Should I Bring a Gift to an Overseas/Destination Wedding?

Sticky situation, related to my last post: I'm going to two weddings overseas. The invitations do not indicate a gift registry. No word from the brides (my friends) about whether they expect gifts. Do I bring something anyway?? What?

My instinct is not to because I'm already forking out thousands of dollars to be there. But I will feel a bit weird showing up empty handed. I've thought about gifting them $50 NZD each, as that is about all I can afford, but this is considered rude in the cultures I'll be in. The couples will either be moving overseas almost immediately after the wedding, or returning to New Zealand where they live, so I don't want to get them something that they'll have to ship or carry in their luggage.

 What would you do? A nice card? A promise to take them out to dinner the next time I see them? I am befuddled!

Off to South America!

It's finally here! I'm off to South America for a multi-country jaunt to attend a few friends' weddings. I'm sneaking in a lot of sightseeing along the way.

Of my $4K NZD budget for South America, I've already spent about $1700 NZD on flights, accommodation, car rentals, and other stuff I need for my trip.

Flights: ~$300 USD (used airmiles for all but one flight)
Accommodation: ~$450 USD (my share; total cost was split 2 ways)
Car Rental: ~$250 USD (my share; total cost split 2 ways)
Trip/Emergency/Medical Insurance: $30 USD
Incidentals (extra SD card, external power bank, batteries, travel duffel, hand sanitizer, various meds, RFID blocker): $220 NZD

I'm pulling $1K NZD out of my savings in cash to have over there, as a lot of places do not take credit cards, and ATMs are virtually non existent in many of the places I'm going. That gives me $50 per day to play with for food, tours, metro, transport, petrol, souvenirs--I should be fine as long as I don't get mugged/robbed...crossed fingers. The remaining $1300 NZD I have set aside for the trip will either be pulled out in cash as I need it when I find an ATM or used to pay for credit card bills when I get back.

Miraculously I've fit 3+ weeks' worth of stuff for beach (30 C), rainforest and mountain hiking, high desert (-5 C), and city life, along with 2 weddings, in a carry on. It is chocka but I even have a small foldable duffel bag for souvenirs in there for the way back. ;) I have thought of everything--I have 40 pages of research, itinerary, emergency information, credit card benefit policies, etc.

Anyway, I think I'm set, and that feeling means I have nearly exhausted every avenue of worry my little brain can come up with. As a consequence of my anxiety, I tend to go crazy travel planning, investigating every contingency and making a plan to deal with it or avoid it. Luckily, once I've done that, I can 100% relax and adopt que sera, sera as my mantra--I know I cannot control everything, and all that matters is that we have a good time and immerse ourselves in a new culture. As of right now, I am almost ready to relinquish control to the travel gods and deal with problems when they arise. I'll be there when I get on the plane, I'm sure.

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!

Pictures upon my return. Adios, amigos!

A Personal Rant about Sexual Harassment in Academia

This NYT article really hit home. There is more than one huge elephant in the academia room, but one in particular has caught my ire as of late. Sexual harassment is rife everywhere, but the article focuses on the topic as found in the fields that particularly lack women: STEM.

I happen to be in one of those STEM fields.

I happen to have seen, first-hand, how gross it can get.

Some of the comments on the article are awful, and very much the reaction we get when we complain: What's the big deal? Can't a guy express his interest in a girl anymore? Why doesn't she just say no and be done with it? These questions highlight how little these commenters know about how it feels to be on the receiving end of unwanted attention in the workplace, and the consequences for rejecting that attention. In fact, those questions and statements are SO ignorant that they actually make the commenters disqualified from having an opinion on the subject at all. It is clear: they just don't get it. It is written all over their face and words.

I've always been lucky that my early educational experience was so easy in this regard. I was in the top STEM classes in high school, and didn't see a huge difference in the number of girls vs boys in the classroom. I probably had more female STEM teachers than men, and they all were incredibly supportive of my interest in STEM. My family always taught me that girls can do anything boys can, and my dad and grandma taught me to throw, shoot, catch, fish, hunt, boat, fix stuff, identify tools, and climb trees like all kids should, regardless of their gender.

