Embracing My Life: Planning to be Single

I've been freaking out a lot lately about being single for the rest of my life. As a scientist, I look at facts to try to find answers or patterns. Looking at all the evidence, it just seems inevitable:

• I am in my late 30's. I struggle to meet guys I like romantically, and even when I miraculously do, they don't see me 'that way.'
• I am a relationship person. I am not suited for one-offs or short flings. I can date but my aim will always be to look for a fun person that I can spend a long time with.
• I have put myself out there as much as I can possibly stomach. It doesn't seem to change anything.
• I have been asked out on TWO dates in the past 7 years in NZ, post-XBF. They were both nice guys but it didn't work out. One bailed and flaked on everything and the other one and I just couldn't keep a conversation rolling. I only have like three requirements and the above two things are both deal-breakers--he's gotta be reliable and we have to be able to talk easily. Both guys were on the rebound and were unlikely to be suitable for long-term relationships, anyway.
• I don't think my standards are too high, here's my List:

1. We have to be able to just...talk. Even if we aren't doing anything special, we have to be able to have a good time just being together.
2. He has to make me laugh. [SUPER BONUS POINTS if he remembers a story I've told in the past and references it in a joke a while later, or makes it as an inside joke between us.]
3. He has to be reliable. I can't do flaky. (This usually means he can hold down a job and handle his bills, too. ;)) I also include this to mean that he is commitment-minded.
4. No smokers. 

• There is seriously no reason that I can fathom why I cannot find someone to like who likes me in the same way. I am hygienic, tidy, literate, a good speller, gainfully employed, financially secure, empathetic, kind, fair, and, in the words of my friends and ex-boyfriends, gorgeous, funny, and smart. I am blonde and slim and like outdoorsy camping and hiking things. I take care of myself. I wear clothes that flatter and fit. I love to travel and have new experiences and usually take a very positive, make-the-best-of-the-situation attitude. I don't fly off the handle and yell or get really moody for no reason--I handle conflict calmly and quietly. I read interesting books and watch movies and tv and keep up with current events and pop culture--so I can converse about most topics intelligently and can back up my opinions with facts. I think about things very deeply and am very good at exchanging ideas. I can stay in and watch movies and play board games or I'm also happy to dress up, party, and go out on the town. I admit it when I am wrong. I apologize when I realize I've done something wrong. I laugh at almost all jokes (except those that are mean-spirited; making fun of someone's looks or weight is not OK). I love making other people happy and notice the little things. I give detailed, personalised gifts. I don't flake. I don't bail when things get hard--that is actually when I shine the brightest. I have hobbies and friends and family that I love. I have passions and interests. I know how to flirt and definitely convey it when I am interested. I know exactly what I want vs need from a relationship now. I, of course, have tons of flaws as well (am always 5 minutes late, am klutzy as hell, a picky eater, am a bit of a procrastinator, I could work out and volunteer more, and work less), but I actively work on them and none are so bad (I don't think) that they'd render me totally undesirable. Shoot, I think I am a catch! :) If I could think of something surficial that I could do to improve my chances, I'd do it, within reason. That brings me to...
•  I'm a good, loyal person who is confident in herself, has her shiz together, who has a lot to offer the world. In other words, like myself. Everything that the dating website advice columns suggest requires me to change stuff about me, and I am finally to a place where I am satisfied with who I am and what I believe. I'm not willing to give that up, not even an ounce of it. There are of course little compromises in healthy relationships, but they shouldn't require you to change who you are and the things you like about yourself--they should make you feel good about yourself. Otherwise, what is the point? I'd be happier and better off alone being my perfect self than trying to be someone else's perfect ideal.
• Hence: this whole dating business just makes me feel really bad about myself, like I am a horrible person in some intangible way that I cannot readily identify. I know this to be patently untrue. Therefore, there is absolutely no room for this useless feeling in my life!

So, after a lot of thought, talks with friends and family, crying, sadness, struggles, and endless cycles of grief over the death of hopes and life dreams I have had for myself since I was old enough to talk about getting married and having kids, I am almost ready to accept a single life. I am happy with who I am, but who I am doesn't seem to be conducive to getting dates. I have to accept this about myself in order to accept me for who I am. I am just so tired of trying to be someone different, 'someone who gets dates,' and getting nowhere, and eroding my happiness and health and confidence in the process. Maybe a single life sentence doesn't have to be a death knell, as I seem to be viewing it. I just picture slogging groceries home alone week after week, not having someone to travel and share life experiences with, and no one to cuddle up to at night or while watching a movie, etc. I just picture the emptiness and loneliness expanding and growing worse each passing year.

Yes, that is sad, and probably somewhat true. But I'm coming to realize that that can be my reality and I can still be OK. I'm sure that there are happy times in there too--just as there are sad bits to committing to a lifelong companion.

I am not quite to acceptance yet, but I think I am finally enough there that I can start to do what I do best: Plan.

I need stuff I can look forward to, instead of all of this hoping and dreaming and crushing and lost time over guys. I need to start envisioning the happy times single and alone can bring me, rather than all the bad. And that is the basis on which I will start my new (relationship-free) life plan.

Cheers to that!

Net Worth November

Cool, so my NZ NW continues to climb while my US NW is nearly equal to what it was a year ago (argh).

