2018 Goal Review

In the beginning of 2018, I had two main goals and a ton of other extra goals which were mainly things I would have done anyway--easy wins, if you will.

How'd I do?

My main two goals were:

1. Go to bed earlier, wake up earlier--consistently. 
2. Hire a personal trainer and incorporate more exercise into my life.

Well. I failed at both, in varying degrees. I just do not make my mental and physical health a priority like I should. I let my fatigue and inertia and will to do what I want when I want to take over. Also procrastination.

I still stay up til like 4 am wandering around the internet and reading books until I am tired, sleep until about 1 pm, and then start my day. That schedule seems to be where I end up every time I try to start over fresh, like after I travel to a new time zone across the world, or when work demands that I wake up at a reasonable hour for many days in a row. I honestly do not know how to change this thing about myself.

When I make myself wake up at a normal time, I am useless for the whole day--my brain doesn't work and I end up needing a nap around 3 pm. Even if I push through and don't nap, I end up getting a second wind and staying up until 4 am again. If I schedule something for earlier in the day to try to force myself to get up, I end up cancelling the meeting/event/whatever, or just not going, because I cannot make myself get out of bed. I mean...I suppose I COULD, if I were on fire or something, but unless it is something like a flight or super important meeting with my boss, I keep sleeping. And even then, I have to talk myself into getting up and briefly consider not going. It is a problem. Maybe I need to start drinking coffee? But then again, that would require me to...get out of bed. Maybe I should consider accepting this about myself and working around it? But life/other people would not understand. I end up hiding my schedule and pretending I am normal a lot. It makes me feel like I am terribly lazy and useless.

I do not know what to try to fix this. All I know is, I just want to be normal. I am going to keep trying.


I did hire a personal trainer but quit when I almost threw up after the *warm up* in my second session. The warm up was designed to get my heart rate up, but it ended up making me very dizzy. So dizzy I had to make him stop the work out twice and lay down on the floor because I felt ill and like I was going to pass out.  I have mitral valve prolapse and am very sensitive to lights and noise--and the Uni gym that I can afford is loud, crowded, busy, and poorly lit--and I think that also played into my heart rate being ridiculously high. ?? In any case, I lost faith in the trainer and myself at that point and just...made excuses to not return after that.

I need to incorporate more exercise in my life in a different way. The gym is not really my bag. I hope I can find something I can do at home or outside on nice days that will work better for me.



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As for my financial goals, I was able to hit most of them. I failed to review my retirement allocations and review all my end of life and insurances because I was so busy with my ill dad. I normally do that while I am at home, but I was too distracted. I definitely did everything else, though!!

Next year I want to do basically the same, as well as do more peer to peer lending. I really think that is the best option for my liquid cash since investing in retirement funds and other funds is so tricky from a tax/legal perspective.


Financial Goals (14/18 completed)

1. Review 5, 10, and 20 year financial goals and make sure I'm on track to achieve these.
2. Revise 2018 budget, taking into account my 2017 budget failures and successes, and #1, above.
3. Review my NZ retirement allocations.
4. Review my US retirement allocations.
5. Review insurances, will, and Master Financial documents.
6. Get the above in a specific place that only my trusted loved ones know how to find in case of an emergency.
7.    File US taxes.
8.    File state taxes.
9. File NZ taxes. (mid May PTS; paid out in mid-June). Expect ~$520 back. Rec'd July 2018.
10. Renew basic Renter's insurance (including public liability). In 2017, it was $12K for $350 and $1K excess. 
11. Renew disability insurance.
    
12. When I am in the US in Sept/Oct, check Experian and Equifax credit reports from the US. Check TransUnion after October 13 2018. Continue to check in on my scores quarterly via CreditKarma. (Note for future years: Equifax made me call in: 877-322-8228 to order my report--they refused me online.)
13. Use airpoints for US trip in 2018; work it in with Italy trip.    
14. Apply for cc's strategically: see here. Completed 5 August 2018!
15. Save $500/mo to long-term House DP goal.
16. Split monthly overages between Italy and PhD fun Funds.
17. Track every penny and stay out of debt.
18. Track peer to peer lending and contribute more $$ to high risk loans to maximize interest profits. July 2018 update: added $1K more to kitty to play with, for a total of $2.5K.

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I wasn't able to do some of my Experience goals, but that is OK. I ended up super depressed for various PhD and family illness reasons so I will take what I can get here.

Travel/Experiences/Social (6/9 completed)

1.  Beat Stranger Danger: go to one meetup or other event where I know no one every quarter (Jan - Mar; April - June; July - Sept; Oct - Dec). Q1: acquaintance's bday party Q2: another acquaintance's birthday party & aerial yoga; Q3: 
2.  Do Coast-to-Coast hike.
3.  Road trip around East Cape Feb 2017. Attend Art Deco Festival in Napier.
4.  4 day weekend on Waiheke March 2017.
5.  Visit Italy for work and fun--travel around.
6.  Visit family in US.
7.  Re-plan Coromandel exploration trip for later in the year?
8. Maintain a list of meetups that look interesting and fun things to do with friends.
9.  Find something to do for Xmas and New Year's Eve 2018.

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Ditto above for Learning. I tried aerial yoga and pole dancing, but definitely didn't do the other things. Again, given my mental state, I am ok with this.

Learning/Projects (0.5/2 completed)

1. Try a new (social) skill every quarter, or pick up old hobby. Invite interested friends to try particular classes: pole dancing, hip hop, other dance, aerial yoga, etc.
2. Go to the Stardome using all the passes I have by May 2018 (expiry date). This site is neat for exploring the constellations. Update: Nope, I unfortunately let those passes expire. Got sick and then got too busy with work.

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Eh. I applied for a grant that I didn't end up getting, I gave a public outreach talk on my research, and I presented at a conference. I think I also updated my CV? I really don't care about much of this right now. I just want to get through the PhD alive. Standards are dropping fast.

Career (5/13 completed)

1. Update my CV, LinkedIn, Twitter, blog, staff page, and Researchgate profiles for work in January and July.
2. Get colleagues/friends to check ease of use and professionalism of career blog/website.
3. Collaborate with educators/policy makers to improve curricula/public outreach. Spend 1 day /quarter on outreach and volunteering my time.
4.  Get details re: volunteering for affiliated work charity. Time commitment, location, dates, etc. how much can I miss?
5.  Apply for one grant or award.
6.  Give one public outreach talk. 
7.  Present at one conference. 
8.  Guide one field trip.
9.  Grant one media interview.
10.  Submit first paper for PhD.
11.  Use behaviour tests to reduce avoidance/procrastination.
12.  Make achievable, detailed plan with supervisors for the year.
13.  Notice when I am being exceptionally harsh on myself and use my compassionate, kind voice instead of my self-critical voice.

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I need to do better on this. I would really like to make this priority #1. I did floss, try hiring a personal trainer, get my doc appointments done, and some other nice accomplishments, though.

Medical/Physical/Mental Health (10/25 completed)

1. *Go to bed earlier (by 1 am) and wake up earlier (by 9 am). Schedule meetings for early in the day so it forces me to wake up earlier.    
2. *Hire a personal trainer to work on strength, arm and stomach tone, and general flexibility. Sign up for gym training sessions: learn how to do the splits, ab and arm exercises. ETA: have done so, and have created a workout plan that works around my injuries to do at home every day. Will check in with him once a quarter or so.
3. Develop a stretch and exercise routine at home.
4. Make a habit out of doing stretch and exercise routines every day.
5. Continue weekly meal planning.
6. Track time, ID inefficiencies, and schedule my days.
7. Fifteen minutes organisational/plan/review specific goals every day--make daily, weekly, and monthly goal lists to review during this time
8. Floss every day.
9. Get normal yearly check up: thyroid levels checked. Get lumps on scalp removed. Update: scheduled for end July.
10. Get preliminary exam with suggested LASIK eye doc before birthday. Update: LASIK scheduled for end July.
11. Go to the dermatologist for mole check (grab mole map from existing--creepy--dermo for $40). Look on Grabone or Groupon for a deal. http://moleman.co.nz/services/? Update: creepy dermo deleted my skin check but "offered" to do another one for free. Ew. Nope. New appt scheduled for end July.
12. Get free flu shot at work (early-mid 2018)
13. Get dental check up. ETA: scheduled for May. Another one scheduled for December b/c I need twice a year cleanings now.
14. Pray/Meditate a few minutes every day. Use HeadSpace every day/vary time of day to test.
15. Fill out gratitude journal every day.
16. Treat yo'self! Every month, schedule some luxury me-time in the midst of super stressful PhD life. Check Grabone and Groupon for deals.
           January: ?
            February: Napier trip
           March: Waiheke trip
            April: eyebrow waxes, cityhop car
            May: massages
            June: bought myself a heated Shiatsu massage pillow
            July: LASIK and Float Tank
            August:
            September:
            October:
            November:
            December:
17. Find new physio.
18. Take a work out class: pilates, tennis, weight/strength training, stretch class, dance, aerial silks?
19. Set reminders on work computer to move around more during the work day/take breaks. 
20. Continue seeing therapist at least once a month.
21. Make a list of microresolutions to tackle. Continue to tackle PhD issues, but also issues of time management, confidence around work, why I rush/procrastinate, and how to cope with change and being single at 40+.
22. Re-write my Foodist Kitchen 30 Day Challenge into one for Exercise.
23. Re-write my Foodist Kitchen 30 Day Challenge into one for Sleep.
24. Try a shorter version of an elimination diet like Whole30 or Perfect Diet. 
25. Look into volunteer opportunities.

