Spending

My spending on this vacation so far is out of control!! ...but I knew it would be. I checked my bank account and credit cards today to see where I stood after my crazy DC weekend.

I had transferred a little bit from my NZ account to my US account to spend while I was here. Even after the spending last weekend, I have about $50/day to spend on whatever I want. With lodging (parent's house) and meals (parents again) covered, that gives me plenty to play with. Other than shopping for things that are expensive or non-existent in NZ (certain toiletries, clothes, wireless router!), gas for the car and random stuff should be covered with that budget.

July is going to be a no-save month due to this vacation, but since I made all of my 2009 goals, that's ok.

Oooh, did I mention that I got a tiny raise ($1.3K) with my new contract before I left NZ? No? Well, I did. And it turns out that when I sign up for the Kiwisaver and start making contributions, I will be taking home less than I do now. (ew) I'm mainly signing up for that $1K kickstart...is there any way to stop contributions after you start? I'm definitely going to miss that extra income, even if it is tiny!

Feelin Good

Maybe it's the XBF-free environment, the love hangover from spending time with my very best friends that I love and miss, or maybe it's the warm weather and enough down time to sleep as much as I need/want to, but I feel great since leaving NZ. Or it could be because I found $10 on the ground today!! :) The crazy lump in my throat is (mostly) gone--I don't notice it all the time like I did in AKL, and my tiredness and fatigue comes at appropriate times, like bedtime and the 3 pm afternoon lull.

And I haven't even kept up with my gluten-free diet, or been working out or eating well. (I have been walking around a LOT though, particularly when I was in DC last weekend.) I sleep pretty normal hours, and not 12+ hours/day like I have been. I'm awake from about 8:30 am to 12 am; that doesn't happen in NZ. Recently, I've noticed that if I go to bed in NZ at 12 am, I sleep until about 11 am the next day if I don't set my alarm, and I still feel tired very easily (ie, with any sort of exercise or moving around, even walking). I'm no doctor, but my take on this, given my experiences, is that how I feel is related to the weather--my illness seems to get worse in cold weather and better in warm. Interesting, and something to tell the doc whenever I get one that will actually listen to me!!

My dad has chronic fatigue. My mom has bought all sorts of books to help him deal with it that sit unused and unread on the shelf here. I intend to read up on it while I'm home to see what the coping strategies are; even if that isn't what I have, maybe something in there will help! It will at least give me some ideas.

My birthday is tomorrow! I am now well into my thirties. Yuck. I wonder how long I will continue to act and feel like I am 23?

Hiatus Loving

[My laptop charger cord cut out on me a mere three days before my trip, and then as soon as I landed in my homestate I jetted off to DC, so I've been offline for over a week! Sorry about that...]

Wow. I totally love the US. The food, the people, our PRESIDENT, the stores, the prices...this past weekend with my best friends freaking rocked, and the DC weather the past few days was AMAZING--go global warming! Usually in July-August, the DC area is disgustingly humid and sweat-inducing, even at night and early in the morning. Not so this past weekend (it maybe got a tiny bit humid from about 2-4 pm, but nothing horrible), and I'm really grateful! It is such a welcome change after having to wear my fleece/gloves/scarf every day in Auckland.

We'll see how I feel in a few weeks, but the past few days in NoVA-DC has solidified my resolve to eventually move back to the East Coast and live nearer to my family and friends, and settle down here permanently. It's feeling more and more 'right.' DC is awesome, and more and more of my friends are settling in or near the area. I've even thinking strategically about the finance angle--I'll aim to live in MD or VA where taxes are less, and then commute into DC for work or fun via the Metro. I still need to talk to my parents about the house downpayment idea, but I'm pretty sure they'd be happy to help me out.

Two years! I can totally do NZ for two years for an amazing job if this is what is waiting for me on the other side! :)

[One note: I'm kind of loving this break from my normal routine/life, of which posting and blogging and commenting and twittering is a part, so I'm going blog-lite on this vacation. Regular posts will resume in a few weeks.]

Washington DC

Any suggestions for bars, clubs, or restaurants for next Friday - Sunday? Especially Happy Hours...trying to save money where we can!

