Argh. I have a confession.
I think I need to face it now...I have some form of ADHD or am at least am on some similar spectrum. I feel terrible about it but also kind of feel better now that I (think I) know. The proof is below, and it...isn't pretty.
I am supposed to be finishing up my PhD and most days, I make progress towards this goal. I write, I edit, I do complex calculations in Excel spreadsheets, I read and research new-to-me concepts in my field. However, some days I utterly fail to do anything except harm my health, my progress, my mental well-being, you name it. Some days I sabotage myself.
This week, for several days, I did just that. I got a weird bug in my brain about playing a city building video game. Which, if you knew me, would be surprising. I am not into playing video games. At all. I mean, I did the normal grow-up-in-the-80's thing and played Super Mario Bros & was super into Tetris for a hot minute, but on the whole it didn't tickle my fancy. I never really did more than the basic games, and get bored after a while. This week? I dunno. I could blame Week 3 of Level 4 NZ lockdown but I downloaded Steam and started on a highly rated city building game that was on sale.
Reader, I did not do anything else for the next 20 hours. I played all through the night, the hours WHIZZING by, until I finally got defeated. And once that black screen came up, it was like waking up from a daze. I felt delirious and very very weird. My vision was off, I couldn't walk right, I hadn't eaten or done anything for a break except when forced to get up to use the bathroom. I wasn't even hungry. I then realized I had a Very Serious Problem, so uninstalled Steam.
I then went to sleep for 3 hours before a Zoom call I had for work at 3 pm. I worked a little more, went for a walk, came home, and ate dinner. Then I installed Steam again and played through the night AGAIN until I beat the game, about another 20 hours later. This time I set my phone alarms to make me more aware of how fast time was going by, and to give myself a reminder to at least wiggle my toes every once in a while.
Another stint of me not taking care of myself, not working, not doing anything that benefits me. Days of my life, wasted.
WHAT THE BLEEP. 40 hours in 3 days? I mean, I've had stints of hyperfocus before, for work under a deadline, but never for something so...pointless as this. My stance on video games has always been one of not seeing the point. At the end of it, what do you get for all that hard work?? I think it is great as a form of entertainment, but the problem is that it can just...never end if you don't want it to. That is dangerous for people like me, so I guess I protect myself by taking that 'pointless' stance.
I do this sort of 'hyperfocus' thing for just about every goal I have: travel planning, work, budgeting tasks, even writing blog posts! It definitely behooves me as long as the task is short-term, with a defined 'end point,' and I know what I need to do. However, with things that are meant to take a long time, and not completed in one sitting (PhDs! video games!), I don't know how to stop myself from keeping on going. Either my body forces me to (migraine/too tired to continue/etc), or I don't stop. There is no in between, no deciding not to continue as long as I can force myself to. I can't seem to get 'unstuck' or derail myself from a particular task or action when I've set the course. It takes more than I have in me to stop myself and go do something else.
I have investigated ADHD diagnosis clinics but the costs are in the thousands of dollars. I can't afford that right now! I need to monitor myself better and uninstall Steam. I am still tempted -- there are other storylines I could pursue. Yikes. I am very worried about myself.
I guess the silver lining of all this is that now I've sort of gotten some of this bug out of my system? And am feeling way more motivated to do my PhD work when the work week rolls around again. I just hope I don't fall into temptation again, or am able to place some serious hard boundaries around this potentially problematic habit.