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Eh, I did OK. Backing up my computer religiously fell to the wayside when I was so depressed I could barely shower.
 
Other

1. Back up home computer and Surface Pro times a year: March/June/September/December.
2. Test that google back up goodsync is working to back up my google drive at work.
3. Identify staple pieces for wardrobe: Joanna Gaines Blog 1
4. Work on ancestry book for both sides of family.
5. Consider re-logging general mood and correlating habits (sleep, food, hormones) for another 3 months now that I'm in therapy and once I have made progress on my sleep and exercise goals.
6. Analyse previous mood diary for patterns/correlative factors.
7. Treat eczema, avoid twirling my hair (I think I'm going bald in one spot!).
8. Start thinking about 2019 goals. (see below)

*priorities for 2018 


OVERALL

While I am definitely worse off than I was at this time last year in terms of physical and mental health, and this past year was kind of a bust for completing goals, sometimes you gotta call still being alive a win. With my dad being sick, I learned all about taking things 'day by day.' Right now, I am still in that mode. Some days I can get something done, some days I can barely get myself to brush my teeth. I have to roll with this and learn to just accept my limitations.  
Next year is a new year, full of new days. My aim is to always be better than before. That isn't always possible, so I do want to work on accepting myself a bit more in therapy.

Remission!

Great news, my dad's cancer is in remission. Pretty great Christmas gift!

Heading Home

It has been a long/short stint in NZ this go round. I head back to the cold weather of the US just before Christmas. I don't know when I am returning.

I found new flatmates--the couple were the only choice in the end, and they moved in a few days ago. So far, so good. The guy has found a job. Crossed fingers they can afford the rent + bills. 

I have had a pretty rough time on this trip. Worried about my family and trying to keep tabs on daily happenings, while having a really difficult time making progress in my PhD/work. What do you do when your brain just won't function? When your body won't let you get out of bed?


Normally, if my body is tired, my brain chugs it along. Or vice versa. But right now I just have no reserves in either, so there have been whole weeks where I've barely left the house and tried to work from home. To be quite honest, I do not care about work, the PhD, or other people's weddings, pregnancies, graduations...all of which were happening or being planned while I was in NZ this go round. Friends have commented that I change the subject when they bring those things up. Normally I am able to at least fake enthusiasm for happy things happening in my friends' lives. But right now I can't bring myself to care, and moreso than that, I don't care that I don't care. It really does feel like I hit 40 and everything went downhill. Those exciting things that other people are experiencing don't feel like they are for me. Pregnancy? I probably couldn't at my age even if I wanted to. Married? Eff the patriarchy. It doesn't feel like there is a lot to look forward to for the second half of my life. Parents dying, sister getting older. My dad getting ill has really made me think. The future just seems bleak, and I am really exhausted trying to convince myself otherwise.

I know I am getting depressed, and am trying to just take it day by day and be kind to myself.

What do you do if you can't bring yourself to care about a friend's good news? I tend to try to hang out with the person in groups so that it isn't as obvious that I am not checked in on that particular topic. Beyond a congratulations and a hug, I cannot seem to muster up any enthusiasm about dress or caterer or rings or gender reveals or crib talk. I find that kind of chatter terribly boring on a good day, and now without any emotional reserves or filter left, it shows.

Well, it is clear that I'm useless in NZ, so it is good I am heading back home. At least there I can help. Even if it is just making my dad happy because I am back in the fold. He is having his 3rd round of chemo this week. Luckily, the doctors say he is responding very well. Unluckily, this means that his usual ailments--difficulty breathing, congenital heart failure, and intense pancreatic pain--are getting exacerbated by the cancer meds. He's also on very high doses of morphine and other pain medication. Hopefully he makes it through Christmas OK. It's the only thing on my list.

Decisions

Making decisions is one of my big weaknesses. I find it super stressful and am just really bad at it, if the perfect solution doesn't present itself right away.

My decision making usually involves:

1. Overthinking about the consequences--I extrapolate the worst that can come from each choice until I drive myself crazy

2. Over-researching every little detail--I make an exhaustive list of every single option, no matter how small the decision, until I get overwhelmed with all the choices and options

Both of these things stress me out.

Take right now, for example. With my dad being sick and me trying to manage everything remotely, it is like I can't handle even the slightest bit of extra stress. So my flatmate situation being what it is, I am a total wreck. I haven't been to work in 3 days, because I just cannot handle one more responsibility. I have sick days to burn but this is ridiculous--I have many deadlines and I'm just pushing off the inevitable and making things worse for myself later on. However, right now, the only thing I can concentrate on is my dad and getting a new flatmate in--it is like I'm full up and if I add more I will collapse. I can't stop thinking about what I am going to do, what my options are, and what happens if I don't get someone in by the time I go home. I have headaches and weird body aches (my jaw randomly had shooting pains through it yesterday. It's gone but I still have no idea why, I've never had that before).

This is what I mean when I say that I am bad at decisions. It takes over my whole life and I obsess and handle it in an unhealthy way. Even when it is about something as little as which hotel to stay at one night during a vacation. Almost every choice I make takes on equal weight in my head and life, even when the consequences are not equal.

How things usually go is that eventually I get really tired of thinking about whatever decision, and then make hasty choices just to have the stress off of my plate. Sometimes I throw all my research out of the window and go with my gut. Sometimes I go with whatever saves me the most money and/or hassle. Sometimes I use my research and make the logical choice even when my gut tells me otherwise.

But everything has consequences. For example, my decision about my last flatmates saved me money in the short-term because they could move in immediately and there were two of them, so I got a little break in my rent. Having 2 people share a room costs more than just one so I could charge more, for obvious reasons, and there was no gap in payment with these flatmates. But I always knew that they were only staying 5-6 months and that I'd have to do this all over again later. What I didn't know was that my dad would get sick and that I'd have such a terrible time finding new flatmates.

But if I had just gone with the long-term tenant then, the one-person tenant who couldn't move in right away, I would not have the problem that I have today. And I beat myself up about it. Even though I can't do a dang thing about it.

This is my issue. I want it all. I want the perfect solution. It is there, in my head, and I get really frustrated when I can't manifest it in my life.


Now I face another decision: who do I offer the room to?

1. the nice young tidy employed girl who is looking long-term but cannot move in until mid-January (I'd have to pay all of the rent by myself til then, and I will be at home in the US when she wants to move in)

2. the couple--of whom I have only met the guy--who can move in in 10 days but don't have jobs yet and aren't sure they can make rent every week. They are looking to stay for 10-12 months, though.

3. the guy who just broke up with his maybe-girlfriend who is looking long-term and can move in straightaway but might get back together with his maybe-GF who then might move in later on (it sounds really messy, he wouldn't stop talking about it in the flatmate interview)


I go around and round in my head about the pros and cons and how things might shake out later because I am making this one decision that can affect my life drastically.


There is no perfect applicant yet. Do I just keep waiting?! For how long?

The other part of me is saying that this is a sign. I should give up. Go home. Quit my job and too-hard PhD. Leave NZ. Nothing is working out here. Everything feels like a huge struggle. I am not meeting guys or new friends. I am losing friends left and right to moves, marriages, and other life and personality changes. I just want to be with my family, my dad, where I am loved unconditionally and people think I am smart and interesting and where I want to live again eventually, anyway.

Emergency Fund Time

No one is answering my flatmate ad. I cannot figure out why!

1. I lowered the price from the last time, to try to get someone in quick.
2. I used nearly the exact same ad and pictures as the last several times I have advertised.

Yes, I had trouble last June/July when trying to find a flatmate, but I thought that was just because it was winter. Also, I did have people responding, even if they didn't show up for the viewing. This time, NO ONE is even writing to express interest in the ad!

Crazy.

So now I have to pay the nearly $600 per week rent (plus utilities) by myself. Yikes. If I don't get someone in before Christmas, I'll have to pay the rent by myself even while the house sits empty, while I am at home taking care of my family. I only make about $700 per week, so this is...very bad.

Emergency Fund, engage.

p.s. I invested about $150 in a monster makeover--got a new duvet cover and pillowcases for the bedroom for rent, got some flowers/a vase, and some other stuff for the living room and bathrooms. I waited until a sunny day and took all new pictures of everything from every angle. I picked the very best 20 for my ad and put them up, as well as rewriting my ad--maybe it is too long?