Taking over the District

I'll be flying home next week to the East Coast. I am trying to see as many people as possible on my 3-week trip home, and it just so happens that the ONLY time I can see my 3 girls from grad school is in DC, next weekend. Our schedules mesh for that time and that time only, and that's just barely--one of them has to take Sunday off for that even to happen.

So, I'll have a 24+ hour flight through LA and Cleveland, and then fly into my home state around 10 pm. From there, I have an hour's drive to my parents' house (they will come pick me up so I don't have to drive after my looonng flights). I'll have to immediately eat some yummy American junk food and shower, and then go to bed, because I will not have slept in approximately 40 hours at that point! As soon as I wake up the next day, I'll have to start the 3-4 hour drive up to DC, relearning the right-hand side techniques of driving again! Luckily it's all mostly interstate, anyway.

Ah, but it will be so worth it. I haven't seen a few of these gals in years, although we talk pretty regularly. For the four years I was in grad school, we were inseparable from the day that I flew in until the day I flew out. They are all distributed across the northeast now--Philly, NYC, and Boston. One of them happens to be in DC for work, so the other two are flying in while I'm driving up to DC. I'm so excited that this is working out!

On top of that, my best friend from college just moved to DC. He knows these girls from his trip out to visit me in grad school, and they all get along. So I get 4 best friends for the price of one trip!

The costs will be:

--gas to/from DC
--groceries (place we are staying has a kitchen)
--dinners and drinks out
--any tourist activities (?? no idea...we're all science-y so we'll probably hit up the Smithsonian Natural History M.)
--$103 per person for 3 nights for accomodation with kitchen, fold out couch, king size bed, etc. in the downtown area (one of the friends has a special government rate so doesn't pay taxes/fees and gets a discount for the place)

Parking is taken care of because I can park in my friend's guest spot at his apartment.

Hmmm, I'll also have to have my suitcase ready to go to DC so I don't have to worry about it when I wake up and rock out of the door to DC.

I love traveling to see people I like! It won't be so fun coming back the other way...even if it is NZ!

Brainstormin'

Whoa, y'all, it is lightnin 'n' thunderin' up in here!

I guess I've been feeling a bit aimless and lost lately. I don't have my contract at work yet, so I may not have a job after August 4. I may have to leave NZ then, too (there's no point staying here unless I have my current job, and other jobs here are scarce). I have been looking at jobs near my parent's house to see what's out there. Wooo, man, even for my back up career, the jobs are few and far between. Usually there are tens of job postings for that kind of work, and I think I found about two within a 60 mile radius of my parent's house. And the salary for them is probably not that great.

Any plans I had for marriage and kids in the near future are scrapped (and I'm just not looking or ready to think about dating now--that probably won't change for a very long time).

So. Yeah. 31 (in a few weeks) and I'm going nowhere. This job I have has no equivalent in the US, so even though I LOVE MY JOB, it doesn't really help me in terms of my long-term aspirations. At best, I'm getting some training in some software that may come in handy later.

But seriously, I am not going to be able to rock up to Monster.com and find the next rung on the ladder. Once this job ends, so does this career. That fact makes this whole NZ escapade feel somewhat pointless.

The theme of my life lately has been one of, 'WTF AM I DOING?!' And that applies to basically every facet of my life: career, friendships, family, relationships. I am just sort of floating along with no plan, no goals (except financial), and no direction. I am searching in vain for an anchor. And in the absence of one, my brain has been grasping for anything that feels vaguely satisfying and goal-worthy. Maybe this is partly why people have kids: to have a purpose.

Hence all the goals and plans posts.

My new-new idea is to finish up here in NZ in two years (crossed fingers), move home, and live at my parents' house while I save up money for a downpayment on a house. I don't know why I didn't think of it before! I'm sure they'd let me, and I'd of course pay some rent and utils in return. I'd have to commute about an hour each way, but hopefully that would only last for the 5-8 months of solid saving.

I actually looked on real estate listings today. My plan is to buy a cute 2-3 bed, 2-3 bath townhouse with a fenced in yard (for a dog), and a community pool and fitness room, and then rent out one of the other bedrooms to help pay the mortgage. Prices may bounce back in the next few years, but I can find all that for about $150-$250K.

