Happy Holidays, All!

Happy Holidays to everyone! I hope you are all well and healthy and escaped some of the more terrible things that happened this past year. If that isn't the case, my heart goes out to you & I hope things get better for you very soon. 

I hope everyone gets a break and can get some rest over the holidays.

Lots of love and hugs your way. Stay safe. 

Sense x

Some Good News

 Some good news, just a little bit:

I've completed my 2021 US Trip Fund of $3K. It is amazing how much you can save when you are getting paid more than you have in 5 years. Who'd a thunk?!

Of course, I've now gone back to part time in my PhD, so I will be making far less than I ever have (since I was 24 and in grad school) for the next year or so. I am aiming to finish up in August if all goes well. Oh well. It was good while it lasted!

I transferred $1K to my savings and that tops my US Trip Fund for 2021 up to completion. Who knows if I'll actually get to go into a store to spend it in the US, but it is there. I also used my United Airlines miles to secure a round trip flight home in September as usual. Again, who knows how the world will be then--or if vaccinations will come through by then?--but flights right now are so expensive ($12,000) and require ~60 hours of flying through covid hotspots to get home, so I thought I'd better get ahead of the game and acquire some cheaper, shorter flights while they were being offered. 

 It is nice to have some good news to report. Hope it continues!!

Another Month, Another Update

What is time? It flows like water through my hands, my days, my brain. 

Every week is roughly the same. I am distracted by home, the USA election dragging on (though I am ecstatic about the actual outcome!!), nonstop COVID worries, and my general inability to get anything done, except exist. I think I'm actually addicted to Twitter and Pod Save America. 😂

I looked into going home for the holidays, and because COVID is ramping up so badly there that I feel an urgency to be with my family to protect them, like I was March - July this year, and my family's situation is dire as it is. But tickets home between now and Christmas are $12,000 USD and require 60 hours of flying through various international airports and midwestern US COVID hotspots. Ugh. The cost-benefit analysis there is really, really tricky. I saw those videos of Tom Bradley--USA, you've absolutely lost all your marbles.

Meanwhile, NZ continues to have the odd community case that is usually nipped in the bud pretty quickly (Oh thank GOD, knock on wood, etc) and I was able to host 3 major in-person/virtual hybrid 20-50 person work meetings in 3 days recently, plus my flatmate is having a Thanksgiving party at ours this week. It is not lost on me that I'm getting to have way more of a traditional Thanksgiving in New Zealand than many MANY Americans can, especially my family. They are debating whether or not they will even risk exchanging meals on the porch with my aunt, uncle, and adult cousins who all live in the same household, ~15 min away.

Mom has put the kibosh on all healthcare workers coming into the house to help my dad do his physical therapy and check on his everything. Previously, we had a helper coming every few days to clean him up, bathe him, take care of his accumulated clutter, including jugs of his waste which saved him from having to get up to go to the toilet, a nurse every few days check on his vitals, and a physical therapist 2x a week. I agree, it is just too many people! But that means she is doing everything by herself. I worry.

Speaking of mom, she had surgery recently and is recovering from that, and will be for the next 3-6 months or so. She says she is OK and can drive, but...I just can't trust her to tell me what is really going on. She knows I worry, but the reason I worry so much is because I know they do not tell me how bad things are, until I come home and discover it for myself. I worry more.

Still unsure what my sister's seizures are symptoms of. The worry, it worsens.

I don't know how long until the other shoe drops. I just live in constant fear.

I went down to part time on my PhD again. I just can't handle full time. Even with the great stipend. I can deal with being poor way easier than I can deal with constant pressure to perform when I am barely making sure I breathe and eat every day. Unfortunately my garage space renter is moving so I will be losing $70 per week soon if I can't find another person to rent a car park when no one is coming into work and the holidays are on. I've got to figure out how to pay rent and eat once that happens.

It's all trauma, and I feel grateful I don't have it worse, but there it is. I should seek out therapy again, but I don't have the energy for that yet. Everything is so exhausting.

I know many of you feel the same way. I am sending lots of hugs and wishes your way for as good a Thanksgiving as you can have. 🦃 

Monthly Update

I guess it is time for another update. It has been a while.

Dad: same. ups and downs, never very good. He continues to have a ton of medical appointments every week, even on non-chemo weeks. He is basically kept alive by constant checks, pain medications, med changes and IV drips, and my mom and sister taking care of every one of his human needs.

Mom: still cannot see very well, and caught...something which is always bad as even a cold could kill my dad, and we were worried it was something more serious. Her eye surgery is in 3 weeks as they had to postpone it due to her cold/whatever. They required her to get a covid test before they would allow it to go forward. Bad as she has to live without good sight in either eye (she has a hole in her vision in one eye, and her other eye has a cataract). This means that she is driving herself, my sister, and my dad around to medical appointments up to 1 hour away each way without anything resembling proper vision. Scary.

I worry. I feel like I'm playing the odds, it is just a crap shoot until something bad happens. I should be home. Guilt. She keeps telling me to stay in NZ. I keep asking and wondering if I should ignore her.

Sis: She has started having seizures. We don't know why--she is off to the doctor soon. We suspect it is diabetes/insulin related. When she is living in a group home, she is on a strict, restricted diet with limited food at mealtimes only, but at home-home, she eats whenever and whatever she wants, whatever she makes from the food on hand, always carbs + sugar + fat. When I was home I'd try to entice her with delicious salads and fruits and veggies but she would put them on her plate and not touch them, or do things like only eat the cheese off of the salad. She has gained a lot of weight and constantly drinks sugary drinks and eats things she is not supposed to as a diabetic. She's also vaping + smoking + randomly goes on the nicotine patch (which you are not supposed to use when you are smoking, only when you have stopped smoking). Who knows. Her physical health needs a lot of work, but her main focus, rightly, is her mental health. That takes up all of her energy, plus caring for my dad. She doesn't exercise or go walking because she is afraid of the dogs in our neighborhood. She also can't drive, and Mom can't drive her elsewhere to go walking or exercise, like we did when I was home, because they cannot leave my dad at home alone anymore. He could have an emergency/need an ambulance at a second's notice, as we have learned this year.

The one bright spot is the NZ election--it went about as well as it could, even in my fantasy-world. The Good Leader won another term, and I got to vote for the Green Party with both of my votes (in NZ you get a party vote and an MP/representative vote--they do not have to be for the same party). That was pretty thrilling as I am not used to being able to vote my conscience/with my heart. 

We are pretty much covid-free again here, with one community case several days ago that seems to have been immediately contained because the person who tested positive immediately isolated and got tested as soon as they were symptomatic. That, combined with an excellent tracing program by NZ health boards to figure out who he interacted with in the 2 day pre-symptomatic infectious period, and quick testing and isolation of everyone that was the person's close contact (30 in all), means things feel under control, with 0 cases each of the past two days since that one positive case. They've also gotten genome testing of the virus strain to ID where it came from, and found out it is new to NZ, so it had to have come across the border at the port he works at, most likely. NZ feels like a miracle country right now. I watch in dumbstruck horror as the Dumpster Fire that has become the US continues to rage. My US ballot has been received at my registrar's. I might donate some money to a campaign soon--figuring out where/to whom/what at the moment. My heart is 100% with all of my fellow US Americans. Even if I am not there, I feel every bit of your pain and fear.

That leaves me. I'm a wreck. My sleep schedule is all off, I just stay at home and work from my home office when I have a Zoom meeting, or when I have the motivation. Last Friday evening, I worked til 5 am. I had the whole weekend off--went for a long walk outside, cleaned house, did errands, grocery shopped, made meals for the week, did laundry, planned my week, called home. Then, on Monday, I took a 2 hour zoom call, of which I was the meeting chair, and was so exhausted afterward, I just lay in bed listlessly. I couldn't even make myself check and respond to emails, my go-to procrastination "I'm working but not really getting anything done" task. I didn't even want to read a book or watch a tv show, which was really weird. Instead, I put on a guided meditation, and that always puts me to sleep, so ended up sleeping til midnight. After sleeping til noon that day. Ridiculous! I can't imagine why I needed that much sleep, but I was out like a light. Luckily some motivation came back today/Tuesday (likely because I have a check in meeting tomorrow--Weds!) and I've worked again til 4 am. I'm either fully in and focused, or ...not at all. And I need really long breaks between those hyper-focused periods. Unfortunately, those all in days are about once a week or every other week at most, which means I'm falling further and further behind.

Of course, I cannot afford the time to wallow in bed and sleep and be listless. My to do list for my PhD is never ending and daunting. I have a major major deadline in 2 weeks and I'm not up to the task. I have a talk I have to give and none of the results are even close to being complete. It is for a large meeting--our big annual meeting that I organise and chair every year. I'm also giving a talk at it this year. I feel like I'm going to humiliate myself--I can see it coming--but I can't seem to do anything about it. Something is wrong.

I've been reading about ADHD and everything they describe is exactly me. This isn't a new thing, so I've likely had a mild case of it my whole life, but managed to scrape by because I've somehow been able to mask all my issues and throw a ton of time at making myself look "normal" and capable and organised from the outside. I'm not, though. And right now, I'm failing at the masking bit of it too--probably because my symptoms are WAY worse at the moment. I've reached out to a therapist who specialises in ADHD to get evaluated. We'll see.   

I can't muster up a good sign off or ending, but I hope everyone is OK out there. Hugs to you all.

The Hits Keep Coming

Another quickie because the hits keep coming and I've only got so much energy.

Dad is hanging in there still. He's on another course of antibiotics due to a nasty UTI, and his catheter (which has been in since June) can't come out because he can't seem to get normal functionality back. 

Meanwhile, my mom's vision has declined significantly. It must be bad because she actually made an appointment to see a doctor about it. She has been isolating at home since March and hasn't left the house and gone anywhere except for my dad's doctor appts. For her to leave the house for herself = there is a huge problem. She is having trouble reading, which is her only escape, and is having trouble driving, also a big problem because she is the only one that can drive my dad to his appointments an hour away. Sigh. She has to have eye surgery soon to try to fix whatever is wrong, and has no idea how she is going to get to the hospital and back, or who is going to take my dad back and forth to his appointments while she is recovering. I really just want to be home and be there for them. I have offered, but she declined. I feel so guilty. I should be there for them. And I'm not. 

