Potential ADHD Getting Worse

How can you tell if you are neurodivergent? Especially if you have spent your entire life trying to fit in and have developed intense, strict coping mechanisms?

I dunno, but being on Twitter for a while is kind of like constantly checking WebMD, in terms of the side effects. I follow a ton of ADHD folks and I'm starting to wonder if I am on the ADHD and/or autistic spectrum. Since the pandemic, all of these symptoms just seem to be getting worse.

After checking out a bunch of articles, like this one, and doing a ton of research, I'm still stumped. While I definitely relate to a lot of the common characteristics, there are also a number of ways I don't fit the mold. But I'm also wondering if my extreme not fitting the ADHD mold are not strong responses to intense criticism for these traits when I was younger. For example:

"a girl might be thought of as spacey, a day-dreamer, forgetful, or chatty"

 Nope. Not on any level. 

Spacey/DayDreamer: I hope people do not perceive me this way! I daydream a lot but only in private. When someone is in front of me, I try to give my full attention, because it is really hurtful when someone does not give that to me. (Get. off. your. phone.) I mask my spaceyness at work by recording meetings and conversations (with permission) and reviewing them later when I need them. With friends, I put on an 'I'm paying attention' face and concentrate really hard on what people are saying, (but usually I have to fidget with my hands or pillow tassels or something). This makes socializing very very energy intensive for me (could also just be because I'm an introvert, though) and I need tons of down-time after social activities.

Chatty: I have always been a very quiet person. Partly I think because my mom is and this is how I learned to be as a kid, and partly because I'm so terrified of saying the wrong thing. Before I say anything, I review it in my head a million times to make sure there is no way someone could get hurt from it, and to make sure I'm not saying something incorrect. I would hate to mislead someone.

Forgetful: Absolutely not. I pride myself on not forgetting that I said I'd do something. I'm also very careful what I commit to. I have created strict routines and habits around putting things in calendars and millions of reminders so that I do not make someone feel neglected or like I forgot them. To me, saying you'd do something with someone and then bailing or forgetting is the MOST HURTFUL thing you could do. I'm so sensitive to this when other people do it to me. I definitely do not want anyone to feel that way on my account. 

 

"Psychological distress, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and chronic stress are common. Often women with ADHD feel that their lives are out of control or in chaos, and daily tasks may seem impossibly huge."

YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES. Even the most basic things feels impossible, even when I was at my happiest and wasn't struggling with depression like I am now.

 

"When things feel out of control and she has trouble organizing and planning her own life, taking care of others seems nearly impossible. This role also may greatly increase her feelings of inadequacy." 

NO. I definitely would not say I have "trouble organizing and planning" my life. People often comment that I am the most organised person they have ever met. This is because if I didn't, I would completely fall apart. I have put into place very very strict routines and habits, and cut out every bit of possible 'caretaking of other people' that I can. I do not have children, I do not have a spouse, and I keep very few close friends. The thought of trying to ensure children/spouse are taken care of in addition to myself feels impossible. There is no way I would be able to keep up. So, while taking care of my own needs is do-able (with a ton of discipline and effort), the idea of taking care of anyone else would not be. Therefore, I have structured my life in a way that I do not have those responsibilities.

Basically, I have organised and finessed my way around my personality to appear 'normal.' I guess this is masking my usual tendencies.

 

Other things on the checklist:

• Your desk at work is piled high with papers. Even when you make a big effort to tidy it, it only stays clear for a day or two. NO, not really? I do have some piles of papers but they are tidy enough, and organised well.
  
• Being at the office feels difficult. The noise and people make it hard to get work done. YES
  
• You often stay late at the office, as the only time you can work well is when everyone else has left and it's quiet. YES!!! working from home has been amazing for me.
  