So if I do get my contract, I can work towards that goal for the next two years, and have some idea of what my next step is. Because while it is liberating and exciting for to drift for a certain amount of time, it gets stale and frightening after too long. Life starts to pass you by, and you realize that you have nothing to show for it.

None of the Above

I feel so awful today that I feel like crying. My brain is fuzzy, I couldn't get out of bed, I can barely string together sentences, my throat has a huge lump in it...and it's not swine flu, or even regular flu. That's just how I feel in the winter. I have felt this way for months at a time before. Last winter, if you remember, I went to the doctor about 4 times to complain and get blood tests done, only to be told it was in my head. Well, that feeling is back after lessening by about 50% in the summer months. It was all still there, but it was much easier to manage, somehow.

I called in sick for the morning and managed to go into the office around 2 pm. I was too tired to go to my 2 hour dance class tonight, too. I really love my dance class, and my job, too, so that just shows how bad it is. Something is WRONG. My symptoms have gotten so much worse as the weather got colder, windier, rainier here in NZ. By comparison, I almost felt normal in the summertime. These days, I can barely make myself get up and do things like grocery shopping. I come home from an hour outside, not even doing much, and I'm utterly exhausted.

I know I keep complaining about this. I've tried experiments to figure out what is exactly wrong before, and nothing has worked, but I have to do something, so I'm going to try them all again. Like the scientist I am, I'll change one thing at a time to see if each change helps, and then maybe I'll start experimenting with combining solutions.

First up, a gluten free diet (thanks for your comment on my last health post, Mary!). According to the websites I read, it only takes a few days to figure out if you are allergic; you start feeling better very quickly after eliminating gluten. So that's an 'easy' test. My shopping bills are going to be enormous for this. I will have trouble with this, too, as I normally consume bread and processed foods like mad. But I'm willing to do anything to stop feeling this way.

Other options/conditions as to why I'm feeling this way:
--chronic fatigue syndrome (not sure how to 'treat' this; go to a dr.)
--bad diet (eat more fruits/veggies/cut out bad stuff!)
--bad exercise habits (work out at least a half hour a day)
--mitral valve prolapse syndrome (add salt and drink more water)
--hypothyroid (go to a dr. that cares about how I feel and not just blood tests)
--food or environmental allergies (get tested by a dr.)
--epstein barr virus (dr.?)
--remnant mononucleosis (this doesn't officially exist, but I haven't felt better since I got mono in 2003) (dr.?)
--depression/anxiety/SAD? (therapist or dr.?)
--central nerve disorder/fibromyalgia? (dr.)

What is fascinating to me is that several of these relate to the central nervous system or autoimmune diseases. It's like somehow my body got derailed when I got mono, and I haven't been able to find the right track yet.

When I get PR, I'll set up appts. with several doctors in Auckland. I talked to this Dr. down in Hamilton, Dr. Bill Reeder, who is sensitive to hypothyroid and similar conditions where the symptoms do not match the bloodwork. He was so very nice, and immediately suggested 3 or 4 doctors in my area that may be able to help me. (His office is a few hours' drive south.)

I just want this to stop, I want to be able to go to work in the morning like a normal person, without having to drag my body around all day in a fog. I love my job, and I feel like this fatigue and mental dimness is destroying my ability to do it well. I partly blame the demise of my relationship on this, as well; XBF just got to a point where he was fed up with me not remembering things he had told me, and how I 'acted dumb' when he knew I was smart, and how I never felt like going out or doing anything. He really couldn't understand that it wasn't me not trying hard enough. It affects my social ability too; I hate meeting new people because I know my brain isn't sharp as it used to be. Sometimes someone says something, and it literally takes me minutes to come up with an answer or response. I used to be much, much quicker; I was witty and sarcastic even. Now? none of the above.

Just a bad day...I know it will get better at some point (next summer?), but in the meantime I have to just keep truckin'!

Yesterday was BAAAAAD.

And not in the awesome Michael Jackson way.