 A lot of my mental energy these days goes towards trying to help my family from afar, then keeping myself alive. Whatever dregs I have left goes to trying to finishing up the PhD. It's not an ideal situation and a part of me just wants to quit. It's so hard to try to concentrate, but it's so important to my family that I keep at it.

So I'm here in NZ for now, but my bags are packed and I'm mentally preparing my exit plan. Since my dad and sister became ill 20 years ago, I've known that the day I'd need to move home and stop living my own life to take care of my family was coming. I think that is part of what has stopped me from really committing to anyone, any place, and having kids, etc. I've had my fun and traveled and done a lot of what I've wanted to do. Now the day it becomes less about me and more about them is looming ever closer. I'm not ready--there is so much more I had wanted to do and experience--but it is inevitable and that door is closing. There is no way I can feel OK continuing to do what I want when my dearest loved ones need me in order to literally survive. It is what it is. It could be worse, and so many people are worse off. I'm super thankful for the time I've had to explore my interests and be independent.

Quick Update

Firstly, thanks for all the messages in the comments--I've been trying to answer them all when I can. 

Update re: my dad

He is still alive. That is about the best I can say. He is completely bed-ridden, looking forward to his life ending, and my mom is still taking care of all of his needs, with a little help from my little sister. My mom is feeling very very down--I have never heard her like this. I feel terrible that I'm not there to help. My brain is certainly still residing back at home. 

My bags are packed for the impending phone call.

 

Update re: my PhD & scholarship/stipend

Good news: my stipend was reinstated, and was back-paid til August 1. It just came through. I managed to scrape through without dipping into savings, thank goodness. I even have enough left over from August to put a little into savings!

Bad news: they can only fund me for 6 more months. So now--unless I want to get a McDonald's or retail job--the rest of my PhD has to be finished in half the time I thought I had. Pre-pandemic, I guesstimated that I had enough work to fill a whole year and had planned to finish in May 2021. 

Unfortunately, six months is an absolute impossibility. With most of my brain focused on my dad/home, the rest of my brain focused on the pandemic/navigating COVID19 fears, that leaves 0% for focusing on my PhD, which, to be frank, is lower on my priority list than it was before. I have been giving my ALL for all of August on my PhD, with weekly, hours-long zoom calls with collaborators, etc., staying up really late, putting in many many hours, and I've barely made even a dent in the work I have left to do. My concentration is shot, I'm slow at everything, and I can't seem to do anything correctly without redoing work 5 times. My estimate of a year is probably a minimum now.

 

Other news:

NZ went through another round of lockdown. In a way I am grateful because I'm still very wary about being in public and I was super uncomfortable with everyone acting like things were normal in NZ--not wearing masks, not being careful, etc. I thought, "If the virus *did* somehow jump the border, we wouldn't know until it was too late and spread had occurred, so why not be safe, wear masks, etc.?" 

Lo and behold, that is exactly what happened about a week or two after I left the isolation hotel--the virus jumped the border and we have community spread in NZ. I'm very sad it happened, esp because covid has caused more deaths in NZ--but I'm glad that Kiwis & the NZ gov't seem to be woken up to the dangers again and are wearing masks now. I'm still really uncomfortable leaving the house, but I will adjust.

 

Also kind of making me sad:

I wanted to do a nice thing and thank the teacher that started my love for my profession--he recently popped up on Facebook. So I reached out to him. Back in the day, he not only taught the class that started it all, he was the one to award me several science fair 1st - 3rd place awards, and gave a speech about how talented I was and how I was going to do amazing things at our Senior's day award ceremony. I remember it so clearly because I got super embarrassed at the things he said. They were things like, "__(my name)__ has enormous potential as a scientist. She is the type of scientist who will cure AIDS." (AIDS was still a big, deadly thing in the early 1990s!) Everyone in my ENTIRE CLASS then turned to me in awe, like I had *already* cured AIDS, and I clearly was a 17 year old girl who had barely taken biology and had no plans to become a doctor. It was super flattering but also ridiculous to get credit and admiration for hypothetically curing a deadly virus in the far off future, so that is why I remember it so very clearly...!

Over the years that embarrassing moment transformed into a touchstone that someone I respected thought that I would do great things later in life. I've thought about what he said and his belief in me a lot over the years, and it has gotten me through some tough professional times.  

My favorite high school teacher not only doesn't remember making the speech or my science fair awards, he didn't remember me *at all!* I asked around my classmates about him a little bit (they met up with him several times over the years at class reunions), and he's a healthy 66 year old with no cognitive difficulties, so I really must not have made an impression, even though I thought I remembered him saying nice things about me. I really just gaslit myself into thinking he thought I was talented all these years!! What a crazy thing. 

I totally understand that teachers have hundreds of students a year and this was over 20 years ago, but I'm not gonna lie. Although it doesn't take away from all my accomplishments over the years, it was really deflating to realize he had no idea who I was and he was sure he never said those nice things to me. He was gracious about it all, but he really felt like he didn't deserve the credit so wanted me to transfer my gratitude to the *other* teacher that had really taught me and said those nice things. Of course, he was definitely the teacher so there is no one to transfer it to--there's only sort of dismay and bewilderment that I was completely forgotten! After telling him which class of his I was in and when and with which other students, he says he definitely taught that class but kept asking if I meant Mrs. X or Mr X, other teachers that could have said nice things about me (I never had any of those teachers so it wasn't even possible). He also didn't forget any of the other people that I know that were in my class, so... I'm trying to be really cool about it outwardly but I'm pretty disappointed inside. I struggle with thinking that I am 'forgettable' in the best of times so this really hits a deep insecurity. 

 It was a nice thing for me to try to do but ended up really hurting me. I will certainly think twice about doing this kind of thing in the future--anticipate how badly a good deed could go in terms of myself. I just wanted to give back and do something kind in a world that feels so awful right now.

YIKES.

While I was away my PhD scholarship ended. I wasn't informed, I just thought they weren't paying me because I had suspended my PhD.

My work hours this year were cut back to 0.3 FTE so I could focus on my PhD now. I had been counting on the PhD scholarship in my budget.

So I'm screwed financially.

And Dad is declining again.

Everything just keeps getting worse.

Everything is STILL a Mess

Hi everyone.

So, since my last few posts, I've spent over 3 months in the US.

It was bad.

Dad suffered another attack of not being able to breathe. I'll never forget the horror and helplessness. He had pneumonia again and was intubated again. This time he was in the hospital for about 2 weeks before coming back home. But now he can't walk. And he cannot control anything, including when he uses the bathroom. His heart function plummeted from about 40% to 10%. He has to wear a heart monitor/vest that shocks him back to life when his heart rate gets wonky.

It is a lot of work to take care of another human person. There is a nurse that comes by, and physical therapist, but that just introduces more ways for my dad (and mom/sis) to get the virus. It's a terrible catch-22.

I am in NZ now. I left to finish my PhD, start work again, and keep my apartment. Also to go some place safer from COVID-19.

I feel broken and sad and terrible. I feel selfish and awful. There is a very high likelihood that I'll never see my dad ever again. I worry that I'll never see my mom and sister again.

My finances are a mess. I spent so much money getting back to the US and isolating:

$2K USD for a one way flight
$50 for an uber to a hotel
$1600 for a hotel room for 2 weeks to protect my mom/dad/sis from me after traveling through the US
$300 in groceries and food while in the hotel room
$1K setting up a desk and computer in my room at home so I could work

The list goes on and on.

Meanwhile my job was cut in half and my PhD is suspended so I have about a third of the income I used to (which wasn't that high to begin with!).

Oh well. If my dad nearly dying twice during a pandemic isn't an emergency, I really dunno what is.

I will look at my finances again later. I just can't handle it right now.

What are you doing to keep up?

When I was in quarantine in a hotel for 14 days prior to moving back into my parents' house, I was feeling pretty productive at work. I had very few distractions (phone calls, internet, TV, watching the birds through the window which didn't open), but otherwise I was free to work and make my own schedule.

Now that I've moved to my parents' house, and with my sister no less, I can barely function. My dad needs round the clock care but covid has prevented all of his at home health aide workers from coming in, so keeping up with his needs for food, water, a listening ear is overwhelming (he is an EXTREME extrovert so needs attention if he is awake). My mom has an injured hip and can't keep up with the housework and all the usual household needs (which have grown exponentially with covid cleaning!), so I'm filling in there as well. My sister has mental health issues and severe attention deficit disorder so I'm constantly managing her emotions and cleaning up her messes (she lacks the ability to complete jobs like cleaning the kitchen after she makes whatever food she wants to eat). Her hunger and eating are constant due to her meds and a lack of impulse control. She also has no bladder control so I help her with washing up her bedding every day and sometimes her clothes/floor if she has an accident while awake.

On top of that, my dad is 100% a jerk. I know he is in pain and has cancer, but he's always been quite a racist, sexist bully and he constantly verbally and financially abuses my mom. My sister sometimes gets this treatment as well, and I've been getting the brunt of it lately as well, as I have taken over some of the duties my mom used to have.

Also, my sister doesn't quite understand the concept of the hygiene and actions needed to manage a pandemic. She will touch her mask and then the door handle, not wear her mask because she is "just going into the room (where my ill dad is convalescing) for a few minutes," stole the car keys in the middle of the night and went to get cigarettes. With no mask, with no precautions taken. She is very willful--it's like dealing with a 300 pound, 5'5" child who can wreak the havoc of an adult: she eats up all of the food, even when earmarked for someone else, whenever she wants (all the time), does what she wants, with no regard for the rest of us in the house.

With all the above, it is no wonder that my productivity has gone right down the tubes!! I have suspended my PhD now but still have my work responsibilities. I'm very much struggling to get things done, but no one else is there to keep my project going, so I will probably lose my job (because my project will end) if I don't find a way to cope.

If you have family responsibilities, how do you stay productive? I would love any tips!!

Week Infinity: Everything Is A Mess

I can't even bother doing my weekly goal update. Everything has gone to the dogs.

About 2 weeks ago, I got a phone call from my mom.

My dad was rushed to the ER with symptoms of the virus, was sedated, intubated, and in the ICU. He couldn't breathe. If he was infected, so were my mom and sister.