NW since tracking began (DEC 2014)
	NW Dec 2014	This month	Difference ($)	Difference (%)
NET WORTH (same)	104128.75	117462.69	13333.94	12.81
NZ Net Worth	82442.59	95733.24	13290.65	16.12
US Net Worth	21219.15	21478.45	259.3	1.22
Change from last month:	Last Month	This Month	Difference ($)	Difference (%)
NET WORTH (same)	115,885.77	117462.69	1576.92	1.36
NZ Net Worth	94154.25	95733.24	1578.99	1.68
US Net Worth	21,480.52	21478.45	-2.07	-0.01

And here is a nice graph to show my progress:



Slow and steady...

November 2015: Busy AF

Three major deadlines and events at work, all toppled on one another in quick succession, meant that I was doing the 'working from 10 am until 7am' thing for weeks on end (no those times are not typos). I first had to write a 30 page, in depth PhD proposal in a week and a half (most PhD students get like 3 months to work on them). The next week brought the biggest meeting of my work year, of which I was the sole organiser for the 200 person meeting, sole chair for the meeting, and also a presenter at it. Just madness!  The next day we had one of our big meetings with the funders to discuss the future of our project. It looks like my job is confirmed through (at-least) mid-2017 at this stage.

Finally, the week after that, my oral PhD proposal was due--in the form of a 30 minute presentation. I pulled that one together in 3.5 days. Record timing. Despite how daunting it sounds, it actually was the easiest one, and the one that went the smoothest.

Whew.

Trial by fire. And accordingly, I am burnt out. I am supposed to be working 6 am until midnight in the lab for my next deadline, but that is at least a week away, and I am just. so. tired. I cannot bring myself to do anything but the very bare minimum these days--sometimes even my daily shower just requires too much energy and I have to lay down in the warm bath!

In any case, November was too busy to spend a ton of money.

	Nov 2015 Budget
Category	Spent	Budgeted Amount
Rent	$900.00	$900.00
Groceries	$318.35	$425.00
Internet	$29.33	$29.33
Electricity	$48.13	$50.00
Eating Out and Alcohol	$122.40	$125.00
Charity	$50.00	$25.00
Cell phone	$13.00	$40.00
Medical	$0.00	$65.00
Misc	$515.01	$600.00
Savings	$500.00	$500.00
Total	$2,496.22	$2,759.33
Remainder	$386.98

I saved $386.98. Total income was $2,883.20.

The only place I am over budget is charity. Well done, me.

Notable happenings: 

1. Thanksgiving dinner! I made chocolate pie, stuffing, a salad, and gravy. Yum. 
2. Watercolour class! I learned a few things and had a blast being amateurs in a sea of professionals with a friend. It was also very relaxing to mix the colours and play around. 
3. I went paddleboarding with my BFF. He's now in Europe. Holy crap, I miss him. 
4. I went to Takapuna Farmer's Market with a friend. Lovely.
5. Met my min. spend for my Chase United Explorer Business card. 50K points here I come.
6. Got approved for the Qantas credit card. 20K Qantas points here I come! (min. spend, $1K in 3 months).

Thanks Giving

This year has been a really tough one, emotionally. Highs and lows--but mostly lows.

In the midst of all of that, the one things that I am consistently grateful for is how easily I am able to live within my means, even though those means are quite meager (PhD salary).

My budget allows me to spend ~$2,250 per month, plus save $500 to various goals and put away 11% of my salary (8% my contribution, 3% employer contribution) to retirement. When I am not distracted by work and/or nothing major in my life is going on, money-wise, I actually end up saving $300 or so per month of that $2,250, meaning that I could probably live on less than $2K/mo consistently if I were super dedicated.


I feel so lucky when I think of all of those facts, because in no way do I ever feel deprived. I go on vacations when the opportunity arises and I travel to see my family (though admittedly with a ton of help from airmiles!). I never ride the bus anymore, indulging in Ubers and car sharing instead. I live in a furnished apartment that, while not extravagant, is nothing like the sodden, mushroom filled, freezing pitholes that I hear about on the news--I have my own quite large room and a bathtub to relax in, in the perfect location. My commute is less than 5 minutes, walking, door-to-door and I also live practically next door to my best friend in NZ. I buy stuff I want. I eat out. I do exactly as I want, with very little thought to money anymore--my internal checks and balances keep me pretty well on track--and yet I can still reach my financial goals. My existing savings also provide a sense of security.


In a word, I'm very, very comfortable even though I make very little compared to everyone else I know in NZ. I am so very grateful that of all the things I have to worry about, money is not one of them. I can't imagine if I had to worry about that on top of everything else.

Success!

One of my recent posts centres around a South American hostel trying to charge me double what I booked it for. There was a lot of back and forth with the booking website (Hostelworld) and the hostel. However, after a very persuasive plea to the hostel, they finally relented, admitted I was right, and are agreeing to keep my original price. Hurrah!

Do I believe that they will not charge me double upon arrival? I don't know...if another friend joins us in our travels, we'll have to change accommodation anyway and the point will be moot. If she doesn't, though--there is a decision to be made.

In the end, though, the Principle of the Thing won and I feel like I made my point well. Hostelworld, on the other hand, was absolutely no help at all. I don't recommend booking through them!

Is it about the principle of the thing and not being a doormat, or about being understanding and affable?

Recently I booked a hostel through Hostelworld's website. I found a hostel with great reviews (not just on their site, but tripadvisor and other places as well) in a great, safe location in Brazil. I am usually quite thorough when looking for places to stay, as these can easily make or break trips.

The price listed was quite a bit less than other hostels, and I thought I had stumbled upon a great deal, so I booked it, ecstatically. My friend and I are on a very strict budget, so any little bit helps!

