February 2026: Budgets & Break Downs

Life Update

GRIEF

• Let's start with the biggest issue and the thing consuming most of my life right now: grief. 
  
  
• February was the third full month without my dad. I have never ever ever in my life gone that long without talking to him. It is still so unimaginable. The reality and permanence is only just now starting to hit. I completely broke down on the 3 month anniversary of the phone call that he had hours to live. I've been a huge mess for DAYS. 
  
  A saving grace: I was able to salvage a recording of the last video call I ever had with him. It was nine days before he passed away. He went into the hospital 4 days later and didn't come out alive. I do not normally video call him or my family for our weekly calls and I have no idea what possessed me to record it, but I did. When I checked the video afterward, it was all green lines, no images of my dad. I thought it was lost forever and I was so angry at myself for not recording it properly. I asked chatgpt what I could do to see if I could fix it, and it guided me through the steps to see if there were any images at all in it. Turns out, there were - the whole last 10 minutes of our 40 minute phone call were salvageable on video (I have the full audio too). So I have the last ten minutes that we ever spoke to each other on video and audio. Along with a voicemail recording from my grandmother, a ring heirloom from my other grandmother, a 'worry stone' (smooth shell) that my dad gave me as a teenager on a beach vacation, and my written journals, it is the most precious thing I own. I sent it to my mom and sister for my mom's birthday so they could enjoy it as well.
  
  
• I started going to an online group grief counseling on the last day of the month. It was only the first session but is already very helpful and comforting. I was so, so nervous to join. It was only $25 USD and meets weekly for 3 months. So far, it is already well worth the $25. I am looking forward to next week already.
  

HEALTH & LIVING

• Still no flatmate. I'm spending so much money on rent now! But I break down doing dishes sometimes. I still need so much space and alone time to process and just...breathe and cry and wail. I do not want to feel like I have to mute my grief. So right now I think it is worth it. What is money for if not a situation like this? I'm so grateful my circumstances allow me to front the full rent without dipping into savings at all.
  
  
• My fieldwork is done so I signed up for the gym again. I have my first class on Monday. It is time to start building strength again.
  
  
• At my Dr's appt. in November, I asked the doc about issues with my thumb/hands, feeling dizzy when I stand up after sitting for a while, and perimenopause. She just looked at me like I was a hypochondriac. She said she should refer me to get scans but won't if I don't have private health insurance. I decided to buy it for a year with low excess just in case, get all of the scans and such that year, then increase the excess next year, or downgrade the policy, or cancel it depending on finances, travel plans, and how my health is.
  
  I did oodles of research and decided on Southern Cross's Well Being Two plan w/ day to day module. It is $238/mo w/ discounts from my employer. I'll use it enough to cover the cost of the day to day add on module plan (about $25/mo), but the Well being two plan will only be cost-beneficial if I have to get surgery and/or tons of scans/imaging. We'll see I guess.
  

 

TRAVEL & FUN 

• Still none of that is happening. 
  
  

FAMILY

• My sister went into the hospital again. I think that is the third time this year already?
  
  
• Mom had her first birthday w/o Dad in over 50 years. I think things are finally starting to hit home. I wish I could be there.
  
  

PhD & WORK 

• I am starting to catch up on some of my ongoing work and deadlines. 
  
  
• Supervisors and the University have started to pressure me to re-choose a PhD defense date. I am nowhere near emotionally ready. I'm tempted to float end May/June and see what they say. The defense is my biggest emotional trigger so it will take me longer to feel ready for it. 
  
  

MONEY THOUGHTS & MOVES

• With the high rent, gym membership, and new private health insurance, my spending is way above normal. 
   
• It is looking like I will have to go freelance starting in September this year. Either that or I will have no house, no father...AND no job.
   
• I finally rebalanced my entire NZ-US portfolio so that I'm more diversified and at the risk level I'd like to be at. I can't lie, I paid for chatgpt for 1 month and had it run some analyses, then checked the results against some advice I found online. I have started transferring NZD to my US bank account. I kept waiting until the exchange rate was favorable, but I don't think that's happening anytime soon, so might as well just bite the bullet. That money I transferred will be invested in my non-retirement brokerage account. 
  
  
• I also inspected my Kiwisaver in light of concerns about US tax issues. Depending on who you ask, the Kiwisaver could be considered a retirement account and not subject to trust and PFIC rules but also could be subject to those things. To be on the safe side, I moved everything into two broad funds (within the diversification process) that would result in minimal paperwork if PFIC rules apply. Whew. I'm seeing a tax accountant at some point this year that was recommended by my friend, another US person that went freelance. 
  