I had two days to leave NZ before all of the flights out of NZ to the US stopped running.

Smart to fly halfway across the world during a pandemic, where you may get stuck in one of the worst countries to be in during the virus, for 12-18 months? No. Productive to leave NZ when your PhD program says you have to suspend indefinitely if you leave the country? Double no. Great timing to leave when your flatmates are moving out and a new one is moving in? Triple, quadruple NO. Did I do it anyway?

Of course I did.

Within 48 hours, I had:

• Bought the last seat on the last flight out of the country flying directly to the US, 
• Booked 2 weeks at a hotel near my destination airport & confirmed it was OK if I self-isolated there
• Packed two heaving suitcases, 
• Cleaned and packed up my room as best I could in case my friends had to move all my junk out for me in 3 months when my lease ends, 
• Disinfected my room and shared common spaces for the new flatmate, who is using my room while I'm away, until my old flatmates can move out,
• Ordered grocery delivery for the hotel I had booked,
• Booked an uber to the airport,
• Given my extra food away (I had just completed my stockpile and ordered groceries for the next two weeks),
• & notified my landlord, new and old flatmates, boss, PhD supervisors, & select others about the situation.

To be honest, I even impressed myself. I thought ...of everything. There hasn't been one thing I forgot to do or pack so far. I even thought ahead to the hotel situation, where I would only have a microwave and fridge for food. I packed silverware, napkins, a sharp knife and cutting board, some tupperwares to double as bowls, etc. I even packed bleach and hydrogen pyroxide diluted in spray bottles so I could wipe everything down as soon as I arrived. I had even stolen taken extra N95 masks and nitrile gloves from work (we use them for a different purpose than medical). Boy, was I glad to have the mask on during the first leg of the trip when the girl next to me was coughing!

All of those camping trips and travel paid off, in dividends.

The only thing I could have done much differently is book an AirBnB instead of a hotel, so I could have maybe a washer/dryer and more cooking facilities, but I looked after the fact and there isn't much available in my price range. And who knows what the state of it would have been.

I could write a book on what has happened since I got that phone call: the eeriness and terror of the journey, how I had the cops called on me and was kicked out of my first hotel, and other events.

But I'll stop here: my dad is out of the hospital and resting back home. He got tested and was cleared of the virus. So now I am here, in 14 day self-imposed quarantine, waiting to get to my family, and ready to take care of them for the duration of this horrible time.

Hope you all are doing as best you can right now. If my opinion has any sway, my advice would be this: I highly recommend adhering to NZ's lockdown rules rather than any of those in the US, and listening to our Prime Minister's daily briefings on Facebook for hope and encouragement. I am abiding by NZ's rules and only paying minimal attention to the US's nonsense. The US's uncoordinated, sloppy, misinformation-laden, wealth-centric clown show is going to get so many (more) people killed, while NZ seems to be getting ahead of this thing in a significant way.  

Week 11 update is going to be late

Pandemic is disrupting everything. Week 11 post to come.

Weekly 2020 Goal Check In: Week 10 - The Pandemic

For Week 10: 9 - 15 Mar


Main Goals

1. Go to the office every work day. 

Things just imploded this week. The plan: "finish off a 45 min keynote talk for my conference and pack and find a flatmate and and and. I am still feeling sick, though, so I will do a lot of my work from home and try to rest a lot."


The reality: I felt unwell, the conference was called off, and I unpacked everything I had just finished packing when I got the call about the conference.

I still don't feel well. Because I'm not getting better nor worse, I don't have any severe symptoms (just light sniffles, light sore throat (probably from stuff draining down my throat constantly), and headache, with a cough or sneeze maybe 3 x per day), I don't think it is the killer virus. I think it is a bad combination of allergies or a cold trying to take hold, and stress. Sometimes I think about the virus and notice I can't breathe and then I worry I have the virus because I am short of breath which only makes it all worse. Panic attacks are not fun things to have.

Because boy have I been stressed. They just found a case of the virus in my family's county. My dad has chemo this week, which means he and my mom have to go to the hospital every day, all day, for 5 days straight. If he gets this, there's no way he survives this, y'all. Maybe not my mom or sister either. I am worried, 100% of the time.

So yeah--I'm stressed. Second guessing everything. Should I be at home right now? Is the US going to close its borders? NZ just decided that everyone coming to NZ would have to self isolate for 2 weeks. Am I going to get stuck here? Or the US, if I go there? What is going to happen? What is the right move here? Is there one? How did I know that something huge was going to happen and I was going to have to choose?

tldr: I didn't go into the office at all this week. 0 out of 5. I meant to on Weds, Thurs, and Fri, but I kept just not feeling well. And I still don't, but have so much work to do, so want to try to go in tomorrow (Monday). I just don't know though, folks. What is the point of a PhD when everything is changing?



2. Make a plan to exercise every day, whether this happens or not.

0 out of 5. I basically did a dry run of self isolation. I left the house Saturday to get groceries and do errands, but that was it.

I don't feel like it but I really should go this week. I need to get some exercise. At least once?


Concerns About My Goals/Lessons Learned: 

• The answer to: "Can I do 5 days in a row of working out plus 5 days of productive office-going?" is still no, not consistently. One week is great, and one is not so great, ad infinitum. It is a work in progress. What matters is that I forgive myself for stumbles and keep trying.
• This week I continued with shorter breaks (1 min) and it works about half the time. Better than nothing? I'll keep with it until it is a habit, then slowly increase the break time as needed.

Other Aspirations: Wins and Losses

• I found a flatmate. It was a desperate choice since I thought I was leaving this weekend. She doesn't move in until a week after my flatmates leave, so I'm stuck with paying the rent in full that week. I'm not excited about this. It is too late to find new ones now -- she's already signed everything and paid the $$. I guess I just have to live with this. 
• Food planning: check! Financial tracking,: check! Vitamins portioned out: check! Bare minimum personal and household maintenance tasks: check!
• Menu last week:
• Breakfast: sandwich thin + butter + poached egg with spirulina smoothie
• Lunch: pre-made tortellini + feta sauce + peas + red capsicum + zucchini
• Dinner: Salad with hot roast chicken breast pieces, red capsicum, apple, strawberries, sunflower seeds, pine nuts, pumpkin seeds, ground flax, with this yummy sounding dressing. If this isn't enough, I'll add a side of mac n cheese + peas.
• snacks: strawberries + melted dark chocolate + peanut butter, salted cashews
• Menu this week:
• Breakfast: frozen toaster waffles + milk
• Lunch: hummus on a pita with chicken breast, pepper, mushrooms
• Dinner: turkey meatloaf, roast potato, peas
• snacks: strawberries + melted dark chocolate + peanut butter, m&ms + peanuts
• I have continued my Duolingo streak for 76 days.

New category--postponed stuff:

• I still need to make an ISO (image) of my work hard drive.
• I have my last eye surgery appointment this week. I postponed it because I was feeling overwhelmed. It is now scheduled for May.
• I need to remake a doctor's appointment but am avoiding it for now. I'm getting a normal gyno check up, getting my blood work done (thyroid, iron, B12, normal fatigue stuff), and getting my eczema prescription refilled. I'll ask for a lower-dosage cream to slowly ween myself off the steroids. My eczema still needs to be checked by the doc--my skin is flaking off, still, 2 months since I tried to go cold turkey off the steroids.
• I still need to make a dermatology appointment. I need to check on my eczema, etc.
• I still really need to to my boss about moving home. ??? My gut, for now, says that I need to stay here in NZ. Travel bans and my family stuff may change at any moment so I'm kind of gonna leave this move-home plan to the back burner again. FOR NOW.
• I am feeling antsy about my rewards credit cards and travel plans. That means that it is time to review it and update it again.  

This WEEK

Oh man, has this week been terrible or what?

I haven't been able to sleep much, and have had my work travel to the US canceled. Of course just after I finished packing...

I also have been feeling ill. Very tired, some sniffles, occasional cough, sore throat, headaches, and very very dizzy and a lot of vertigo. Mostly just tired. My voice went hoarse last Friday evening, and my RA had laryngitis and still came into work last week so I'm blaming her. Honestly, it could just be stress.

But I'm not taking any chances, so I've been staying home and trying to rest. It is quite hard with the state of the world the way it is, though, and how uncertain everything feels.

My worry-centres have been activated, and I'm not doing very well at shutting them off using my normal coping mechanisms.

I'm worried about my dad, I'm worried about my mom, I'm worried about my sister. All of them have co-morbidities and/or are in the older age bracket most vulnerable to the virus. I'm worried about the state of the world, all the exposed people, all of you--my bloggy friends--who may suffer. I'm worried about how all this is being handled in different countries, how we don't really know exactly how the virus gets transmitted, and all the misinformation out there. I'm just plain worried. And I feel quite helpless to change or fix any of it.

I haven't been working out or going to the office this week, so my goals are a mess, too. I haven't noticed any difference in how I feel when I don't work out vs when I do--so that is disappointing. Everything is sore when I wake up, no matter what I do during the day. The only thing I can maybe say is that I might fall asleep a little easier when I do work out. Maybe?

Everyone I talk to is hoping that this will all be over in a few months, so we are all postponing our plans until then. But what if it never is 'normal' again? What if I never see my family again, either because of travel bans or because they don't survive?

I am a total and complete mess.

Weekly 2020 Goal Check In: Week 9 - A Stressful Time

For Week 8: 2 - 8 Mar


Main Goals

1. Go to the office every work day. 

Nope, but 4/5 isn't bad! Tuesday I had flatmate interviews and afterward I was just...tired. I didn't make it in like I'd planned. I thought it was just social anxiety draining me, but I think it was that plus I was coming down with a cold or something. It only got worse until I went home and fell asleep at 7 pm on Friday night.

I may not have gone into the office every single day, but I still worked until very late hours on the day that I stayed home due to some major deadlines. Under the circumstances, I did well. GO ME!! 

Next week will be nuts as I finish off a 45 min keynote talk for my conference and pack and find a flatmate and and and. I am still feeling sick, though, so I will do a lot of my work from home and try to rest a lot.

2. Make a plan to exercise every day, whether this happens or not.

I missed Tuesday and Friday. 3x a week isn't bad, eh?

