On Behaving Badly

Sometimes I just can't help myself. A bad mood here, not enough sleep there, just too early of a morning, changes, whatever. Once in a while I lose my cool.

Recently I was out at a restaurant and this is probably where I still have THE most trouble adjusting to NZ: the food. To my palate, the food here is overpriced and mostly horrible. I have lived here for over five years, so I don't think it's going to change: New Zealand, I don't like your food or service, and this caught me at a really bad time just the once. Everything else, I'm dealing with OK, I think.

When I'm out and paying good money for food, my American-ness kicks into overdrive. I want good service, I want food how I want it, and I want it to taste delicious. This is apparently impossible. I have had ONE fantastic meal in New Zealand where I thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of my meal. It was paid for by someone else, thank God, because it was a delicious salad that was about $40. That is insanity, to have to pay that much to get a good, very simple, meal. I am just unimpressed on the whole.

Accustomed to "the customer is always right," I get extremely annoyed and frustrated when the server acts incredulous at my orders or asks me the same question 12 times. Usually I calmly repeat myself or settle for paying $30 for a small plate of so-so fajitas or whatever.

But the other day all my bad moods and changes and everything caught up to me. I was really worn down from so many people visiting lately (a good thing but tiring!), doing too much physical activity and not sleeping enough, and PhD and work worries on top of it, and I lost it. The server acted like I was crazy for wanting something that is quite normal where I'm from, and I thought it would be very easy to do. I thought I was explaining it very carefully and clearly, too, but she wasn't getting it. I didn't snap at her, but I did get an attitude, and I did try to excuse my attitude by saying that it was normal where I was from. There was a huge line behind me, so I'm sure I became another story about a rude American...but I seriously, honestly, truly--could not help what was spewing from my mouth. I refused to back down and settle once AGAIN--I was fed up. How could something so simple be SO HARD? It is hard to realize when you are the one being ridiculous when what you are asking is completely normal to you.

But I was wrong to expect things to be like they are in the US. I was wrong to get an attitude. Since starting to think of NZ as my permanent home, I have pretty much forgotten that I live in a foreign country. I am still the outlier here, not her. I am the one asking for something ridiculous to locals in a foreign place. I should not go out to restaurants expecting something different, I should be different. If I'm not prepared for that, I should not go out to eat. It is such a shame that social events revolve around eating so much.

In retrospect, I'm sorry to that server, I am sorry to the friends who were with me, I'm sorry to NZ for not being flexible about your food, and I apologize to other Americans for supporting the bad stereotype. I'm just plain sorry. I'm going to try to go out to eat much less, make dinner out more of a special occasion so I can spend more to get better quality. I'm also going to take a second before I go out to calm down and lower my expectations quite a bit.

Using Windfalls for Health

When I start my PhD later this year, I want to be in the best health possible, and have created feasible and structured routines to continue this trend even though I'll be busier and more stressed out than ever before. I'll be doing my normal job while also juggling starting several new research projects and all the stress that comes from changes and being completely new and dumb at everything. This means I'll need to really focus on time management, efficiency, and taking care of myself: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm tackling each of those key components in turn.

This month (Feb) I'm concentrating on finding physical activities that make me happy and healthy.

In Feb, I also happen to have been hired for about 3 days of freelance work. Since I'm at 80% salary, this money will go a long way, and I can treat it as a windfall. It should add up to about an extra $550 this month.

I've already spent it! I have been dabbling in Pilates lately, and found a program and class and instructor that I really enjoy and like. I feel so amazing and can really tell the difference in my body and posture for days afterward. They offer two-on-one classes as well as working with my shoulder injuries. That one-on-one attention is so important to doing things like yoga and pilates correctly! I've been to bigger (cheaper) classes, and I never feel as though I'm doing anything well.

So I've invested $350 into buying a 10 class card. At $35/class, it is very very expensive, but I figure I can go once a week and get 2.5 months out of it. This will be one of my main ways of getting exercise in the winter months during the PhD.

I've also decided to go for it and finally take tennis lessons, at $150. I've played casually with friends before (one of them is an instructor), and really, really enjoyed it. I think my shoulder injuries have healed to the point that I can do this now. I've always wanted to do this. Afterward, I have several other beginner friends that are willing to hit the ball around with me so I can continue practicing and get better. I also have a friend that lives in a place with a court that we can use for free. Exciting!