In college, men definitely dominated in the classroom teaching roles, but, other than computer science and engineering, my classes were composed of equal parts men and women. And I never felt like my difficulties in certain areas or subject matter was a result of me being female. TAs nor professors ever treated me any differently, that I could tell.

In grad school, I (again) had more male professors than female, but the women in my program (PhD and Master's) outnumbered the men easily. My professors were 100% wonderful and never ever EVER made me feel uncomfortable or called attention to the fact that I was female. This was despite the fact that we all hung out outside of the classroom constantly, with a LOT of drinking involved. The professors came to our birthday parties and house parties, and invited us to theirs without incident. We spent weeks to months in the field alone with professors in some cases. And I, nor any of my friends that I know of, never felt different from the guys doing the same work. There was a strong camaraderie between the student group, and likewise between the students and faculty. We were all on the same team, and it felt like it. I never heard of students sleeping with their professors. This was even though there was plenty of fraternizing amongst the grad students (I myself had a BF who was a PhD while I was a Master's student--in the US the system is much more equal between the two degrees), and there was one(!) instance where a PhD student had a relationship with a post-doc, but he wasn't on her supervisory team, and was in a slightly different field. The upset with that came when she seemed to get papers written quicker than some people thought she should have, given her apparent knowledge and skill level. I don't really consider this the same thing as what the article is talking about. At the time, I wasn't even aware that I should be aware of this kind of thing.

Given my resultant luxury of obliviousness and lack of experience, the fact that major sexual harassment is rife in my current workplace and program snuck up on me. I never attributed certain behaviours to the culture of acceptance around harassing women--I just thought certain people were bad eggs, and avoided them. Also, I have a very strong female mentor in my boss, and she has always supported me. This support has allowed me to continue to blissfully ignore some of the more minor (but telling) incidences.

But things are getting out of controlnow. There are rumours or specific known incidences (see below for a few anecdotes...many) about every single male in the most senior professor positions in my work place. They ALL have a reputation for sexual harassment, sleeping with their students, and/or stealing data from and treating their female students very differently than their male students. Shenanigans!!! Of course, aside from that, there are the more subtle looks/flirtiness/etc. that you feel but cannot describe well with words other than 'Ew. That felt wrong.' This happens too much, as do things like the following anecdotes:

1. The head of my school has a widely known mistress within the same department. He doesn't make a secret out of it. Regardless of his marital situation, what message does this send to his female students? This is actually the most benign example I have for you, as it only involves a faculty power differential, rather than student-faculty.
2. My (female) intern found a drawing of a penis on my whiteboard on my door one day. It happened to be the day after I had gotten a significant media article published on my project. It was a professor that did the drawing--he is known to do these things and one of the other students saw him messing about around my door that morning. I assume it was because his work had gotten ignored in the article (he only contributed a tiny portion to the research), a fact that was 100% out of my control. I confronted him about this once I heard it was him, to ask if he was upset about something and felt he needed to do that, and he denied doing it and said I was being silly for asking, he didn't care about that stupid article! I still feel so awful that my intern had to find it. What does this say to her? Accomplish something great, and you will be punished and put in your place, unless a man is standing beside you to take some of the credit.
3. That same professor only takes female students. He makes snarky comments about their appearance constantly, puts them down, and openly admits he chooses female students because they are easier to control. One of his students told me that she knows she has to put on a skirt in order to get him to say yes to any request she has. He constantly favours the cute, blonde females in his classes, giving them answers and hints about the exams. Lore has it he once took a picture up one of his students' skirts when alone with her. On top of that, he regularly steals his students' data and publishes it himself. I could go on and on. His students (and female faculty colleagues!) have complained about him but still the administration does nothing. He got a warning once to be on better behaviour, but has a new female student starting soon. I have no use for him and avoid him like the plague, EVEN THOUGH he is very knowledgeable in my field and it would be wonderful to have his feedback on my work. Nope. NEVER.
4. The head of my department famously got seriously reprimanded for sleeping with his female student and impregnating her at another university--basically banned from having students ever again, which pretty much scuppers his career. He looked for jobs elsewhere and was immediately rewarded with a promotion and head research position in my University. No problemo. He is absolutely a big dog in the field and highly respected, brings in a lot of money and publishes a lot. It is clear what hiring teams prioritise. But again, WHAT DOES THIS SAY TO THE FEMALES HE TEACHES AND SUPERVISES? We do not matter.
5.  Another professor once told his grad student to get close to me and get the dirt on me because I am 'an enigma.' The request and interest was clearly sexual in nature, according to the student (who told me about it a long time afterwards). He had just told her all about how he left his wife and had marital problems, slept with his student, and only went back to her because he missed his kids.
6. At a large research meeting that I single-handedly organised, chaired, and presented at, I was pointedly allowed to overhear that this same prof found it easier to pay attention to me during the meeting because I was a "pretty girl in a dress." I didn't realise what was happening as it was happening (I was running around like a headless chicken), but later it dawned on me, and I felt angry, cheated, and violated. I was so proud that I pulled that meeting off successfully, and he reduced that accomplishment (a career first) to a successful wardrobe choice. Also at that meeting, I tried to keep him to time during his presentation so people could go to lunch and he said to me, in front of everyone, "I don't care--I'm finishing my presentation. Sit down." I did not know how to handle such disrespect in the moment! But later I had lots of choice words and things I wished I would have said in response, of course. It was humiliating. Would he have done that to a male colleague?
7. I have to send mass emails out as a part of my job, and he is one of the recipients. He has started sending replies back to just me, snarkily putting other students down. This started before this article came out. I went to my supervisor to complain about it as I was unsure of what to do as I found it inappropriate, and she said that my response to ignore it was the correct one. No poking the hornet's nest, for fear of retribution. He has already done some really shady stuff, encroaching on my PhD research topic and wriggling his way in on one of my projects. No telling what havoc he'd wreak on my career if I stood up to him the way I want to. He exudes schmooziness with the people in charge that should do something about him, and sleaze to the ones who have no power. He keeps asking when he can see me drunk. I refuse to be alone with him in any capacity, and restrict my interactions with him to work-only and business topics. I just refuse to engage in any other way. I've even stopped going to the Friday drinks sessions my department has because I do not want to give him any chances to be inappropriate. And who does that isolation hurt more? Me or him?

 And therein lies the problem. We are damned if we do, and damned if we don't.

And what does this say to the younger, early career men who want to advance to their positions? That this is OK, nay, expected behaviour in order to be successful. The fact that these folks get where they are without repercussion is mind boggling and sets up a nasty precedent.

Of course, sometimes the student/female is a willing participant and maybe even the instigator. Still, where is the backbone from the profs to not cross the line when they're the ones in a position of power?? And, if we look at this statistically, which group is more likely to have instigated these relationships? My bet is NOT on the students. I'm guessing the behaviour by the prof in the beginning is the same, whether it leads to a harassment case or a female student that is willing to encourage or engage in further activity. And that behaviour is what I have major problems with.

I am so ANGRY about all of this. It does NOT have to be this way--my earlier experiences testify to that. I am so fed up at having to hear about this and deal with it and walk this fine line between female and accomplished STEMmer. Can't I just do my job well?!

Is investing in passive index funds bad for the economy?

This New Yorker article brings up a few points I hadn't considered before.

On Sensory Deprivation

It sounds so traumatic and punishing. Removing all stimuli. But the concept is fascinating me.

I recently had my first session in a float tank, designed to help your brain reach a state of deep concentration and relaxation. You float in an egg-shaped pod filled with water with a ton of dissolved salt in it. It's like a luke-warm bath in the dark. Where you float. And there are no sounds, no sights, no nothing except your own breath and heartbeat. You eventually don't even have awareness of where your own body is in space. Everything drops away and you are just the whirring machinery of your own brain. It's effing weird, man.

