Some Good News

Some (rare) good news as June starts:  

• As I reported in the May update, I passed my long-awaited and (more recently) dreaded PhD defence (NZ spelling). While my emotions about doing it without my father are very fraught, and I have felt nothing except sadness since, little leaks of relief about it being done are starting to creep in. I do have revisions to make, however, so the journey is not completely over, unfortunately.
  
  I haven't celebrated properly yet because of all of the emotions. It just doesn't feel like a celebratory moment without my father around. But I think other people are going to force it to be celebrated. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.
  
  
• My previous car service, Mevo, went into receivership. I had $1500 NZD (!) worth of credit with them that I bought with a US credit card when this happened. I have sadly succumbed to buying 1 month's worth of a chatgpt subscription (apparently Claude is better now, but I only just got that message), but in this case, it paid for itself, many times over! 
  
  I complained to it about the situation. It said to write into the US consumer financial protections office to try to claim a refund for those costs based on the company not fulfilling their duties and providing value for the service. It walked me through every step and even helped to draft the complaint letter. That was on April 3. 
  
  The bank the credit card was with (which is now closed) investigated and today, June 7, I found out that it was going to reimburse me about $1,250 USD. I asked for about 1500 NZD, or $875 USD's worth, so this is very surprising. 
  
  I didn't t have a ton of hope that I'll get any of that money back, so this is a huge bonus!

May 2026 Life Update and Budget Review

Life Update

GRIEF

• No update here, so I'll repeat last month's update (again): This continues to be the centerpiece of my life. It is my immediate feeling when I wake up, as I go about my day, and as I drift off to sleep. It permeates everything.
  
  
• May was the sixth full month without my dad. The reality of the situation - I will never talk to, hug, or be able to see my dad every again, and he'll never be able to see, huge, or talk to me again (which is almost worse?) is hitting, and HARD. I cry every day still. Not always huge wracking sobs, but the tears come often.
  
  
• I finished the group grief counseling course. It was the best thing I've done for myself in a very long time. Now that it is over, I will need to make space and time for my grief. It spills out into my life naturally anyway, but it was very beneficial to me to have an allocated weekly event where I just focused on that one thing. Knowing that it was there helped me get through the tough weekdays.

 

PhD & WORK 

• Last month, I reported that: My supervisor asked AGAIN (again) about my defense. I am so tired of fighting for this boundary that I gave in and said she could give the signal to start planning it again. If I fail, I fail. I am so sad and emotional over it and have warned her what happens every time I think of it, so it'll be her fault if I blow it. I can't muster up enough resolve to fight anymore. 
  
  
• My PhD defense was subsequently scheduled for the first week of June.
  
  
• While preparing for the defense, the grief was overwhelming. I had so much to do to prep, and the supervisor that was supposed to help me went MIA. So I was swimming on my own. I felt so abandoned - not only by my supervisor, but by my dad. He was supposed to be there helping me get through it! It's not like it was his choice, but it still brought all the hurt to the surface. 

  I had a full break down two days before the defense and just had to go to bed to cope. It took everything I had in me - every single ounce of strength and resolve - to get up and continue prepping. I ended up staying up all night the night before (it was scheduled for 8:30 am) to prepare. It was a good thing I did! Most of what they asked about, I prepared responses for less than 10 hours prior. Who says you can't ADHD cram for a PhD?! ha.

• It was a weird experience. Oddly informal almost. It was completely over Zoom. There were six people there, including me, and two of those people were not allowed to speak. All of the strict rules were not as strict as I thought they were, but the questions were more difficult than I anticipated. I was told I only had 20 minutes to present my ENTIRE PhD, and practiced and cut content like crazy to get it to 19 minutes and something seconds. Only then for the person that ran the meeting to say that it was fine if I went over time and took like 25 minutes!! Gah, what are rules FOR?! 
  
  Also I was told that the examiners could only ask me questions that they'd sent in the examiner's report last year. But they ended up asking me tons of totally additional questions that I couldn't have prepared for! 
  
  I was sleep deprived, on the verge of tears, terrified of going over time and looking stupid, and just nervous the whole time - what if this was 12 years down the drain? - and I did not do as well as I could have. My answers rambled, my voice shook, and I was super awkward interacting with the examiners. 
  
  Eventually the examiners ran out of questions and went away for ~5 minutes to discuss the result. During that time, my supervisors and I were left on the Zoom. Immediately, the Bad Co-supervisor started telling me all the things I should have said instead. He made it all about himself and said that he couldn't even look at the camera. 
  
  However, my nice supervisor was super nice and said I sounded thoughtful and knowledgeable in my answers. At least I made the right decision keeping her as my main supervisor instead of the co-supervisor, as was the plan at the start!
   
• So, the result: I passed. Technically this is June news I'm reporting in the May update, but this is blog-worthy news! 
  
  I have thesis revisions I have to make, but it is close to being over. 
  
  After closing the Zoom, I collapsed in sadness and tears. Instead of being relieved or happy, I'm devastated. I feel AWFUL about it. I know I'm supposed to feel so good about it. 
  
  Once I stopped crying so hard, I called my mom and sister to report the news. Missing were my dad's proud yells and excitement. He was always the louder parent, and I'm missing that exuberance right now.
  
  I refused all the friends that wanted to immediately celebrate with me - I just am not in that headspace right now. Any celebration would end with me faking happiness or with me in tears, sobbing. I told them all I needed the weekend to process and do self care and take care of my living space, and that is what this first weekend of June is for, no one and nothing else. 
  
  
• Right after my defense, my boss said she had gotten a notice that my contract was expiring soon and we would need to talk. I'm very likely losing my 18-year job soon. My other contract with my employer lasts until end August, but then it looks like I have nothing on the horizon.

 

HEALTH & LIVING

• Still no flatmate. I will be looking for one soon.
  
  
• I have not been going to the gym. I'm just down in the dumps, never feel like going. It is the task switching aspect of it for me, plus wanting/needing to get certain bits of work done, plus the amount of time in my day it takes up. I wish I could get focused on my physical health again, but my grief just has taken over my life completely. Plus I was defence prepping (or worrying about defence prepping) for most of May.
  
  
• I had a dentist appointment this month: cleaning and dentist check up and X-rays. Very expensive - nearly $500!
  
  
• I went to urgent care in May. One day my left lower side felt a bit cramp-y but I thought it was just my period coming. The next day, I had a normal day at work but when I went home, the pain got really really strong. It was horrible. All I could do was curl up in bed and endure. Then I started vomiting violently. Not from the pain, though, something in my gut was just ...wrong.  
  
  The second round of vomiting without any relief from the pain saw me calling my friends who live two apartment buildings down from me to see if they could take me to the urgent care. It was about 9 pm at that point, and I'd been in excruciating pain since 5 pm with no relief. 
  
  They gave me some strong pain meds - which thankfully worked to relieve 90% of the pain - and took a urine sample. It came back with red blood cells and indicating an infection, so sent me away with a script for pain meds and antibiotics. I've now finished the antibiotics and my gut is still a little tender once in a while. 
  
  I'm supposed to take another urine test to confirm nothing is still going on there.
  