Workout plans/physical activities I enjoy:

• yoga
• tennis
• Pilates
• dance classes (all sorts!). This will probably be my winter workout in the absence of running.
• martial arts
• I may join the Uni gym, since it is very cheap for students, for those times I really need to get a workout in on my own time.
• surfing (but need wetsuit)
• soccer
• rock climbing
• hiking
• running
• backpacking
• biking (but need a bike!)
• any other ideas that pop up! I am interested in trying all sorts of new physical activities.

Schedule

Lately, I've been working out an average of 2-3 times a week, with one of those workouts being Pilates for an hour and the other a very long run (1.5 hours; 11 - 12 k) as I am training myself for a race and some major hiking and backpacking. I want to do something physical like running or these classes for an hour 3 times a week, and on off days, do short workouts with one rest day per week.

Accountability
I'm looking for a way to update goal progress daily through an app or tracker I can use on my phone. Anyone know of a good one that will publish to this blog? That way I stay accountable to the wider world. I don't want to have to update the blog every single day...

Paying for the classes

During the first year, I should be able to make enough $$ in salary to pay to continue these classes--I just have to find the time. My new fund is a Sanity PhD Fund and the goal is to save $3K to spend over the next year on activities that will help me maintain my health over the course of the PhD (physical, mental, emotional). I don't consider that a small amount, but I also don't consider my health to be something to skimp on. 

2014 Financial Goals

As I mentioned in my last post, 2014 will be a little different than previous years. Instead of saving up constantly to leave, planning to move back to the US, and getting out of NZ to travel as much as possible, it will be about making NZ more of my permanent home. With all that that entails.

I've worked out my budget once the PhD starts. It isn't that different from the one I'm on now, if my calculations are correct.

I can probably tutor on the side, freelance, or administer exams when the time comes for extra money. I can treat that income as extra for treats whenever work comes in.

Financial Goals for 2014:
1) Review 2013 spending and revise budget for 2014, taking the PhD salary into account once it starts.  Sept 2014: Finally have sorted out my PhD payments, finally know what my 50/50 salary monthly total will be, and have estimated a budget now and post current roommates, which move out end October. UPDATE NOV 2014: New flatmates sorted, new garage renter sorted. 

2) Save $3K NZD in my 2015 US Trip Fund prior to starting the PhD. If my family wants to see me in 2016, I'll have to arrange to tack on a trip with my travels for school (will try to arrange collaborations with US people if possible).

3) Snag another 80K airmiles somehow (it's getting harder and harder to do each year!!) to cover my trip(s) home in 2015. (SEPTEMBER) https://creditcards.chase.com/ink-business-credit-cards/ink-bold-card, http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/credit-card-programs/1573053-lufthansa-miles-more-mastercard-50k-miles-5k-spend-expires-6-30-2014-a.html, This is on track, I've applied for cc's to use while at home next month. Sept 2014: Sort of DONE--have gotten another 140K miles on Delta and US Air BUT that isn't enough to get me home, sadly...will have to figure out some other plan, or pay to go home. :(  Parents are trying to figure out how to apply for rewards cards to bring me home.

4) Use airmiles to go home in September as usual. Flight booked.

5) Review my insurances and financial and will and trust documents to make sure all is as up to date as possible. (September)

6) Save $3K in my PhD Health fund, to be used for: exercise, mental health, hobbies to keep me sane, skills and tools and software I may need.  DONE August 2014

7) Track every penny and stay out of debt.

8) File US taxes in April. March update: have downloaded the files. April: all done, just have to print and mail them. DONE.

9) Start buying/investing in quality pieces (luggage, clothes, linens, shoes, etc.).

10) Choose a couple to move in to save on $$. Use $$ to save up for later years, and toward keeping me sane and spending on conveniences while time-poor in my PhD. TRIED THIS. GOT KICKED OUT OF APARTMENT. :((((

11) Continue to save $600+ per month for as long as possible to House Downpayment, Europe, and Taxable Account funds. So far so good (Sept 2014). Update November 2014: Taxable account done.

12) Have Net Worth of $100K NZD by end of year (depends on currency rates as part of that is in USD). DONE AUGUST 2014! (with an exchange rate of the USD --> NZD of 1 USD = 0.83 NZD).