  
• I finished doing my US taxes. I just need to print and send them off (the electronic ones never work for me).

 

MONTHLY CHALLENGES

• This month my challenge was to get back on the healthy exercise and eating train, and I will continue those efforts next month. I weigh myself regularly and am actively tracking my hunger levels and foods I eat. The scale isn't budging but I think it is good to just be aware of my habits. 

February 2026 Budget

I am earning a full salary now so things are extremely comfortable. I'm able to spend and save at levels like never before.

Income: $6,124.65

Salary: $5,735.40

Lending Crowd repayments: $124.03

Zagga repayments: $5.22

Garage rent: $260 

Spending: $3,979.03 (65%)

Savings: $2,145.62 ($1,674.43 converted to $1K USD and invested; $471.19 NZD moved to Squirrel towards my $25K Freelance Start Up Consultancy Fund (designed to cover my minimum costs for 1 year)

Spending categories (budgeted amount in parentheses):

Rent: $2,240 - no flatmate

Groceries: $491.59 ($500)  

Electricity & Internet: $192.24 ($300) 

Eating out: $186.81 ($250) -  Garden Shed dinner, drinks, and dessert w/ friend; 2x McDonalds; 2 big burritos from Zambrero; 3 Moustache cookies to share with 5 friends; (also ate at Town Mouse with friend but I consider that a gift since I paid for her meal - she was having a really rough day)

Charity: $30 ($50) 

Cell phone: $17 ($20) 

Medical: $50.49 ($100) - group grief counseling; iron tablets

Misc: $590.90 ($1K)

alcohol: $0 - I did have one strawberry margarita at Garden Shed (but I categorized it w/ Eating out because I don't remember how much it was!) and I had two ciders one night but friends bought them for me

entertainment: $80.09 - $50.09 for two libro.fm audiobook credits (I really wanted to listen to Jay Manuel's Next Top Model "fiction" book after watching the doco); paid $30 for a book written by an old timer in my field that I found myself emailing with randomly! He sounded so enthralled someone wanted to talk to him about his experiences in the field, but his stories are so fascinating. I can't wait to read his book.

self care: $177.97 - 2 massages; 1 pilates class. My regular masseuse awkwardly hugged me after she asked me why I'd been away and I told her the truth. 

fees: $78.75 - $10 and $28.75 for annual membership dues for two local clubs; $40 for chatgpt for a month - it is helpful for things like parsing through long documents, working through options for things like NZ health insurance, editing or drafting difficult emails, and managing my daily ADHD schedule and juggling all the pill timings with/without food!

gifts: $40.70 - treated friend to Town Mouse lunch.

goods and wants: $124.97 - $26.99 for a hip pack for fieldwork from Mountain Warehouse; $44 for period underwear from Kmart; $7 for a spray bottle and travel containers from Daiso; $19.99 for some fluffy slippers; $26.99 for shoe repair kit (the sole of my hiking boots started to delaminate during my fieldwork!!)

transportation: $88.42 - 11 trips on escooters around town, mainly to get groceries. 1 Mevo car trip for $34.78.

travel: $0

Savings and Funds Activity Update

• I transferred $1K's worth of USD to my US bank account this month, bringing the total to invest up to the $3K minimum needed for entry to a new Admiral fund in my brokerage account. 
  
  
• I have about $104K in Rabobank. I really need to transfer some funds elsewhere because $100K is the limit that is insured by the NZ government. The funds are split between a notice saver, a premium saver, and a regular old raboplus account. There is apparently a trick I can use to move funds from my premium saver account which requires the balance of the account to be $50 more than at the start of the month in order to qualify for a higher interest rate. 
  
  
• I have ~$51K in an on-call account earning 2% p.a. in Squirrel, with $4300 of that money invested in various peer-to-peer loans at $100 each at 6 to 6.5% p.a. 
  
  
• I made no Zagga investments this month (again). With the housing market being so soft, I just don't...trust it? It is also $1K a pop in investments, and I'm not comfortable putting that many eggs in one basket. I have ONE loan out and I'm seeing how it all works. I receive about $5.22 per month from that investment.
   
• I am waiting for Lending Crowd to start up again.

• I've met all of my short and medium term savings goals, and then some. In lieu of goals, I have decided to save up for the eventuality that I will have no home and no job this September. This slush fund will also serve as a start up fund in case I go freelance as well. I am calling it my "Freelance Consultancy Start Up Fund" for now. I aim to save up $25K to cover the minimum costs to survive one year. Any funds left over at the end of the month will get split between my US investments and this fund. Any interest I earn from my savings will also go towards this fund. I have about $5K more to save.