With no outside input, it is supposed to make it easier to keep your brain from being distracted.

For those who've never done it and are curious, here's the deal:

1. you are brought to a room with a toilet, a sink, a shower, and an egg shaped thing, with a kind of DeLorean door on it. 
2. you strip down and get clean in the shower (no conditioner, that leaves residue in the pod)
3. put earplugs in, climb in and close the lid. There's a blue light at one end of the pod, and two buttons on either side. One notifies the pod-keeper (haha) that you are ready to start your session OR (afterward) that you are freaking out and need help. The other turns the blue light on/off. 
4. you sit at first, holding on to the walls to steady yourself. by climbing in, you've created currents in the water.
5. press the button. music will play for 10 minutes and the blue light goes out. 
6. stretch out your body. You float 100%. 
7. after 75 minutes (90 min total) of complete darkness and silence, the music starts to play again and the blue light comes on at the end of the session.
8. You step out, shower the salt off, and go home, relaxed.

I didn't know what to expect at all. I am claustrophobic, and was a bit worried I'd freak out. Water in a tight space in the dark is my all time, #1 fear. I feel like I'm suffocating just thinking about spelunking. But I was willing to give this a try. Why not?

Here's my experience:

I did my thing, climbed in it, and left the light on and pod mostly open while I signaled the pod keeper that I was ready. The hokey meditation music started to play. I stretched out right away, eager to get started. I was proud that I could completely relax into it--the guide said some people strain their necks by not relaxing their heads into the water.

At some point the blue light turned out and I completely shut the lid just to try it.

Wow, I can only hear my heartbeat and my breathing. I must be excited/anxious--my heart is beating so fast!

*PANIC.* What if I couldn't open the lid from the inside? I tested it a few times to make sure, then shut it.

Oh no, I'm nauseated. Hmmm. Am I getting seasick? What if I got sick in here? Could I open the lid in time? OH no, gross. Don't think about it.

Wait, I'm doing it!! I am not scared at all.

Oh god I think I'm suffocating. Is it supposed to be so humid in here? She said people fall asleep in here, so there must be enough oxygen. But what if I am different and need more oxygen than other people?! Why do I feel like I can't breathe?

Oh shi*. I can't find the handle. It's too dark. Where am I? How did I float into this position? I didn't even realize it.

SHI*!!!! WHERE IS THE LID? I AM GOING TO DIE IN HERE.

*Open up the lid a crack.* AIR!!! Ahhhh, better.

Floaty-floaty-floaty. Dark Dark Dark.

I feel like I'm spinning!!! This is so fun and cool. I'm going to experiment with stretching in different positions.

I'm SUPERMAN!! (floating on my stomach)

Now it is getting cold. *close lid*

Do I keep my eyes open or closed? I feel like I can see something, the outline of the egg door.

Nope. Imagination running wild. It is 100% blackness.


OK, now I'm really doing it, like legit. The music stopped a while ago. I wonder how long it has been. I'll just breathe.

Wow, this salt solution is really slippery feeling. A little bit gritty.

OK. Let's think about a problem I have that I want to solve.

You know what? Now that I can't feel it really, I'm super grateful to my body. I (admittedly very cheesily) then mentally thanked all my organs and muscles for allowing me to do the things I get to do. I vowed to each that I'd take better care of them all. Especially my brain...who is ME.

Then I started really tripping out, y'all. I was blown away that I was thanking my brain for being awesome. Because who was thanking my brain? MY BRAIN WAS THANKING MY OWN BRAIN FOR BEING ITSELF.

WTF.

I went totally outside of myself at this point, deep breathing, barely conscious but definitely not sleeping. On my inbreath, I'd see a vision of something happening in my life--either something that happened in the past that I'm dealing with now, or a vision of my future that I am planning to make happen. On my outbreath, the vision would disappear and I'd morph into this crazy relaxed nothingness. I had no body, I had no thoughts, I was just ...blank. In a very good, pleasant, easy way. I wished I could sustain that feeling forever, but my inbreath would wipe it away each time and replace it with a vision, sometimes the same one over and over, I guess until my brain was done with it. I didn't fight it, I merely noted it and observed it happening without trying to stop it.