I live for my work here in NZ, ever since XBF and I broke up and the kids at work basically started shunning me for no reason at all. (They ignore me completely, even when I directly ask them a question or say hello. If a higher-up is in the room and I ask a work question, only then do they respond to me.) Somehow I've become the new enemy. ? It's weird and stupid.

I honestly have done nothing to these people except be friendly, go out for drinks once in a while, and play with them on their team. I actually thought a few of us were friends. I guess people feel like they have to choose sides in a nasty breakup. *shrug* And I didn't even precipitate the breakup OR cheat on XBF. Or lie to his face. I don't get it. I think the 'worst' thing that I've done is take him up on his offer to pay for the apartment until August, when I'll know if I can stay in the country or have to leave. He was a huge reason why I'm here, and if I hadn't have applied for permanent residency, I would HAVE to leave the country then (if PR doesn't come through in the next month and a half, I WILL have to leave!). I appreciate that he's stuck to his word (with a little bit of reminding from me) so far.

So back to yesterday--I completely screwed up at work. I crashed a multi-million dollar machine, one that apparently took 5 years to build from scratch. Singlehandedly, I corrupted 3 years worth of sample files. SINGLE HANDEDLY.

I had asked for help with this particular project, and had a firm deadline. When the people that I asked for help from didn't show up, and I couldn't find them to help me, I decided to get the job done myself. I found a how-to folder near the machine, marked clearly as the how-to folder for that particular machine, and completed my task in a half an hour. Easy-peasy. Or so I thought. Everything was working perfectly when I left the machine.

Turns out, that how-to folder is obsolete. Everything I did was WRONG.

What is surprising is how easy it was to mess up. (They think) that it took changing my sample folder name on the computer that controls the machine to do all that damage.

I know how badly I messed up. I'm upset about it, very much so. It shouldn't have happened, but I don't think it was entirely my fault. A) if folder names shouldn't be changed, there should be a lock on them, or at least a warning that pops up. B) those files should be backed up somewhere. C) that obsolete how-to folder should not be in plain sight of the operator of the machine. and D) if someone asks for help and you make an appointment to help before the deadline, you should show up.

I was so flustered about that craziness that later I dropped a tiny sample that is super-important to the project I'm working on. I dropped this sample on a textured, patterned floor, and the tweezers I was using shot it across the room. I heard the sample hit some metal, and then there was silence. Silence and crossed eyes. For about 2 hours while some people helped me find it again. At least we did find it. Whew.

I apologized for screwing everything up on the machine, and explained the dilemma I had as best as I could. There is a slight possibililty that it isn't completely my fault--everything was working fine when I left the machine, and a coworker of mine used it after me. However, I am currently taking all the blame for the mess up, because I was around and offered up the easiest explanation for why it was corrupted when it was discovered.

I feel just awful. I feel like so many things have spiraled out of my control and ability to do well lately--my relationship, my 'friendships,' my health, now my job. Despite the social aspect there, my job is THE most enjoyable, happy thing about my life in NZ. I'm doing what I love, and it is so disheartening to make such a huge mistake. I'm very disappointed in myself. When things like this happen I have the urge to slink back to retail, where I can't screw anything up too badly. Right now, I guess you could say that I suck at life.

In spite of all that, I remain an eternal optimist! I keep trying, I don't give up, I keep doing the best I know how. That has to count for something! To keep some perspective, I remind myself that it could be so much worse. If I were a doctor, someone could have died, or have been seriously injured. That machine I crashed still works, but those files are lost forever. Hopefully most of them were not needed anymore. And if they were, hopefully the user has copies of them somewhere (I kept copies of all the files I made). If not--it's only money and time that were lost. Hopefully something good comes out of this (like a new how-to folder, a lock on file names, and maybe the machine director keeping his/her appointments).

But if my contract comes through, I'm not going to ask for a raise like I planned. If they dock my salary, I'll take it. I'll just be grateful that they haven't fired me yet.

On a brighter note, I think that I'm going to get to see several of my really good friends during my trip home next week!! Our schedules have quite miraculously lined up.