• You spend a lot of time and effort to look "normal," and hope no one notices the real you. YES
• You feel like you're drowning in paper. At work, home, in your car, and even in your purse. You have an uneasy feeling that unpaid bills and forgotten projects are hiding under the paper. Not really? If anything, I'm drowning in digital detritus (emails, files, etc).
  
• You dislike going to parties and other social gatherings because they make you feel overwhelmed and shy. YES, most of the time.
  
• Your mind drifts during conversations unless you're the one talking or it's a topic you find very interesting. YES
• Friendships can be difficult to navigate because social rules seem complicated. Sort of? My goal is to be kind and that seems to work, but it is true I find making friends very very hard. But don't most middle-aged adults??
  
• You talk more than anyone else you know. NOOOOOOOOO. Definitely not.
  
• Growing up, you were always described as a tomboy because you had so much energy and liked to be busy. NO. I mean, I liked being busy but my mom scheduled fun extracurriculars to the max. I never had any free time. I don't remember having a lot of energy--I slept in as much as possible.
  
• You don't feel organized with money and are usually behind with bills. Hahaha. Look where I'm posting this. NO
• You often overspend to compensate for other problems. For example, you don't have a clean outfit to wear for an office party so you buy a new one. Or you forgot someone's birthday, so you buy an expensive present to make up for it. I don't have the money for this
  
• Shopping trips make you feel better in the moment, but you feel regret later when the credit card bill arrives. YES
• You spend a lot of time, money, and research on products to help you be more organized, but then you don't use them. YEEEEEESSSSS I have tried SO MANY DIFFERENT APPS!
  
• You feel very embarrassed to have guests visit your home because it's so cluttered and disorganized. YES
• You wish you were able to be a better friend, partner, or mom, and that you would do the things that other people do. For example, you wish you could remember birthdays, bake cookies, and arrive on time for a date. YES, even with all my efforts I still don't think it is enough.
  
• Because you're not able to do the things that society expects women to do, people may think you don't care. YES
• Grocery stores overwhelm you, and you find it hard to make decisions about what to buy. YES Decisions are the worst and this is why I shop online and do grocery pick up now.
  
• You often forget a key ingredient for a meal even though you take longer in the store than most people do. YES. this was my life pre-shopping online.
  
• It feels like each day is spent responding to requests and limiting disasters rather than moving forward with your goals. YES. 1000%
  
• You feel frustrated that people you went to school with pass you by with their achievements, even though you know you're just as smart. YES. Everyone seems to be moving forward with their lives and makes things look easy.
  
• You feel crushing sadness and frustration that you haven't met your potential. YES.
  
• Little things can push you over the top and you become emotional. YES
• You find it hard to relax. YES 
• Motor control issues YES 
  

 

 Of course, a lot of this could be chalked up to some other combo of issues--anxiety disorders, depression, perfectionism, a sleep disorder/delayed circadian rhythm, and even something autoimmune. It is just so hard to tell what is something about myself that I've learned to work around to get by in life vs what is an actual symptom. But I do consistently score high on these checklists...here is another:

• Do you feel overwhelmed in stores, at the office, or at parties? Is it impossible for you to shut out sounds and distractions that don’t bother others? YES
• Is time, money, paper, or “stuff” dominating your life and hampering your ability to achieve your goals? YES
• Do you often shut down in the middle of the day, feeling assaulted? Do requests for “one more thing” put you over the top emotionally? YES
• Are you spending most of your time coping, looking for things, catching up, or covering up? Do you avoid people because of this? YES!!!!
• Have you stopped having people over to your house because you’re ashamed of the mess? YES
• Do you have trouble balancing your checkbook? YES, I do not try anymore, as long as I get 'close enough' to balanced (within a few tens of dollars), I'm happy.
  
• Do you often feel as if life is out of control, and that it’s impossible to meet demands? YES!!!!!
• Do you feel like you’re always at one end of a deregulated activity spectrum — either a couch potato or a tornado? YES. Mostly I am a potato. but when I 'do stuff' I am all over the place.
  