  
• Perhaps relatedly to my gut issues and the PhD stuff (see section, above), I've started to eat a whole lot less over the past few weeks. I'm just weirdly not very hungry most of the time. During the PhD, I used eating as an excuse to take breaks. I have to eat, sleep, etc. to live right? Eating became a way to avoid my PhD, guilt-free. That and maybe due to perimenopause, I gained weight and was teetering on the edge of 70 kg. That is too much for my frame, and I don't recognize myself anymore. 
  
  I hope not being as hungry leads to less snacking and eating for no reason. So far, so good. 
  
  
• My supplements game is a bit off: After my ER visit, I stopped taking the iron pills. I am just worried I'm doing some sort of damage to my gut/intestines as it causes severe constipation. I ran out of magnesium and multivitamins. I still take fish oil, vit B12, Vit D and K, and Biosil drops almost every day. I still need to add back iron and get some fiber in there, but those both can cause gut issues.
  
  
• I need to set my physio appointments up -  have done research and found one I want to try out. 
  
  
• I also want to go to the dermatologist and get a ferritin infusion since I stopped taking the iron pills.

 

TRAVEL & FUN 

• May was mostly me prepping for my defence, though I did go out to celebrate a friend's birthday. 
  
  
• I still have a weekly 'date' with some friends to catch up and watch a tv show, but I had to skip the last few as I was super busy with defence prep. 
  
  
• I saved up for so much travel post-PhD! But post-my dad passing, I do not feel like being anywhere except my home, cozy in solitude and in my comfy bed, or with my family in the US. Nowhere else has any sort of appeal right now. I want familiarity and low energy activities. The travel I do is usually the exact opposite of those things, and I can't fathom spending tons of money just to lay in a strange bed, not seeing or experiencing the new sights and culture around me - I may as well just stay home in a controlled environment if I'm going to just want comfort.
  
  

FAMILY

• My sister found out there is something wrong with her blood counts last month. She still hasn't gotten an appointment to get tested. Her doc didn't refer her properly or something, and it took my mom going with my sister to her follow up appointment for anything to happen. But the referral place doesn't even have appointments available for several months! 
  
  Also my sister had a few mental health crises and was threatening her own life and ended up in the hospital twice in May. 
   

MONEY THOUGHTS & MOVES

• With the high rent, gym membership, and new private health insurance, my spending is way above normal. That is just how it is right now.
   
• It is looking like I will lose my job starting in September this year, but my boss wants to keep me on my project. One option is to go freelance. I'm waiting for my employer's final decision on this.
  
  
• ChatGPT saved me some money already and potentially thousands! Firstly, my electricity and power company changed my plan to a more expensive one due to a meter upgrade requirement, but the meter subcontractor has not contacted me to get access to my meter to upgrade it, for over 7 months now. On the AI's behest, I complained and they now offer me a 44% credit to my account on my bill every month. That's already a few hundred bucks. 
  
  Secondly, my usual car service, Mevo, went into receivership and I had $1500 NZD worth of credit with them that I bought with a US credit card. I complained to the AI and they said to write into the US consumer financial protections office. The bank the credit card is with is now investigating. I don't have a ton of hope that I'll get any of that money back, but they didn't immediately reject my complaint, so that is something!
  

MONTHLY CHALLENGES

• Previously my challenge was to get back on the healthy exercise and eating train, but I keep failing. Therefore I give UP. I can't do it right now. It is time I face it and just try to get through the days as best I can.
  
  June will be another month like this. I just need self care and to get back in touch with my brain and body.

May 2026 Budget

I am earning a full salary now so things are extremely comfortable. I'm able to spend and save at levels like never before, but next month is the LAST month of full salary.

Income: $6,091.17

Salary: $5,654.42

Lending Crowd repayments: $81.40

Zagga repayments: $10.38

Garage rent: $325 

Previous month overage: $19.97 

Spending: $4,998.48 (82.1%)

Savings: $1,138.69 

Spending categories (budgeted amount in parentheses):

Rent: $3,025 - no flatmate

Groceries: $320.85 ($500) - I'm just not as hungry lately; and have been eating down my freezer.  

Electricity & Internet: $205.67 ($300) 

Eating out: $102.20 ($250) - I've been eating more red meat but don't necessarily want to cook it: Burger Fuel ($60.50); Downlow Burgers ($41.70)

Charity: $80 ($50) - Coastguard Lotto ($50); Heart Assoc. Lotto ($30)

Cell phone: $20 ($20) 

Medical: $834.67 ($100) -  Southern Cross premium ($237.49); dental clean and check up ($466.90); Urgent Care visit ($100); antibiotics scrip ($0.28)

Misc: $360.09 ($1K)

alcohol: $0 

entertainment: $0 

self care: $0

fees: $137 - $10 fee for Cityhop membership; $12 Chaotic Neutral patreon; $40 for chatgpt monthly fee; $75 monthly ANZ credit card fee (travel insurance); 

gifts: $142 - flowers for mothers day

goods and wants: $35 - toaster for house to replace busted one

transportation: $46.09 - flamingo scooters x 14; this is getting to be a bit of a bad habit.

travel: $0 

Savings and Funds Activity Update

• I transferred $1K NZD to Squirrel. That balance sits at about $61K, with $7,092 of that invested in various peer-to-peer loans at $100 each at 4.75% to 6.5% p.a.
  
  
• I have about $94K in Rabobank. 
  
  
• I have one Zagga investment ($1K total). One was drawn down. I converted this $ into USD and about $650 US is sitting in my US bank account ready to be invested in my US brokerage account.
   
• I am (still) waiting for Lending Crowd to start up again.
  
  
  

Net Worth Tracking

NZ Savings (cash): $157,370.39 NZD. This includes investments in peer to peer loans.

Peer to peer lending: $8,607.08 (Zagga, Squirrel, open principal at Lending Crowd)

• LendingCrowd: $569.31 NZD - principal still owed, repaid with interest in weekly installments
• Zagga: ~$940 NZD 
• Squirrel: $7,092 NZD

Kiwisaver: $141,115 NZD

US investments: $77,005.75 USD

Total Net Worth - NEW METHOD (May 2026): $331,539.39 NZD

I now only count long-term savings and investments in my Net Worth. This month's NW represents an increase of $11,315.16 NZD since last month, and an increase of $29,245.42 NZD since the beginning of the year. 

What is counted in my Net Worth now: 

• $60K NZD Former House Down Payment Fund (I will drip feed this into US investments)
• Kiwisaver (NZ retirement)
• Roth IRA
• Traditional IRA
• Berkshire Hathaway investment fund (non-dividend yield fund)
• Non-retirement investment account

April 2026: Budget Review and Life Update

Life Update

GRIEF

• No update here, so I'll repeat last month's update: This continues to be the centerpiece of my life. It is my immediate feeling when I wake up, as I go about my day, and as I drift off to sleep. It permeates everything.
  
  
• April was the fifth full month without my dad. The grief keeps getting worse and worse as reality starts to sink in.
  
  
• I am on Week 11 of an online group grief counseling now. It is so very helpful. I am going to be sad when it ends at 13 weeks. What will I do? I don't know, but I will need to make space and time for my grief. If I don't, I know it will spill out into my life anyway.
   