Anyway, we'll see if it makes a difference!

Breach of Trust

Oh my God. My carefully laid plans of gathering airmiles in order to pay for going to the US is ruined for the next 2 years.

My sister, in a manic moment, added me as an authorized user to a new credit card WITHOUT MY CONSENT.

This counts towards Chase's 5/24 rule, which states that you cannot apply for more than 5 cards in a 2 year period.

If you look here, you'll see how carefully I track and plan out every single credit card application in careful detail in order to have enough airmile bonuses to go home to the US from New Zealand to see my family every year. With my dad sick from leukemia, I am in need of these airmiles more now than ever.

Now my plans are really thrown off kilter. I honestly cannot believe she has done this. She is getting much much worse, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about this problem. It's done--she's added me, and it is on all of my credit reports now. I have sent a dispute but all the research I've done says that it will always be on my record now.

I can't believe people can just add you as an authorized user to a credit card account without your consent. There should be a form, a signature, something...

And worse, I feel like I cannot be mad at my sister. She did it when her meds weren't working, she had a voice in her head telling her to add me or our dad would die. I would like to separate myself from her problems as much as possible, but that would mean really cutting her off completely, which means she will suffer in life even more than she already has because then she would have lost me. But if I stick around, she causes me a lot of pain, however unintentionally. What on Earth is there to do about this?

Quick! Best Flatmate-Getting Tips Please!

I'm back in NZ because my flatmates are moving out. Lord knows I cannot afford to pay the nearly $600 per week rent by myself, so I've got to get someone in there or break my lease/move out before I go back to the US to take care of my family.

However, I put up an ad last week and...almost nothing. I know the ad works, because one person has contacted me (they were only looking to stay for a month...um. NO. READ THE AD, DUMMY. I swear...).

Anyway, I usually get the most hits/bites in the first few days after I post. This time? Nada. I don't understand it--I actually REDUCED the rent compared to last time, just 6 months ago, because I really need to find someone this time. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I literally posted the same pictures and the same ad wording but the response is totally different. It's weird because I thought the last ad I posted 6 months ago got a terrible response and I chalked it up to it being the onset of winter (no one is moving to Auckland for winter). I thought that the rental market would be much, much better as summer started and all the 1-2 year tourist visa people started moving to NZ for summer. I think I was wrong.

I have pulled out $1,200 from savings--just two weeks' worth of rent!--to get me through paying for the flat on my own. When that is gone, I will need to look into increasing my own share of rent even further and significantly, thereby lowering the other room rent, in order to get the room filled before I go home for Christmas.


If I can't? Part of me wonders if this is a sign. Maybe I should just leave NZ for good. Pack up, quit my dead-end (but enjoyable!) job and go-nowhere PhD, and go home. That does come with its own share of headaches though--selling things, moving, packing, shipping things...finding a new job, a new flat, new friends, etc wherever I end up...in a country that I've come to fear. There is no good answer and it all feels like a dead end. I just know that I can't keep commuting 25+ hours on the plane between the US and NZ twice a month! Something has to give.

GO VOTE!

My dad is a veteran whose illnesses and terminal diagnosis are directly linked to his time serving our country (USA). He asks, from his deathbed, that you all go out and vote and make his life and sacrifice not in vain.

So I am taking a small moment out of a very sad and tragic time in my personal life to implore you--please go vote. I went down to my county registrar and voted early when we had a small amount of time that didn't need to focus on my dad and his medical emergencies. Surely you can find the time and energy to vote too!

Family Emergency

Apologies for the long absence, however, it will likely last a lot longer. My dad has been diagnosed with cancer and I'm at home in the US supporting my family while he's undergoing chemo. I don't know how long I'll be here. Luckily, my supervisor has been very supportive and agreed to let me work from the US part time and suspend my PhD for as long as necessary.

Hope all of you reading this are healthy and well!

2018 Credit Card Planning Goals Completed!

And with that, my credit card travel planning goals for 2018 are completed!

I decided not to apply for that last credit card (I am allowed 5 accounts opened in the last 2 years for Chase, and I have 4 now). I sent a notice to close my Barclay card today.

Eye Laserz: The LASIK Experience

[ETA 3 December 2019: I needed a correction on my LASIK on my right eye, and just underwent additional surgery on 27 November 2019. I'm in the process of healing, but if you are interested in what corrections to corrective eye surgery is like, see part II.

Oh wow. I don't even know how I'm going to be able to describe the experience of eye surgery, but here I go.

THE ASSESSMENT
Firstly, I had a free assessment to see if I was a good candidate for LASIK. This was back in May. Basically, they do all the normal eye tests--see how far down the chart you can see, take an assessment of your vision ("1, or 2? ...1, or 2, or 3?", check for glaucoma, make you look at the doctor's ear while they shine a bright light into your eyes, take photos of your eye, and finally, measure the thickness of your corneas and scan the eye three times to map the "topography" of your cornea. That last step is key to the surgery, as it provides a personalized map of how your eye is shaped and where the defects are that are causing impairment to your vision.

You are likely a candidate if:
1. your corneas are thick enough to handle a little trimming and reshaping (mine were 600 um (micrometers or microns), which is apparently quite thick--they need to be >450 um or so I think?),
2. your vision is stable and isn't TOO bad (less than 6 diopters off--I was at about -3 and -4 with a lot of astigmatism).
3. Your eyes and optical nerves are otherwise healthy.

They talk you through the surgery, options for different lasers, and tell you what they recommend. For me, they recommended the Femto-LASIK which uses a really sensitive laser that can track your eye movements and respond within a ..femtosecond? I just looked that up and it is 1 quadrillionth of a second--that is a 1 with 15 zeros behind it, so...uh...very fast?  1/1,000,000,000,000,000 of a second. DAYUM! This means no surgical blades are used at all, which I was a big fan of.

I signed some paperwork stating I understood the risks and surgery and went on my merry way, thinking, even if I don't do this, at least I got a free eye check up out of it!

TIMELINE
They wanted to schedule me in within a few weeks but I still wasn't 100% sure yet and I also needed to pick a time when I wasn't under major work deadlines and when I could make the 1 day, 1 week, and 1 month check ups. I also didn't want to be in surgery on my actual 40th birthday or related celebrations, so that delayed things a few weeks, too. We settled for end of July via email, and set my 1 day and 1 week check ups.

Meanwhile, I wasn't sure I would be able to do much screen time and work while recovering (my work requires detailed, precision microscope work as well as a ton of computer time), so decided to use some of the 60+ days of medical leave I'd accumulated over the past 10 years. I took off the day of the surgery (Friday) through the next Friday, unsure when I'd be able to stare at a computer for 8 hours a day or down a microscope again (note: today, the day after the surgery, I am REALLY GLAD I arranged for this ahead of time!).


BEFORE THE SURGERY
The few days prior to the surgery, they ask that you do not wear contacts or eye make up. (Easy for me, I do neither except on special occasions!)

I scheduled my Uber ride there. I also downloaded an audiobook and a few podcasts to listen to while I wasn't able to see/had to have my eyes closed.

The night before the surgery I couldn't sleep and was pretty nervous. I just told myself that I could do it and that in 24 hours I'd have perfect vision!

THE DAY OF
Here is where it gets really detailed. But I figure, if you've come this far, this is the bit you want to know about!

On the day of my surgery, my appointment started at 9:50 am. I arrived at the clinic at 9:30 am because my Uber was early and because I was nervous I'd be late.

I sat down and immediately they brought me back to finalize the paperwork and pay $5900. I got $200 off because I was referred by a friend.

I sat down again, they brought me peppermint tea which made me have coughing fits (?) and I read a terrible magazine that suggested all sorts of holistic new age-y non-scientific medicine cover to cover, for want of doing anything else. I start on a magazine the person before me just left--it is more interesting but still is about how the Queen of Spain is feuding with her mother in law, the former Queen of Spain. (Why would a doctor's office have these?!)

I use the restroom. They bring me water. They are super nice to me, and very attentive.

Finally, they bring me to the pre-op room. I sit in an easy chair and they put up the feet on the comfy recliner. A nurse talks to me about anything last minute, what to basically expect, and gives me a pouch with a ton of meds (mostly eye drops). She puts cloth booties over my shoes and gives me a cloth hair covering/showercap like thing for over my head/hair. I tell her I'm nervous and scared and she tries to reassure me. She talks me through which eye drops I need to take over the next 24 hours, the painkillers (500 mg acetaminophen), the sleeping pills (5 mg diazepam). Basically, I am to go home after the in office recovery and check up, take a painkiller and sleeping pill, and nap. I can keep taking the pills to sleep that night. When I wake up, I am to take off my eye shields and start on my two drop regimen for the week. I'll get the rest of the instructions at my 1 day appointment.