[EDIT: No one even mentioned this after the day it happened. Still got a (tiny) raise. It was my fault but I guess Kiwis are pretty chill about this kind of thing.]

Flashback

Oh my...I was going through some of my old posts and stumbled upon this one. How lovely that two years later, my wish had come true??

Goals

What with my 2009 goals finished, I'm in a tizzy choosing new ones (as you probably noticed). I continue my tizzy here.

2009 (July - December) Goals

1. Make non-work friends
2. Fill out US EF goal to $5K USD (approx. $3.8K NZD)
3. Say yes to as many social activities as I can muster
4. Keep learning how to play chess and knit and paint
5. join that club I've been meaning to join
6. work out regularly
7. learn to cook more frugally and inexpensively
8. explore! New Zealand and its surroundings whenever there is time, money, and energy
9. maximize my time working for these very smart people; make the most of this opportunity to work in the field that I adore
10. Stop being so lazy; OR figure out why I'm so tired all of the time (ie see more doctors, take better care of myself [eating/sleeping/exercise habits], try new medications/herbs?)
11. Implement my 15 minute method again.
12. Work on happiness goals.
13. Try Meetup.com
14. Get over the XBF situation at work. FOR REAL.
15. Kick my internet addiction.

2010 Goals (Financial)

1. Save $6K for US travel
2. Save $4K for NZ, Oz, Pacific Islands Travel
3. Fill out my #1 and #2 slush fund objectives

5 Goals for the next 5 Years:

1. Gain useful skills and contacts in my current job that will set me up for a future career in the US at the organization I want.
2. Move back to the US, get a job at the organization I want.
3. Save up for a house downpayment; get a dog.
4. Be able to max out my Roth every year I'm in the US
5. Half-max my 401K, at least.

10 Goals for the next 10 Years:

1. Get married
2. Have kids if we want them
3. Max out my 401K
4. Keep my job at the organization I want to work in
5. Travel to Europe
6. Stay out of debt
7. Hire a personal trainer (until I can figure out how to maintain myself)
8. Hire a nutritionist (until I can figure out how to maintain myself)
9. Go to a therapist and work on any issues I have
10. Find a church I like or other spiritual outlet (I'm against organized religion as a whole but I recognize my need for some sort of higher purpose and order to this crazy life)

New Idea...

I should create a sort of NZ slush fund to be converted to USD when the exchange rates rebound again. I've met my NZ 2009 goals already, so the rest is just gravy, and can wait until a choice time to convert!

I need to concentrate on a house downpayment, and most of all--retirement!! That area needs some major work. When I do move back to the US and assuming I can get a good job, I will be eligible to contribute to a 401K or its equivalent again, and also my Roth! So, when I get back to the US, I can immediately have my annual Roth contribution set up, and live off of the rest of that slush fund while most of my paycheck goes to catching up on my retirement. Or should I save it for a house downpayment? Oy. Well, that bridge has yet to come in my journey.

My long-term, dream financial goal, to be achieved in the next 30 years:

1) Max out Roth IRA every year ($5K +)
2) Max out 401K every year ($16.5K +)
3) Be able to save at least $1K a month ($12K)
4) Live off of the rest (approx. $24K/year)
5) Save up for a house downpayment, and pay off my mortgage
6) Somehow ALSO save up for a wedding fund, kids' college funds, and some fun European (and north and south american, AND African AND Australian) travel in there.

With a 30% tax rate (which hopefully includes medical insurance payments, Medicare, disability, state taxes, etc.), I'd need a salary of about $100K, $85K for just goals 1 through 4. Sigh. I feel like I'll never get there. I currently make $50K NZD, which is equivalent to about $30K USD! That is just depressing. How on earth am I supposed to get there? I feel like I am running out of time to save! I can do 1, 3, and 4 pretty easily, but the rest of it is pretty tough given my salary.

You eat an elephant one bite at a time. So, I will try to do the following:

My first goal will be to finish saving my US EF of $5K. That's about $3,677 NZD. Next, I'll save for one year's worth of Roth contributions ($5K USD; $8,334 NZD), then go for a house downpayment if I've got any time left. That way, when I get back to the States, I'll have my yearly Roth contribution ready to go, a baby EF set up, and the beginning of a house downpayment fund. I'm assuming that any extra NZD (my $10K NZ EF, for example) will probably be eaten up by moving and set up costs such as rental security deposits, furniture, car buying, and the like.