I contacted the hostel to let them know I'd be arriving quite late in the evening. They seemed very helpful and said all was great and confirmed my reservation. Then they sent a later email saying actually something 'very wrong' had happened with the pricing on Hostelworld, and to get the room I'd have to pay almost double what it says on my confirmed reservation. Did I accept their apology and want to continue with my reservation with them at the new, 'real' price? If not, they'd cancel my reservation and return my deposit.

What would you do here?

I haven't responded directly to them yet. I forwarded all of the correspondence to Hostelworld and asked for help. It says in their fine print that the hostel is responsible for any pricing mistakes on their site. They only took a day or two to respond and say that they are looking into the matter by talking to the hostel owners.

Since they are a good hostel in a good location, and the new price isn't exorbitant, should I have just accepted the price change and curried their good favour for the duration of my stay?
 

I struggle with knowing what to do--I know friends would just accept the new price and be all go-with-the-flow-y, and others who'd say that I should stick up for myself and shouldn't be a doormat. Sometimes I go so far in trying to make everything fair and just, I shoot myself in the foot and cost myself in the process. I'm looking for other hostels and air bnb's in Brazil because I doubt I will get good treatment at this original hostel, even if Hostelworld sides with me. It all just sucks. If I were the hostel owner, I would accept my responsibility for the mistake, and tell the guest that I'd honour the original price since the reservation is confirmed. But that is just me...and probably some of my American expectations/customer is always right coming out!

ETA: Hostelworld was no help at all. They said they contacted the hostel and confirmed that something had gone wrong when the hostel updated their prices on the website, and reiterated the hostel's offer to cancel my booking if I didn't agree to pay the new prices. 

I wrote back both the hostel and Hostelworld, quoting the policy on mistaken pricing (i.e., the hostel is responsible for the prices listed on the site, even if they are a mistake), explaining my point of view (e.g., this seems like a bait and switch and is unfair to me as a customer with a confirmed reservation) and am now awaiting their answer(s).  

Again, I doubt they honour their commitment, and I have already scouted out other places to stay, but I felt the need to emphasize how unfair this situation is to their customers. I will also be placing very negative reviews on any site that lets me for both hostelworld and the hostel in question. 

ETA 2: Success! An Update

Personality Types of PF Bloggers

Somewhat late to the bandwagon here...personality types of personal finance bloggers.

Yup, I'm INTJ as well. I find it so interesting that we are quite a minority in the general population, but are the most popular type represented in PF bloggers. Fun!

Career is dead-on, romantic relationship difficulty scarily accurate. The only thing that I don't quite agree with is that, as an INTJ, I am super blunt all the time. I mean, I can be--very much so at work--but I'm generally a nice girl and the first to offer a hug when I sense that a friend is hurting. I blame my Southern roots for my politeness, and my lovely mother for my unusually (-for-INTJs) empathetic nature.

S. America Tickets Bought!

So all is not awful--I've got my flights all booked for S. America this summer. I'll be heading over at the end of March/early April. Here's my $$ tally and budget so far:

Flights (total cost): $305.17 USD (gotta love airmiles!)


Tours/Souvenirs/Etc.: $500 USD budgeted
Hostels: $25/day USD budgeted
Food: $25/day USD budgeted
Car Hire: $20/day USD budgeted (only 11 of the days, though--will make do without the rest of the time)

Still need to do:

• check on immunizations needed
•  get SIM cards
• book hostels
• make rough tour itinerary/road trip maps

Start Saying No

This year has been really hard. People around me keep dying or getting sick(er) or turning out to not be decent people, or they are coupling up and becoming more distant. For someone who craves constancy and stability over everything else, this has been incredibly difficult. I try to roll with the punches by not expecting anything from anyone and not counting on anyone. But that is pretty hard to do. I'm at my happiest when I have enough time to be by myself and reliable, constant, fun, close friends when I don't want to be by myself. When those people disappoint me or I feel that they don't prioritise me as much as I prioritise them, I retreat into myself further. 

So I've fallen into a rut of very negative thinking. When I am not working (rarely), there is crying and sadness and hopelessness. Most of all, there is a lot of deep loneliness, with no end in sight.

I always said that if the PhD made me cry, I'd quit. But now I know that it is way more complicated than that. The things that are making me cry have nothing to do with my research. Even when someone stole my project, I didn't cry--I got angry. The PhD, however, creates pressure and requires a lifestyle with minimal time and money. That means that your go-to normal (healthy) stress relievers are probably not available to you. And that means that everything else that goes wrong in your life is amplified 1000x and you have few coping skills to deal with ALL THE EMOTIONS. This is the double whammy of PhD life: a ton of added stress, with fewer resources to deal with any stress at all.

The loneliness hits the hardest just after spending time with my quite large group of friends, who are all, and I mean 100%, happily coupled up. I'm therefore the odd man out. This makes me not want to go to parties or hang out with everyone in a large group, even though I adore them all. The loneliness hangover is just too brutal, so I abstain. I do spend one-on-one time with a few select people, and that is OK, but it is quite selfish to always/only spend time with them when they are on their own. I don't know what to do--I can't handle parties and spending time with ALL THE COUPLES because it makes me incredibly sad afterward (which I then feel guilty about, because I am happy for them), and I am selfish if I'm always asking for them to always take time away from their partners. Their partners have to come first, and I understand that. But it makes me feel awful to be demoted to an after-thought where once I was a priority and their first port of call. This hasn't just happened recently, it's an ongoing thing that repeats itself over and over and over again. And I'm tired of it. Am I just supposed to get a partner just as a default move, so that I am someone's #1? That seems like a shitty reason, not to mention I've been looking and it just doesn't happen that easily. Added to that, the happiest times in my life have not been while I was in a relationship. What is there to do when what makes everyone else happy makes you miserable? 

