What is time? It flows like water through my hands, my days, my brain.
Every week is roughly the same. I am distracted by home, the USA election dragging on (though I am ecstatic about the actual outcome!!), nonstop COVID worries, and my general inability to get anything done, except exist. I think I'm actually addicted to Twitter and Pod Save America. 😂
I looked into going home for the holidays, and because COVID is ramping up so badly there that I feel an urgency to be with my family to protect them, like I was March - July this year, and my family's situation is dire as it is. But tickets home between now and Christmas are $12,000 USD and require 60 hours of flying through various international airports and midwestern US COVID hotspots. Ugh. The cost-benefit analysis there is really, really tricky. I saw those videos of Tom Bradley--USA, you've absolutely lost all your marbles.
Meanwhile, NZ continues to have the odd community case that is usually nipped in the bud pretty quickly (Oh thank GOD, knock on wood, etc) and I was able to host 3 major in-person/virtual hybrid 20-50 person work meetings in 3 days recently, plus my flatmate is having a Thanksgiving party at ours this week. It is not lost on me that I'm getting to have way more of a traditional Thanksgiving in New Zealand than many MANY Americans can, especially my family. They are debating whether or not they will even risk exchanging meals on the porch with my aunt, uncle, and adult cousins who all live in the same household, ~15 min away.
Mom has put the kibosh on all healthcare workers coming into the house to help my dad do his physical therapy and check on his everything. Previously, we had a helper coming every few days to clean him up, bathe him, take care of his accumulated clutter, including jugs of his waste which saved him from having to get up to go to the toilet, a nurse every few days check on his vitals, and a physical therapist 2x a week. I agree, it is just too many people! But that means she is doing everything by herself. I worry.
Speaking of mom, she had surgery recently and is recovering from that, and will be for the next 3-6 months or so. She says she is OK and can drive, but...I just can't trust her to tell me what is really going on. She knows I worry, but the reason I worry so much is because I know they do not tell me how bad things are, until I come home and discover it for myself. I worry more.
Still unsure what my sister's seizures are symptoms of. The worry, it worsens.
I don't know how long until the other shoe drops. I just live in constant fear.
I went down to part time on my PhD again. I just can't handle full time. Even with the great stipend. I can deal with being poor way easier than I can deal with constant pressure to perform when I am barely making sure I breathe and eat every day. Unfortunately my garage space renter is moving so I will be losing $70 per week soon if I can't find another person to rent a car park when no one is coming into work and the holidays are on. I've got to figure out how to pay rent and eat once that happens.
It's all trauma, and I feel grateful I don't have it worse, but there it is. I should seek out therapy again, but I don't have the energy for that yet. Everything is so exhausting.
I know many of you feel the same way. I am sending lots of hugs and wishes your way for as good a Thanksgiving as you can have. 🦃