HEALTH & LIVING

• No update here, so I'll repeat last month's update: Still no flatmate. I'm not even going to look for one until after my PhD defense. Again, I say, what is money for if not a situation like this? 
  
  
• No update here, so I'll repeat last month's update: I have not been going to the gym. I'm just down in the dumps, never feel like going. It is the task switching aspect of it for me, plus wanting/needing to get certain bits of work done, plus the amount of time in my day it takes up. I wish I could get focused on my physical health again, but my grief just has taken over my life completely. 
  
  
• I have kept on the fish oil, magnesium, multivitamin, vit B12, Vit D and K, and Biosil drops regimen. I still need to add protein and fiber in there. 
  
  
• Relatedly, I recently realized that I feel better and more full when I eat red meat. I do not like the way beef and lamb taste in NZ (they are fully grass fed, which sounds like a good thing until you realize that that makes the meat very game-y to the US palate), so this is a problem. Part of the reason has to be because my ferritin is still very low, due to (TMI) heavy bleeding. I think I'm in full blown perimenopause but my doctor keeps denying my requests to investigate and treat it.
  
  
• I need to set my physio appointments up -  have done research and found one I want to try out. I think I'll go after some work stuff calms down. 
  
  
• I always have trouble in April. I always check out for like a week. That happened again this year. I could do nothing but call in sick and lay in bed. A few weeks later, I'm starting to feel a little better, but a lot of work piled up while I was away. 

 

TRAVEL & FUN 

• No update here, so I'll repeat last month's update: Still none of that is happening, though I have a weekly 'date' with some friends to catch up and watch a tv show. It is stabilizing and nice. They are so kind. I also went with some friends to see Project Hail Mary, which was wonderful. The audio book is incredible. My other friend's cat died and she moved about an hour away, so it is hard to see her. Another friend is having serious family issues, so she has been busy with them. Yet another friend moved to the bottom of the island. I am running out of friends. :(

FAMILY

• My sister found out there is something wrong with her blood counts. I'm scared.
  
  
• It was my Mom and Dad's 50th wedding anniversary recently. It was intensely sad. 
  
  

PhD & WORK 

• I am totally overwhelmed. There is so much to do and so much pressure, and I just am not coping well.
  
  
• My supervisor asked AGAIN (again) about my defense. I am so tired of fighting for this boundary that I gave in and said she could give the signal to start planning it again. If I fail, I fail. I am so sad and emotional over it and have warned her what happens every time I think of it, so it'll be her fault if I blow it. I can't muster up enough resolve to fight anymore. 
  
  

MONEY THOUGHTS & MOVES

• With the high rent, gym membership, and new private health insurance, my spending is way above normal. That is just how it is right now.
   
• It is looking like I will lose my job starting in September this year, but my boss wants to keep me on my project. One option is to go freelance. I just thought of another option: I could ask my Kiwi colleague who owns her own business in my field to hire me as a staff member contingent on the project funding coming through. If she agreed, I would not have to deal with US and NZ self employment tax issues. Plus, as long as she charged less than 115% overheads on my salary like the Uni does, I would be better off financially than if hired by the Uni.
  
  
• My usual car service, Mevo, went into receivership and I had $1500 NZD worth of credit with them. I have disputed the charges as services not rendered with the US consumer financial protections office because I bought that credit on my US credit card in 2025. They are investigating, but I don't have a ton of hope that I'll get any of that money back.
  
  

 

MONTHLY CHALLENGES

• Previously my challenge was to get back on the healthy exercise and eating train, but I keep failing. Therefore I give UP. I can't do it right now. It is time I face it and just try to get through the days as best I can.

April 2026 Budget

I am earning a full salary now so things are extremely comfortable. I'm able to spend and save at levels like never before. 

Income: $8,921.43

Salary: $8,577.64

Lending Crowd repayments: $73.41

Zagga repayments: $10.38

Garage rent: $260 

Spending: $4,921.43 (55.2%)

Savings: $4,000 - $2,216.65 saved to Squirrel and earmarked towards my $25K Freelance Consultancy Start Up Fund. $783.35 transferred to my US bank account to pay credit card bills/automatic savings. $1K kept in my NZ bank account to be able to pay off my NZ credit card bills. 

Spending categories (budgeted amount in parentheses):

Rent: $2,240 - no flatmate

Groceries: $416.49 ($500)  

Electricity & Internet: $497.15 ($300) - 2 month's worth

Eating out: $184.07 ($250) - Breakfast with friends ($35.87); Pizza Hut ($58.04; Better Burger ($24.66); McD's ($28.80 + $16.10 + $2 + $18.60)

Charity: $260 ($50) - donation to grad school fund to help undergrads get field work experience, which is essential to people in my career 

Cell phone: $20 ($20) 

Medical: $472.85 ($100) -  supplements (Vit C, fiber, B12, L-thianine), medical insurance premium, blood pressure cuff, large pill organizer for supplements)

Misc: $600.87 ($1K)

alcohol: $0 

entertainment: $0 

self care: $113.16 -  1x massage; brow wax and tint, lash tint

fees: $109.99 - $10 fee for Cityhop membership, $59.99 sheet set for primary bedroom (flatmate room); $40 for chatgpt monthly fee

gifts: $47.97 - $2.04 for the bag to mail cousin some NZ gifts; $33.95 shipping costs; $4.99 mother's day card; $6.99 for cute bookmark magnets for mom

goods and wants: $206.48 - camp stove fuel in case of power outage during forecasted big storm ($10.99); $116.52 stuff from American store; $59 wireless earbuds; $19.96 moved to May income

transportation: $123.27 - flamingo scooters x 6 ($22.98); $7.80 for ferry from Devonport to Auckland CBD; $92.49 cityhop car for 1 day to do errands

travel: $0 

Savings and Funds Activity Update

• I transferred $2,216.65 NZD to Squirrel. That balance sits at about $60K, with $6,390 of that invested in various peer-to-peer loans at $100 each at 4.75% to 6.5% p.a.
  
  
• I have about $94K in Rabobank. 
  
  
• I still have two Zagga investments ($2K total).
   
• I am (still) waiting for Lending Crowd to start up again.

• I have now saved up for my last short-term goal of $25K to live off of after my job loss in September. I have no other short or medium term goals left to save up for. Any funds left over at the end of the month will now get transferred to USD to pay for my US credit cards and invested in US investments. 

   

Net Worth Tracking

NZ Savings (cash): $157,200 NZD. This includes investments in peer to peer loans.

Peer to peer lending: $8,993.92 (Zagga, Squirrel, open principal at Lending Crowd)

• LendingCrowd: $657.66 NZD - principal still owed, repaid with interest in weekly installments
• Zagga: ~$1945.77 NZD 
• Squirrel: $6,390.49 NZD

Kiwisaver: $134,317.74 NZD

US investments: $74,933.69 USD

Total Net Worth - NEW METHOD (April 2026): $320,224.23 NZD

I now only count long-term savings and investments in my Net Worth. This month's NW represents an increase of $25,483.83 NZD since last month, and an increase of $17,930.26 NZD since the beginning of the year. 