Anyway, I've been saying for a while now that I need to change something. I decided that once I got through my PhD proposal process, that change would start. The proposal was the last firm deadline/requirement that I had to meet to fulfill the University's requirements. And now it's done.

I do have a lab deadline I need to meet in December, and I'll be happy if I just have one sample for that--and I have 2.5 weeks to get that sample. So hopefully that is doable. My next conference I want to go to isn't until 2017. There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON that any time pressure should be put on me until that conference deadline looms. Right now, I literally have zero PhD deadlines after the one in December. More will pop up, for sure, but it shouldn't be like it has been this year.

I am PART TIME. It is time I start reminding people of that. I'm saying no to everything, even social activities, because I keep doing things I don't feel like doing and they just add more stress to my life. I want to strip everything away and slowly add only the things that I really value. That means being more selfish with my free time--I've already said no to an invitation to celebrate an acquaintance/friend's wedding because I was cracked out from work and desperately needed a day of rest and no obligations. Guilt trips and lots of persuasive messages ensued but I stood my ground. I felt awful but I just have to start doing what is right for me!

Going Home

I bit the bullet and bought flights home for Christmas today, the first time I've paid full-price in ~5 years.

My dad was admitted to the hospital a week ago and is in severe pain. The doctors are NOT helping. He wasn't looking good when I was home, and now things are even worse.

My sister was admitted to the hospital and isn't doing well.

My aunt just had a stroke. She was perfectly healthy--and one of the bright spots in the family--a few days ago. This is devastating to her immediate family, who are living hand-to-mouth as it is, and rely heavily on her for money for food and gas, and rides to the hospital. Her mom is in severe pain and has to have major surgery next week. I don't even know how they'll cope. Probably by leaning on my mother, the last remaining 'healthy' person in the family.

I am severely depressed about my life, being alone, and undergoing a ton of pressure from the PhD lately.

Add to that the state of the world yesterday (bombings in France), and I just couldn't take anymore. I need to be home, I need to be with my family, full stop. Nothing else matters.

It's just money. And I have a PhD emergency fund, anyway. I think this counts. I just hope I don't need to come home earlier than Christmas...

October Blow Out: The Budget Of The Uncaring

October was awful. I left my friends and family in the US and was determined to keep my good humour and better attitude to work upon returning to NZ. I even decided not to drink for a while to try and be healthier.

The good humour lasted about 8 days (I'm still not drinking). I'm a total mess. I'll get into why in another post, but my attempts to save time wherever I could and make myself relax led to a lot of spending. Saving money is just the last thing on my mind, I am in a bad place and can't care about that right now.

Not only did I go over my budget, I spent more than I made this month:

	Oct 2015 Budget
Category	Spent	Budgeted Amount	Balance
Rent	$900.00	$900.00	$0.00
Groceries	$536.29	$425.00	-$111.29
Internet	$29.33	$29.33	$0.00
Electricity	$162.13	$50.00	-$112.13
Eating Out and Alcohol	$235.63	$125.00	-$110.63
Charity	$50.00	$25.00	-$25.00
Cell phone	$21.00	$40.00	$19.00
Medical	$0.00	$65.00	$65.00
Misc	$1,072.39	$600.00	-$472.39
Savings	$500.00	$500.00	$0.00
Total	$3,506.77	$2,759.33	-$747.44
Remainder	-$623.57

I blame a) spending willy-nilly on items at the American store (adjusting back to NZ is always hard), b) stocking up on grocery items again, and c) reserving the cityhop car too many times this month. I can't afford to do it every single weekend--I need to cut that back to every OTHER weekend perhaps.

 It's bad news, but not heartbreaking. I can afford it for one month...and so far I haven't had to transfer any NZD to USD using the terrible exchange rate. At least my Net Worth still went up!

NW since tracking began (DEC 2014)
	NW Dec 2014	This month	Difference ($)	Difference (%)
NET WORTH (same)	104128.75	115,885.77	11757.02	11.29
NZ Net Worth	82442.59	94154.25	11711.66	14.21
US Net Worth	21219.15	21,480.52	261.37	1.23
Change from last month:	Last Month	This Month	Difference ($)	Difference (%)
NET WORTH (same)	112,921.42	115,885.77	2964.35	2.63
NZ Net Worth	92021.61	94154.25	2132.64	2.32
US Net Worth	20,648.81	21,480.52	831.71	4.03

Hell week/month.

OK. Pretty bad week.

My dad is in severe pain and went to the ER twice. They finally admitted him for one day and then discharged him without making a plan to manage his pain nor did they alleviate it while he was in the hospital. What good are doctors anyway?

I think my sister is having a psychotic break, and emailing me nonsense things again. I think she is going to end up in the psychiatric ward again soon.

Was given an impossible deadline; stayed up for about 4 days straight to try and meet it. In the end I turned something in but it was probably the worst thing I've ever written professionally. And it didn't meet the guidelines I was given for it. My supervisor gave me feedback that changed the focus of the entire 30 page document THREE HOURS before it was due, so I am just grateful it got done. I'm not someone who doesn't follow rules and make sure every i is dotted, so this was really really hard for me. The hell isn't over--next week is another big deadline, then the week after I have yet another biggie. Two weeks later, there is another one. They just keep rolling in!