She gives me liquid acetaminophen in a cup because my throat is still super-sore from my peppermint tea coughing fit and I can't swallow the 2 capsules (weird). I think I am too nervous and my throat is too dry. This is the first pain killer they give you. I ask if I can take Advil (my preferred painkiller) after my surgery instead of the acetaminophen capsules, and she says yes, as long as I take it with food.

The nurse then puts two sets of eye drops in my eyes. I'm not sure what they do exactly, but I think they are the start of my regimen? They must clean my eyes and get rid of bacteria or something. One of them stings a little but honestly, if you have ever worn contacts, it's not any worse than that can sometimes be. She gets some alcohol on a gauze and wipes my forehead, nose, eyes and upper cheeks area to cleanse them and says not to touch my face no matter what. I'm now sterilized and ready for surgery.

The nurse leaves. I wait. Another nurse comes in and gives me her number to call if there are problems later. She leaves. I wait. I notice that it is around 10:30 or so? I text my flatmates to let them know I'd be wandering around our house with eye patches for the next day (I wouldn't want to run into someone looking like that late at night!). I text my family to let them know I'd be off the grid and basically unable to see my phone well for the next few days. I wait.

My eyebrow itches because the alcohol is evaporating off and making things kind of tingle. I resist (if I can get my eyes lazer'd, I can certainly resist an itch!!

Around 10:50, the doctor comes in and says a few final words about the steps. He has a surgical cap on and this is when I freak out and start asking questions about what happens if I really freak out in the middle. He reassures me, but I can tell this is like routine shiz for him and he doesn't think I should be worried. I freak out inside but try to keep it together. I get jealous of my friend who came to this same clinic and was given Valium before his surgery. (note: WHY WASN'T I OFFERED VALIUM?!). The doc tells me I am to be a 'surprised zombie' during the initial stages.

Around 11 am, IT IS TIME.

I am brought into the surgery room. there is a flat bed in the middle of two machines, and a computer alongside the left wall. I lay down on the bed and they put a cushion under my knees and cover me with a blanket, which I hold on to very tightly.

They start immediately. The bed is a swivel one, and can be moved between the two laser machines. First I am swiveled to the left machine and my right eye gets some drops to numb it and my left gets a patch over it. I am told to focus on a bright white light above me and try to see a diamond shape. I barely make it out, but eventually do. As soon as I do, more eye drops happen and the doc gets out a retractor thing that keeps you from blinking. This is what I was worried about, but it's really no big deal at all because my eye was numb. He places the retractor thing over my right eye and sort of...cranks it open? to his desired width to reveal my eye socket. That sounds horrible, but ...it somehow wasn't. There was a little pressure on my eye lids, which weren't numb, but honestly it was fine. I know the next step is crucial--I am about to get a flap lasered into my cornea. (Oh God) I focus on the green light above me as I was told to do, focusing really hard on it. The machine talks and says "Ready." and then "Suction On." Honestly, that bit is crazy, because the machine has moved down until it is over top of my eyeball and apparently 'suctioning' it! I feel absolutely nothing, though. I stare at the green light until I have to be a surprised zombie and look THROUGH the green light (the doc tells me when to do this). This is harder than it sounds. I do my best to relax my eyes as told. Things go a bit blurry. The doctor tells me it's perfect and I try to relax. I am holding on to the edge of the blanket like a vice.

Then it is time for my left eye. My right gets the retractor thing taken out of it, and a patch over it. I think they tell me to keep it closed? I get the numbing drops and the retractor immediately over my left eye, which I feel a bit more because the drops haven't taken full effect yet. It still doesn't hurt--it is just a little pressure really. This all happens in like 30 seconds.

The same thing happens with my left eye but this time my eye accidentally moves to follow the laser when I am supposed to be a surprised zombie and look THROUGH the light. I start to freak out, thinking I just ruined my vision. I concentrate really hard on looking through the light and relaxing, and soon it is over and the doctor is saying I did extremely well. My eyes are blurry and my body is still physiologically reacting to possibly effing up my eyesight in my left eye and I really freak the F*#% out at that point, start sweating, go red, and start breathing deeply to try to calm myself. As they swivel the bed to the right-hand machine, I say, I just need a second, do the deep breaths with the nurses coaching me, and as soon as I feel like I have a handle on myself, I say, OK. Let's do this, get it done. The doc says, Great, but we are going to do things right, not fast. (That is what I meant! but I don't say this because that is over explaining and seemed wrong to do with two flaps in my corneas, I just wanted them to start again.)

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS REALLY REALLY WEIRD.

The lasered flaps in the corneas was really pretty easy, considering. It is the most crucial part to stay still, apparently, but I found it to be the easiest to sort of narrate in my head about what was happening to me, and to recite instructions to myself to keep myself calm.

For the next bit, I...can't exactly describe what happened or why because I don't think I actually know what was happening to me. I'll just say what I saw.

First, my left eye got the bandage covering and they put stickers over my top and bottom eyelids to keep me from blinking. My right eye was then retracted again. It was flooded with solution and I could see that the doctor, behind me, had tools in his left and right hands--tiny, tiny tools. I think those touched the surface of my eye to peel back the flap that the last laser had made, but I am not 100% sure--because I didn't feel it at ALL. Normally something coming at my eye would make me shudder and cringe and move away, but...I didn't? And I'm not sure why? Maybe because things were a bit blurry? And I couldn't see them well and definitely couldn't feel them?

I dunno. At that point, I think I was told to look up at the laser again, which was a scattered ball of green light. I stared at it for like 15 - 20 seconds as it worked maybe? And smelled...something like I've never smelled before. It was odd with a tinge of ew. Just a little tinge of ew, though--not horrible, just a hint of something strong. If it had been stronger it would have been disgusting, I just know it, but it wasn't. Just strange and not at all identifiable. This was my eye flesh burning. (Sorry)

It didn't hurt. I felt nothing. In the middle of the cornea reshaping, just as the laser started to coalesce into a discrete point of light, they flooded my eye again and I couldn't even see the light. They did that a few times even after the reshaping was done. At the end, the green light was pretty solid and not a scattered ball of light anymore.

AND THEN.

You know those first-person point of view cameras shows sometimes have? And it is supposed to show the person walking around, blinking, interacting with their environment? And you watch this and see what is happening but don't feel any of it, because it is all a video and behind a camera lens?

That is what this bit is like.

The doc then declared everything well done and (I think) took some sort of brush and wiped down my eye and used the tiny tools to replace the cornea flap (I am not sure in what order this was done). There was a lot of brushing and solution rinsing and suction happening for a minute or two. At one point one of the tools was sort of...pushing down around the edges of my vision, obviously, making sure that the flap was in the correct place. Again, I felt nothing and wasn't at all cringing or "instinctively" moving away from the thing coming towards my eye. It was exactly like I was watching one of those first-person camera shows, albeit a really weird one. The brush kept moving over my eye, solution applied, and it was actually kind of calming after a while. All I had to do was lay there and watch.

They then applied a bandage with tape to my right eye and moved on to my left. This one was harder because my right eye was blinking and flinching when the solution hit my left eye, and I felt my eyelids react strongly.

Still, no pain.

This time I knew what was coming with the brushes and tools and I became a true observer and scientist, trying to figure out what was happening, and just marveling that all of it was even possible. It was pretty fascinating, and I was glad the doctor was so skilled.

The bandage was put over my left eye, the blanket removed, and I was swiveled to the center again, with assurances from the dr that everything had gone really really well. Two of the nice nurses helped me off of the operating theatre floor and into a dark room to rest with my eyes closed.

The whole thing took less than 15 minutes, tops. The worst bits, pain wise, were when they took off the eyelid stickers after my procedure under the right hand machine. Which is to say, not painful at all, not really. Not as bad as pulling off a band aid, even.

I felt nothing, all was great. I just rested. The nurse had moved my personal belongings into the room--that was super nice of her.

All that was left to do was rest, really.

I was there maybe 20 min? I patted myself on the back and congratulated myself for getting through it, and completely alone!

I was then brought into a final room for initial examination. This bit I don't remember much about. I think the doctor took off my left eye patch and then looked at the flap placement in my eyes, put clear shields over each, shook my hand and said I did spectacularly, walked me to reception, and sent me home. Everything was blurry, like a smoky room, at this point. I definitely couldn't see my phone very well so hit what I thought were the right buttons, and had the receptionists confirm my Uber ride for me. I waited for Uber and the receptionist told me when the right car pulled up, and walked me to it. I called the Uber at noon, so everything was competely over by then.

I kept my eyes shut the whole ride home. At this point, the numbing had started to wear off and I was starting to feel an ache behind both of my eyes. It was only a 10 min ride home, but by the end, when the driver missed his turn and had to go a longer way, I was extremely ready to be in my bed and resting.