What is counted in my Net Worth now: 

• $60K NZD Former House Down Payment Fund (I will drip feed this into US investments)
• Kiwisaver (NZ retirement)
• Roth IRA
• Traditional IRA
• Berkshire Hathaway investment fund (non-dividend yield fund)
• Non-retirement investment account

March 2026: Monthly Round Up

Life Update

GRIEF

• This continues to be the centerpiece of my life. It is my immediate feeling when I wake up, as I go about my day, and as I drift off to sleep. It permeates everything.
  
  
• March was the fourth full month without my dad. The third month anniversary was a doozy, and so I was apprehensive about this 4th one. It hit me but not as badly. Something about the three month mark made it more intense, but the feelings of loss became deeper, quieter, and more...instilled inside of me at my core in the 4th. I've never been so grateful to not have a flatmate. I just keep breaking down in tears when I remember things like how he danced to make us laugh, and all the things he did for me and my mom and sister. How even at his worst, grumpiest, and in the most pain, he always kept trying. For us. We were so lucky to have him in our lives.
  
  
• I am on Week 7 of an online group grief counseling now. It is very different from my usual activities, but look forward to it every week. There is a lot of God talk, and I vacillate between being agnostic and an atheist, so that bit of it is not my bag, but the sense of community I feel - even through the screen since it is online - is the heart of the value that it brings. I am going to be sad when it ends at 13 weeks.
   

HEALTH & LIVING

• Still no flatmate. I'm not even going to look for one until after my PhD defense. Again, I say, what is money for if not a situation like this? 
  
  
• I have not been going to the gym. I'm just down in the dumps, never feel like going. It is the task switching aspect of it for me, plus wanting/needing to get certain bits of work done, plus the amount of time in my day it takes up. I wish I could get focused on my physical health again, but my grief just has taken over my life completely. 
  
  
• I used my Southern Cross health insurance for the first time, for a fee to see the nurse to get my second dose of Shingrix. 
  
  
• I did some research into supplements and am now on the fish oil, magnesium, multivitamin, vit B12, Vit D and K, and Biosil drops train. I need to add protein and fiber in there, and I think I'll be done. 
  
  
• I researched physios as I want to work on my posture and creaky joints and bones this year. I have a $300 physio allowance with my Southern Cross membership, and a full body assessment from my preferred place is $150. I can have two follow up $75 appointments later in the year as well.
   
• I have been feeling dizzy, so I didn't want to gym it very hard. I started going to Yoga Nidra once every few weeks, which is basically like guided mediation. I loved it. I also try to go to stretch class.

 

TRAVEL & FUN 

• Still none of that is happening, though I have a weekly 'date' with some friends to catch up and watch a tv show. It is stabilizing and nice. They are so kind. I also went with some friends to see Project Hail Mary, which was wonderful. The audio book is incredible. My other friend's cat died and she moved about an hour away, so it is hard to see her. Another friend is having serious family issues, so she has been busy with them. Yet another friend moved to the bottom of the island. I am running out of friends. :(

FAMILY

• My sister went into the hospital again this month. She is having a lot of issues adjusting to life without Dad, understandably.
  
  
• My aunt went to the hospital as well. We are all worried for her. She had a stroke and heart attack a few years ago and has been on a lot of medication. That medication apparently stopped working for a bit and she had to get new meds. 
  
  
• Things are hitting my Mom hard now I think. She is always distracted and not paying attention on our weekly phone calls. She gets absorbed by her candy crush saga-like games and is using that to distract herself from her pain. It is hard to watch and I am starting to feel like I have lost my Mom as well. 
  
  

PhD & WORK 

• It is going. Some of it is great fun and an awesome distraction, and some parts of it are fine to slightly annoying to have on my plate, but overall, it is the best thing I have going right now. 
  
  
• My supervisor asked AGAIN about my defense. I started crying immediately and said something vague about end of May, maybe. The defense is still my biggest emotional trigger so it will take me longer to feel ready for it. 
  
  

MONEY THOUGHTS & MOVES

• With the high rent, gym membership, and new private health insurance, my spending is way above normal. That is just how it is right now.
   
• It is looking like I will have to go freelance starting in September this year. Either that or I will have no house, no father...AND no job. However, I am written into next year's budget, so income is virtually guaranteed through June 2027. My head of school said he is looking into how I can be made a permanent staff member contingent on the external research funding instead - I would earn much less than I would as a freelance contractor, but I would not have to deal with complex US and NZ taxes and things like quarterly tax payments. On the plus side, if I have to go freelance, that means I can earn Social Security credits in the US, which I do not qualify for right now. 
  
  
• I sent off my US tax forms. Whew.
  
  
• My usual car service, Mevo, went into receivership! I do not know what that means, but I know it is bad. I still have $1500 worth of credit with them that will just...be worthless if they do not pull out of this slump. I have disputed the charges as services not rendered with the US consumer financial protections office because I bought that credit on my US credit card in 2025. This also means I do not have a reliable way to get around for all of the errands I do with a car!
  
  Not having a car nearby will save some money in the long run, if it continues, but when I do absolutely need a car, it will be much more expensive. Cityhop was my previous go-to, but they got rid of their evening 60% off rates and that prompted me to switch to Mevo in the first place. They are just not as affordable, nice of a car selection, or as convenient as Mevo. Hey, at least this will get me walking more places!
  
  
• Work owes me $4800 in reimbursements for research costs.
  
  
• I started thinking more seriously about retirement. Some rough basics and decisions:
  
  
• I am already at my goal of having $40K in basic annual income during retirement, assuming a conservative growth rate and a 4% withdrawal rate. I therefore *could* consider myself CoastFIRE right now and never contribute another dime to retirement (but I don't think I want to do that). 
   
• I will keep contributing the base Kiwisaver amount ($1,042.86, or $87/mo) that qualifies me for the annual government contribution ($260.72) each year. It isn't much but at least it is something...
  
  
• I need to move ~$32K NZD in my NZ savings to USD and invest it in my brokerage account. This will take me up to the NZ FIF threshold, if I'm understanding everything correctly. I do not want to surpass the $50K NZD in cost basis amount in US investments (outside of retirement accounts) because of the crazy tax rules in NZ.
  
  
• I need to live in NZ for 5 years after turning age 50 to qualify for NZ Super at age 65. Right now that would be worth $26K NZD per year, before tax. I should be able to receive NZ Super no matter where I live in the world.
  
  
• I could start partial retirement at 59.5 if I started pulling funds from my Traditional and Roth IRAs at that age. I would still need to work until at least 62.
   
• If I work as freelance for ~3-4 years between now and age 62, I will be paying into US SS tax and will qualify for US Social Security. This would help because I could move up my partial retirement timeline to 62 instead of 65. The US SS $$ will help "bridge the gap" between partial retirement and full retirement at 65.
  
  
• It does not help me at all to wait to take US SS in my case, because NZ Super decreases by the amount of my US SS income. All that waiting will do is change the % of income that comes from the US vs NZ. I will have the same income (the NZ Super amount) no matter what. [Obviously this discounts the idea that either of those funds will run out, which is a total possibility!] 
  