I'll also need to set up some goals for 2010. Traveling to see my family will again cost around $6K a year or so (assuming prices increase a bit), and then I'll also want to travel to Australia, Antarctica, around NZ, and some islands, and buy some quintessential NZ keepsakes like artwork, sheepskin something or others, and ...I'm not sure what else ($4K).

Oh, I sincerely hope I get a raise with my new contract (which apparently was signed last week and is going through HR at the moment).

June Net Worth

Assets:

RaboPlus account (3.6%): $13,697.81 NZD
KiwiBank Savings (3.25%): $2,959.65
KiwiBank Checking: $606.65

Total in NZ Savings: $16,657 NZD
My 2009 Goals account for $16,600 of that money ($10K EF; $1.1K laptop; $2.5K travel; $3K Car).

USD:
US Checking: $639.82
ING: $1.75
HSBC: $2,792.17

Total in US Savings: $2,794 USD

Retirement (USD):
Traditional (Vanguard) IRA: $4,418.95 (Down from $6.5K last July! UGH)
Roth IRA: $3,304.99

Total in Retirement (US): $7,723.94

Debts: $0 I owe no-thin' to no-body. Yeah!

Assuming that $1 NZD = 0.60 USD, my net worth is about $21.5K USD. Wow. Last year around this time it was hovering around $25K USD. Even factoring in the stock market crash, I took a huge hit when I moved to NZ and started making the depressed NZ dollars. On the bright side, my NZ net worth is about $36K!

Personal

During our trip to Wellington this past week (a day that was approximately 16 hours long, ugh), my boss asked me why exactly XBF and I broke up. It just came up out of the blue, we weren't talking about anything remotely related to it beforehand. I was silent for a moment, and decided not to get into it in too much detail. I just said something vague like 'It wasn't working out for him, I guess.' And then I bit my tongue, trying not to tell her to BUTT OUT, LADY. Why on earth should she care to know these kinds of things? I just don't get it. I would never ever ask my coworker why exactly she/he and their partner broke up, unless we were really close friends outside of work. My boss and I have a good working relationship, and I know vague details like she has a few kids and the occupation of her husband, but nothing too intimate. And I like it that way. It's professional, it's courteous, it's distant but friendly, and it's exactly how I like my professional relationships to be.

I didn't want to be rude to my boss, but I also don't want to be that girl, the one that spreads all her sh*t around the office in a bid to make the guy look bad or stir up the rumor mill. My boss has to work with my XBF, after all. Less out of respect for him and our relationship, it's more like I want to be able to respect myself and how I handled the breakup, later on. And talking about details with our coworkers is not on the path of self-respect for me, even if he has no qualms about telling the director of our company about it.

Is that so wierd? Why aren't people letting this go? If work weren't involved in this mess, I wouldn't even be blogging about it now. I just want to forget it happened at all and MOVE ON. We have.

Wishing...

I entered a contest to win $1M two days ago...and ever since I've been thinking about how much awesome would come out of winning. If I won, I could take $30K for 30 years or $500K lump sum.


Duh as to my choice. $30K for 30 years would not only get me more money out of winning (not to mention cut down on taxes) but would set me up for a comfortable life. Maybe I wouldn't have $100K to blow upfront, but having that $30K a year in addition to my normal job would make all my wildest dreams come true, financially at least.


My main concern these days (and that agrees with the results of the poll I recently took) is retirement. I simply just don't have enough in retirement.


I'm having some dilemmas as to how to reach the long-term goals you see over there on the sidebar (NOW EDITED--my apologies). My 2009 goals are met now, and they were, I guess, too easy to meet. My house downpayment fund and retirement fund goals, on the other hand, are way too hard. $60K? $1M? How on effing EARTH am I supposed to get both done, at the same time as living my life and saving for regular annual stuff? It seems impossible. And so my mind wishes and hopes for a miracle...like winning the lotto or this $1M contest.