January 2014 Budget

Wow! January went by so fast, but at the same time, so much happened. I rang in the new year in the amazing city of San Diego...it was bliss! I love that city, its weather, and its fish tacos SO MUCH.

Then when I got back, I was full of social plans, game nights, drinks with people, including hangouts that were intended to be dates (but I didn't know it at the time...how that can happen is beyond me. Welcome to NZ!). So apparently I've been on 4 dates already this year.

Tons of fun, tons of plans, and an annual review that ended with me getting my perfect PhD offer and committing to NZ for the next 5 years.

I'd say that was a pretty amazing month. But here's the damage:

	Jan Budget 2014
Category	Spent	Budgeted Amount
Rent	$840.00	$840.00
Groceries	$386.22	$400.00
Internet	$56.50	$42.50
Electricity	$68.31	$75.00
Eating Out	$117.80	$125.00
Charity	$0.00	$25.00
Cell phone	$0.00	$50.00
Medical	$17.50	$100.00
Misc	$684.76	$275.00
Savings	$600.00	$600.00
Total	$2,771.09	$2,532.50

Income: $2,856.54

Leftover: $85.45 (whew, that's close!!) Put towards the PhD Mental Health Fund (will need it!!)

Rent: yep.

Groceries: Surprisingly UNDER?! How'd that happen?

Internet: over. Flatmate uses it as her sole source of entertainment, I think.

Electric: Under by a bit. Summer!!

Eating out: pretty spot-on.

Charity: I shoulda done this.

Cell phone: Hmm, that doesn't sound right.

Medical: one visit to the doc

Misc: 

alcohol	$    51.99
entertainment	$         -
exercise	$    16.00
fees	$         -
gifts	$    27.52
goods and wants	$   320.75
transportation	$   184.00
travel	$    69.00

Alcohol: yeah, I socialize and drink a lot these days...

exercise: bought a foam roller

gifts: sister's birthday gift and birthday drinks for a friend, christmas present for my flatmate

Goods and wants: clothes, plants, grooming, housewares, planner, toiletries, aloe (got burned!), hiking sandals

transport: way too much cityhop!

travel: visited tiritiri matangi

Sticking up for myself: A trend

Well, all the good luck had to end sometime.

As quickly as it started, my little love affair has ended. The guy I've been seeing regularly for the past few months (in some sort of dating limbo), finally asked me out to dinner. We go, and blam-o, it's an awesome night. Finally he makes a real move. Great, right? But no. It has to be a one-off kind of thing, because he definitely does not like me enough to treat me the way I need to be treated.

Awesomely, I seem to have gotten pretty good at sticking up for myself lately. I deserve to be treated nicely. In no uncertain terms, I told him that we would not be seeing each other the way he wanted to continue our ...whatever it was. It was pretty harmless fun for a month or three, but that's it. No use in wasting time.

At least I have an answer now, after meeting him nearly a year ago, developing a massive crush, and trying to make something happen during that entire duration. It just sucks to be placed in a category less than worthy of dating, but still somehow be called a friend.

To be fair, I'm looking to settle down, and I guess I knew that he wasn't going to be the One to do it with because he just wasn't acting like he liked me like past boyfriends have. He has all the qualities I want, but, like all guys, he has to really like a girl in order to make her a priority. I had kind of hoped I was worth making a priority, because I have had more fun with him than anyone else I've met in NZ, friend or otherwise. Hanging out with him is exciting. He is just a really fantastic time, full stop.

So at least now I get to continue to be friends with his group of friends, whom I like very much. Much less messy this way. Somehow I'll get over the fact that he has not deemed me worthy of playing his love interest--I always do--and eventually be able to appreciate him for his good qualities again.

Just sucks right now, though. How do you deal with disappointment?

Starting Your PhD: Negotiations

Recently I decided to get my PhD. It was a long-debated decision, because I saw how miserable most of my friends have been or are while doing theirs. I was so scared about what I saw and heard that when it came time to decide on my project and sit down with my supervisors officially, I knew I had to voice my concerns.

So, yes, you can negotiate your way through your PhD. I even believe that you should, and any potential supervisor should be open to your ideas and shaping your project to meet your goals. At the very least, there should be wiggle room to compromise.