  
• I will therefore start taking US SS at 62. I will need to supplement my income, using a combo of part time work and/or pulling from savings and/or my Roth and Traditional IRAs until I hit 65, when a bunch of things happen:
• NZ Super starts 
• I can start pulling from my Kiwisaver

 

MONTHLY CHALLENGES

• Previously my challenge was to get back on the healthy exercise and eating train, but I keep failing. NZ fall is always a hard transition for me, it suddenly being so dark, cold, and rainy all of a sudden, so I need to go easier on myself I think. In April, I want to commit to:
  
  
• making small changes in my eating habits: meal planning, cooking healthy meals, and cutting down on junk food/unhealthy snacks. Mostly, I want to not buy junk food at the grocery store. If I don't buy it, I can't eat it...

• going to Yoga Nidra and Stretch classes once every other week, at a minimum. Well, starting this Friday. I already missed last Friday and Monday because the gym was closed for Easter. But hopefully I should make it a few other times...

March 2026 Budget

I am earning a full salary now so things are extremely comfortable. I'm able to spend and save at levels like never before. In March, rent and medical spending was very very high.

Income: $6,113.55

Salary: $5,764.82

Lending Crowd repayments: $83.51

Zagga repayments: $5.22

Garage rent: $260 

Spending: $5,063.48 (83%)

Savings: $1,050.07 - saved to Squirrel and earmarked towards my $25K Freelance Consultancy Start Up Fund

Spending categories (budgeted amount in parentheses):

Rent: $2,240 - no flatmate

Groceries: $442.57 ($500)  

Electricity & Internet: $82.43 ($300) 

Eating out: $271.06 ($250) - $95 for friend's birthday dinner (Safran), includes drinks and part of her meal; Zambrero burritos ($80); $8 for popcorn and $7 for skittles to eat during Project Hail Mary movie; $20 for Tanpopo with friends before movie; $63 for pizza for me and my friend from Sal's

Charity: $30 ($50) 

Cell phone: $17 ($20) 

Medical: $1,005.02 ($100) - $390 for dose #2 of Shingrix (I think it is worth it!); $450 for southern cross health insurance premium for 2x months; $170 for supplements

Misc: $795.40 ($1K)

alcohol: $0 

entertainment: $120.56 - 3x tix to a comedy show ($85); $18 for an album on bandcamp; $18 for IMAX project hail mary tix (student discount + gift card balance); 

self care: $133.27 - 2x massages 

fees: $0 

gifts: $151 - flowers for mom's birthday last month

goods and wants: $240.42 - 12 stamps ($56); $9.50 for glass jar and frame from daiso; $11 ceramic stovetop cleaner; $112 for NZ sized envelopes (US ones are different???), wireless ear buds, and lotion from the warehouse; $2.50 for a rubber brush from kmart; $49 for novelty tshirt. 

transportation: $150.15 - 11 trips on escooters around town, including a few very long rides because mevo wasn't available, and a friend's ride because she wanted to try it out. 1 Mevo car trip for $40.

travel: $0 - Although I bought $3K NZD worth of flights to the US later this year. The $3K was taken from my $5K 2026 US trip fund, which was sitting in savings. The money didn't come from my monthly income so I'm not sure how to count it here.

Savings and Funds Activity Update

• I transferred $1K NZD to Squirrel. That balance sits at about $55K, with $5600 of that invested in various peer-to-peer loans at $100 each at 4.75% to 6.5% p.a.
  
  
• I have about $94K in Rabobank. 
  
  
• I made one $1K Zagga investment this month, bringing the total investments to two at $2000 total. I receive about $5.22 per month from my first investment.
   
• I am (still) waiting for Lending Crowd to start up again.

• Standard text: I've met all of my short and medium term savings goals, and then some. In lieu of goals, I have decided to save up for the eventuality that I will have no home and no job this September. This slush fund will also serve as a start up fund in case I go freelance as well. I am calling it my "Freelance Consultancy Start Up Fund" for now. I aim to save up $25K to cover the minimum costs to survive one year. Any funds left over at the end of the month will get split between my US investments and this fund. Any interest I earn from my savings will also go towards this fund. I have < $600 more to save.

   

Net Worth Tracking

NZ Savings (cash): $156,642.11 NZD. This includes investments in peer to peer loans.

Peer to peer lending: $8,304.32 (Zagga, Squirrel, open principal at Lending Crowd)

• LendingCrowd: $726.17 NZD - principal still owed, repaid with interest in weekly installments
• Zagga: ~$1946 NZD 
• Squirrel: $5,632.38 NZD

Kiwisaver: $121,516.64 NZD

US investments: $67,798.66 USD

Total Net Worth - NEW METHOD (MARCH 2026): $294,740.40 NZD

I now only count long-term savings and investments in my Net Worth. This month's NW represents a decrease of $17,432.44 NZD since last month, and a decrease of $7,553.57 NZD since the beginning of the year. 

What is counted in my Net Worth now: 

$60K NZD Former House Down Payment Fund (I will drip feed this into US investments), Kiwisaver (NZ retirement), Roth IRA, Traditional IRA, Berkshire Hathaway investment fund (non-dividend yield fund), non-retirement investment account.

February 2026: Budgets & Break Downs

Life Update

GRIEF

• Let's start with the biggest issue and the thing consuming most of my life right now: grief. 
  
  
• February was the third full month without my dad. I have never ever ever in my life gone that long without talking to him. It is still so unimaginable. The reality and permanence is only just now starting to hit. I completely broke down on the 3 month anniversary of the phone call that he had hours to live. I've been a huge mess for DAYS. 
  
  A saving grace: I was able to salvage a recording of the last video call I ever had with him. It was nine days before he passed away. He went into the hospital 4 days later and didn't come out alive. I do not normally video call him or my family for our weekly calls and I have no idea what possessed me to record it, but I did. When I checked the video afterward, it was all green lines, no images of my dad. I thought it was lost forever and I was so angry at myself for not recording it properly. I asked chatgpt what I could do to see if I could fix it, and it guided me through the steps to see if there were any images at all in it. Turns out, there were - the whole last 10 minutes of our 40 minute phone call were salvageable on video (I have the full audio too). So I have the last ten minutes that we ever spoke to each other on video and audio. Along with a voicemail recording from my grandmother, a ring heirloom from my other grandmother, a 'worry stone' (smooth shell) that my dad gave me as a teenager on a beach vacation, and my written journals, it is the most precious thing I own. I sent it to my mom and sister for my mom's birthday so they could enjoy it as well.
  
  
• I started going to an online group grief counseling on the last day of the month. It was only the first session but is already very helpful and comforting. I was so, so nervous to join. It was only $25 USD and meets weekly for 3 months. So far, it is already well worth the $25. I am looking forward to next week already.
  

HEALTH & LIVING

• Still no flatmate. I'm spending so much money on rent now! But I break down doing dishes sometimes. I still need so much space and alone time to process and just...breathe and cry and wail. I do not want to feel like I have to mute my grief. So right now I think it is worth it. What is money for if not a situation like this? I'm so grateful my circumstances allow me to front the full rent without dipping into savings at all.
  
  
• My fieldwork is done so I signed up for the gym again. I have my first class on Monday. It is time to start building strength again.
  