   

Net Worth Tracking

NZ Savings (cash): $156,599.62 NZD. This includes invested in peer to peer loans.

Peer to peer lending: $6,111.66 (Zagga, Squirrel, open principal at Lending Crowd)

• LendingCrowd: $824.52 NZD - principal still owed, repaid with interest in weekly installments
• Zagga: ~$946 NZD 
• Squirrel: $4,341.37 NZD

Kiwisaver: $129,796.31 NZD

US investments: $73,279.36 USD

Total Net Worth - NEW METHOD (FEBRUARY 2026): $312,172.84 NZD

I now only count long-term savings and investments in my Net Worth. This month's NW represents an increase of $4,962.14 NZD since last month, and an increase of $9,878.87 NZD since the beginning of the year. 

What is counted in my Net Worth now: 

$60K NZD Former House Down Payment Fund (I will drip feed this into US investments), Kiwisaver (NZ retirement), Roth IRA, Traditional IRA, Berkshire Hathaway investment fund (non-dividend yield fund), non-retirement investment account.

January 2026 Report: Sad Girl Summer

Life Update

PhD & WORK 

• I am well behind on all of my ongoing work and deadlines. But I can't bring myself to care. 
  
  

HEALTH & LIVING

• I need to get a flatmate. I decided that I wouldn't even look for one until after my defense, whenever I feel ready for that. I need time. I need space.
  
  
• I am waiting until my fieldwork is over in Feb to sign up for the gym again.
  
  
• My well person check in November revealed I have very low iron (ferritin) and I was put on oral iron tablets. I need to get my iron checked again now, as well as my cholesterol, which apparently has spiked out of nowhere. 
  
  
• At my Nov appt., I asked about issues with my thumb/hands, feeling dizzy when I stand up after sitting for a while, and perimenopause. The doctor just looked at me like I was a hypochondriac. She said she should refer me to get scans but won't if I don't have health insurance. I decided to buy it for a year, and during that year, get all of the scans and such. I won't be able to afford it for more than a year, though. Unless my job changes...
  
  

TRAVEL, FAMILY, & FUN 

• Yeah, none of that is happening. My sister has gone into the hospital twice since I left the US in mid-Jan.
  
  
• This is the second full month without my Dad. Life is incomprehensible without him. I cannot believe that I will have to go the REST of my life not hearing his voice or getting to tell him all about my highs and lows, or getting his advice.
  
  

MONEY THOUGHTS

• I met my $1K spend for my new AAdvantage cc. I'll get 80K AA miles. This will replenish my miles that I used to take my 2nd ever first class flight from the US to NZ (that was a great experience, and I desperately needed the pampering after my dad's passing).
  
  
• I revamped how I calculate my Net Worth, to try to encourage me to stop hoarding liquid cash that just sits in my (high yield) savings accounts losing value to inflation. I need to take that cash and spend it on what it is intended for or invest it. I'll keep an emergency fund, of course, but the rest can and should be spent within a year or two or moved to a place where it'll have a chance to grow.

 

MONTHLY CHALLENGES

• Now that I'm back in NZ, I need to get back on the Healthy Food and Exercise train. I have been weighing myself every day and record it in a Health Tracker form I created on Google forms. The form also tracks my mood, food intake, day of my period, exercise, number of steps, any supplements, etc. Eventually I will break down the numbers and figure out what it all means.

January 2026 Budget

I am earning a full salary now so things are very comfortable. I returned from the US to NZ in the middle of the month.

Income: $6,123.69

Salary: $5,667.04

Lending Crowd repayments: $126.43

Zagga repayments: $5.22

Garage rent: $325 (5 Mondays)

Spending: $3,623.69 (59.2%)

Savings: $2,500

Spending categories (budgeted amount in parentheses):

Rent: $2,119 (no flatmate)

Groceries: $449.46 ($500)  

Electricity & Internet: $160.15 ($150) 

Charity: $0 ($50) 

Cell phone: $20 ($20) 

Medical: $30 ($100) - to renew a prescription

Eating out: $82.40 ($250) - breakfast sandwich at the airport; $15.10 mcdonalds; $34.10 french toast at a Hamilton cafe; $20.40 for a delicious smoothie (Maui Eatery) and some food; 

Misc: $762.68 ($959)

alcohol: $0  

entertainment: $44.06 - 2 x libro.fm audiobooks: I bought The Circle and The Every by Dave Eggers as I really wanted to listen to them and my library didn't have them - that was $26.06; $18 for entry to Hamilton Gardens

self care: $218 - spa pedicure @ $55; brow wax and tint and lash tint @ $67; haircut and luxurious smelling, good quality korean shampoo: $96; 

fees: $203 - $40 for chatgpt for a month - to help me parse some dense tax legalese, work through the options for NZ health insurance, help me edit several difficult emails, and manage my daily ADHD schedule; $163 for 5 TB Google One storage

gifts: $30 - thank you flowers and gifts for friends that looked after my flat while I was away in the US for ~6 weeks. 