Here's why:

1. Only you know exactly what you want to get out of the process in the end. Is it a job at 'X' company? An academic career? Twelve publications? A mental breakdown* (*I've heard that that comes free with purchase)? This is 3 to 5+ years of your life. Don't waste the opportunity to get your voice heard early.
2. Only you know how much you'll need to live off of. Work that out and figure backwards. Will you HAVE to work the max amount of hours allowed to take care of Millie your dog and Minerva your aunt? 
3. Your advisors will hopefully do what they can to help you, but they want something from you, too, and will naturally make that a priority if you don't say anything about what your priorities are. Stick up for yourself!
4. The number one complaint I hear from PhD student friends is that they regret not speaking up in the beginning to make their interests and goals clear.

So recently I had the Big Meeting. The one where I met with my potential PhD supervisors and negotiated. I asked for everything I wanted to get from the experience. It went surprisingly well thanks to my spontaneously-invented-five-prong strategy:

1. I have done my homework. I know EXACTLY the kind of job I want at the end. I have looked at the job boards for years and copied the descriptions and requirements into one document. I handed these to my potential supervisors. 
2. I have watched friends go through their PhDs since 2000, and I know how many ways things can go wrong. I have taken mental notes on what caused the problems, and tried to address them in what I secretly called my List of Demands. I also talked to almost everyone I know that had been through a PhD to ask them what they would have asked for in the beginning if they could have. I went through each of these in turn in the meeting.
3. Go over that list with a trusted mentor. I have two male supervisors and one female. I've worked with the female supervisor for 5 years now; she knows exactly how I work. She is also great at massaging egos and saying the right things to get exactly what she wants. She is a total star, and this is why I flatly refused to do a PhD without her involved. If you can find someone like this, stick with them. I asked to meet with her prior to the Big Meeting to go over what I wanted to say, and to make sure I was not asking for anything that would destroy the opportunity in a fit of entitlement. Even if you will not have an advocate in the Big Meeting, you should definitely talk to another academic who knows how these things usually work and can advise you on how to phrase your demands.
4. I approached the problem from a mutually beneficial perspective. People are unsurprisingly flexible if you show them how giving you what you want helps them as well.
5. I sometimes felt quite guilty demanding these while so many other people would kill to have this opportunity. Was I overstepping my bounds? How entitled was I to ask for more than I had already been given?! I tried to manage that feeling by going through the reasons I mentioned in the beginning of this post. (I wonder if this is a female thing, particularly because I grew up in the South, where you are taught to be polite and pleasant at all times, go out of your way to make others comfortable, and generally people please.)

Want to know my list and their responses?

1. Since I want to move back to the US, and I know exactly where I want to work, I asked for time at various US institutions to start to make connections. I mentioned that this kind of collaboration looks fantastic to the funders and is great for the Department's reputation. Response: They agreed whole-heartedly and we wrote some ideas about where to send me. (This also allows me to get some of my flight costs to visit home covered!)
2. I asked to go to international conferences once every 1.5 years. I showed them how wonderfully motivating, helpful, and successful my recent conference experiences had been to my research thus far. Response: They agreed as long as I was producing original work to present at each conference. This is fair.
3. I want to take classes, and have a special seminar each week to get the background I need to do my project well. Response: They agreed and volunteered to run the seminar.
4. I want fieldwork. Response: They agreed and suggested various areas, one area that I've always wanted to go to NZ but haven't had the chance to yet. If we can tie my research to an international location (which should be do-able), I may get to go to Spain while one of my advisors works there. I also will be going along on most, if not all, of the field trips planned for the classes.
5. I want to continue my current job and finish up my current project, slated to end next year. The project will probably continue beyond that time, but I want to make sure it is successful and that all objectives are completed by the official end date. This will take a lot of work in the next year, so I want a 50% work and 50% PhD time commitment to start. Response: OK, no problem, and we will revisit this percentage next year. By that point I should be in a great place to ramp up research anyway, and this will give me time to assimilate to the new schedule and budget. I tentatively agreed to 25/75.
6. I want to apply to a prestigious fellowship in the US. Response: We will give you that time to go if you get the fellowship.
7. I want weekly meetings with my supervisor, at least for the first year and at any time I'm having difficulties. Response: Great, that works.
8. I want to continue the outreach and a few other aspects of my current work that will allow me to apply what I learn beyond the hard science. This will be done through my 50% work, not the PhD, but it is important to me that I see the implications and impact of my research directly. Response: No problem.
9. I do not want to be collecting data until the end. I want a final completion date so I have time to start writing up my dissertation without constantly rewriting it to figure out new data implications. Response: This is negotiable and depends on progress as it is a part-time degree.
10. I don't want to move offices again. My average is once per year now. Ridiculous. Response: Fine for now; if more grad students come and it makes sense for all of us to be in the same office (because we'll be studying the same thing), it will be revisited. 
11. I want registration fees for professional societies paid for. Response: OK up to a certain number, to be determined on a case to case basis, and only for organisations deemed most relevant to my research.
12. I want to have a monthly development meeting for all PhDs, post-docs, and other interested faculty to discuss issues, ideas, and techniques regarding professional skills we need, such as handling large amounts of data, presenting at conferences, and writing journal articles. Response: Great idea, you organise it and we will take turns talking about various topics and teaching others strategies we've learned over our careers.