  
• At my Dr's appt. in November, I asked the doc about issues with my thumb/hands, feeling dizzy when I stand up after sitting for a while, and perimenopause. She just looked at me like I was a hypochondriac. She said she should refer me to get scans but won't if I don't have private health insurance. I decided to buy it for a year with low excess just in case, get all of the scans and such that year, then increase the excess next year, or downgrade the policy, or cancel it depending on finances, travel plans, and how my health is.
  
  I did oodles of research and decided on Southern Cross's Well Being Two plan w/ day to day module. It is $238/mo w/ discounts from my employer. I'll use it enough to cover the cost of the day to day add on module plan (about $25/mo), but the Well being two plan will only be cost-beneficial if I have to get surgery and/or tons of scans/imaging. We'll see I guess.
  

 

TRAVEL & FUN 

• Still none of that is happening. 
  
  

FAMILY

• My sister went into the hospital again. I think that is the third time this year already?
  
  
• Mom had her first birthday w/o Dad in over 50 years. I think things are finally starting to hit home. I wish I could be there.
  
  

PhD & WORK 

• I am starting to catch up on some of my ongoing work and deadlines. 
  
  
• Supervisors and the University have started to pressure me to re-choose a PhD defense date. I am nowhere near emotionally ready. I'm tempted to float end May/June and see what they say. The defense is my biggest emotional trigger so it will take me longer to feel ready for it. 
  
  

MONEY THOUGHTS & MOVES

• With the high rent, gym membership, and new private health insurance, my spending is way above normal. 
   
• It is looking like I will have to go freelance starting in September this year. Either that or I will have no house, no father...AND no job.
   
• I finally rebalanced my entire NZ-US portfolio so that I'm more diversified and at the risk level I'd like to be at. I can't lie, I paid for chatgpt for 1 month and had it run some analyses, then checked the results against some advice I found online. I have started transferring NZD to my US bank account. I kept waiting until the exchange rate was favorable, but I don't think that's happening anytime soon, so might as well just bite the bullet. That money I transferred will be invested in my non-retirement brokerage account. 
  
  
• I also inspected my Kiwisaver in light of concerns about US tax issues. Depending on who you ask, the Kiwisaver could be considered a retirement account and not subject to trust and PFIC rules but also could be subject to those things. To be on the safe side, I moved everything into two broad funds (within the diversification process) that would result in minimal paperwork if PFIC rules apply. Whew. I'm seeing a tax accountant at some point this year that was recommended by my friend, another US person that went freelance. 
  
  
• I finished doing my US taxes. I just need to print and send them off (the electronic ones never work for me).

 

MONTHLY CHALLENGES

• This month my challenge was to get back on the healthy exercise and eating train, and I will continue those efforts next month. I weigh myself regularly and am actively tracking my hunger levels and foods I eat. The scale isn't budging but I think it is good to just be aware of my habits. 

February 2026 Budget

I am earning a full salary now so things are extremely comfortable. I'm able to spend and save at levels like never before.

Income: $6,124.65

Salary: $5,735.40

Lending Crowd repayments: $124.03

Zagga repayments: $5.22

Garage rent: $260 

Spending: $3,979.03 (65%)

Savings: $2,145.62 ($1,674.43 converted to $1K USD and invested; $471.19 NZD moved to Squirrel towards my $25K Freelance Start Up Consultancy Fund (designed to cover my minimum costs for 1 year)

Spending categories (budgeted amount in parentheses):

Rent: $2,240 - no flatmate

Groceries: $491.59 ($500)  

Electricity & Internet: $192.24 ($300) 

Eating out: $186.81 ($250) -  Garden Shed dinner, drinks, and dessert w/ friend; 2x McDonalds; 2 big burritos from Zambrero; 3 Moustache cookies to share with 5 friends; (also ate at Town Mouse with friend but I consider that a gift since I paid for her meal - she was having a really rough day)

Charity: $30 ($50) 

Cell phone: $17 ($20) 

Medical: $50.49 ($100) - group grief counseling; iron tablets

Misc: $590.90 ($1K)

alcohol: $0 - I did have one strawberry margarita at Garden Shed (but I categorized it w/ Eating out because I don't remember how much it was!) and I had two ciders one night but friends bought them for me

entertainment: $80.09 - $50.09 for two libro.fm audiobook credits (I really wanted to listen to Jay Manuel's Next Top Model "fiction" book after watching the doco); paid $30 for a book written by an old timer in my field that I found myself emailing with randomly! He sounded so enthralled someone wanted to talk to him about his experiences in the field, but his stories are so fascinating. I can't wait to read his book.

self care: $177.97 - 2 massages; 1 pilates class. My regular masseuse awkwardly hugged me after she asked me why I'd been away and I told her the truth. 

fees: $78.75 - $10 and $28.75 for annual membership dues for two local clubs; $40 for chatgpt for a month - it is helpful for things like parsing through long documents, working through options for things like NZ health insurance, editing or drafting difficult emails, and managing my daily ADHD schedule and juggling all the pill timings with/without food!

gifts: $40.70 - treated friend to Town Mouse lunch.

goods and wants: $124.97 - $26.99 for a hip pack for fieldwork from Mountain Warehouse; $44 for period underwear from Kmart; $7 for a spray bottle and travel containers from Daiso; $19.99 for some fluffy slippers; $26.99 for shoe repair kit (the sole of my hiking boots started to delaminate during my fieldwork!!)

transportation: $88.42 - 11 trips on escooters around town, mainly to get groceries. 1 Mevo car trip for $34.78.

travel: $0

Savings and Funds Activity Update

• I transferred $1K's worth of USD to my US bank account this month, bringing the total to invest up to the $3K minimum needed for entry to a new Admiral fund in my brokerage account. 
  
  
• I have about $104K in Rabobank. I really need to transfer some funds elsewhere because $100K is the limit that is insured by the NZ government. The funds are split between a notice saver, a premium saver, and a regular old raboplus account. There is apparently a trick I can use to move funds from my premium saver account which requires the balance of the account to be $50 more than at the start of the month in order to qualify for a higher interest rate. 
  
  
• I have ~$51K in an on-call account earning 2% p.a. in Squirrel, with $4300 of that money invested in various peer-to-peer loans at $100 each at 6 to 6.5% p.a. 
  
  
• I made no Zagga investments this month (again). With the housing market being so soft, I just don't...trust it? It is also $1K a pop in investments, and I'm not comfortable putting that many eggs in one basket. I have ONE loan out and I'm seeing how it all works. I receive about $5.22 per month from that investment.
   
• I am waiting for Lending Crowd to start up again.

• I've met all of my short and medium term savings goals, and then some. In lieu of goals, I have decided to save up for the eventuality that I will have no home and no job this September. This slush fund will also serve as a start up fund in case I go freelance as well. I am calling it my "Freelance Consultancy Start Up Fund" for now. I aim to save up $25K to cover the minimum costs to survive one year. Any funds left over at the end of the month will get split between my US investments and this fund. Any interest I earn from my savings will also go towards this fund. I have about $5K more to save.

   

Net Worth Tracking

NZ Savings (cash): $156,599.62 NZD. This includes invested in peer to peer loans.