Again, super proud of myself. I am doing really well. If I don't end up going to the US for my work conference, the stress will lift a little and I can add a weight lifting class, an HIIT class, and a Flexibility class.
  
I may have had a little stumble in a high stress week, but GO ME. 





Next week I'll try not to expose too many people (or myself) to pathogens but will try to go 2-3x to keep up my fitness.


Concerns About My Goals/Lessons Learned: 

• The answer to: "Can I do 5 days in a row of working out plus 5 days of productive office-going?" is still no, not consistently. One week is great, and one is not so great, ad infinitum. It is a work in progress. What matters is that I forgive myself for stumbles and keep trying.
• This week I continued with shorter breaks (1 min) and it works about half the time. Better than nothing? I'll keep with it until it is a habit, then slowly increase the break time as needed.

Other Aspirations: Wins and Losses

• I'm still trying to find flatmates. It is a slog, takes up a ton of time and so much social energy (I hate it when I'm not in the mood).
• The $500 Feb 'celebration' money will be reserved in case I don't find a flatmate before I leave this Saturday (reminder: I met that $50K goal end January so I am taking February off from saving).
• I had offered the place to some great potential flatties, but it turned out they found a different place. Again, I cried immediately after finding out--I have so much stress already that the news broke me a little for a few minutes--but then got back to work. I immediately set up new showings & held them on Sunday, which yielded two new great applicants. Resilience is key to success.
• Food planning: check! Financial tracking,: check! Vitamins portioned out: check! Bare minimum personal and household maintenance tasks: check!
• Menu last week:
• Breakfast: sandwich thin + butter + poached egg with spirulina smoothie
• Lunch: pre-made tortellini + feta sauce + peas + red capsicum + zucchini
• Dinner: Salad with hot roast chicken breast pieces, red capsicum, apple, strawberries, sunflower seeds, pine nuts, pumpkin seeds, ground flax, with this yummy sounding dressing. If this isn't enough, I'll add a side of mac n cheese + peas.
• snacks: strawberries + melted dark chocolate + peanut butter, salted cashews
• Menu this week:
• Breakfast: spirulina smoothie + egg + toast
• Lunch: tuna with hard boiled egg, with chipotle mayo sauce on butter lettuce leaves, cheddar cheese, and apple slices
• Dinner: BBQ chicken pieces, southern style green beans, roast kumara
• snacks: strawberries + melted dark chocolate + peanut butter, salted cashews
• I have continued my Duolingo streak for 69 days--I had to use a streak freeze in there several days. I've just been crazy busy.
• I have packed 90% for for my March US trip. I am taking a lot of my summer stuff back.

New category--postponed stuff:

• I still need to make an ISO (image) of my work hard drive before I leave.
• I have my last eye surgery appointment this week. I postponed it because I was feeling overwhelmed. It is now scheduled for May.
• I have a doctor's appointment this week--also postponed. I'm getting a normal gyno check up, getting my blood work done (thyroid, iron, B12, normal fatigue stuff), and getting my eczema prescription refilled. I'll ask for a lower-dosage cream to slowly ween myself off the steroids. My eczema still needs to be checked by the doc--my skin is flaking off, still, 2 months since I tried to go cold turkey off the steroids.
• I still need to make a dermatology appointment. I need to check on my eczema, etc.
• I still really need to to my boss about moving home. 
• I am feeling antsy about my rewards credit cards and travel plans. That means that it is time to review it and update it again.  

The Age-Old Flatmate Conundrum: Money or Comfort

Having to find new flatmates at a stressful time (right before I go to a big-deal work conference overseas) and dealing with lots of other concerns (including getting a non-COVID19 cold or allergy) has wiped me right the eff out. My weekly goal update post is late as a result--it will come soon and explain how I've been, but for now, I'm focused on the main financial and existential stressor in my life: finding someone(s) with whom to share the burden of a $600 per week rent + $60 per week utility bill.

This is something that doesn't just come down to the numbers for me--it is also about feeling comfortable and welcome in my home, my sanctuary.

With a couple sharing the rent and utilities, I get a huge reprieve on my rent, because couples pay more, it just makes sense. The downsides are that I have the jigsaw puzzle of two other people's schedules and personalities to contend with, and it is hard to find a couple where I feel comfortable with *both* people. More often than not, with heterosexual couples, I feel very comfortable with the woman, but not the man, but sometimes it is the opposite. If they break complex or my landlord's rules, there is also the 2-against-1 situation, and I have to clean up the mess myself since I am the only one on the lease. It's just more work, more hassle, more to deal with.

With a single person, the cost is higher but the rewards are greater: I only have to feel comfortable with ONE person, share a bathroom and common areas with ONE person, and I get to choose that one person. There are no 'package deals,' unless the single person becomes ...not-single. The downsides are all financial.

I thought I'd found the perfect mix: a couple, both of whom I felt comfortable with, but they flaked out at the last second. So now I'm stuck:

Applicant #1: a single woman. We get on like a house on fire, and it was clear she would make an amazing flatmate. If $$ weren't an issue, I'd already have sent the email welcoming her to her new flat.

Applicant #2: a couple. The guy is fantastic, but I'm slightly iffy about the woman. I'd be friends with him in a heartbeat but the woman was slightly annoying in the 45 min chat we had. I could live with her, sure, though. We don't have to be BFFs. If $$ were the only issue, I'd choose them, hands down.

The money difference is vast: a little over $4K difference over 1 year. That is more than half what I manage to save every year. Also, I'm about to cut the hours on my job so I can focus on my PhD, so my income will plummet starting 1 July. I am really not sure what to do.

On one hand, I've been enduring having couples to live with for so long, I also feel like I've more than paid my dues to have a year where I just live with one person. I've also rarely met a single person in my interviews that I got along with so well. On the other, I don't want to feel financial stress, and I know I could live with the couple just fine. 

Is it OK to stop saving, or plan to dip into my savings for a year to be comfortable while I finish my PhD?

What would you do?






ETA: Typing this out made my decision clear. Thanks, blog!

Weekly 2020 Goal Check In: Week 8 - A Spanner in the Works

For Week 8: 24 Feb - 1 Mar


Main Goals

1. Go to the office every work day. 

Yes. I did this. Every single day, yes. There was 1 day that I was mildly tempted to stay home and not have to change out of my pjs (thanks, hormones), but my obligation to go to the gym and the fact that my work computer is way more useful for the work I'm doing right now meant that going into my office every day prevailed. Several days I stayed til midnight.

My life is so incredibly boring now. I see why I avoided this work-gym-home routine before now. Every single day/week is *exactly* the same and I hate it. I hate the way the weeks go by and I don't remember anything from them. I hate that I have no thoughts other than work-gym-food-sleep-shower-errands-chores. I have always avoided becoming this person because I was afraid of who I'd turn into, and everything I was afraid of is happening. I am a robot. I just may be the most boring person alive today, and I hate that my life is passing me by without me remembering it or enjoying it or savoring the precious little time I have.

Despite my need for stability, I crave the freedom to change my schedule at my own whim, work whenever and wherever I please and want, when inspiration strikes. That element is very missing at the moment.

Still, until I get to a good place with my PhD, I need to keep going. I can rest and do what I want after I have the degree in hand.

Also--my boringness notwithstanding--GO ME!! A huge pat on the back is in order. This is probably the first week where going in every day wasn't a humongous mental obstacle to overcome. I did it, with minimal self-convincing, and managed to be relatively productive while in the office. I can always do better, but I need to stop thinking about that--progress is what matters here. I will leave it at that, on a high note, with no self-punishing caveats. I did well this week, and I'm incredibly proud of myself.



2. Make a plan to exercise every day, whether this happens or not.

YEAH, BUDDY. Again, it took some self-convincing on Thursday after dropping a full 1L smoothie bottle on my big toe (it is bruised but OK), and on Friday when I was really tempted to just go home--it was a rough day as it was the bad day of my cycle. I always feel horrible and tired and gross that day, but I pushed myself to go both days anyway, and made it through. Also, knowing that I would have to type out why I didn't go and didn't fulfill my every day goal pushes me. I had better have a really good reason not to go now. It is working!!

Again, super proud of myself. I am doing really well. So well, in fact, that I am seriously thinking of adding more work out classes to my routine--a weight lifting class would be a good addition to my whole body fitness, as would a HIIT class. I also want to add the Flexibility class too. Could I be turning into someone who likes working out?

(answer: no)
 
Still--GO ME. In all seriousness--I am awesome for sticking with this like I have.



Concerns About My Goals/Lessons Learned: 

• The answer to: "Can I do 5 days in a row of working out plus 5 days of productive office-going?" is still no, not consistently. I stay up too late a lot. I think I am just going to go with it, sleep in when I need to, and wake up early when I have to.
  
• I keep ignoring my timed breaks because I'm 'in the zone.' I don't know how to stop myself, and I figure out a way around every break software ever. I'm too smart/determined for it. Maybe if I make breaks shorter, they will be more palatable, and I can work up to longer ones?? Solutions:
• This week I tried shorter breaks (1 min) and it works about half the time. Better than nothing? I'll keep with it until it is a habit, then slowly increase the break time as needed.