goods and wants: $144.13 - $26.39 for a sleeping bag liner for an upcoming camping trip; $70 for a camping pad pillow; $47.75 to ship two rare books from the estate of a prominent scientist in my field in Australia to NZ 

transportation: $113.09 - $2.39 for an escooter; $57.70 for mevo car; $53 for mevo car;  

travel: $10.40 - supershuttle extra bag cost

Savings and Funds Activity Update

• I transferred $5K to my US bank account this month. Some of that money will go towards my US credit cards, and about $2K will be used to buy US investments - once I have $3K to buy Admiral funds.
  
  
• I have about $104K in Rabobank. I really need to transfer some funds elsewhere because $100K is the limit that is insured by the NZ government. The funds are split between a notice saver, a premium saver, and a regular old raboplus account. There is apparently a trick I can use to move funds from my premium saver account which requires the balance of the account to be $50 more than at the start of the month in order to qualify for a higher interest rate. 
  
  
• I have $50K+ in an on-call account earning 2% p.a. in Squirrel, with $3700 of that money invested in various peer-to-peer loans at $100 each at 6 to 6.5% p.a. About $3.3K of the money in the on-call account is waiting to be invested in personal loans at 7% p.a. when they become available (the wait times for those is about a year!). 
  
  
• I made no Zagga investments this month (again). With the housing market being so soft, I just don't...trust it? It is also $1K a pop in investments, and I'm not comfortable putting that many eggs in one basket. I have ONE loan out and I'm seeing how it all works.
   
• I am waiting for Lending Crowd to start up again.

• I've met all of my short and medium term savings goals, and then some. In lieu of goals, I have decided to save up for the eventuality that I will have no home and no job this September. This slush fund will also serve as a a start up fund in case I go freelance as well. I am calling it my "Freelance Consultancy Start Up Fund."

   

Net Worth Tracking

NZ Savings (cash): $150,027.50 NZD. This does not include funds invested in peer to peer loans.

Peer to peer lending: $5,874.55 (Zagga, Squirrel, open principal at Lending Crowd)

• LendingCrowd: $1,090.48 NZD - principal still owed, repaid with interest in weekly installments
• Zagga: ~$1K NZD 
• Squirrel: $3,799.73 NZD

Kiwisaver: $128,307.00 NZD

US investments: $67,051.16 USD

Total Net Worth - NEW METHOD (January 2026): $309,332.25 NZD

Starting from scratch a bit here. I now only count long-term savings and investments in this number, so it has gone down since last month. This is a decrease of $81,264.31 NZD since last month, and an increase of $N/A since the beginning of the year. 

What is counted in my Net Worth now: 

$60K NZD Former House Down Payment Fund (I will drip feed this into US investments)

$129,111.19 NZD Kiwisaver (NZ retirement)

$16,918.22 USD Roth IRA

$34,440.32 USD Traditional IRA

$1,191.24 USD Berkshire Hathaway investment fund (non-dividend yield fund) 

$16,168.49 USD non-retirement investment account (+ $2K held in US bank account. Once this hits $3K USD, I will buy VTSAX, which has a minimum of $3K USD for Admiral (low fee) shares). 

Unless I create new short- or medium-term goals, in which case I will save up for them of course, ALL 'extra' money leftover at the end of the month will get converted to USD and invested in VTSAX in my non-retirement brokerage account.  

This ONE Mind Trick Will CHANGE EVERYTHING (or, a major shake up to how I view my finances)

[This was written in October, before my dad passed]

Don't you just love the clickbaity articles and youtube video titles?! (Not.) I have to say that they kinda work on me sometimes, though!

While in the last few tumultuous years of my PhD, I dreamed of what came after, and purposefully saved a ton of money for those goals. I was stuck inside working / trying to get myself to work, skipping fun times with friends, not going on fun trips, and generally denying myself a lot of what I knew was healthy (no exercise, no stretching, no social life, lots of quick easy meals that were not necessarily nutritious, overeating to avoid work, tons of anxiety). At the very least, I thought, I could save money so Future Me could enjoy her life post-PhD. 

That time has come. It is almost post-PhD!  

I recently have realized that I have started to have a problem: I never want to spend my money. Even on things I know I want to do/buy. Even when I specifically saved up for that thing/experience. This is a problem how, you may ask? 