So you can see I pretty much got a verbal yes to everything I asked for. I asked for things in relative order of importance. If one were paranoid, one could even ask to audiotape the negotiations so that if disagreements occur later, you have it on tape. (I didn't think this was necessary; I have vetted my supervisors out thoroughly and hope to God that I don't regret this decision!)

While I kind of approached it like a peace treaty meeting between two warring factions, the experience showed me that my potential supervisors are highly adaptable to my suggestions, want to listen, and are actually on my side. I hope that they garnered some respect for me in the process; I certainly am proud that I brought up these nagging issues! Personally, I think that negotiating is a strong way to start off a PhD.

PhD Costs

Here I intend to list the direct costs associated with doing a PhD here in NZ, kind of like J. Money is doing with his kid. The opportunity costs, of course, are not so easily calculated...

Applications:
$15 USD to order transcripts urgently
$5 USD to order MORE transcripts
$130 NZD for application fee (not assessed as of yet)

Electronics:
$115 USD Livescribe Echo smartpen
$65 USD in accessories (special notepads, ink refills, pen holder)

Health Investments:
$70 USD sunlamp

PhD Budget

So now that my committee of supervisors (!!) has agreed to a game plan for this year's work-study program for my PhD, I can estimate a tentative budget. With taxes and my employment status (casual or contract?) up in the air, this may change a little bit, but I should earn:

50% PhD Salary = $12,500 or $1,041.67/mo (tax-free)
50% Regular Salary = $22,401.60 or $1,866.80/mo (after tax)
Total per month: $2,908.47

The above is correct if I stay on contract, on the same salary rate, and if my boss doesn't give me a raise this year (she usually does). This is guaranteed income and stable and the contract garners me staff benefits at the Uni (quite valuable). If I go off-contract and casual, my hourly rate should increase, but my income will be sporadic as I work less some weeks and more others (it will all even out to 20 hrs/week in either case, though). Which should I do? Stable, secure, with staff benefits guaranteed, or casual, unstable but higher rate with no staff benefits?? I'm leaning toward the former...unless casual is REALLY that much higher.

I may also have income from free-lance work coming in very sporadically, and I may get paid for helping to teach some courses ($1,500/week). Since I don't know how my time will shake out, I'm not budgeting that in for now. I actually budgeted for a little less just in case.

Category	Budgeted Amount
Rent	$912.50
Groceries	$375.00
Internet	$50.00
Electricity	$100.00
Eating Out	$100.00
Charity	$25.00
Cell phone	$45.00
Medical	$90.00
Misc	$560.00
Savings	$600.00
Total	$2,857.50

Rent + utils are this amount only if I stay in the same apartment. I still haven't heard if the place is being sold, or if we are going to stay if it IS sold. I'm looking at other housing options anyway. 

Thank goodness the 50/50 split between work and PhD should allow me to continue living the way I am right now, at least for the first year. Afterward, things will get much, much tighter, as I'll lose about $500 a month from this budget. 

The great thing is that my parents no longer need me to be their safety net. In fact, I can stand on my own independently, and they have offered their financial support if I need it. I really don't think they are in a place to do that yet--once they pay off their house and my mom seems more secure, I'd think about relaxing a little bit more--but they are on their way. Hurrah!