Other Aspirations: Wins and Losses

• OMG. This week a huge spanner got thrown in the works. My flatmates told me that they are moving out, right in the middle of my April vacation. WTF. This also represents a huge problem because I am maybe planning on leaving NZ end May, so that means I basically have to lie to the new flatties and pretend that I'm staying and renewing the lease in early June. Maybe the landlord won't make them move out and will just give them the new lease? I feel *really* terrible about this.
• I guess the good news is that some of the losses I incur from lost rental income can be made up by the $500 Feb 'celebration' money I am not saving to a house down payment fund (reminder: I met that $50K goal end January so I am taking February off from saving) 
• Best news: I cried immediately after finding out--I have so much stress already that the news broke me a little for a few minutes--but then got to work. I already have an ad out and have 6 potential candidates interviewing today (Sunday) and Tuesday. I'm hoping someone works out from that group and I can just get this nightmare over with.
• Food planning: check! Financial tracking,: check! Vitamins portioned out: check! Bare minimum personal and household maintenance tasks: check!
• Menu last week:
• Breakfast: sandwich thin + butter + poached egg with spirulina smoothie
• Lunch: Zambrero burritos
• Dinners: "Garden Alfredo:" veggie chicken fetticine alfredo (links are to recipes I mix up according to what I like). I made a low fat version with low fat cream cheese. Veggies are red and yellow peppers, zucchini, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, and peas.
• snacks: strawberries, dark chocolate, salted cashews 
• leftovers: thai curry from my favorite place, cheeseburger and kumara fries from Burger Wisconsin, a new joint I discovered when I was in another city in NZ for work. They have branches in Auckland!
• Menu this week:
• Breakfast: 
• Lunch: pre-made tortellini + feta sauce + peas + red capsicum + zucchini
• Dinner: Salad with hot roast chicken breast pieces, red capsicum, apple, strawberries, sunflower seeds, pine nuts, pumpkin seeds, ground flax, with this yummy sounding dressing. If this isn't enough, I'll add a side of mac n cheese + peas.
• snacks: strawberries + melted dark chocolate + peanut butter, salted cashews 
• I have continued my Duolingo streak for 62 days. ¡olé!
• Got my mom this cool puzzle book for her birthday. I hope she likes it :)
• I need to make an ISO (image) of my work hard drive before I leave. When will I have the time, though?!
• I have my last eye surgery appointment this week.
• I have a doctor's appointment this week. I'm getting a normal gyno check up, getting my blood work done (thyroid, iron, B12, normal fatigue stuff), and getting my eczema prescription refilled. I'll ask for a lower-dosage cream to slowly ween myself off the steroids. My eczema still needs to be checked by the doc--my skin is flaking off, still, 2 months since I tried to go cold turkey off the steroids.
• I still need to make a dermatology appointment. I need to check on my eczema, etc.
• I still really need to to my boss about moving home. It is sort of set in my head and heart. The only thing tripping me up is that I'd have to give up my apartment, which is a complete deal for me, in the perfect location, the perfect set up, a great landlord that lets me rent-hack and have complete freedom and control. There is no way I'll ever have it this good again in Auckland if I give it up. I will be accepting that I'm probably not coming back to NZ if I give it up, and I don't like that.
• I have sorted out car rental stuff for my March US trip. I would like to do a little bit more reading on itinerary options and talk to my fellow road trippers.
• I have pulled down my 2 suitcases for my March US trip. I need to make a list of things to take back to the US in case I move back in June/July, and start packing it. Basically--all my summer stuff :)
• I am feeling antsy about my rewards credit cards and travel plans. That means that it is time to review it and update it again. 

Weekly 2020 Goal Check In: Week 7

For Week 7: 17 - 23 Feb


Main Goals

1. Go to the office every work day. 

Not technically. Last Sunday I drove 5 hours to another town in NZ to spend the week with an expert colleague who can help me with my PhD project, since my actual supervisor is terrible and very unhelpful.

Last week, I said I'd "work 9-5 every day with my colleague, taking breaks, go to my AirBnB, relax, eat healthy, and go for a run or walk in the evenings and enjoy the NZ town I'll be in."

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

NO.

That did not happen. It was basically Brain Boot Camp. Except for Wednesday, when I stayed in my AirBnB, I was in my colleague's office between 9 and 9:30 every morning. I stayed until at least mid-afternoon every day I went in, drove back to my lodging, and worked until 2/3/4 am or so, rinse, repeat. I did take breaks to bathe, cook dinner and watch a tv show every evening, but that was it.

I'm so tired.

Still, I'm counting this as a win for this goal. Go me!!



2. Make a plan to exercise every day, whether this happens or not.

My plan for this past week was: "exercise by taking a walk or going on a run after work in the town I'll be in."

This...did not happen. I thought about it, compared my work load and energy levels, and realized I wouldn't be able to have energy for both. Since I was only in town with this colleague for 5 days (I could have used 3 months), I decided to take advantage of the time I had with my colleague instead.

I am OK with this. I got a lot out of the week. I forgive myself for not having the energy to make myself work out. I wipe the slate clean and will start fresh this new week.

(It is amazing how much thinking that and typing it out actually relieves the guilt I feel for not living up to my stated goals.)

Next week I am back home and plan on going to the gym for my usual work out classes every day.  I'm really looking forward to it!
 


Concerns About My Goals/Lessons Learned: 

• The answer to: "Can I do 5 days in a row of working out plus 5 days of productive office-going?" is still no, not consistently. I am not getting enough sleep, not exercising, and not taking enough breaks. Problems: 
• I keep staying up too late to finish my daily goals. Either my daily goals are way too ambitious, I'm wasting too much time, or my brain naturally likes working late at night.
• This week, the pattern of not getting enough sleep, rest, or breaks, and my schedule of staying up late to get 'thinking work' done continues. And it probably will continue until I remove the day job part of my job. My brain just whirs into action after 10 pm. Ideas, productivity, efficiency...it's all there. I figure, as long as I'm super busy--if I don't use the productivity for work, I'm still awake and wasting that time, so I might as well use it for working. I don't feel that during the day. Is it a habit? Or am I wired this way? Solutions: 
• Accept it. Should I just sleep in so I get enough rest? But then when would I do the 'day job' part of my job?? There just isn't enough time.
• Adapt. Try working on thinking work for a short time during the day consistently, but with no pressure. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I just want to see if I can make it a habit to work on deep work during the day instead of at night.
• Any other ideas?
• I keep ignoring my timed breaks because I'm 'in the zone.' I don't know how to stop myself, and I figure out a way around every break software ever. I'm too smart/determined for it. Maybe if I make breaks shorter, they will be more palatable, and I can work up to longer ones?? Solutions:
• This week, I will try shorter breaks to see if this works.

Other Aspirations: Wins and Losses

• SAME. So far I have not spent my $500 usual contribution to my house down payment fund savings on anything (reminder: I met that goal end January so I am taking February off) I just can't think of anything I really want yet.
• Food planning: check! Financial tracking,: check! Vitamins portioned out: check! Bare minimum personal and household maintenance tasks: check!
• Menu this week:
• Breakfast: sandwich thin + jam + peanut butter OR cereal with fruit OR poached egg OR pancake, all with spirulina smoothie or milk
• Lunch: Zambrero burritos
• Dinners: "Garden Alfredo:" veggie chicken fetticine alfredo (links are to recipes I mix up according to what I like). I am making a low fat version with low fat cream cheese. Veggies are red and yellow peppers, zucchini, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, and peas.
• snacks: strawberries, dark chocolate, salted cashews 
• leftovers: thai curry from my favorite place, cheeseburger and kumara fries from Burger Wisconsin, a new joint I discovered when I was in another city in NZ for work. They have branches in Auckland!
• I have continued my Duolingo streak for 55 days. Yo hablo mucho espanol.
• Finally got my new NZ passport. Why are things so difficult sometimes??? 
• I ordered two pairs of reading glasses from Zenni so I can get them when I visit in March. 
• I ordered items from Amazon for my March trip. Just a fun puzzle book for my mom's birthday, some headbands that look cute, and two external hard drives to replace the scam ones that don't work that I bought last September. Files don't transfer over to them or they corrupt the files when I try to back things up. Just a complete waste of $$.
• I still need to make a dermatology appointment. I need to check on my eczema.
• I still really need to to my boss about moving home. It is sort of set in my head and heart. The only thing tripping me up is that I'd have to give up my apartment, which is a complete deal for me, in the perfect location, the perfect set up, a great landlord that lets me rent-hack and have complete freedom and control. There is no way I'll ever have it this good again in Auckland if I give it up. I will be accepting that I'm probably not coming back to NZ if I give it up, and I don't like that.
• I need to sort out road trip stuff (itinerary options & car rentals) for my US March trip.
• I also need to make a list of things to take back to the US in case I move back in June/July. Basically--all my summer stuff :)
• I am feeling antsy about my rewards credit cards and travel plans. That means that it is time to review it and update it again. I love that my internal clock just automatically kicks in and makes sure I think about these kinds of things strategically. With all the travel I want to do post-PhD, planning is key.

Weekly 2020 Goal Check In: Week 6

For Week 6: 10 - 16 Feb


Main Goals

1. Go to the office every work day. 

Yes. YAAAAY! Go me!

Monday, I had a lunch at 12:30 with my boss and other colleagues from my and an affiliated organisations (gotta network). A person from an affiliated organisation seemed keen to hire me after my PhD so this was time well spent! Afterward, I went to the library to return and pick up books and went into work and worked til midnight, with a break for exercise.

Tuesday I was only in my office for about a half hour between my work out class and a social engagement, but it counts! I worked til 5 am at home after the social event.

Wednesday & Thursday I was in the office til midnight, then came home and worked til 3-5 am.

Friday I was in for a meeting at 11 am, had meetings all day, came home after my work out class at 6, then worked til 5 am again.

Saturday, I went into the office to get things to prepare for my trip this week, and worked til midnight. I also cleaned, did laundry and dishes, sorted out my plants/patio, did errands, and tried to pick up my passport (denied again).

Deadlines, man...

I'm so tired. Today (Sunday) I have to drive 5 hours to another town in NZ. I'm spending the week with an expert colleague who can help me with my PhD project, since my actual supervisor is terrible and very unhelpful.

This coming week is going to be busy and full of insecurities and self doubt. I never want to waste colleagues' time, but I need help with things I don't know about. I always want to impress people by picking concepts up quickly, but my brain is very foggy and it takes an inordinate amount of time for me to grasp ideas, let alone execute tasks these days.

Still, I will plan to work 9-5 every day with my colleague, taking breaks, go to my AirBnB, relax, eat healthy, and go for a run or walk in the evenings and enjoy the NZ town I'll be in.


2. Make a plan to exercise every day, whether this happens or not.

OK, yo girl KILLED THIS goal this week. SMASHED IT. IT IS IN PIECES.

Monday I went to TWO classes. I got the time wrong for the class I meant to go to, so went to the earlier different class, then stayed and went to the class I meant to go to. I am not sold on the earlier class, but the 2nd class, the one I meant to go to, is quickly becoming my fave class of the week. The instructor is great and the music and movements are right up my alley.