Well, this has effed up my monthly budgets majorly. Over my US trip this past fall, I didn't move my "2025 US Trip" Fund $$ over to my bank account as I usually do. Since my income is higher, I thought I'd just *absorb* the cost of the trip within my monthly budgets. Easy, right? 

NO.

I have a shameful secret (that I actually have talked about before, so is not really a secret): when I'm on vacation, I don't really restrict my spending. I do track it when I need to meet a minimum spend on a credit card, as happened during my trip this year, but I don't pay attention to the amount beyond that. If I know I need/want something that I cannot get in NZ and have been thinking about for months, I will just buy it. No dilly dallying about sales or whether I can get it cheaper elsewhere - I just buy it. Far too often I've dilly dallied and then totally regretted not buying the thing once I'm back in NZ. I've learned my lesson about this too many times. 

Anyway, my monthly budgets for August, Sept, and October are now all wonky, because I didn't track my spending and also assumed I'd just absorb the spending within my budgets. If I expected to include that spending within my monthly budgets, I needed to track it!!! It's like the most obvious thing ever!

One may say, well, then, you've solved the issue - just track things properly next time! But no, this misses the point, and doesn't actually solve the REAL problem underlying my decision-making.

I started thinking - I can afford to buy the stuff I bought, and then some, so why is this such a big deal which "pot" of money that the vacation spending comes out of? My internal spending gauge kicks in easily after decades of practice now, and I completely trust myself to spend wisely. So my spending ALSO isn't the issue.

I realized then what the root of it all is: I am subconsciously avoiding moving the money from savings to checking because I do not want my Net Worth to go down. I want it to keep going up up UP (it's our moment - thank all the gods for the gem that is KPop Demon Hunters!). 

But that mindset means that I will just hoard my money forever. If my NW can never go down by me voluntarily spending money, where TF does that leave me?! Never having fun, not going on trips, never again buying things that I have carefully thought about and want, not ever spending more than I can make in one month...THAT'S where. The discretionary spending from my monthly income essentially puts a firm cap on the amount I can spend on big ticket items and experiences. And that is NOT what I want my life to be like.

To fix this, I think I need to do a difficult thing. I think I need to remove my savings that are in short and medium term funds from my Net Worth. This will make it go down down down. It's a takedown, if you will. Yes, this will be PAINFUL. I feel like I've scratched and bit my way to try to break the $300K NZD and then the $350K mark over the last few years, and am ABOUT to hit the $400K mark... But I think it is necessary if I'm going to be able to enjoy my life the way I want to.

Here is my funds list, with those that will be affected marked with an asterisk: 

Completed Short-Term (~1 yr) Funds:

$5K 2025 Christmas? US Trip Fund* - we just found out that my dad probably has lung cancer and this might be his last Christmas with us. Plus, my defense is on December 12 - we will have something to celebrate at least! I have bought flights home after my defense, for Dec 15, to surprise my parents and sister :)

$5K 2026 US Trip Fund*

$650 Premium Gym Membership Fund*

$4K Furniture Fund*

$5.2K Rent + Bond Fund*

$1K New Smartphone Fund*

$2K New Laptop Fund*

Completed Medium-Term (1-5 yrs) Funds:

$10K EF*

$5K 2025 Post-PhD Hand-In Pre-Defense Travel*

$13K Post-PhD Graduation Travel Fund*

$10K Post-Defense Life Set Up Fund*

$5K Post-PhD Hobby Fund*

$10K Medical Fund*

$5K Tax Advisor Hire Fund*

$4582 Freelance Consultancy Start Up Fund*

Completed Long-Term (5+ yrs) Funds:

$60K Former House Down Payment Fund

 

*This money was saved up to be SPENT later. NOT saved. It has a near-future purpose. Therefore, it shouldn't be counted in my Net Worth. Those funds are to be used for investment in myself, my health, my quality of life, my peace of mind, to save me during emergencies, etc., over the next 5 years.  

The problem is that you could consider EVERY fund/savings expendable in the very long term. 

Retirement funds are meant to be spent during retirement, after all. House down payment funds are meant to be spent on ...a house down payment. Etc. Ad nauseum. So what does it matter? That is a tricky question, but short- and medium-term vs long-term is where I've decided to draw my line. Any savings that are meant to be spent in the next 5 years does not go into my Net Worth, full stop. Any money saved up to be spent after that horizon, is counted. At least for now.

The only fund that I do not think should get caught up in this round up is my $60K House Down Payment Fund. I had pipe dreams of buying in NZ but have since realized that is never going to happen on my salary. Maybe if I get a decent inheritance (hopefully far down the road), but I do not want to count on that. That money really belongs in investments rather than liquid savings. I'm waiting on financial advice, the US-NZ currency exchange to get better, and to explore some tax efficient investment options here in NZ before I can do that. 