POST SURGERY, AT HOME
I got home and got into bed as soon as I could, about 12:30 pm. The shields covered my eyes so I wouldn't accidentally rub them during sleep. However, I couldn't sleep at all. The dull ache had turned into more of a roaring ache. I was sort of moaning to myself, "Why did I do this?!" and my right eye felt particularly scratchy and uncomfortable. I decided to take some Nyquil instead of taking pills (my throat was still bugging me & the main ingredient for the painkiller is the same/smaller dose). It worked a charm, and I slept until about 6 pm.

I slowly tried to open my eyes upon waking and it sort of felt like they were gritty and stuck, so I just took it slow. My right eye in particular kept pinging with sharp spikes of discomfort and that one was really hard to open fully. As soon as I stood up, my watery eyes shed all their liquid and it dripped below my eye shields. I wasn't allowed to reach in and wipe away tears, I had to wait until they dripped below the shields. This is all very normal.

I made dinner and took an advil, seeing what I could see. It was hard to keep my right eye open, because every time I blinked, I'd get a sharp sensation. However, I could see pretty well considering I had plastic eye shields on, and the pain wasn't excruciating. I could just close my eyes to alleviate it.

I decided to listen to my audiobook. I did that, and tried to read all the paper work they gave to me for instructions and to reassure myself my right eye wasn't dying. I couldn't read the print on the meds or the papers well--everything closer than arm's length is blurry to me--so I took photos of it all with my phone and enlarged the print until I could see it enough to read it.

The paperwork confirmed that my right eye wasn't dying, even though it was uncomfortable. I could see, and the pain wasn't bad enough to keep me from sleeping, which are the two things that don't happen when your flap gets displaced (!).  That is the main thing to worry about 24 hours after surgery.

I fell asleep again around 10 pm, exhausted from the poor nights' sleep the night before and the eventful, stressful day.

DAY 1, POST SURGERY
Day 1 started when I woke at 4 am. My left eye felt amazing. My right was still uncomfortable, though slightly less uncomfortable than the day before--I think.

I still had the eye shields on, so I thought that might be messing with my vision, so I decided I should take them off and start my drop regimen, as instructed. I have two drops I have to take for the next week: one 4x/day, and another 6x/day. Then I stop both and start a NEW drop 2x/day for 3 weeks. All the while I have to also use eye lubricating drops to help with the dry eyes that come with LASIK.

With the shields off, I should have marveled, but my right eye was still being annoying. I could see really well into the distance and my left eye feels a little bit tired, but perfect. Nothing annoying, nothing bothering me, not that dry in my left. I tried to read my book but everything was way too blurry. (I didn't expect to be able to read yet, I just wanted to check.). I lament my decision and wish I could get rid of whatever is wrong with my right eye and be able to read like before. Were glasses really so bad?!

I note my observations for my 1 day check up post surgery at 9 am. I go about my business, eat breakfast, download an app to help me keep track of when my eye drops need to be applied, etc. and then I Uber to my appointment. I'm seen almost immediately. They check my vision--better than 20/20 in both eyes at this point--and the guy awkwardly talks to me about my life (he was odd). I think the guy was expecting me to be excited about being able to see, but I'm worried so don't really feel like celebrating just yet.

I relay my concerns: 1. I can't see close up, anything closer than arm's length is blurry and 2. My right eye feels like it has an eyelash in it, permanently. It's uncomfortable and annoying, not painful, but I need it to go away to be able to live my life as before. The guy checks my eyes and says I have a capped gland in my right eye, which is a warning sign and something to be vigilant about because that is something that results and indicates dry eyes. The capped gland is a ball of oil which hasn't spread across my eye to lubricate it. I can't feel the capped gland, but dry eye is likely what is causing me to feel like there is something in my right eye.

The Dr comes in and checks my eyes, the flap, etc., and notes that when I've healed in a few weeks I will need to start doing some hot compresses and massage on my eyes to help with the capped gland/dry eye situation.

I am still experiencing swelling, so that is why my close up vision is bad--once it goes down my distance vision will decrease and my close up vision will increase. Also, apparently, they over correct for distance vision slightly because over the first 2 years the eye naturally relaxes (? gets worse?), so it'll all even out. I hope I will be able to read very soon.

OVERALL SUMMARY
I am not sure I am glad that I got the surgery yet. I think I would if my right eye weren't bothering me so much. My left eye feels amazing, and I can imagine that if both eyes felt like that, you'd be on top of the world--15 minutes and a nap and you can see! But that isn't the case for me yet. I can see, but in the process I acquired a condition more annoying than glasses. If that ever goes away (and it should within the next 3-6 months--crossed fingers), and if I regain the ability to read books easily/without blurriness, I will completely reassess this statement. Right now, though, at 1.5 days post-op, I am on the fence and not loving the glasses-free, contacts-free life. I kinda wish I'd not done it, to be quite honest. I hope this changes and I can say that it was the best thing I ever did, which is what everyone else told me immediately after their surgeries.

Life Update: UPDATE

Last month, I posted about things that were causing me stress:

1. my aunt had a severe heart attack and had to have triple bypass surgery this past week
2. one of my most supportive colleagues died suddenly
3. my sister is not doing well--she is having major delusions and hallucinations
4. my flatmates announced they are leaving in 2 weeks, after 3.5 years
5. both my job and PhD have MAJOR deadlines in the next 2-3 weeks
6. I've had a sinus or other kind of infection for 2+ weeks. I keep getting better and then doing too much and backsliding a little.
7. I can't seem to manage my sleep cycle. I am sleeping WAY too much (probably related to winter-time, being upset/stressed about the above, and my infection).
8. the only 2 NZ friends I ever hang out with anymore are away on vacation, so I don't have anyone to talk to here

Update on ALL THE THINGS!:

1. My aunt ended up back in the hospital after the catheter gave her a UTI. [THANKS, DIRTY HOSPITALS]. She is resting at home and recovering now, but things are very stressful re: money at their house because she was the main breadwinner for her, her husband, her two grown children, one of their spouses, and her 1 year old grandchild. I wish someone from her immediate family would pitch in a bit more (her husband mainly, who refuses to get a job, according to my dad?). My family is doing what they can, and I have offered to set up a food delivery but they haven't taken me up on it yet. I CANNOT imagine...
2. I cried in therapy about the death of my colleague. We worked out it was because he was just so kind and lovely and endlessly caring and giving to our community on every single level--someone I look up to and want to be like--and he died alone and young-ish, without fulfilling the (completely unself-serving) goals he had. I think it is SO UNFAIR that the most wonderful people on Earth don't get the lives and love and care they deserve while SOME PEOPLE are completely selfish, awful a-holes and get to be in charge of a whole country. Ahem. Also, I think I see a little of myself in my colleague (or at least I want to see myself in him) and I don't want to die that way, alone and without fulfilling what I have set out to do in the world. It still upsets me SO MUCH, that first reason. Why why why are horrible people so rewarded in our society? It infuriates me to no end.
3. My sis moved from an independent apartment place, back to a group home again. She keeps getting back together and breaking up with her 'fiance.' So, she isn't better, but she recognized that she needed more supervision than she was getting at her apartment, and made the switch. I am proud of her.
4. I found new, albeit temporary flatmates. They are two 22 year old girls, sharing a queen bed. Believe me, they were my last pick due to the age difference and the fact that they only plan to stay for 5 months (sigh). But the numbers just weren't on my side. After about 15 inquiries to my ad, I made 10 appointments to show my place. Just 3 showed up, and they were they ONLY 2-person application that I received. In order to afford my place, I really need to rent to TWO people and split the rent and utilities amongst three people. Luckily, things are fine with them. I barely see them and they pay rent and are reasonably tidy.

By the way, is this a fair split? Rent is $575 per week, they pay $350. I pay $225 per week. They have their own balcony, a private bathroom (toilet/sink), and a bigger room and closets and private storage space. I never know how to make things fair. This time I just set that price based on what I thought I could afford to pay, and what I thought was reasonable for my place/room.
5. I got through my deadlines, but some of it is on-going and my supervisor, OF COURSE, was a jerk to me on our trip overseas to collect data. OF COURSE. He blatantly told me, while I was doing a very sensitive, fragile procedure, that he didn't trust my judgment on anything having to do with my PhD. No reasons why. How is that comment helping anyone, ever? I pulled 4 all nighters to get all of my analyses done--without his help, by the way--and when we reached the airport, he didn't mention all the effort that I'd put in, just started talking about starting the next big project (nevermind that I'm in the middle of THREE projects ALREADY and delirious and hallucinating from lack of sleep at the time).
6. I still cough a tiny bit, but am mostly better. :)
7. I am still sleeping too much. I have one productive week where I work three or four 8 hour days in a week, then get tired from all that effort and basically am useless and sleep through the whole next week. I work from home that down week but do the bare minimum needed to keep my job moving and afloat (mainly answering emails and anything urgent). If I really need to, I take a sick day (I have 60+ days of sick leave accumulated over the last 10 years!). Then I feel guilty and make myself work three-to-four 8-hour super productive days again, and the cycle continues. I can't seem to regulate it, and feel terribly behind on all my work all the time.