• Do you feel that you have better ideas than other people but are unable to organize them or act on them? Sort of? I have great ideas but have a very hard time finishing them.
  
• Do you start each day determined to get organized, and end each day feeling defeated? YES!!!! EVERY SINGLE DAY!
  
• Have you watched others of equal intelligence and education pass you by? Sort of? I don't feel like I'm more intelligent than most people. But I do feel like people with spouses/partners and or children and/or major hobbies outside of work are more capable than me somehow, and that I would never be able to cope with their responsibility loads.
  
• Do you despair of ever fulfilling your potential and meeting your goals? YES!!! ALL THE TIME!
  
• Have you ever been thought of as selfish because you don’t write thank-you notes or send birthday cards? No one has ever said it to my face, but...?
  
• Are you clueless as to how others manage to lead consistent, regular lives? YES!!!!!!!!! THIS SO MUCH THIS.
  
• Are you called “a slob” or “spacey?” Are you “passing for normal?” Do you feel as if you are an impostor? YES to the imposter thing and passing for normal. It was all sort of ok in my 20's and early 30's, now in my 40's people are definitely questioning me more and wondering to my face if I'm normal.
  
• Is all your time and energy taken up with coping, staying organized, and holding it together, with no time for fun or relaxation? YES. Though I have to sit down for many hours doing nothing to recover from 'holding it together.'
  

I also exhibit a lot of these hyper-sensory issues:

• people and sudden loud noises regularly startle me while I'm focused on something
• I can't hear people talking in loud situations (bars, parties) and have to constantly get people to repeat themselves because I cannot distinguish what they are saying compared to the surrounding noise.
  
• super dry, stiff towels. this one is weird. I cannot STANNNNDD hard towels that have been washed without any sort of fabric softener or dryer sheets, mostly found in cheaper hotel rooms where they just mass-wash and dry towels to the nth degree. When I touch one, it makes my ENTIRE BODY gag. I didn't even know that was possible but that is the best explanation for what happens when I have to touch one of these stupid towels.
  
• tags on clothes, or any sort of animal fabric or acrylic where the ends of the threads stick out, irritate my skin so badly I break out in a huge rash.
• I need a completely quiet environment to sleep. I run a fan for white noise, or bring earplugs to use. When I was a kid, I had a huge problem going to sleep and could hear the TV on, even at low levels with the door closed, in a room all the way across the house. Luckily my dad was very accommodating when I got up and complained. I just wear earplugs to sleep during home visits now.
  
• In quiet places, small regular noises (a drip, ticking clocks, people clicking pens or rubbing something regularly, etc) DRIVE ME INSANE. I have to fix the problem or else it is all I can focus on. It comes in handy when driving--several times I've ID'd an odd noise happening within the engine and saved a lot of headaches/work that would have become bigger problems later. 
•  I'm super sensitive to smells. I've taken to spraying a lavender spray in my room and tucking cachets of good smelling things in my closet drawers to mask any weird smells coming from the kitchen, for example.
• If I haven't eaten in a while and I'm super hungry, eventually I will start gagging. It is so weird. I think this is a physical response my body has developed because I will forget to eat if I'm hyperfocused on something, work, etc. My body has made my low blood sugar impossible to ignore.
• My throat is super sensitive to sharp, hard foods, e.g. raw carrots. I therefore eat very slowly and chew my food for a long time before swallowing. This makes some foods weird to eat. Raw carrots will lose their flavor and become stringy after a lot of chewing, so I just don't eat raw carrots anymore. Friends have commented on how weird this is.
• I have to physically plug my ears when I hear/see an ambulance, fire truck, or police coming with their siren on. The sound when they pass is so painful. Also, I hate hand dryers in bathrooms. The noise is unbearably loud.

 

So that is the list. I had tried to set up an appointment to get assessed before, but the therapist never wrote me back (annoying). I will try again!