The rest - about $85,500(!) - needs to be taken out of the calculations for my Net Worth. This drops my Net Worth down to just above $300K (dependent on the stock market and the US-NZ currency exchange). OUCH. This is brutal, but I think this is a very necessary step to:

1. Prevent me from becoming a stingy miser who never spends money even on things she wants and probably needs, 

2. Encourage myself to think more carefully about what I am saving up for. Do I really want it? Is it a short- or medium-term goal, or a long-term goal? Where does that money belong in the grand scheme of things? and 

3. Have a realistic picture of my *actual* Net Worth.

This will be a painful change, so I'm waiting until the new year to make it. Starting January 2026, I'll shift how I calculate my Net Worth and make new goals accordingly.  

The new SideBar is up NOW!

Catching Up...Slowly

I have a slew of posts I have partially written over the past 6 or so months and not had the time/inclination to finish and post. My monthly budget updates, for example. My new $$ strategy. My new credit card. An experience in first class long haul flying. 

I'll just start finishing them and posting them, so there will be a glut of posts over the coming days to weeks.  

If I were well-off...

 ...I would just go and fill SO many Go-Fund-Mes to the brim. Reading them is so, so sad. 

That Elon Musk and TSwift and all the Bezos's of the world are not doing things like that is absolute insanity. How can they LIVE with themselves? Having so much while other people have so very little and suffer so much. I would be fighting for fairness, to equalize the system, if I felt as financially secure as they must feel.

I need to give more back. My future feels so uncertain, though. I will lose my job and low rent apartment in the next year so feel like I should not start giving right now. I need to be smart about it. 

Some of the hesitation is due to the fact that I just lost my dad. I have this urge to give BIG but I know I should not be making decisions like that right now. 

It is a huge new world without him. I'm trying to rebuild myself in a way that would make him proud and happy, but it is such a struggle every minute of every day. 

December 2025: The first full month without my Dad

Life Update
 

December passed with me in a fugue. My world stopped when I got the phone call that my Dad had passed the day before Thanksgiving. My mom left a voicemail at 4 am NZ time and I woke up and saw the notification at 7 am. I've been at home since the Friday after Thanksgiving. Our holidays will always be marred by that memory. Nothing will ever be the same anymore. So far the grief is just getting larger and larger as the missed moments without him pile up. We'd be making noise in the kitchen or somewhere in the house and normally he'd yell to find out what was happening. Every single time we have a scene like that, I expect to hear his voice and when it doesn't come, think, "Dad would have said ___ right now, but he can't." And then the wave of devastating sadness returns. Those moments are just building up. I've never ever gone this long without speaking to him and hearing him say he loves me.

It feels so unfair that I was SO. CLOSE. to my defense and graduating with my PhD. It was one of the big things he was looking forward to. As was I, of course. We *almost* made it. Him passing before that could happen was literally my biggest fear throughout my entire PhD. When I wrote the dedication to my entire (alive) family in my thesis, I thought, WHEW, we're nearly there, we're actually gonna make it! When I hit the 'submit' button on my thesis, I thought we were in the clear. I was so thankful that he would get to see our dreams come true. I let my guard down, and now I'm paying for my hubris. I should have known better. Good things like that just don't happen to people like me. Things always have to be so difficult, or snatched away at the last moment. 

I had a flight home the day after he passed. I have zero annual leave left due to some snafus in the HR system, but applied for 2 weeks' bereavement leave and was approved. I had to work the week before Christmas which was awful. I think I got through about one email a day. One day I had a half hour meeting and it was excruciating. I was in bed for about 16 hours afterward. The trying to focus thing is so difficult right now, it wipes me out. 

Christmas was terrible. We went through the motions and got through it as a family, but it was quiet and sad. We hadn't gotten the tree up or decorated at all. My little sister in particular really wanted us to put up the tree. I couldn't be bothered, and neither could my mom. But the day before Christmas Eve I felt guilty and talked about it to my mom. I went to Walmart to get a small pre-decorated tree. It sufficed for the holiday and was a good decision. On Christmas Eve we went to my aunt's house and hung out with my cousin and her kid. We went to the Christmas Eve church service and saw people from church. Then we went back to their house and opened presents and ate some food. Christmas morning was just me and my mom and sister. For the first time in my life, we didn't have stockings to go through first. It was so weird to not have my dad there exclaiming over our usual presents of socks to him, of course. 