This might be some depression expressing itself, maybe SAD, or some other mono or chronic fatigue thing happening. The thing is, because I am able to push myself when I need to (see 4 days no sleep in #5), and during my productive work weeks, and when I want to (like when a friend asks me to do something fun), even though I do have 'activity hangovers,' it makes me doubt it is chronic fatigue or some other auto immune or similar issue. Does the fact that I can push myself and get things done sometimes mean that I am just lazy/it's in my head? Or is this common to autoimmune diseases/viruses, and mean that I am just in the early stages of something, where it is still possible to pretend to live a normal life once in a while? I do wonder about myself. I've been in this limbo stage for a very long time, and it seems to be getting worse, this thing where I can't get out of bed no matter what. I'm not in physical pain, although I have normal 40-year old aches and cracks and soreness--I am just not able to make myself get up unless I have something urgent and un-cancelable on. I even had to postpone a meeting with my supervisors when I couldn't get out of bed recently...something I never allowed myself to do before. I blamed a migraine, but that wasn't the reason, it was being too tired. That is worrying, this progression, no matter what is the cause.
8. My friends are back but I've now gotten used to being alone and independent and I don't even want to see anyone. Definitely therapy time...

I Just Spent $5900 in One Go

Eek! I just put $5900 on my credit card!

I can't confirm, but that might be the most I've ever spent in one go. Even when I bought my second-hand cars and paid in cash, it was only $2750...  The other thing I've paid out that much for in one shot would be first-month's rent and security deposits, but those amounted to about $3K, max.

Then again, I planned on this purchase--and am sitting here, typing away, without glasses--because that $5900 went toward LASIK! Happy 40th birthday to me!

...I still can't believe that I went through with it. After about 20 years of freaking out about how I would never let anything like that near my eyes, then talking to my aunt and a few friends who'd gotten it done, then "just in case" saving up for it because I "couldn't think of another good medium-term savings goal," then going to the doctor's free assessment "just to see if I'm a candidate," I just went and got it done yesterday.

(!)

I think it was one of those things that I knew if I thought too much about and did too much research close to the surgery date, I wouldn't go through with it. (I did a ton back in the day already, and got completely scared off.) So I just pretended to myself it wasn't a big deal.

I even went to the surgery all by myself. I literally took an Uber there and back without any support people. I only told my Mom and my officemate I was getting it done (and only when she asked why I was taking the day off).

Doing it independently was part of some weird hang up I now have about going it alone in life after 40, I think. Something to work out in therapy for sure.

 In any case, that is enough screen time for now. It is time for yet another round of eye drops (they don't really tell you how full on the drop regimen is post-surgery beforehand...!). I'll put up posts depicting details about the surgery soon, I don't want to forget any of it so I can tell others what it is like, later!

Life Update: Changes & Heart Attacks

This month's theme is: Therapy Fodder!

Some changes and upsetting personal news are causing me to spiral a little.

1. my aunt had a severe heart attack and had to have triple bypass surgery this past week
2. one of my most supportive colleagues died suddenly
3. my sister is not doing well--she is having major delusions and hallucinations
4. my flatmates announced they are leaving in 2 weeks, after 3.5 years
5. both my job and PhD have MAJOR deadlines in the next 2-3 weeks
6. I've had a sinus or other kind of infection for 2+ weeks. I keep getting better and then doing too much and backsliding a little.
7. I can't seem to manage my sleep cycle. I am sleeping WAY too much (probably related to winter-time, being upset/stressed about the above, and my infection).
8. the only 2 NZ friends I ever hang out with anymore are away on vacation, so I don't have anyone to talk to here

I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 3-4 weeks, especially given that my sleep patterns are so OFF and I seem to need to sleep between 11 am and 4 pm every day in order to get out of bed at all, no matter if I've gotten a full nights' rest the night before. I manage about ONE really productive, full day of work OR 2-3 hours/day of light work a week, but then I'm useless the rest of the time.

So anyway, I have a lot to talk about in therapy tomorrow! Mostly about being alone, getting older, and dealing with change and stress. I don't seem to adapt to it very well.

[ETA, end July 2018:

1. My aunt ended up back in the hospital after the catheter gave her a UTI. [THANKS, DIRTY HOSPITALS). She is resting at home and recovering now, but things are very stressful re: money at their house because she was the main breadwinner for her, her husband, her two grown children, one of their spouses, and her 1 year old grandchild. I wish someone from her immediate family (her husband mainly, who refuses to get a job?) would pitch in a bit more. My family is doing what they can, and I have offered to set up a food delivery but they haven't taken me up on it yet. I CANNOT imagine...
2. I cried in therapy about the death of my colleague. We worked out it was because he was just so kind and lovely and endlessly caring and giving to our community on every single level--someone I look up to and want to be like--and he died alone and young-ish, without fulfilling the (completely unself-serving) goals he had. I think it is SO UNFAIR that the most wonderful people on Earth don't get the lives and love and care they deserve while SOME PEOPLE are complete selfish, awful a-holes and get to be in charge of a whole country. Ahem. Also, I think I see a little of myself in him (or at least I want to see myself in him) and I don't want to die that way, alone and without fulfilling what I have set out to do in the world. It still upsets me SO MUCH, that first reason. Why why why are horrible people so rewarded in our society? It infuriates me to no end.
3. My sis moved from an independent apartment place, back to a group home again. She keeps getting back together and breaking up with her 'fiance.' So, she isn't better, but she recognized that she needed more supervision than she was getting at her apartment, and made the switch. I am proud of her.
4. I found new, albeit temporary flatmates. They are two 22 year old girls, sharing a queen bed. Believe me, they were my last pick due to the age difference and the fact that they only plan to stay for 5 months (sigh). After about 15 inquiries, I made 10 appointments to show my place. Just 3 showed up, and they were they ONLY 2-person application that I received. In order to afford my place, I really need to rent to TWO people and split the rent and utilities amongst three people.

Is this fair? Rent is $575 per week, they pay $350. I pay $225. They have their own balcony, a private bathroom (toilet/sink), and a bigger room and closets.
5. I got through my deadlines, but some of it is on-going and my supervisor, OF COURSE, was a jerk to me on our trip overseas to collect data. OF COURSE. He blatantly told me, while I was doing a very sensitive, fragile procedure, that he didn't trust my judgment on anything having to do with my PhD. I pulled 4 all nighters to get my analyses done and when we reached the airport, he didn't mention all the effort that I'd put in, just started talking about starting the next big project (nevermind that I'm in the middle of THREE projects ALREADY).
6. I still cough a tiny bit, but am mostly better. :)
7. I am still sleeping too much. I have one productive week where I work three or four 8 hour days in a week, then get tired from all that effort and basically am useless and sleep through the whole next week. Then I feel guilty and make myself work three-to-four 8 hour days again, and the cycle continues. I can't seem to regulate it, and feel terribly behind on all my work all the time.
8. My friends are back but I've now gotten used to being alone and independent and I don't even want to see anyone. Definitely therapy time.

Zero Waste

I'd love to go Zero Waste as these bloggers have. Just think if everyone did the same, we'd end up with 1 jar of trash per year for every 4 people (that is still 1.9 million jars of trash, but...improvement!).

I am making baby steps towards this.

Firstly, I've switched to only using glass tupperware. The lids are still plastic, so I'm going to buy some silicone covers. I need to research whether silicone is as bad as plastic or not...

Secondly, I don't use the garbage disposal for my food scraps anymore. A composting expert at a science fair said it was better than throwing the food away (where it will enter a landfill, become compressed and deprived of oxygen, and form methane), but still isn't great. I now collect all my food scraps in a bag when I cook for the week, carry it to work on Monday morning, and dump it in the communal compost bucket. It then gets transported to the University's compost bin and eventually used as mulch around the grounds.


I still have a very long way to go, though. While I am much better than I used to be, I still eat A LOT of packaged and tinned foods. I am not sure how the zero waste families get by without items that normally come in packages, like my favorite snacks and chocolates or even takeaways. No processed food ever sounds...wow. That is really very impressive.

Meanwhile, my parents out in rural America don't even have a recycling bin yet. They still have to load up their trash and take it to the dump themselves (or pay a neighbor to do it, like they have been since getting older)!

Blog Legal Stuff and Stuff I don't know about

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I went to the 'Learn more' link and it said "To see the notice if you’re outside of the EU, view your blog and change the country code, for example blogspot.fr or blogspot.co.uk. If you use a custom domain, you won't see the notice outside of the EU."

I've tried that and it reverts back to .com--I cannot see the notice and am outside the EU.

FOR THE RECORD: 

I don't collect AdSense and have all ads turned off. I don't personally collect cookies or whatnot--in fact I have no idea what they even really do! You are safe visiting here with me.