I'm not in a good place generally. I'm just feeling really lonely. I have really good friends here but no real life partner. I'm looking for someone that is supportive and in my life on a daily basis, i.e., more than a friend. Everyone else in my life here has someone like that. My heart is slightly broken because I did have a 'friend' who was sort of a stand in/life partner substitute for a while, but he has found someone special. I think I cared more than I should have!! Oh well.

So I'm kind of pulling back on everything except taking care of myself. My time is so limited by work and PhD now that I am barely sleeping. I've done what I can--I've cut out everything in my life I used to enjoy and it is still not enough. I need to get back on track, though. First things first. Prioritize sleeping well, eating healthily, working out. Then investing time in my family. Then work and PhD. Friends and fun has to come last, there is just no time for that without severely cutting into things like sleep. I've invited friends to come workout with me doing various activities that they've said they'd be into, but they've all bailed on me at the last minute, every time, so there's no way to combine those things. I'm not sure what else to do. I make fixings for salads and other relatively healthy meals on Sundays and then heat them up or pull them together in less than 5 minutes during the week. I then eat while I'm working, so there is no time to spare there, either. What else could I do? I'll keep thinking.

I think I need to go home for Christmas. I just need a hug from my mom and dad!

Hate It

A PhD is just a constant state of being disappointed in yourself after setting yourself up to fail.

It's time to face facts: I'm miserable. Utterly, totally despondent. I hate everything about my PhD except for the actual project and work. That is--the politics, the paperwork, the administration, managing the supervisor, people stealing my ideas and treating me like a slave or non-person...the DEADLINES. If I could just do the project work without all of the accompanying nonsense, I'd quit the PhD in a heartbeat and do it happily.

I think I need to seriously think about quitting. My sanity/health/happiness is not worth doing this for another 4.5 years.

Not to mention, if I keep devoting all of my time to the PhD, I will lose all of my friends (who are pissed at me for being unavailable) and any chance at dating ever again. 43 is a bit late to enter the dating scene when I'm ready for all that NOW.

(of course, to put things in perspective, I'm writing this after staying up 48 straight hours to write a proposal due 1 day from now, and it's still nowhere near an acceptable condition. I'm just sick of these last minute pressurized deadlines where I have to give up everything for weeks/months at a time to live like a work-crazed insane person, and still either fail or reach the bottom rung of mediocrity. I AM SICK OF THIS FEELING)

Revised 2015 Goals

I am not going to reach all of my stretch goals for 2015--that much is clear! And that is OK, they are stretch goals for a reason. I've revised the remainder of my goals to something a little more reasonable, deleting those that have been crossed off or moved to 2016 to make things a little more digestible and less daunting.

2015 Goals

1. Get at least 8 hours of sleep every night. Sometimes...

Stretch goals:

Financial

1. Save $500/mo to long-term goals: House DP and Retirement, $250 each.
   
2. Track every penny and stay out of debt.
3. Apply for 20K qantas points. 

Travel/Experiences/Social

1. Beat Stranger Danger: go to one meetup event where I know no one every quarter (Jan - Mar; April - June; July - Sept; Oct - Dec). Q1 Q2: meet up with dance class; Q3: accidentally stumbled onto a meetup at a bar and chatted to randoms for an hour;
2. Find something to do for Xmas and New Year's Eve 2015. Plans in the works!! Going home.

Learning/Projects

1. Take an Artstation course. Booked!  

Career

1. Update my CV, LinkedIn, Twitter, blog, staff page, and Researchgate profiles for work in January, April, July, and November.
2. Write and present PhD proposal.

Medical/Physical/Mental Health

1. Meditate a few minutes every day.
2. Treat yo'self! Every month, get a massage or other deal via grabone to have some luxury me-time in the midst of super stressful PhD life. 
1. October: Float voucher? Massage voucher? Hmmm...
2. November: Artstation course (booked)
3. December: go home!

Other

1. Back up computer 4 times a year: March/June/September/December.

Checking in on My Credit Score and History

Did my annual check in of my credit score and report! My Citibank credit card makes this really easy--it tells me my credit score whenever I want it to, and links me directly to the free annualcreditreport.com site to check all of my reports.

Credit score: varies from 787 to 827. Currently it is 787, probably because I just requested a credit cards, and (they tell me) because I do not have revolving debt in the form of a mortgage or student loan. Sigh. Since when is having that kind of debt actually good?? Also, yes, please rub it in my face that I do not own a house!! :)

Checked my credit reports! However, only Transunion was available. Can't get access to Experian and Equifax for some reason (maybe because I am in NZ). I'll put it on my list next year to request my credit reports when I am in the US.

Got an error message for both to mail in my request:

Internet Delivery Unavailable - Mail-in Request

We're sorry, for your protection we are unable to deliver an Equifax Free Annual Credit Report over the Internet.

Request by Mail

To request your Free Equifax Credit File by mail, please fill out the attached form (PDF file), along with the documents described below and mail them to:

Annual Credit Report Request Service
P.O. Box 740240
Atlanta, GA 30348-0241

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Life Update

I'm back!! Back in NZ, back at work, back in the thick of it. I was very worried about how I'd feel once I returned. So far, I've been taking it really easy. I have about another week and then the pressure is on again. Sigh. I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

I'm currently dreaming of 2016 goals. My 2015 list was good to refer to, and it felt good putting a line through many of them. There are still so many that I haven't been able to cross off (though I'm trying to get a few more before the end of the year!!). Should the remaining ones stay on the list, or should I rotate in some new ones?? I can't decide, but it's fun to think about.