One day afterward I traveled to see a college friend and his family for lunch. It was nice but we are just not as close anymore, and he has changed a lot. For NYE, I drove 4 hours away to see another college friend and stay at his place for a few days. He has a new puppy that kept us very busy. I sobbed telling him about my dad passing and how it all unfolded, and I cried many other times during the trip, esp the morning of New Year's Day. The prospect of a full year ahead of me without my Dad was too hard. It has barely been a month. I wasn't sure I could go and stay with my friend for so long - I have only really been around my mom and sister for long periods of time since my dad passed. I thought I was going to have to drive home early, actually. The thought of facing a whole year without my dad still overwhelms me. I'm not going to get through it without feeling even worse emotionally than I do now, and it scares me. 

On the 5th, I have to go back to work. My employer forces us to take the week between Christmas and the day after New Year's Day off. I'm not up for it. I'm working remotely for now, but have a flight back to NZ next week.

  

PhD & WORK 

• I am well behind on all of my ongoing work and deadlines. But I can't bring myself to care. 
  
  

HEALTH & LIVING

• I still don't have a flatmate. Luckily my LL gave me a break on rent while I'm in the US grieving my dad. That will stop when I'm back in NZ in mid-January. I have to put up an ad and interview flatmates when I return. I'm not looking forward to it at all.
  
  
• On the plane ride to NZ, I had all these delusions of spurring my mom and sister to go on short walks while I was at home, but I have been eating badly and not exercising at all. I'm definitely still too sad to find any motivation to do anything healthy.
  
  
• My well person check in November revealed I have very low iron (ferritin). I got my shingles vaccine. I asked about issues with my thumb/hands, feeling dizzy when I stand up after sitting for a while, and perimenopause. The doctor just looked at me like I was a hypochondriac. She said she should refer me to get scans but won't if I don't have health insurance. In NZ? Where we have a public health system?? She also said that I shouldn't "go looking" for perimenopause symptoms when I described my irregular periods, hot flashes, and very CLEAR signs of perimenopause. Private health insurance is many hundreds of dollars in NZ and I keep looking into it and deciding not to get it. I guess I'll just see how I get along on the public system.
  
  

TRAVEL, FAMILY, & FUN 

• N/A
  
  

MONEY THOUGHTS

• I applied for a new cc in December. On my flight home in November, American Air gave out special credit car bonus deal that was hard to pass up: 80K points for $1K spend. That effectively replaces the airmiles I used to pay for my round trip flights to/from NZ for my dad's funeral.
  
  
• I gave a talk at a conference and won runner up for best talk. The prize for that was $250.
  
  
• I need to start feeling OK with spending the money that I saved up for for a certain reason ON that reason. Otherwise I'll just end up hoarding money or feeling like my bank balance is too low (because I use my income to pay for things instead of the money I've saved up). Once I recognized this problem, I devised a new strategy that I'll start in 2026. It will mean that my Net Worth will plummet, but I need to change my mindset around spending money that I have saved up for a specific purpose. If my dad's death has taught me anything, it is that I need to stop putting off my life and actually live it.
  
  

 

MONTHLY CHALLENGES

• N/A
  
  
• When I'm back in NZ, I need to get back on the Healthy Food and Exercise train.
  

December 2025 Budget

I am earning a full salary now so things are very comfortable. I was in the US through the whole month.

Income: $6,423.97

Salary: $5,667.04

Lending Crowd repayments: $176.21

Zagga repayments: $5.22

Garage rent: $325 (it was a 5 Monday month)

Talk award prize money: $250  

Spending: $2,260.96 (35.2%)

Moved to Savings: $2,500

Kept in Reserve (US cc bills): $1,663.01

Spending categories (budgeted amount in parentheses):

Rent: $1,212 (no flatmate; I'm paying half of the total rent myself because my LL took pity on me this month)

Groceries: $0 ($500)  

Electricity & Internet: $0 ($150). December's bill came in January.

Charity: $356 ($50) I contributed to a grad school friend's go-fundme. He worked for the US govt and got caught up in a terrible situation during the administration's shenanigans, this all while caring for a disabled child who needs special housing and schooling (very expensive).

Cell phone: $20 ($20) I bought a roaming package in the US.

Medical: $20.20 ($100) I wasn't eating much after I got home so I bought some multivitamins to ensure I at least got some good stuff in my system.

Eating out: $119.65 ($250) These are deferred costs from my flights and travel at the end of November - I forgot to log them before I did my November budget round up and reconciliation, so they ended up moving to December. It's mostly a pizza night from Sal's and a smoothie and food and souvenir food from Auckland airport.