However, I don't claim to know what Blogger does with data collected on me or those visiting my blog. I'd like to see them be clearer about that. 


If you are in the EU and visiting my blog, I'd love it if you could copy and paste the notice in my comments section so I know what it says!! (Thanks in advance. :))

All the Money Things!

Just a quick update on money-related things happening in my life right now:

1. I have 90% decided to get LASIK this year as a present to myself for my 40th birthday this year. I had my consultation and assessment today and good news! My corneas are 600 um thick, which is about 110 um more than the minimum thickness they need to qualify for the surgery.

This will cost $5800 NZD (~$4K USD) for both eyes. I think that is roughly on par with costs in the US? I will be getting a new US credit card (Chase Sapphire Preferred or Reserve, unsure at the moment!) just before the surgery so that $$ will fulfill my $4K minimum spend. [See #3, below.]

I've already saved up $5K NZD (see sidebar) for LASIK already so I just need to allocate another $800 from somewhere, probably will kill my DSLR fund for this.

[Note: the older and closer to 40 I get, the more people think it is OK to comment on "how young" I look. I know I am supposed to take this as a compliment & ego boost, but it just makes me feel awkward and like I somehow do not seem mature or established enough to be 40. The next questions are always am I married and/or have kids? And when I answer, "No" there is just silence... Age-ism + sexism, peeps--don't do it!]

2. My teeny tiny raise was just eaten up by a rental increase, by doubly. This city is going to kill me.

3. I will probably opt for the Chase Sapphire Reserve card instead of the Preferred this year. It has a $450 annual fee, but I intend on taking advantage of the $300 travel reimbursement (details here on how to get this reimbursement TWICE). I also intend on getting Global Entry and having the card pay me back the $100 fee. That would be $700 in return for $450. Other perks listed here, and Uber rides count as travel expenses. I will need to remember to sign up for Priority Pass lounge membership, as described here. After canceling

4. Italy trip planning is ticking along! So far costs for a 7 day trip are:
Car: $230 NZD
Accommodation: $275 total, missing 2 nights--Night 1: $40 NZD Night 2: $38.77 NZD Night 3: $35 NZD Nights 4 & 5: $???? Nights 6 & 7: $160 NZD
Food:
Petrol:
Entry Fees, Misc:

$505 NZD so far.

Where Money (aka A House) = Happiness

I had a very interesting convo today with a coworker. Somehow we got to talking about asking for raises and how happy/unhappy we are with our lifestyles, etc. She's unhappy with her salary and wants more money to buy things without saving up. A friend of hers' boss makes close to $400K a year and buys $500 shoes at the drop of a hat, no blinks. She wondered what that must be like and is striving for a raise to find out.

For me, I honestly don't know what I'd do with that kind of money. I wouldn't turn it down, of course, especially if I earned that doing what I do for work right now anyway. I got to thinking about what salary I could see myself having post-PhD, and my current state of income, what is missing in my life, and if money could fix it.

Right now I make well below average salary in NZ. I make about $30/hr in my part-time job (at 0.5 FTE) and have a $12.5K/year PhD stipend. It is tight, but I make this work, with my handy budget and savings plan. My proudest wins:

• I contribute 8% of my part-time work salary to my Kiwisaver retirement account. (Work adds another 3% on top of that.)
• I save $500/month to my long term goal funds (see right side-bar). 
• Any leftover money at the end of the month goes to short-term goals like international travel or a new phone or laptop.

Even with all the saving and budgeting on a small salary, I still feel like I am quite lucky and living large. These are the simple things I count as those luxuries:

• I can donate to charity whenever I am so inclined/inspired. 
• I participate in a car sharing scheme (Cityhop), which allows me access to driving a car once a week for an hour or two to run errands and get groceries. No WOF, maintenance, insurance, petrol, parking, etc., costs because the company takes care of all of that.
• I use Zoomy, the better, NZ version of Uber, when I don't want to drive. 
• Because of the above, I don't have to take public transport 99% of the time. I HATE Auckland buses--every one I've ever taken has been very (10+ minutes) late.
• I eat takeaway once a week or so. Thai curry is my weakness! At ~$12 a pop, it is also relatively cheap.
• I have money to travel, by being very smart about credit card rewards and airmiles and intense research on accommodation and activities and car rental hacks (check out autoslash.com!). 
• I eat very well--I never limit my grocery budget as long as the food I'm buying is healthy.
• I live in a pretty, cute, secure, dry townhouse complex 15 minutes walking distance to work in the middle of the city. It came fully furnished, with a washer and dryer and dishwasher, 2 bedrooms, and 1.5 bathrooms. I have my own quite large bedroom and a bathtub to soak in, and enough living space to entertain and have game nights or parties. I also have a cute patio that I've converted into nice potted garden space, with a palm tree, gardenia bush, lots of flowers, herb and veggie garden, and 3 citrus trees. I hacked my rent by sharing with a couple (who pay 2/3 of the monthly electricity and internet bills and 59% of the total rent) and by renting out the car park/garage space that comes with the apartment at $70/week. That all brings my total rent down to $160 per week, with utilities adding another ~$20-$30 per week. That is a STEAL in Auckland CBD.

 All of that is to say that I'm quite content with my income and I feel like I'm living quite luxuriously most of the time. There are a few things that I wish I had, though:

•  A house with a yard for a dog. I also want the stability of knowing I can't be kicked out whenever the owner wants to sell.
• A dog. Can't have a dog here while renting. It's almost impossible. Ergo, a house is 100% required. 
• My own living space. I kinda wish I lived alone a lot now. I'm getting too old and persnickety to share my personal space. Some sort of arrangement where there was a house with a sleepout/pool house/cottage to rent out on the land would be ideal. 

 If I REALLY were rolling in the dough, I'd spring for these things:

• A fancy gym membership. I can't afford to join the really NICE gym that is about 20 minutes' walk from my house. I took Pilates and got tennis lessons there a while ago. The facilities and amenities there are just beautiful and so high-quality (and everyone that goes there is absolutely gorgeous, bonus for meeting hot, accomplished men!). I would go to the gym every day if I could afford a membership there. Instead, I make do with the super gross gym on the University campus, which is cheaper at around $350/year, but I always feel dirty when I'm in there. It smells like sweat, bacteria, and tetanus.
• Enough money and time to take tennis lessons as well as all of the other activities I want to do. I checked out one interesting class last weekend and would continue it if I could, but it is $400 for 12 weeks of weekly classes. I just can't do it. Especially since that would cover a whole year at the gym I go to.

All of this introspection led me to believe that I would be perfectly content with my low salary if I could just afford to buy a house/yard here. The house would make it possible to get a dog, which is pretty vital to life satisfaction for me. I could easily have the same salary and lifestyle (but with a dog) and be happy with everything that my current salary can provide for me. I honestly would not need more $$ for anything else really.

On my current salary, however, a house is 100% out of the question. I'd get laughed out of the home loan office. Especially buying it outright.  There is absolutely no way, unless I won the lottery. So I am going to have to make more at some point to be happy, if I end up staying in Auckland. What would that look like, and what kind of salary can I reasonably expect in the future? Will I ever make enough?

This question made me flesh out my plans a bit more. I have to get through my PhD first, which is about 3-4 years away still. Post-docs in NZ make around $75K/year I think. So, reasonably, if I were employed at 1.0 FTE, that would be my base salary, and it would just grow from there. Given that I have no interest in becoming a professor or even staying in academia, I will definitely attempt to move into government at some point in my career. Going by the salary brackets on USAjobs.gov, my lifetime annual salary will probably max out around $90K at the highest level (I have no idea what that would be in NZ, but I'm assuming around the same). That is, unless I went full-on project management and administration and eschewed research altogether, which I don't think I'd want to do (but we'll see!). I could also do a right turn into policy or consulting, which would likely result in a huge raise, but I don't actually know what opportunities there are for me in those sectors, so I can't speculate at this point.

Going off of TradeMe, current prices for 1-2 bedroom places with small yards for dogs in Auckland are, at a minimum, $500K. Based off of mortgage calculators, I would guess I'll need a $100K house downpayment (that is 20%), with a salary of $75K to get a $500K place. My monthly payments would be about $2100 in a 30 year loan. Eek. That would give me barely enough left to live off of, and I'm not sure about house insurance and rates and dog costs (I budgeted about $300 per month for food/meds/pet insurance/etc.? Is that enough??). I think I could do it, though! So now I have to save up double what I initially aimed for ($50K--I always knew it wasn't enough, but it was an achievable yet stretch goal to keep me going) to get that $500K house with a yard. I will also probably need to get a 2 bedroom so I can get a flatmate for a while. (Also because there do not seem to be ANY 1 bedroom houses with yards anywhere in Auckland for sale. Weird.)

In this case only for me, money really is the key to happiness.