Tues - Fri I went to my usual work out classes. Y'all, it wasn't even that hard. I went back and forth about going on Friday, but then I thought about this blog, and I got ready to go and went.

Yes. YAAAAY! Go me!


This week I plan on exercising by taking a walk or going on a run after work in the town I'll be in.


Concerns About My Goals/Lessons Learned: 

• I keep staying up too late to finish my daily goals. Either my daily goals are way too ambitious, I'm wasting too much time, or my brain naturally likes working late at night. The pattern of not getting enough sleep, rest, or breaks continues.
• I keep ignoring my timed breaks because I'm 'in the zone.' I don't know how to stop myself, and I figure out a way around every break software ever. Maybe if I make breaks shorter, they will be more palatable, and I can work up to longer ones??
• The answer to: "Can I do 5 days in a row of working out plus 5 days of productive office-going?" is still no, not consistently. I am not getting enough sleep, not exercising, and not taking enough breaks. 

Other Aspirations: Wins and Losses

• So far I have not spent my $500 usual contribution to my house down payment fund savings on anything (reminder: I met that goal end January so I am taking February off) I just can't think of anything I really want yet.
• Food planning: check! Financial tracking,: check! Vitamins portioned out: check! Bare minimum personal and household maintenance tasks: check!
• Packing for this week's trip: check! 
• This week I really liked the mini pizzas (I should have added more veggies and more protein, though, they didn't keep me filled for very long), and I loved the parmesan lemon basil zucchini veggie dish. The key is mixing salt with lemon over the hot veggies--that adds SO much flavor.
• Menu for this week while away:
• Breakfast: sandwich thin + jam + peanut butter OR cereal with fruit OR poached egg OR frozen waffle, all with spirulina smoothie 
• Lunch: apple, cheese, ham or tuna sandwiches
• Dinners: roast chicken, mac n cheese, peas OR salad with red pepper, strawberries, mushrooms, apples, pine nuts and seeds, olive oil, vinegar or lemon, roast chicken pieces
• snacks: strawberries, dark chocolate, salted cashews, water crackers and pepper dip
• Ingredients for the above are sitting in my online shopping basket so I can just pick them up next week in the new town. Work is paying for food so I kind of stocked up :) This is WAY more frugal than eating out every meal, though, so I don't feel bad at all. 
• I have continued my Duolingo streak for 49 days. Whoa.
• My new NZ passport technically arrived Friday but THAT is a story. I have packages set to be delivered to me at work since I can't be home to sign for anything during the work day. You never know what day things will actually be delivered here, and I actually can't plan on being home for several days in a row to wait for packages since I am so busy. It has always worked in the past. For some reason, my secretaries denied the package this time. It was addressed correctly with my name on it, but when I went up to the secretaries to ask about it, they said they had denied it because they didn't know who I was??? Like, literally last week they accepted a package for me and emailed me to let me know it was in...so weird. So I called NZ Post, and they were trying to return it to sender, but luckily it was still in Auckland, so I had it held for me at a post office to pick up Saturday. I go to the place they told me to go to Saturday AM, and it isn't there!! So the lady gave me a new order and apparently it will be held for me all next week and I can pick it up next Saturday. Whew. I hope this is the end of that story...
• I still need to make a dermatology appointment. My skin is still being weird and excessively eczema-y.
• I need to order my reading glasses from Zenni so I can take them back from the US when I visit in March. 
• I still really need to to my boss about moving home. It is sort of set in my head and heart.
• I need to order items from Amazon for my March trip. 
• I need to sort out road trip stuff for my US March trip.
• I also need to make a list of things to take back to the US in case I move back in June/July. Basically--all my summer stuff :)

Weekly 2020 Goal Check In: Week 5

For Week 5: 3 - 9 Feb


Main Goals

1. Go to the office every work day. 

Erm. Embarrassing, but this week was a sh*!show. I physically visited my office on Wednesday only. Some I have a good excuse for, some I don't:

I went into work last Sunday to finish up something I needed to do by Monday.

Monday I flew to another city in NZ to bang a manuscript out with a colleague, and started work at 5 am. I didn't get back into my house until midnight. Technically I worked NINETEEN HOURS in one day. Oof. I knew it was gonna be a problem for me and screw my schedule up for the rest of the week, but I didn't anticipate by how much. I also owed it to my colleague to be the one to have the long travel day.

Tuesday, I planned to take off the day. Quite obviously, I needed it. I justified this because I went into work on Sunday, and I worked basically 2 days in one on Monday. I had all these plans for Tuesday: cooking, cleaning, working out, but I couldn't leave my bed. I tried, y'all--but I really couldn't. I started sneezing and feeling poorly. I decided to watch tv and took naps and that was all I could muster for the day.

Wednesday, I ended up sleeping in late. I have just been depriving myself of sleep by staying up late to get work done and waking up at 9 am every day. I am paying for it in health. Monday, the long day, wiped me OUT and allowed a virus to take hold. I stayed at the office til ~11 pm Weds.

Thursday was a holiday so I was off work technically. I tried to get myself to work, but it didn't happen. I did manage to leave the house and get errands done, but I just ran out of time and energy at the end of the day. I really did try...

Friday, I didn't go into work either. I did manage to get a full day of work done from home, though.

Saturday, I cooked, cleaned, changed my sheets (ALWAYS the impossible task) and did laundry. I had a social engagement in the evening. 

This coming week is going to be CRAZY. I have a major major deadline next Monday, wherein I present my results to a colleague, and I am nowhere near close to being where I want to be for it. I'm really terrified I won't be ready. I thought I'd planned out my timeline well, but everything just takes SO MUCH LONGER than I think it will. I will need to exclusively work on this particular task until Monday. I won't have time for anything else, but unfortunately things always pop up, don't they? 

Deep breath. OK. Enough beating myself up. I forgive myself for this week's issues. I wipe the slate clean. Whew, that feels really nice.

Next week I will concentrate on taking breaks, working out, being healthy, sleeping, while doing as much work as I possibly can before my Monday deadline. I can DO this.


2. Make a plan to exercise every day, whether this happens or not.

Oh SO embarrassing. I went to one (1) work out class. Monday I was traveling and working all day. Tuesday I took off. I meant to go to at least the work out class that day, but it just didn't happen. Weds I went to class. Thursday was a holiday and the gym was closed. Friday I had an urgent deadline and wasn't done in time to make it to class.

OK. Deep breaths again. I forgive myself for missing so much class this week. It is OK. I will do better next week!

Silver linings?

1. I made it to one class! Go me!  
2. I thought about going, and was prepared to go, each day I missed class. My body/time management just wasn't up for it. I think this proves that it is becoming a habit.  

Next week I plan to go to my Monday - Friday classes, and take my breaks each day. I don't have anything planned that would conflict with this. I have scheduled it in my calendar for each day. No excuses. I can DO this.


Concerns About My Goals/Lessons Learned: 

• day vs night working schedules are something I'm working out
•  I am not getting enough sleep, rest, exercise, or breaks,
• firmly institute breaks again
• Given this week's fails, the answer to: "Can I do 5 days in a row of working out plus 5 days of productive office-going?" is no, not consistently. I am not getting enough sleep, not exercising, and not taking enough breaks. I am actively fighting off a cold now. I can only do what I can, and being healthy has to be the priority, no matter the deadlines. 
• I cannot handle a 5 am - midnight work day. Esp after not enough sleep and busy (for me) social activities. I just cannot. I need to recognize and work with my limits, not try to short cut them or cheat my way around them. That does NOT work.

Other Aspirations: Wins and Losses

• So far I have not spent my $500 usual contribution to my house down payment fund savings on anything (reminder: I met that goal end January so I am taking February off) I just can't think of anything I really want yet.
• Food planning: check! Financial tracking,: check! Vitamins portioned out: check! Bare minimum personal and household maintenance tasks: check!
• Menu for this week:
• Breakfast: sandwich thin (and butter), poached egg, and spirulina smoothie OR cereal and fruit OR fruit smoothie (banana, strawbs, and bluebs (frozen) + milk + chia seeds + ground flax + peanut butter) or jam toast with spirulina smoothie
• Lunches: mini pizzas: use leftover pesto, veggie mix (mushrooms, pepper, zuke), cheese, pizza sauce, meat (frozen pepperoni or roast chicken pieces)
• Dinner: roast chicken, mashed potatoes, parmesan lemon zucchini add basil
• snacks: strawberries, dark chocolate, salted cashews, water crackers and pepper dip
   
• Menu planning for next week done. Food planning is weird for next week--I am going away to another city for a week in 2 weeks, where I will have a limited kitchen, so had to work around that and plan to do my normal grocery shop in another town next Sunday. The great news? Food is covered by work because I am travelling :) Still, I don't go crazy--I try to keep it frugal.
• Ingredients are sitting in my online shopping basket so I can just pick them up next week in the new town. Planned meal:  
• Breakfast: sandwich thin + jam + peanut butter OR cereal with fruit OR poached egg, all with spirulina smoothie 
• Lunch: apple, cheese, ham sandwiches
• Dinners: roast chicken, mac n cheese, peas OR salad with red pepper, strawberries, mushrooms, apples, pine nuts and seeds, olive oil, vinegar or lemon, roast chicken pieces
• snacks: strawberries, dark chocolate, salted cashews, water crackers and pepper dip
• I have continued my Duolingo streak for 42 days. I missed one day in there (Monday) but used a 'streak freeze' to got to keep my streak :)
• Have finalised my NZ passport application! Got my brows waxed and brows and lashes tinted--and had an excuse to do my make up and hair for a social outing last night, so I finally felt decent enough to take a million passport photo options. Do you know how HARD it is to get a photo of yourself that a) is not a selfie b) is straight on c) has a plain background when you are all alone??? I had to shift half my furniture around in several different rooms before I found a well lit spot with a plain background and a place to put my camera for self-timed photos. And then I had to contort myself on the ground because nothing was tall enough for me to take a photo standing up. Sometimes being alone blows. I think I got a good one, though.
• I need to make a dermatology appointment. My skin is still being weird and excessively eczema-y.
• I had an eye appointment so now need to order my reading glasses from Zenni optical. It was actually useless, though. Weirdly, their prescription (same diopter for reading for each eye, no astigmatism found, no far vision diopter indicated) is not as precise as the one I got from the eye surgeon, even though the eye surgeons told me I needed to see the optician rather than them for a more true-to-life prescription(?). The one from the eye surgeon indicates a small far-sighted prescription that differs in each eye, specific astigmatism differences in each eye, and differences in reading vision ("ADD") in each eye. I'm just gonna use the one I got from the eye surgeon then! Waste of $55...
• I really need to to my boss about moving home. It is sort of set in my head and heart.
• I got in some quality social time this weekend: spent the day with my colleague/friend on Monday (SO NICE to work with friends :)), and Saturday I spent the evening with two friends (a couple) who are leaving NZ for a year because the husband is off on sabbatical to Europe. So sad :(

January 2020 Budget

January was a great month for the finances.