Peer to peer lending: $6,111.66 (Zagga, Squirrel, open principal at Lending Crowd)

• LendingCrowd: $824.52 NZD - principal still owed, repaid with interest in weekly installments
• Zagga: ~$946 NZD 
• Squirrel: $4,341.37 NZD

Kiwisaver: $129,796.31 NZD

US investments: $73,279.36 USD

Total Net Worth - NEW METHOD (FEBRUARY 2026): $312,172.84 NZD

I now only count long-term savings and investments in my Net Worth. This month's NW represents an increase of $4,962.14 NZD since last month, and an increase of $9,878.87 NZD since the beginning of the year. 

What is counted in my Net Worth now: 

$60K NZD Former House Down Payment Fund (I will drip feed this into US investments), Kiwisaver (NZ retirement), Roth IRA, Traditional IRA, Berkshire Hathaway investment fund (non-dividend yield fund), non-retirement investment account.

January 2026 Report: Sad Girl Summer

Life Update

PhD & WORK 

• I am well behind on all of my ongoing work and deadlines. But I can't bring myself to care. 
  
  

HEALTH & LIVING

• I need to get a flatmate. I decided that I wouldn't even look for one until after my defense, whenever I feel ready for that. I need time. I need space.
  
  
• I am waiting until my fieldwork is over in Feb to sign up for the gym again.
  
  
• My well person check in November revealed I have very low iron (ferritin) and I was put on oral iron tablets. I need to get my iron checked again now, as well as my cholesterol, which apparently has spiked out of nowhere. 
  
  
• At my Nov appt., I asked about issues with my thumb/hands, feeling dizzy when I stand up after sitting for a while, and perimenopause. The doctor just looked at me like I was a hypochondriac. She said she should refer me to get scans but won't if I don't have health insurance. I decided to buy it for a year, and during that year, get all of the scans and such. I won't be able to afford it for more than a year, though. Unless my job changes...
  
  

TRAVEL, FAMILY, & FUN 

• Yeah, none of that is happening. My sister has gone into the hospital twice since I left the US in mid-Jan.
  
  
• This is the second full month without my Dad. Life is incomprehensible without him. I cannot believe that I will have to go the REST of my life not hearing his voice or getting to tell him all about my highs and lows, or getting his advice.
  
  

MONEY THOUGHTS

• I met my $1K spend for my new AAdvantage cc. I'll get 80K AA miles. This will replenish my miles that I used to take my 2nd ever first class flight from the US to NZ (that was a great experience, and I desperately needed the pampering after my dad's passing).
  
  
• I revamped how I calculate my Net Worth, to try to encourage me to stop hoarding liquid cash that just sits in my (high yield) savings accounts losing value to inflation. I need to take that cash and spend it on what it is intended for or invest it. I'll keep an emergency fund, of course, but the rest can and should be spent within a year or two or moved to a place where it'll have a chance to grow.

 

MONTHLY CHALLENGES

• Now that I'm back in NZ, I need to get back on the Healthy Food and Exercise train. I have been weighing myself every day and record it in a Health Tracker form I created on Google forms. The form also tracks my mood, food intake, day of my period, exercise, number of steps, any supplements, etc. Eventually I will break down the numbers and figure out what it all means.

January 2026 Budget

I am earning a full salary now so things are very comfortable. I returned from the US to NZ in the middle of the month.

Income: $6,123.69

Salary: $5,667.04

Lending Crowd repayments: $126.43

Zagga repayments: $5.22

Garage rent: $325 (5 Mondays)

Spending: $3,623.69 (59.2%)

Savings: $2,500

Spending categories (budgeted amount in parentheses):

Rent: $2,119 (no flatmate)

Groceries: $449.46 ($500)  

Electricity & Internet: $160.15 ($150) 

Charity: $0 ($50) 

Cell phone: $20 ($20) 

Medical: $30 ($100) - to renew a prescription

Eating out: $82.40 ($250) - breakfast sandwich at the airport; $15.10 mcdonalds; $34.10 french toast at a Hamilton cafe; $20.40 for a delicious smoothie (Maui Eatery) and some food; 

Misc: $762.68 ($959)

alcohol: $0  

entertainment: $44.06 - 2 x libro.fm audiobooks: I bought The Circle and The Every by Dave Eggers as I really wanted to listen to them and my library didn't have them - that was $26.06; $18 for entry to Hamilton Gardens

self care: $218 - spa pedicure @ $55; brow wax and tint and lash tint @ $67; haircut and luxurious smelling, good quality korean shampoo: $96; 

fees: $203 - $40 for chatgpt for a month - to help me parse some dense tax legalese, work through the options for NZ health insurance, help me edit several difficult emails, and manage my daily ADHD schedule; $163 for 5 TB Google One storage

gifts: $30 - thank you flowers and gifts for friends that looked after my flat while I was away in the US for ~6 weeks. 

goods and wants: $144.13 - $26.39 for a sleeping bag liner for an upcoming camping trip; $70 for a camping pad pillow; $47.75 to ship two rare books from the estate of a prominent scientist in my field in Australia to NZ 

transportation: $113.09 - $2.39 for an escooter; $57.70 for mevo car; $53 for mevo car;  

travel: $10.40 - supershuttle extra bag cost

Savings and Funds Activity Update

• I transferred $5K to my US bank account this month. Some of that money will go towards my US credit cards, and about $2K will be used to buy US investments - once I have $3K to buy Admiral funds.
  
  
• I have about $104K in Rabobank. I really need to transfer some funds elsewhere because $100K is the limit that is insured by the NZ government. The funds are split between a notice saver, a premium saver, and a regular old raboplus account. There is apparently a trick I can use to move funds from my premium saver account which requires the balance of the account to be $50 more than at the start of the month in order to qualify for a higher interest rate. 
  
  
• I have $50K+ in an on-call account earning 2% p.a. in Squirrel, with $3700 of that money invested in various peer-to-peer loans at $100 each at 6 to 6.5% p.a. About $3.3K of the money in the on-call account is waiting to be invested in personal loans at 7% p.a. when they become available (the wait times for those is about a year!). 
  
  
• I made no Zagga investments this month (again). With the housing market being so soft, I just don't...trust it? It is also $1K a pop in investments, and I'm not comfortable putting that many eggs in one basket. I have ONE loan out and I'm seeing how it all works.
   
• I am waiting for Lending Crowd to start up again.

• I've met all of my short and medium term savings goals, and then some. In lieu of goals, I have decided to save up for the eventuality that I will have no home and no job this September. This slush fund will also serve as a a start up fund in case I go freelance as well. I am calling it my "Freelance Consultancy Start Up Fund."

   

Net Worth Tracking

NZ Savings (cash): $150,027.50 NZD. This does not include funds invested in peer to peer loans.

Peer to peer lending: $5,874.55 (Zagga, Squirrel, open principal at Lending Crowd)

• LendingCrowd: $1,090.48 NZD - principal still owed, repaid with interest in weekly installments
• Zagga: ~$1K NZD 
• Squirrel: $3,799.73 NZD

Kiwisaver: $128,307.00 NZD

US investments: $67,051.16 USD

Total Net Worth - NEW METHOD (January 2026): $309,332.25 NZD

Starting from scratch a bit here. I now only count long-term savings and investments in this number, so it has gone down since last month. This is a decrease of $81,264.31 NZD since last month, and an increase of $N/A since the beginning of the year. 