The music came on, and I snapped fully awake like a light bulb switching on.

Afterward, I was a bit spacey and totally relaxed, but with a lot of energy. I was driving and had to concentrate extra hard to notice everything I was supposed to notice.

Tons of energy! I whipped through all of my errands, albeit in a relaxed, come-as-it-may manner. Nothing irked me, at least not for very long.

It was surprising, this burst of energy, because I'd only gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before (I got inspired to work on my PhD til all hours of the night--you DO NOT stop it or question it when that happens). I walked out of there feeling like I'd just taken the most refreshing nap ever. I never nap--I end up groggy and grumpy--so this result was pretty surprising, too.

I have one more session left on my account. I think I'll be going back when I need a good boost.

At the very least, it is pretty fun to float.

The 50%!

I have reached 50% fluency in Spanish in Duolingo finally!!! I've been at 49% for weeks, after progressing to that point very quickly since early to mid-February.

Another goal reached! I'm kicking butt so far this year!

Let's see how far I can get by my trip to South America later this month. :)

Life Destroys Financial Progress

Just did my taxes. Boy but do PhDs destroy financial progress/salaries! I earned the least I ever have after leaving school after I graduated with my Master's degree.

As an exercise, I've just been thinking about my life and how some of the decisions I've made have taken a major toll on my finances. The worst offenders:

1. Started a PhD.
2. Moved to a new country where the wages are half what they were in my home country, to be with a boyfriend. 
3. Started a new career. In academia, to boot.
4. Moved twice clear across the country with only a suitcase to my name. Brand new everything, y'all.
5. Traveled overseas, explored NZ, and visited friends in the US a few times. The length and width of NZ, Hawai'i, NYC, DC, CA, Seattle, Boston, Thailand, East Coast and inland Australia, Japan, Vanuatu...
6. Took 3.5 years to get my Master's degree, instead of the more appropriate 2.

I'm sure there's more...but those seem to be the ones that introduce the most 'dips' in my Net Worth. I can't say that I really regret any of it majorly, maybe except the moving to a new country with the boyfriend. And maybe the PhD one...but that's what we all say while we're going through it. ;)

I have a friend back home that has never wandered away from our home state, except when her job sent her to a flyover state once. She is much better off financially than me, I'm sure. Scholarships paid for her in-state tuition at a good school. She never went to an indulgently time- and money-sucking grad school. She is super frugal and practical--buys used cars and trucks and lives in a converted, paid off trailer on a plot of land her in-laws gave her and her husband for their wedding. Her hobbies are practical and frugal as they are satisfying to her: hunting, fishing, cooking healthy meals, teaching an exercise class, fixing and creating things, gardening, making non-toxic herbal remedies and cleaning solutions, and crafting gifts. Her parents, brother, and in-laws provide all of her day care. She is an absolutely wonderful person, and seems genuinely happy and fulfilled doing her job and taking care of herself, her kid, and her husband. What a different landscape my finances would be if that situation could make me happy as well--on the other hand, how rich my life has been because it doesn't!

Net Worth--Feb 2016

Yeesh. It's all treading water over here.

NW since tracking began (DEC 2014)
	NW Dec 2014	This month	Difference ($)	Difference (%)
NET WORTH (same)	104128.75	111971.2	7842.45	7.53
NZ Net Worth	82442.59	91485.75	9043.16	10.97
US Net Worth	21219.15	20209.45	-1009.7	-4.76
Change from last month:	Last Month	This Month	Difference ($)	Difference (%)
NET WORTH (same)	110723.46	111971.2	1247.74	1.13
NZ Net Worth	89373.61	91485.75	2112.14	2.36
US Net Worth	21098.85	20209.45	-889.4	-4.22