It was a 3 paycheck month while also being a 4 rent payment month.

	January 2020 Budget
Category	Spent	Budgeted Amount	Balance
Rent	$950.00	$950.00	$30.65
Groceries	$392.93	$450.00	$57.07
Internet	$0.00	$92.00	$92.00
Electricity	$85.12	$0.00	-$85.12
Eating Out	$91.25	$175.00	$83.75
Charity	$0.00	$50.00	$50.00
Cell phone	$82.00	$30.00	-$52.00
Medical	$145.00	$120.00	-$25.00
Misc	$675.35	$500.00	-$175.35
Savings	$600.00	$600.00	$0.00
Total	$3,021.65	$2,967.00	-$24.00
Leftover	$1,746.30

January 2020 Income: $4,767.30

Total Spent: $3,021.65

No need to go into detail; I was working so things are just sort of ticking over as they need to, on autopilot. I was over budget in a few areas (cell phone; medical; and misc), but under in others (groceries; eating out; charity (oops!)) and that mostly made up for the overages.
 
My 2020 US Trip Fund of $3K is complete. If I move home, I suppose it will be used for that, plus going back and forth to NZ for my project's big research presentation day, a big conference I am helping to organise early 2021, my defense, and my graduation--4 big occasions between November 2020 and end 2021. I will hopefully combine a few of those trips into one long one. It's also good because two of my friends want to come to NZ and travel around, so they could come along on those trips and we could travel afterward. 

To do that, I'll need some $$--clearly. I already have a "Post-PhD Defense" travel fund--that is for after I am officially a doctor, but before graduation. Basically, I also will have lots of time between handing in my thesis and my defense, and between my defense and my graduation--it can be 6 months or even more between hand-in and defense, and several months more until they hold a graduation ceremony. Of course, some of that time will need to be dedicated to a) preparing for my defense, b) finalising manuscripts for publication (though I really hope they are done by then), c) fixing my thesis (it gets rated and can get NO changes, which is almost impossible to get; minor revisions, which are usually very easy fixes; or major revisions, which is...not great and take a long time to fix--I'm aiming for minor revisions), and d) applying and interviewing for jobs.

So the overage for January goes to my "Post-PhD Hand In" travel. I'm excited for this! I'm going to put off job stuff until I am truly and properly ready to dive back in to work. The past 5+ years have been absolute hell on my physical, mental, emotional and every other kind of health. I need to recover, and my savings are just going to have to take the hit. I'll try to minimize the damage, of course, by being frugal and saving up beforehand as much as possible, but DANG do I need a serious, long-term, job-free break. Can't say worry free because that isn't possible, but eliminating job worries will go a very long way. I want to just concentrate on my family and feeling better in all ways before I saddle myself with major responsibilities again.

Weekly 2020 Goal Check In: Week 4

For the week 27 Jan - 2 Feb


Main Goals

1. Go to the office every work day. 

DONE! AGAIN! I physically visited my office every day Tues - Friday (Monday was a holiday, and also we were banned from campus without special permission as there was a music festival happening and next door and they blocked off all the entrances). I went into the office on Sunday to make up for it, and I went into the office one day this weekend, too, due to a deadline (but plan to take off a day next week to make up for it).

I felt I was quite productive this week, as opposed to last week. I meant to go in quite early every day, but that didn't end up happening--though I did wake up earlier than usual, which is fantastic progress. Go me!

Tuesday: I had a meeting with my RAs (research assistants) at 2 pm, so was physically at work by then (though my work day of course started at home much earlier than that--sent my first email of the day ~9 am) and worked til midnight.

Weds--worked all day at home (starting ~9 am) til about 3 then went in and worked til midnight, then came home and worked more til ~3 am (long story + some deadlines).

Thurs--slept in a bit. First email of the day out at ~11 am, worked, then had a meeting at 2 so went into the office for that. Worked til midnight.

Fri-- slept in a bit again. Had a meeting at 11 am, went in for that, and was there til 5:30. Would have stayed longer but a rare social offer popped up late in the day.

I get nothing but pesky little tasks and emails done in the office during the day--there are so many people around (7 people in my office) and I get super distracted. I continue to be best at making serious progress from about 8 pm - 12 am. I'd stay even longer but they kick us out of the building at midnight. There is something about wanting to leave to go home that makes me really motivated to work and get into a flow--maybe the pressure of wanting to go home kicks my brain into high gear? And also, I'm generally just a night owl. Whereas, if I go into the office at 9 am, I feel like I have to be there all day and I basically feel like, oh, there's plenty of time to get _X_ done (X being work I have to sit down and become really focused and invested in--I procrastinate doing it during the work day because I think I'll get distracted with other little urgent things people request via email). Hmmm. There is something in there that is very interesting about my thought processes--I'll have to think about this weird assumption I have about day vs night work more.

Next week, I aim to continue this positive trend and go into work every day! Well, except for Monday. I'm off to Wellington to meet a collaborator for a project and I have to catch a flight at 7 am, not returning til 10 pm. Since that is a long day and I worked over the weekend, I probably will be taking Tuesday off, then :) Next Thurs is a public holiday but I plan to go into work. There's tons to be done before 17 Feb, when I visit a colleague to discuss my research. I want to be very prepared for those discussions. Also, I made myself a deadline of 29 Feb to be done with a draft presentation and poster for a conference I have in March. Also, I have a friend leaving for sabbatical for a year, so hope to see him before he goes. That is maybe happening Thurs or Fri and will have to take precedence over working one evening. I'll of course make up for it by going in on a weekend day if I have to.


2. Make a plan to exercise every day, whether this happens or not.

ANOTHER WIN! (Crowd roars) I actually worked out 3x this week (Tues, Weds, Thurs). And that is EVEN WITH the gym moving 15 mins away. I'm quite proud of myself for that. I did not make it to class on Friday due to the rare social engagement, but I am OK with this--it was a considered decision and I have to be able to be flexible and prioritize sometimes. I'm getting into a good habit of taking a break when the clock strikes a certain time, no matter where I am or what I'm doing, suiting up for the gym, and going to class. I also am getting very good at planning to exercise--making sure I have gym clothes, socks, shoes, the night before/morning of and an eating and working schedule that makes working out possible.

I really hope to make working out a permanent habit, and not dependent on the gym availability, weather, or exercise class schedules. I think everything I am doing is a step towards this.

Next week I plan to go to the Tues, Weds, and Fri classes. I'm in Wellington on Monday and Thursday is a holiday--gym is closed. I plan to bike to/from the beach and take a swim if the weather is nice instead.

I wasn't great about taking breaks this week. I will keep my Enso Retreat break software on this week while at home or at work. Moving around more is the goal!


Concerns About My Goals: 

• Last week, I wondered, "Can I do 5 days in a row of working out plus 5 days of productive office-going?" Turns out, I probably can, but a) for how long is that sustainable? b) could I do this in winter? and c) it means I REALLY pay for it in sleep and other very small tasks I should be doing to keep my health and life running smoothly.
  It takes me ages to wind down after work so when I work til midnight, I end up staying up quite late at home trying to relax, and then waking up only a few hours later because I'm trying to start my day earlier. Sleep is a priority and this schedule is going to make me ill if I continue, if the migraine and usual chronic stuff doesn't get me first! I will continue to monitor the situation to try to figure out what is best for my health + productivity.

Other Aspirations: Wins and Losses

• I have now completed my $50K House Down Payment Fund, a decade in the making! PARTY TIME!! I am taking February off--no intentional saving. Just fun and indulgence! I feel so free
• Food planning: check! Financial tracking,: check! Vitamins portioned out: check! Bare minimum personal and household maintenance tasks: check!
• It turns out I am not a big omelette fan, esp because I do not own a true non-stick pan. It probably will not make it into the rotation.
• Menu for this week: will be cooked on Tuesday on my day off swap. Due to the holiday, I'll have to pick up my groceries from the nearest store by foot on Saturday.
• Breakfast: sandwich thin (and butter), poached egg, and spirulina smoothie OR cereal and fruit OR fruit smoothie (banana, strawbs, and bluebs (frozen) + milk + chia seeds + ground flax + peanut butter) or jam toast with spirulina smoothie
• Lunches: mini pizzas: use leftover pesto, veggie mix (mushrooms, pepper, zuke), cheese, pizza sauce, meat (frozen pepperoni or roast chicken pieces)
• Dinner: meatloaf, a starch: leftover roast potato, mashed potatoes, roast kumara and pepper mix, or kumara fries, and a veg: slow cooked southern style green beans
• snacks: strawberries, dark chocolate, salted cashews, water crackers and pepper dip
   
• Menu planning for next week done. Ingredients are sitting in my online shopping basket until I know I don't have anything to add:
• Breakfast: sandwich thin (and butter), poached egg, and spirulina smoothie OR cereal and fruit OR fruit smoothie (banana, strawbs, and bluebs (frozen) + milk + chia seeds + ground flax + peanut butter) or jam toast with spirulina smoothie
• Lunch: leftovers (options: mini pizzas; Thai yellow curry with chicken and veggies and rice (x 1); chicken tortilla pasta soup x 1)
• Dinners: freezer leftovers: chili lime chicken, meatballs + tatziki (x 2), meatloaf (x 1+); kumara, courgette side dish--with garlic, and basil and lemon from garden
• snacks: strawberries, dark chocolate, salted cashews, water crackers and pepper dip
• My taxes are completed, reviewed, signed, and were posted on 1 Feb! Woo hoo! 
• I have continued my Duolingo streak for 36 days. I have reached my 30 day badge! 
• Still waiting to feel cute enough to take a photo for my passport renewal. I need to catch up on my sleep first.
• I still want a bike but am not sure about buying one since I may leave in June.
• I need to make a dermatology appointment. My skin is still being weird and excessively eczema-y.
• The next time I go to the mall, I'll stop in for an eye appointment.
• I really need to to my boss about moving home. It is sort of set in my head.
• I got in some quality social time this weekend: Friday, I hung out with a friend I haven't seen in ages and another friend who is leaving for a year soon. Today I went to the Auckland Botanical Gardens for their sculpture walk. 
• I really think the nice summer weather is why I can go into the office and work out. I am positive I would not be able to keep up with this schedule in the winter, when it is all I can do to brush my teeth every day. Warm weather gives me life.