Misc: $533.11 ($959)

alcohol, self care, gifts, goods and wants, transportation: $0 

entertainment: $35 - chatgpt for one month. It came in handy for asking about various things pertaining to my dad's death, but I don't think I'll renew unless I have a similar stressful month coming up.

fees: $421.77 for contents insurance for 2026 and $75 for my ANZ credit card biannual fee (worth it for the travel insurance alone).

travel: $76.34 - flight back to NZ fees and taxes (used AA miles)

Savings and Funds Activity Update

• I have about $104K in Rabobank. I really need to transfer some funds elsewhere because $100K is the limit that is insured by the NZ government. The funds are split between a notice saver, a premium saver, and a regular old raboplus account. There is apparently a trick I can use to move funds from my premium saver account which requires the balance of the account to be $50 more than at the start of the month in order to qualify for a higher interest rate. 
  
  
• I have $50K+ in an on-call account earning 2% p.a. in Squirrel, with $3700 of that money invested in various peer-to-peer loans at $100 each at 6 to 6.5% p.a. About $3.3K of the money in the on-call account is waiting to be invested in personal loans at 7% p.a. when they become available (the wait times for those is about a year!). 
  
  
• I made no Zagga investments this month (again). With the housing market being so soft, I just don't...trust it? It is also $1K a pop in investments, and I'm not comfortable putting that many eggs in one basket. I have ONE loan out and I'm seeing how it all works.
   
• I am waiting for Lending Crowd to start up again.

• I've met all of my short and medium term savings goals, and then some. In lieu of goals, I have decided to save up for the eventuality that I will have no home and no job this September. This slush fund will also serve as a a start up fund in case I go freelance as well. I am calling it my "Freelance Consultancy Start Up Fund."

   

Net Worth Tracking

NZ Savings (cash): $150,027.50 NZD. This does not include funds invested in peer to peer loans.

Peer to peer lending: $5,874.55 (Zagga, Squirrel, open principal at Lending Crowd)

• LendingCrowd: $1,090.48 NZD - principal still owed, repaid with interest in weekly installments
• Zagga: ~$1K NZD 
• Squirrel: $3,799.73 NZD

Kiwisaver: $128,307.00 NZD

US investments: $67,051.16 USD

Total Net Worth (Dec 2025): $390,596.56 NZD

This is an increase of $4,588.14 NZD since last month, and an increase of $48,270.92 since the beginning of the year. Starting in January 2026, I will be changing how I report my Net Worth. It will drop about $100K for reasons I will explain in another post. 

I Don't Know Who I Am or What I Want Anymore

With Dad gone, 45 in office, perimenopause and ADHD hitting hard, a terrible economy, rising costs, AI slop takeover, and a second pandemic of disinformation (on top of the covid pandemic, which is STILL GOING ON - a family friend just lost their sibling to it), as well as the loss of several dear friends (these people are not dead but are too busy to keep in contact now that they have left NZ), with other friends in NZ very busy with kids and marriage, life has lost a LOT of its luster and fun over the past ~10 years. 

I thought I knew what I wanted: lots of travel with good friends, seeing family a lot, beach vacations, weekend getaways, camping and ski trips, new countries, new experiences, and adventures. During the PhD, I saved up so much money and daydreamed of this every chance I got. I strategically have been applying for credit card bonuses and have, arguably, enough to subsidize most of my flight costs for several big overseas trips. I have meticulously planned flight routes and airmile costs.

But I don't feel like doing ANY of that. I don't feel like seeing friends. I only want to be around my mom and sister, at most. The people who understand the pain, and people that knew my Dad best. I don't feel like organizing a big trip, let alone several. I don't want new crazy once in a lifetime experiences. 

I want to stay home. Alone. Cozy. Cocoon. Warmth. Baths. Dim light. Audiobooks (because I can't see without reading glasses anymore, and even then, it is a struggle to make out some text). Slow movement. Slow life. Quiet. No obligations. Security. Delivery of food. Convenience. Routine. Sameness. Solitude. Predictability. Nothing new, nothing different. I want the world to just. stop. I need to catch my breath. With Dad gone, I feel like I have to relearn how to breathe and walk and do literally everything again, because nothing is the same, or will ever be the same, anymore. I feel like nothing should move or change in case he comes back.

This places my current needs completely at odds with what I have been saving up my time, energy, airmiles, and money for. Stuff I was supposed to be doing relatively soon.

All that to say, I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what will give my life meaning anymore. I thought I knew, but now I don't. I have to redefine who I am. What will help give shape to me without my Dad to help define those edges? 

I obviously need therapy, of course, but I also need to completely rehaul my life goals. So many of them just don't apply anymore.