Has it really been 9 years? The XBF drama continues. It seems as though somewhere along the line, he and the girl he met at my work (who he married) got divorced, because he is now dating YET ANOTHER girl from my workplace. How sad and annoying, that he can't seem to find someone to date in a place other than from the teeny tiny pool of females that I work with! There are literally like 5 of us! I'm super glad I didn't give in to his requests to hang out again (this happened recently--we kept seeing each other around and I finally just said hi to be done with the awkwardness; he took it to mean something that it was not). That whole interaction and what ensued afterward proved to me that he hasn't changed one bit over the past decade! I cannot be around people that are that much of a mess. I feel for the girl, but she'll learn. I hope they are happy. As for me, seriously, can't I get a break from relationship drama/having to see him in my office canoodling when I can barely even get one date? It's been 6 years since I have had a boyfriend, I haven't even done anything to be in this situation. AGAIN.

Because of the above situation, I started thinking what a mistake it was to follow XBF to NZ. Yes, it got me to my current job, which I love, but I wonder if I would have found my way back to my current profession at some point anyway. Given how right it feels (it's my purpose in life, it just is) and how much of a passion I feel for my subject, I think I would have figured out a way to get to it in the US. In the meantime, I don't want to be here. It is basic fact that I'll never be able to settle down here without a miracle. I don't have the means to buy a house, which means I can never own a dog. I apparently can't meet and attract an interesting, decent guy I like, so I'll be alone while I live here. I don't mean to be negative, but the evidence and facts don't lie: I just can't be who I want to be here. There is no next step in NZ for me, though I'm searching and keep hoping for it. At what point do I cut my losses and admit defeat? Honestly, it feels like all the major life decisions I've made since I was 26 has been a collosal mistake.

I think I need to start running again; I'm really negative these days!

Net Worth Aug & Sept 2015

August 2015:
 

NW since tracking began (DEC 2014)
	NW Dec 2014	This month	Difference ($)	Difference (%)
NET WORTH (same)	104128.75	112589.2	8460.45	8.12
NZ Net Worth	82442.59	91696.5	9253.91	11.22
US Net Worth	21219.15	20641.7	-577.45	-2.72
Change from last month:	Last Month	This Month	Difference ($)	Difference (%)
NET WORTH (same)	114109.64	112589.2	-1520.44	-1.33
NZ Net Worth	91952.42	91696.5	-255.92	-0.28
US Net Worth	21906.22	20641.7	-1264.52	-5.77

Sept 2015:

NW since tracking began (DEC 2014)
	NW Dec 2014	This month	Difference ($)	Difference (%)
NET WORTH (same)	104128.75	112,921.42	8792.67	8.44
NZ Net Worth	82442.59	92021.61	9579.02	11.62
US Net Worth	21219.15	20,648.81	-570.34	-2.69
Change from last month:	Last Month	This Month	Difference ($)	Difference (%)
NET WORTH (same)	112589.2	112,921.42	332.22	0.30
NZ Net Worth	91696.5	92021.61	325.11	0.35
US Net Worth	20641.7	20,648.81	7.11	0.03

Chart:



As usual, as slight dip in the ol' Net Worth over my trip, however this one is because the US and NZ stock markets dipped.

I expect there to be another slight blip downwards in the months to come as I recover from my spending spree in the US! Hopefully it will be minimal because I didn't have to dip into my savings account this year. Here's to the markets recovering!

Amazing Saving

So I spent with abandon when in the US and Europe. Luckily, my work grants covered most of my work-related expenses like food. However, US expenditure was all me. I don't even have a number, but the total for the 7 week trip was something around $6K USD. Yikes!

However, my NZD bank account was pretty well stocked before I left, and it just exploded with my salary deposits and no NZ debits while I was away (I used my US cc's for 99% of my expenses). I ended up being able to cover all of my credit card bills using what was already in my bank account. That means that I didn't end up transferring the allocated money from my 2015 US Trip Fund at all!

I had $3K set aside for my trip that I didn't have to transfer to my checking account to pay bills, so that now just gets allocated to 2017 travel (I already have money saved up for travel to the US in 2016). That was easy, though it's very tempting to put it towards something fun right now. Oh well. I'll suffer through October and see if my bank account lasts. If not, I can always move some of that money over. It shouldn't be more than $1K though, so that puts me well toward 2017 travel. I'm doing well!

That takes off some of the pressure off for next year's financial goals. Yay!

Speaking of goals, I had a bunch of ideas while I was away, for how I can use my PhD fund to reduce my stress:

1. I need to go see a therapist/life coach. 

2. I desperately need to work out on the regular. I'm getting back into tennis and pilates and stretch and running again.

3. I need to see a physio regularly and maybe a doctor, too. My body is reacting to the pressure in very weird ways.

4. I need to see a dermatologist. Major stress = major eczema. 

5. I may hire a maid. Eff cleaning when I'm so busy!

6. Ditto on hiring a cook or getting meals delivered for the week. I could buy a freezer maybe. I need to eat better.

6. I am going to Chile in April. Supervisor doesn't get a say, because he will always say no.

7. I'm going to take a public speaking course. I desperately need to feel more confident up there. It's my most feared part of the PhD.

8.  I have to make weekends sacred, and schedule in friend time and friends/family Skype time. If I need to buy this time somehow, I will do it (see: hire a maid).

9. I have got to meet more people and start dating regularly again. This means more time/money spent on looking nice and going out.

