and eating train, but I keep failing. Therefore I give UP. I can't do it right now. It is time I face it and just try to get through the days as best I can.
  
  June will be another month like this. I just need self care and to get back in touch with my brain and body.

May 2026 Budget

I am earning a full salary now so things are extremely comfortable. I'm able to spend and save at levels like never before, but next month is the LAST month of full salary.

Income: $6,091.17

Salary: $5,654.42

Lending Crowd repayments: $81.40

Zagga repayments: $10.38

Garage rent: $325 

Previous month overage: $19.97 

Spending: $4,998.48 (82.1%)

Savings: $1,138.69 

Spending categories (budgeted amount in parentheses):

Rent: $3,025 - no flatmate

Groceries: $320.85 ($500) - I'm just not as hungry lately; and have been eating down my freezer.  

Electricity & Internet: $205.67 ($300) 

Eating out: $102.20 ($250) - I've been eating more red meat but don't necessarily want to cook it: Burger Fuel ($60.50); Downlow Burgers ($41.70)

Charity: $80 ($50) - Coastguard Lotto ($50); Heart Assoc. Lotto ($30)

Cell phone: $20 ($20) 

Medical: $834.67 ($100) -  Southern Cross premium ($237.49); dental clean and check up ($466.90); Urgent Care visit ($100); antibiotics scrip ($0.28)

Misc: $360.09 ($1K)

alcohol: $0 

entertainment: $0 

self care: $0

fees: $137 - $10 fee for Cityhop membership; $12 Chaotic Neutral patreon; $40 for chatgpt monthly fee; $75 monthly ANZ credit card fee (travel insurance); 

gifts: $142 - flowers for mothers day

goods and wants: $35 - toaster for house to replace busted one

transportation: $46.09 - flamingo scooters x 14; this is getting to be a bit of a bad habit.

travel: $0 

Savings and Funds Activity Update

• I transferred $1K NZD to Squirrel. That balance sits at about $61K, with $7,092 of that invested in various peer-to-peer loans at $100 each at 4.75% to 6.5% p.a.
  
  
• I have about $94K in Rabobank. 
  
  
• I have one Zagga investment ($1K total). One was drawn down. I converted this $ into USD and about $650 US is sitting in my US bank account ready to be invested in my US brokerage account.
   
• I am (still) waiting for Lending Crowd to start up again.
  
  
  

Net Worth Tracking

NZ Savings (cash): $157,370.39 NZD. This includes investments in peer to peer loans.

Peer to peer lending: $8,607.08 (Zagga, Squirrel, open principal at Lending Crowd)

• LendingCrowd: $569.31 NZD - principal still owed, repaid with interest in weekly installments
• Zagga: ~$940 NZD 
• Squirrel: $7,092 NZD

Kiwisaver: $141,115 NZD

US investments: $77,005.75 USD

Total Net Worth - NEW METHOD (May 2026): $331,539.39 NZD

I now only count long-term savings and investments in my Net Worth. This month's NW represents an increase of $11,315.16 NZD since last month, and an increase of $29,245.42 NZD since the beginning of the year. 

What is counted in my Net Worth now: 

• $60K NZD Former House Down Payment Fund (I will drip feed this into US investments)
• Kiwisaver (NZ retirement)
• Roth IRA
• Traditional IRA
• Berkshire Hathaway investment fund (non-dividend yield fund)
• Non-retirement investment account