$50K House Down Payment Fund COMPLETED!

Hurrrrrahhhh!

A very long time after setting my first* house down payment fund goal...it is complete!

I'm super stoked!

I'm gonna take Feb off from saving. This is a huge goal and it's taken a LOT of work on a low salary to get there. It will be nice to chill out.



*I say 'first' because $50K NZD is NOT going to get anyone a house in any place I have looked at living...

Weekly 2020 Goal Check In: Week 3

For the week 20 - 26 Jan


Main Goals

1. Go to the office every work day. 

DONE!!!!! I physically visited my office every day Monday - Friday. And, for reasons I will explain below, I am going in today (Sunday).

But it is never that simple, is it? When I compare my productivity the last two weeks to this week, it went WAY DOWN.

When I came up with this goal, I thought that if I just went in to the office I'd get stuff done because I wouldn't have any distractions and wouldn't want to waste the commute. But no. It turns out being present in the office doesn't mean I actually get anything done.

On Monday and Tuesday, I had my normal schedule of going to my work out class then staying in the office til midnight. Tons got done. But then I got it in my head to change up my schedule, and try to shift it earlier. I needed to go into the office earlier than I have been for some labwork (the labs close early, can't do labwork in the evenings), and I wanted to see if I could go home early and enjoy the beautiful, hot, sunny summer weather we are having. So I went home early on Weds night to try to prepare my body/brain to wake up earlier.

What ended up happening? My brain stayed whirring and awake all night like it had been, of course, I lost hours of productivity, and I ended up sleeping through all my alarms and not getting ANY labwork done because the labs were nearly shut by the time I made it into the office Thurs. I couldn't stay late Thurs because I go pick up my groceries and do errands while the Cityhop car is 60% off the usual rate on Thurs evenings. Fri I had social obligations in the evening and stayed home during the day to avoid my dumb co supervisor, who is being a huge pain again. I knew I'd get roped into doing something for him that would make my productivity on my actual work plummet if he tracked me down. This means that this week, Weds - Fri, not as much work got done. I have been so annoyed with myself.

However--technically, I did physically visit my office every day. Sometimes that visit was 5 minutes long, but I did my commute walk and was in my office every day. It is a start. The alternative viewpoint will just discourage any progress I could make. Therefore, I choose to take this as a win for this goal instead of beating myself up. Yay me!


I will make a note to examine this more, this productivity vs practical schedule thing. So far, every time I try to adjust my sleep schedule earlier, I fail miserably. Maybe I need to accept that while/when I can, I need to be at work when my brain/body feels like it can do its best. I am a night owl. This is how it is. During grad school, I am in the unique position of being able to work whenever I want, instead of 9-5. Maybe I should just be taking advantage of it instead of constantly beating myself up.


Next week, I aim to continue this trend! Well, except for Monday. Monday is a holiday and I am not even allowed to be in the office (there is a music festival happening next to campus and we are actually FENCED OUT of campus altogether--we would have to make an argument to the administration that we are doing urgent work, get approved, and then be escorted in and out of our offices. Too much work). To make up for this, I am swapping my Sundays and Monday schedule and going into work on Sunday and doing my normal Sunday activities on Monday. So actually I am going to the office 6 days this week!


2. Make a plan to exercise every day, whether this happens or not.

ANOTHER WIN! (Crowd roars) I actually worked out 4x this week, making it to each of the exercise classes I had planned to go to (Monday - Thursday). I found a new class I liked for Mondays. The new Weds class wasn't as great, but I think I'll continue to go.

I had social plans at the same time as the class I like on Fridays, so knew I wasn't going on that day.

Unfortunately, the gym I go to is moving this weekend to another building that is a ~15 min walk from work and a ~15 min walk from home--currently the gym is next to my work building and I can get there in two minutes from my office. This may keep me from continuing to work out as much, but I will try to not let it.

But if I can, the next step will be to find several other work out options that I like* that aren't tied to the gym, weather conditions, and are outside of my preferred work out class hours, so that I always have fun options when I can't make it to the gym, it is horrible out, or I can't make my work out class for other reasons.

*this is key to getting me to keep working out

Next week the work out classes are in the new place. Monday's class is canceled due to the holiday, but I plan to: bike or walk to the beach and back on Monday during the holiday; and attend my Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday work out classes at the new gym.

I also will keep my Enso Retreat break software on, and keep taking breaks while sitting at the computer, while at home or at work. Moving around more is the goal!

Quick Check In About My Goals. Are they Useful? Concerns: 

• Can I do 5 days in a row of working out plus 5 days of productive office-going? Part of the reason I cut out early on Weds was because I was exhausted from doing everything I was "supposed to do" Mon - Tues. I still have some worries that my brain/body cannot handle the goals I have assigned to it. Therefore Weds, Thurs, Fri this past week ended up being mainly gym-going days and productivity at work sank to low levels. I need to able to work out AND be productive, as well as everything else I have to do each and every day (eat healthy, take breaks, take care of my surgery'd eyes, take care of my eczema, laundry, dishes, on and on and on). If I have to choose between the two, the working out will have to go--I can't afford to lose more work productivity time with the major deadlines coming up (I'd push them back but other, very important people have cleared their busy schedules for me; I literally just HAVE to be ready so that their time isn't wasted). Maybe I can work up to it, build some habits? Only time will tell.

Other Aspirations: Wins and Losses

• Food planning: check! Financial tracking,: check! Vitamins portioned out: check! Bare minimum personal and household maintenance tasks: check!
• Menu for this week: cooked/prepped! 
• Breakfast: veggie, ham or bacon, cheese omelettes with spirulina smoothie
• Lunches: chicken + veggie tortellini and peas w/ sauce x 2; leftovers (options: chicken veggie fried rice x 1; Thai yellow curry chicken with veggies and rice (x 3); chicken tortilla pasta soup x 1)
• Dinner: A small piece of flat iron steak, roast potatoes, corn on the cob
• snacks: strawberries, dark chocolate, water crackers with pepper dip, gouda and shaved honey ham slices
   
• Menu planning for next week done. I'm planning on getting my groceries delivered due to time constraints.
• Breakfast: sandwich thin (and butter), poached egg, and spirulina smoothie OR cereal and fruit OR fruit smoothie (banana, strawbs, and bluebs (frozen) + milk + chia seeds + ground flax + peanut butter)
• Lunch:  mini pizzas: use leftover pesto, veggie mix (mushrooms, pepper, zuke), cheese, pizza sauce, meat (frozen pepperoni or roast chicken pieces)
• Dinners: they are completely out of turkey mince in Auckland so I will have to make do with a roast chicken and leftovers (mojito lime chicken breasts (x 2), turkey meatloaf (x 1) and Greek meatballs w/ tatziki (x 2)) for meat. I'll also have leftover mashed potatoes, roast kumara and pepper mix, or kumara fries and southern style green beans as my starch and veg, respectively.
• My taxes are almost done! I need to look them over, print them out, sign the bottom, find the address, find envelopes and stamps, etc., but the bulk of the work for my state and fed returns is done. I still find them kind of fun. I hope to send off the paper copies of the state and fed tax forms and excel spreadsheet to the right places this week (e-filing actual tax forms is a complete nightmare from overseas). I also completed the FBAR and e-filed that.
• Next weekend will be a social one: I've promised to go with a friend to the botanical gardens, and I have another friend leaving for sabbatical for a year, so hope to see him before he goes. Since I am also trying to get more work done, and want to free up my Thursday evenings for fun summer activities, I am going to opt for grocery delivery next week.
• I have continued my Duolingo streak for 29 days--I'm trying to get to 30 days in a row to get the special badge. :) So close!
• Speaking of so close---yo, I'm getting really excited for the end of the month. I will have completed my $50K House Down Payment Fund, a decade in the making! PARTY TIME!!
• Either all the oil in the pesto this week, or working out and not showering immediately has caused my face to break out (it has never done so before). I will make an effort to wash my face immediately after every work out.
• Still waiting to feel cute enough to take a photo for my passport renewal. Those breakouts aren't helping!
• The Kmart refund for the returned bike was completed. They took $30 out for shipping (even though that is what caused the problem). I am too tired to fight it.
• The steroid saga is over for now. I can't fight it and keep up with the rest of my life right now. It was fine and I could handle the suffering when I was at home over Christmas break, but other stuff is too overwhelming right now. So--I'm back on the cream, but using it less frequently. Next doc appt--I'll ask for lower strength cream and keep cutting back.
• I'm starting to think about my trip home in March. I need to get my eye appointment made and done so that I have a prescription for new reading glasses, and have time to order from Zenni before I arrive home. My shorter trip this time will prevent me from doing my normal online ordering thing.
• I am feeling more certain about moving back to the US in a few months. If my dad decides to stop chemo, it will be definite. I need to talk to my boss about this possibility so we can make back up plans for handover of my job responsibilities.
  
  My plan is to stay part-time with my PhD and ask for an hourly contract for my current part-time job of project managing. That way, I can help when needed--I am the only one that knows how to do a lot of tasks, and I'm not gonna work for free when the new person comes running to me for help! So--I'll move home, still be making enough money to support myself (the bulk of it will likely go to health insurance. Mom and Dad refuse to charge me rent but I'll be contributing to the household in many other ways) and I will have the ability to make a few more bucks here and there.
  
  If all goes well, I'll write up my PhD part time and care take my family part-time. I'm going home in March and am going to test how this split goes, buy everything for a home office, etc.