All of that is to say that I don't expect to make a whole lot in my career, but perhaps in 5 years I will make enough money that I can hopefully start to save up enough to make my house/yard/dog dream an eventual reality. Til then, I guess it is really good that I am good at and happy living quite frugally, and I will continue to add $$ to my house down payment fund!

Lending, Peer to Peer

I forayed into the peer-to-peer lending arena about 6 months ago now. Initially, I put in $500 to test it out (I think that was their minimum point of entry). I wanted to see what all the hype was about, plus I am really annoyed that I am only getting about 2.1% p.a. in interest in my NZ savings account.

I've covered this topic before, but I'm legally banned from contributing to my US retirement accounts. I can't open a non-retirement stock market account here in NZ because I am honestly not sure what the tax implications are, and every time I ask a financial person, they cringe and tell me they don't know either--so I am not daring to risk it. At best, it would likely require some sort of daily calculation of tax loss and gain to report, done by a professional. Several years ago, tax preparation consultancies quoted me a cost of $550 PER FUND to fill out the US tax forms. And that's ON TOP of whatever tax is owed AND a fee of $575 for the rest of my return. That all makes it really difficult to save in accounts, like stocks, that may net me high returns.

If taxes weren't an issue, I'd keep an Emergency Fund of $10K and some short-term, small cash funds (US travel funds to use each year, digital SLR fund, e.g.) in cash savings. The rest of my $70K+ fortune, divided into medium-term, 5+ year savings funds (e.g. house downpayment fund, Europe travel fund) would be invested in a mix of index funds and high interest CDs. Since that option is all but taken away from me, I'm stuck holding nearly $100K in cash in a very low-interest savings account. And that makes me VERY GRUMPY.

So far, I've made an 11.2% return. I have invested in 12 loans total--4 have been paid in full already and the cash re-invested, and I have 8 more loans out (approx $550's worth) in the world.

For that first $500, I tried to choose a mix of A1 to B1 rated loans, erring towards A1. Everything is working OK and I've gotten used to how the website and loans and payments work. Therefore, in the interest (haha) of diversifying risk, I feel OK investing in riskier, high interest rate loans that are rated B2's, in order to chase after those high returns. Currently, I have:

• two A1 loans at 8.42%
• one A2 loan at 10.96%
• two B1 loans at 14.79%
• one B1 loan at 15.39%
• one B2 loan at 18.74%
• one B2 loan at 19.10%

all at amounts between $50 and $150.

My average return rate is far far higher than what I can properly invest in in the stock market. The taxes are also going to be quite simple--the returns/NZ taxes paid are clear-cut and tabulated by the lending site. No tax preparer for me, thank you very much!

Since everything is going OK, and I have a large, secure, liquid stockpile of cash to draw from if things go south, I'm going to up the ante and invest several thousand more $$ in peer to peer lending over the coming months. I'm hoping this is my replacement/silver bullet in lieu of stock market investing and its higher returns for my medium-term funds. The more loans I invest in, the more diversified I will be--more loans and $$ will offer an increasing amount of protection.

ReMuNeration...e.g. A Raise!

That's right, it's spelled 'remuneration,' not reNumeration, like I'd always thought. More deets on that here.

I work on a specific project for a commercial arm of a college, and because of that, I am not on a permanent contract. Rather, my contract has to be renewed each year and is dependent on the funding of my project being renewed. It is a pain but is business as usual here in NZ. Permanent contracts are not all that common, in any case.

My contracts tend to renew in July when my project funding renewal occurs. My boss usually gives me a very small raise each year, which is great. But apparently, the commercial arm of the University also gives 'remunerations.' These are permanent salary rises that they decide on based on the returns of the commercial arm each year, from what I can gather.

I just got a notice that they are back-dating a salary raise of $1K to January 2018! That is fantastic. It ends up being a raise of about 1.6%, but I'm part time, meaning the raise is 0.8% ish. My salary rises by $500 per year--$30,750 to $31,250 per year (minus taxes, of course).

Still, it all counts! And it is great because they match 3% of my Kiwisaver contributions, and that $$ will back-date to January, too. :)

Treading Water for 10 Years

It's been almost a decade since I wrote this post, but I still have the exact same problem.

I can't believe I've been in limbo for this long. It's not ideal, but I've gotten around the retirement thing by saving money in a very low interest savings account and in the NZ version of a retirement fund. Things are coming to a head, though--my mom was diagnosed with some health issues recently (skin cancer) and needs minor surgery. My dad's health continues to decline. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and force my hand!

Racist Taste Buds & Hating Mac n Cheese

How do you make good mac 'n' cheese in New Zealand? Or spell it, for that matter?

For the duration of my cooking project, I have, at various junctures, attempted to make mac'n'cheese. It has been about a year and a half now, and I still haven't mastered it!!

It is different from the other dishes I've tried to make and failed to like, mostly because the combination of cheese and, well, anything, is not easily messed up. I KNOW I like mac and cheese. I have made really GREAT mac N cheese before.

I've usually been able to blame my taste buds for many of the other dishes I've made and really disliked lately. Indian curry or soy-sesame chicken, for example. Those are dishes I feel like I should like, as an adventurous (ha!) expat living abroad and as a citizen of the world. Yet, I do not like them. It is definitely the ingredients that I do not like, or maybe the combination of the ingredients. It has nothing to do with my cooking skills and everything to do with my stupid, Southern, racist taste buds. (Yeah, I'll admit it; my taste buds are horrible people who probably voted for 45).

But Mac&Cheese? That should be a no-brainer for my fat-loving, all-American tongue-buds. In all forms, it should be really delicious.

But it's not. I'll admit some fault--somehow I don't cover all the noodles and they burn, but mostly I think it is the NZ cheese's fault. I can spend $50 on high quality cheese, or $10 on plastic cheese, and it ends up the same: gross tasting cheese sauce covering some bland noodles. It is at once bland and offensive (haha! just like my taste buds). Ugh.

On a brighter, and related, note, I have mastered mashed potatoes finally!! Apparently, my usual method of researching recipes and combining them however I like doesn't work with simple dishes like mashed potatoes. I read some article that was supposedly going to help me make the best taters ever. For whatever reason, I guess you are not supposed to do ALL of the tricks at once?? (How was I to know?!) I ended up with a huge bowl of mashed potato soup that tasted nasty.

In the case of mashed potatoes, simpler is better. Take 3 medium potatoes, peeled and cut up in quarters, plopped into boiling water til they're soft. Drain. Add a pat of butter, salt, pepper, and a tiny bit of milk that has been warmed up on the stove or in the microwave. Mash with a fork...DONE--delicious mashed potatoes for a week!

I still don't know what to do about my mac n cheese dilemma, though.

Struggles & MIA

All the sorries for being MIA. I have started and scrapped a ton of posts, mostly because they were overly negative and I'm actively trying to change my mindset to a more positive one.

Lately, I am really struggling not to extrapolate and wrap my super-tiny first world problems into my larger existential ones. For example, the fact that I seem to always chip my nail polish within a day of doing them perfectly somehow becomes symbolic of my inability to take care of myself the way I'd like to, which I then link to the consequence of the lack of male interest in me, which becomes a reminder that I am destined to spend the rest of my life as a lonely sack of a person, eating sad desk lunches. The Downward Spiral of Awful Thoughts.

Going to two close friends' beautiful weddings in the last two weeks, on top of recently ending a very close friendship that I thought was going to turn into more, on top of a few family members' healths declining, hasn't helped much on the "Everything always changes & everyone always leaves, erego I'm going to be alone forever" train of thought. As my 40th birthday looms, those thoughts have started to become all-consuming. (Now that the weddings are done with, I am also going to remove all nail polish and stop painting my nails!! :) )

It's stupid and I'm over myself doing this, but I keep getting tearful of nowhere about dumb stuff like that. I REALLY want to snap out of it and pull myself out of whatever rut this is! It's an endless cycle: tiny thing happens, it reminds me of something larger I feel is wrong/missing in my life, I get depressed and sad and cry, I hole up in my house and self-soothe with activities that make me numb to the pain of that thought (e.g. reading, sleeping, watching TV, organising my room, gardening, meditating), I remind myself of all the awesome, fantastic things I DO have in life, and I pull myself out of it and put on a brave face to the world for work or a social event I've committed to. Life is briefly OK again, and then I chip a nail (metaphorically :)). Ad nauseum. It is just a passing phase--I know this--but when you are in the middle of a rut cycle, it can feel like you are endlessly pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. Pretty soon my bootstraps are going to be over my head.


It would be really easy to keep going in this vein, but I would have to scrap this post, too, and I really don't want to do that again.

So. Why am I writing? I guess just to prove to myself that I can, I guess. To see if I can try to explain why I have been MIA in a productive, objective way.











(Yes, I am seeking help for all of this. I have a therapist who helped me work through a lot of my PhD anxieties last year, so I am hopeful that we can do the same with these issues. I just saw her last Tuesday for a long-needed catch-up and have another appointment next week.)