10. I'm going to Rarotonga or another island at some point.

11. I'm going up north or elsewhere for Xmas vacation.

Even if I only do a third of these things, it will be a MAJOR improvement to my lifestyle. I know what is good for me, now I just have to make myself do it.

Spendy September

Over my holiday, I threw all my financial plans up in the air and bought (almost) everything on my NZ list (carefully constructed over the past year). I spent a lot of money.

The upside of that now is that I finally have the basics of a good wardrobe. Time to buy classic pieces, and add some trendy fun pieces to supplement the basics (2016 goal). I'm ready to start building a capsule collection. Now I just need to learn how to dress! I am usually a jeans/sneakers/tshirt kind of girl. I just recently stopped wearing tshirts with things written on them. When I dress up, the most daring I usually go are form-fitting jeans with a lower cut tank top, with maybe a few sequins on the tank.

I love basic clothes with a tiny detail to make it interesting--a batwing sleeve, a tied-up sleeve, a few beads on the neckline, a unique collar. Stripes are my friend. Preppy is my jam. I'm super boring.

Over my break, I became obsessed with how Joanna Gaines dresses on her show, Fixer Upper. She's all Texan/southern/basics girl but looks stunning in everything she wears. I love the leather, muted earth tones (tan/black/white/navy/army green), and simple yet very polished and chic look she pulls off. She looks like she can stroll straight from her farm to the construction site to the antique shop to dinner out in the same outfits!

Her jewelry/accessories in particular are amazing. I think she makes her own. I love her wrist cuffs! I'm a very simple in my taste for jewelry, but only because I have to be. Anything big or loud looks really crazy on me, because my features are really delicate and I am small boned. Big rings take up half of my hand. Most bracelets and those man-boyfriend style watches are always 10x too big for my wrist. It just looks ridiculous on me. Simple and delicate is the order of the day for me. Lovisa in NZ is hit or miss with jewelry, but I love almost everything in their sterling silver collection. (I--luckily--HAVE to wear almost pure gold/silver, never plated, as I am allergic to nickel and a lot of other metal additives.)

So that is the next appearance goal for 2016. Classic staples! Or cheap, trendy, and fun! I want to continue to build with solid basics while adding a few experimental punches.

Checking in with Credit Cards and Bonuses

Back in the saddle! I effectively ignored my finances while I was on vacation, not having the brain capacity to deal with it even though I had literally nothing else to do...that right there is a sure sign my brain was/is fried. Money is always at the forefront of my mind, and I just...didn't care while I was away. I even paid a credit card bill late! That hasn't happened in...ever?? I was able to get it dismissed but still, I am slipping.

So it's time to pay attention again.

I have:

Chase Freedom (keep for credit history)
Capital One (keep for credit history)

Chase Sapphire (I love this card!)--I have earned 47K points so far. To be cancelled 2016

LANpass--20K points toward flights in S. America. :); cancel in 2016

Barclaycard AAdvantage--50K US Air (now AA) points, to be canceled soon

Air NZ cc--earned 200 airpoints + points for spending, will cancel april 2016

Air NZ Amex--I earn ANZ points on this but really I keep it to establish a credit history in NZ.

Soon to apply for (am now eligible as per the new Chase rules): 

United MileagePlus Explorer Chase Biz--50K points for a $2K spend. Too bad I wasn't eligible earlier--I definitely spent this much on my vacation!

Mileage summary:
Delta--110K points
AA--80K points
United--16,285 (47K from Chase Sapphire to be transferred over soon!)
Air NZ--666 airpoints
LAN--20,001 points

I traveled to Europe and the US by air using work money, that should add some airmiles on random airlines, too--I now have earned points on Iceland Air, Emirates, and Germanwings. I doubt I use them (or rack them up enough to use them) before they expire, though.

I'm hoping the above is enough to get me to/heavily supplement trips to:

• a Pacific Island (Rarotonga??) in 2015-2016
• the East Coast of the US in 2016
• South America in early 2016

Here's to travel!

Notes to Self

I organise and lead/attend a lot of meetings, holding a dual role as admin as well as active participant. (It's a hard line to straddle--sometimes I am the electronics tech, getting the AV system up and running, sometimes I am voicing my opinion on whether or not to move our project website to a self-hosted URL and giving the latest science to decision-makers so they can completely overhaul public law/policy. And then I go back to pouring people tea. It's an odd feeling.)

In any case, while the meetings are occurring, in addition to my many responsibilities, I also keep mental notes on what is going well and what is not, and write them down for next time. For example, did we have enough food? Too much food? The wrong kind of food? Is my boss happy? Was getting here 30 minutes early enough? How many people showed up that RSVP'd? That didn't RSVP (grrrrr)? What could be done better?