What is counted in my Net Worth now: 

$60K NZD Former House Down Payment Fund (I will drip feed this into US investments)

$129,111.19 NZD Kiwisaver (NZ retirement)

$16,918.22 USD Roth IRA

$34,440.32 USD Traditional IRA

$1,191.24 USD Berkshire Hathaway investment fund (non-dividend yield fund) 

$16,168.49 USD non-retirement investment account (+ $2K held in US bank account. Once this hits $3K USD, I will buy VTSAX, which has a minimum of $3K USD for Admiral (low fee) shares). 

Unless I create new short- or medium-term goals, in which case I will save up for them of course, ALL 'extra' money leftover at the end of the month will get converted to USD and invested in VTSAX in my non-retirement brokerage account.  

This ONE Mind Trick Will CHANGE EVERYTHING (or, a major shake up to how I view my finances)

[This was written in October, before my dad passed]

Don't you just love the clickbaity articles and youtube video titles?! (Not.) I have to say that they kinda work on me sometimes, though!

While in the last few tumultuous years of my PhD, I dreamed of what came after, and purposefully saved a ton of money for those goals. I was stuck inside working / trying to get myself to work, skipping fun times with friends, not going on fun trips, and generally denying myself a lot of what I knew was healthy (no exercise, no stretching, no social life, lots of quick easy meals that were not necessarily nutritious, overeating to avoid work, tons of anxiety). At the very least, I thought, I could save money so Future Me could enjoy her life post-PhD. 

That time has come. It is almost post-PhD!  

I recently have realized that I have started to have a problem: I never want to spend my money. Even on things I know I want to do/buy. Even when I specifically saved up for that thing/experience. This is a problem how, you may ask? 

Well, this has effed up my monthly budgets majorly. Over my US trip this past fall, I didn't move my "2025 US Trip" Fund $$ over to my bank account as I usually do. Since my income is higher, I thought I'd just *absorb* the cost of the trip within my monthly budgets. Easy, right? 

NO.

I have a shameful secret (that I actually have talked about before, so is not really a secret): when I'm on vacation, I don't really restrict my spending. I do track it when I need to meet a minimum spend on a credit card, as happened during my trip this year, but I don't pay attention to the amount beyond that. If I know I need/want something that I cannot get in NZ and have been thinking about for months, I will just buy it. No dilly dallying about sales or whether I can get it cheaper elsewhere - I just buy it. Far too often I've dilly dallied and then totally regretted not buying the thing once I'm back in NZ. I've learned my lesson about this too many times. 

Anyway, my monthly budgets for August, Sept, and October are now all wonky, because I didn't track my spending and also assumed I'd just absorb the spending within my budgets. If I expected to include that spending within my monthly budgets, I needed to track it!!! It's like the most obvious thing ever!

One may say, well, then, you've solved the issue - just track things properly next time! But no, this misses the point, and doesn't actually solve the REAL problem underlying my decision-making.

I started thinking - I can afford to buy the stuff I bought, and then some, so why is this such a big deal which "pot" of money that the vacation spending comes out of? My internal spending gauge kicks in easily after decades of practice now, and I completely trust myself to spend wisely. So my spending ALSO isn't the issue.

I realized then what the root of it all is: I am subconsciously avoiding moving the money from savings to checking because I do not want my Net Worth to go down. I want it to keep going up up UP (it's our moment - thank all the gods for the gem that is KPop Demon Hunters!). 

But that mindset means that I will just hoard my money forever. If my NW can never go down by me voluntarily spending money, where TF does that leave me?! Never having fun, not going on trips, never again buying things that I have carefully thought about and want, not ever spending more than I can make in one month...THAT'S where. The discretionary spending from my monthly income essentially puts a firm cap on the amount I can spend on big ticket items and experiences. And that is NOT what I want my life to be like.

To fix this, I think I need to do a difficult thing. I think I need to remove my savings that are in short and medium term funds from my Net Worth. This will make it go down down down. It's a takedown, if you will. Yes, this will be PAINFUL. I feel like I've scratched and bit my way to try to break the $300K NZD and then the $350K mark over the last few years, and am ABOUT to hit the $400K mark... But I think it is necessary if I'm going to be able to enjoy my life the way I want to.

Here is my funds list, with those that will be affected marked with an asterisk: 

Completed Short-Term (~1 yr) Funds:

$5K 2025 Christmas? US Trip Fund* - we just found out that my dad probably has lung cancer and this might be his last Christmas with us. Plus, my defense is on December 12 - we will have something to celebrate at least! I have bought flights home after my defense, for Dec 15, to surprise my parents and sister :)

$5K 2026 US Trip Fund*

$650 Premium Gym Membership Fund*

$4K Furniture Fund*

$5.2K Rent + Bond Fund*

$1K New Smartphone Fund*

$2K New Laptop Fund*

Completed Medium-Term (1-5 yrs) Funds:

$10K EF*

$5K 2025 Post-PhD Hand-In Pre-Defense Travel*

$13K Post-PhD Graduation Travel Fund*

$10K Post-Defense Life Set Up Fund*

$5K Post-PhD Hobby Fund*

$10K Medical Fund*

$5K Tax Advisor Hire Fund*

$4582 Freelance Consultancy Start Up Fund*

Completed Long-Term (5+ yrs) Funds:

$60K Former House Down Payment Fund

 

*This money was saved up to be SPENT later. NOT saved. It has a near-future purpose. Therefore, it shouldn't be counted in my Net Worth. Those funds are to be used for investment in myself, my health, my quality of life, my peace of mind, to save me during emergencies, etc., over the next 5 years.  

The problem is that you could consider EVERY fund/savings expendable in the very long term. 

Retirement funds are meant to be spent during retirement, after all. House down payment funds are meant to be spent on ...a house down payment. Etc. Ad nauseum. So what does it matter? That is a tricky question, but short- and medium-term vs long-term is where I've decided to draw my line. Any savings that are meant to be spent in the next 5 years does not go into my Net Worth, full stop. Any money saved up to be spent after that horizon, is counted. At least for now.

The only fund that I do not think should get caught up in this round up is my $60K House Down Payment Fund. I had pipe dreams of buying in NZ but have since realized that is never going to happen on my salary. Maybe if I get a decent inheritance (hopefully far down the road), but I do not want to count on that. That money really belongs in investments rather than liquid savings. I'm waiting on financial advice, the US-NZ currency exchange to get better, and to explore some tax efficient investment options here in NZ before I can do that. 

The rest - about $85,500(!) - needs to be taken out of the calculations for my Net Worth. This drops my Net Worth down to just above $300K (dependent on the stock market and the US-NZ currency exchange). OUCH. This is brutal, but I think this is a very necessary step to:

1. Prevent me from becoming a stingy miser who never spends money even on things she wants and probably needs, 

2. Encourage myself to think more carefully about what I am saving up for. Do I really want it? Is it a short- or medium-term goal, or a long-term goal? Where does that money belong in the grand scheme of things? and 

3. Have a realistic picture of my *actual* Net Worth.

This will be a painful change, so I'm waiting until the new year to make it. Starting January 2026, I'll shift how I calculate my Net Worth and make new goals accordingly.  

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