My nature is to take notes so that I improve and do better in the future. So, here are my thoughts and regrets for this vacation (I often feel this way after each of my US vacations):

1. It was good that the internet didn't work at home most of the time. The absence of internet forced me to go elsewhere to Skype my friends, who I'd like to talk/curse in private with, anyway. I could be completely honest without worrying I was offending my parents/sister. It also made me read more books/talk to my family/go to bed earlier. I should make a rule to Skype elsewhere and not use the internet after 11 pm when I am at home.
2. I wish I'd spent more time talking with my Dad. He is not looking good and is very very ill. If I get another chance to see him I need to carve out some time every day to chat to him (and ask him a question about his life). He is the last living relative I can ask stories about that side of my family.
3. I helped my family clean up their house. I really wish I'd been more organised and gotten more done on this, but I forgive myself for taking it easier than I could have. I am on vacation, not here to do work and be productive.
4. By about three weeks in, I started to really relax. This last week has been wonderful, with me being 100% able to enjoy the moments I have to myself. I could experiment with other ways to get me to this relaxed state quicker...no checking email, full stop (I spent time to delete the spam during this vacation); taking more road trips, exploring, talking/seeing more friends? Work is always at the back of my mind, pushing through when I get inspired, but I have been able to calm the storm down to a dull roar as of late.
5. I wish I'd woken up earlier/gone to the beach/gotten outside more. Next trip, I need to pencil in time to be outside every week. I found a pool nearby to go hang out at for next year! Bonus points if I can combine social/outside time.
6. I wish I'd seen my friends earlier in my trip. Spending quality time with friends/family really gives me a sense of time off/vacation. The solo things I do to relax (TV, internet, reading) are not always the things that make me happiest. I want to learn when it's good to be by myself to recharge (true introversion!) and when I'm just avoiding talking to people because it seems too hard (laziness/fear of making an idiot of myself/unwilling to break my routine). There IS a difference, and I use my introversion as an excuse not to socialize a LOT/too much. I need to learn that, as an introvert, one on one time with a good friend is relaxing 99% of the time. And most of the time, I find much more life value in a good, long chat with a friend over dinner than I do just hanging out by myself. Time with family/friends (IF QUALITY, i.e., not small talk, not skimming the surface, but being real) is always worth getting over my fear of looking like an idiot/breaking my routine/the social anxiety. That isn't to say my time reading by myself wasn't worth it, but I could recognize when I'm fully recharged and can put the book down and make myself talk to and connect with other people, which I find vastly more rewarding than spending lots of time by myself.
7. I do too much shopping. I haven't found a way to streamline this yet! Shopping is super annoying but I put a lot of pressure on myself to stock up for the coming year, especially in regards to clothes. I now should have all the basics that I need. I want to start collecting quality, classic pieces that will last me for a long time. This trip, I got a classic black rain/trench coat. It was over $100 but I love it and it pulls me together very nicely. I can wear it alone in the summer, or layer fleece underneath to make it warmer in the winter. And Lord knows I can use a rain jacket in Auckland! Next challenges: 
1. finding nice comfy flats--closed toe shoes I can wear with skirts or shorts to work
2. finding unique pieces that I love and that look good on me, to show my style. I have a ton of basics but nothing that shows off my quirks. I've been great at not buying pieces that are not quality and do not look perfect on me as-is. I could look into getting a tailor...
8. I need to realize THIS IS MY LIFE. I keep thinking, "I can really start my life when..." whatever happens. But that isn't how it works. Time goes by so freaking fast. And I have wasted so much of it! I abhor feeling that way. I want to live a life where I feel like I've eked out as much value as I possible could have. And I do not feel that way 99% of the time. It kills me.
9. I cannot expect so much from my sister. At worst, she is an example of why I cannot have children--if my child had the same affliction she does, I could not cope with the guilt of having knowingly passed along those genes, and could also not deal with her behaviour as a parent. I also cannot be expected to take care of my sister AND a child (once my parents pass, she will be my sole responsibility). She is damaged in a way that I am now just realizing and accepting is unrecoverable, at least unless an absolute miracle happens. I have to stop expecting so much from her, only to get disappointed time and time again. This trip has been awful in regards to that. She is entitled, thinks I owe her money and things (because I am "rich" and she is unable to hold down a job like she wants to and spends money as soon as it hits her hands), is argumentative and selfish, demands me to buy her things, and is unable to figure out when she needs to stand up for herself and when she should let things go. She also, at 34, wets the bed, creates a mess everywhere she goes, is oblivious to social norms, and is unable to function on a very basic adult level by herself. Suggestions fall on deaf ears, and she immediately gets defensive, accuses me of some wrong-doing, and says I'm trying to start an argument. She is effectively an odd combination of adult--old enough to smoke and ruin her life, a toddler--she has an amazing capacity to destroy order and create messes oblivious to repercussions, and a teenager--self-entitled, bratty, and unrealistic. This is just how it is. I cannot change her or help her. I need to get more distance from her, especially when she baits me into arguments by attacking me when she is the one that did something unacceptable and I want to discuss it. It just seems that my lot in life is to be alone. For me, this is the hardest thing about her illness to accept, that I will have no one that I can count on once my parents are gone. No unconditional love, no safety net, I will have no one but myself. She just isn't someone that I can count on, emotionally or in any other manner that matters. Thinking about all of this makes me so incredibly sad, but that is just how it is. I probably need some therapy to accept it all.
10. Oh! and I got a full 70 lb in my luggage for free on my return trip. I can't figure out the rules there. I was fully prepared to pay $100 for the extra weight, but when I rocked up to the counter, they said there was no fee. May have been due to my credit card use/air mile use or maybe that is because of my overseas travel. Whatever it is, Yay! I should have also bought a new luggage bag and gotten another 50 lb for $35, but that's OK.

All in all, it has been an OK trip. I have gotten some of my intended tasks done, the most important of which was to recover from the past 6 months of PhD hell. I am finally relaxed and motivated again. I've even started working out again, something I have resisted for whatever reason. I have spent time on Skype with a few people, and spent time with people I hold most dear. I could do more of that next time, I think! Not having work to do while at home REALLY helps. There is another post in here about all the guilt I feel normally. Guilt = stress...but I'll go spend some time with my family now.