Embracing My Life: Planning to be Single

I've been freaking out a lot lately about being single for the rest of my life. As a scientist, I look at facts to try to find answers or patterns. Looking at all the evidence, it just seems inevitable:

• I am in my late 30's. I struggle to meet guys I like romantically, and even when I miraculously do, they don't see me 'that way.'
• I am a relationship person. I am not suited for one-offs or short flings. I can date but my aim will always be to look for a fun person that I can spend a long time with.
• I have put myself out there as much as I can possibly stomach. It doesn't seem to change anything.
• I have been asked out on TWO dates in the past 7 years in NZ, post-XBF. They were both nice guys but it didn't work out. One bailed and flaked on everything and the other one and I just couldn't keep a conversation rolling. I only have like three requirements and the above two things are both deal-breakers--he's gotta be reliable and we have to be able to talk easily. Both guys were on the rebound and were unlikely to be suitable for long-term relationships, anyway.
• I don't think my standards are too high, here's my List:

1. We have to be able to just...talk. Even if we aren't doing anything special, we have to be able to have a good time just being together.
2. He has to make me laugh. [SUPER BONUS POINTS if he remembers a story I've told in the past and references it in a joke a while later, or makes it as an inside joke between us.]
3. He has to be reliable. I can't do flaky. (This usually means he can hold down a job and handle his bills, too. ;)) I also include this to mean that he is commitment-minded.
4. No smokers. 

• There is seriously no reason that I can fathom why I cannot find someone to like who likes me in the same way. I am hygienic, tidy, literate, a good speller, gainfully employed, financially secure, empathetic, kind, fair, and, in the words of my friends and ex-boyfriends, gorgeous, funny, and smart. I am blonde and slim and like outdoorsy camping and hiking things. I take care of myself. I wear clothes that flatter and fit. I love to travel and have new experiences and usually take a very positive, make-the-best-of-the-situation attitude. I don't fly off the handle and yell or get really moody for no reason--I handle conflict calmly and quietly. I read interesting books and watch movies and tv and keep up with current events and pop culture--so I can converse about most topics intelligently and can back up my opinions with facts. I think about things very deeply and am very good at exchanging ideas. I can stay in and watch movies and play board games or I'm also happy to dress up, party, and go out on the town. I admit it when I am wrong. I apologize when I realize I've done something wrong. I laugh at almost all jokes (except those that are mean-spirited; making fun of someone's looks or weight is not OK). I love making other people happy and notice the little things. I give detailed, personalised gifts. I don't flake. I don't bail when things get hard--that is actually when I shine the brightest. I have hobbies and friends and family that I love. I have passions and interests. I know how to flirt and definitely convey it when I am interested. I know exactly what I want vs need from a relationship now. I, of course, have tons of flaws as well (am always 5 minutes late, am klutzy as hell, a picky eater, am a bit of a procrastinator, I could work out and volunteer more, and work less), but I actively work on them and none are so bad (I don't think) that they'd render me totally undesirable. Shoot, I think I am a catch! :) If I could think of something surficial that I could do to improve my chances, I'd do it, within reason. That brings me to...
•  I'm a good, loyal person who is confident in herself, has her shiz together, who has a lot to offer the world. In other words, like myself. Everything that the dating website advice columns suggest requires me to change stuff about me, and I am finally to a place where I am satisfied with who I am and what I believe. I'm not willing to give that up, not even an ounce of it. There are of course little compromises in healthy relationships, but they shouldn't require you to change who you are and the things you like about yourself--they should make you feel good about yourself. Otherwise, what is the point? I'd be happier and better off alone being my perfect self than trying to be someone else's perfect ideal.
• Hence: this whole dating business just makes me feel really bad about myself, like I am a horrible person in some intangible way that I cannot readily identify. I know this to be patently untrue. Therefore, there is absolutely no room for this useless feeling in my life!

So, after a lot of thought, talks with friends and family, crying, sadness, struggles, and endless cycles of grief over the death of hopes and life dreams I have had for myself since I was old enough to talk about getting married and having kids, I am almost ready to accept a single life. I am happy with who I am, but who I am doesn't seem to be conducive to getting dates. I have to accept this about myself in order to accept me for who I am. I am just so tired of trying to be someone different, 'someone who gets dates,' and getting nowhere, and eroding my happiness and health and confidence in the process. Maybe a single life sentence doesn't have to be a death knell, as I seem to be viewing it. I just picture slogging groceries home alone week after week, not having someone to travel and share life experiences with, and no one to cuddle up to at night or while watching a movie, etc. I just picture the emptiness and loneliness expanding and growing worse each passing year.

Yes, that is sad, and probably somewhat true. But I'm coming to realize that that can be my reality and I can still be OK. I'm sure that there are happy times in there too--just as there are sad bits to committing to a lifelong companion.

I am not quite to acceptance yet, but I think I am finally enough there that I can start to do what I do best: Plan.

I need stuff I can look forward to, instead of all of this hoping and dreaming and crushing and lost time over guys. I need to start envisioning the happy times single and alone can bring me, rather than all the bad. And that is the basis on which I will start my new (relationship-free) life plan.

Cheers to that!

Net Worth November

Cool, so my NZ NW continues to climb while my US NW is nearly equal to what it was a year ago (argh).

NW since tracking began (DEC 2014)
	NW Dec 2014	This month	Difference ($)	Difference (%)
NET WORTH (same)	104128.75	117462.69	13333.94	12.81
NZ Net Worth	82442.59	95733.24	13290.65	16.12
US Net Worth	21219.15	21478.45	259.3	1.22
Change from last month:	Last Month	This Month	Difference ($)	Difference (%)
NET WORTH (same)	115,885.77	117462.69	1576.92	1.36
NZ Net Worth	94154.25	95733.24	1578.99	1.68
US Net Worth	21,480.52	21478.45	-2.07	-0.01

And here is a nice graph to show my progress:



Slow and steady...

November 2015: Busy AF

Three major deadlines and events at work, all toppled on one another in quick succession, meant that I was doing the 'working from 10 am until 7am' thing for weeks on end (no those times are not typos). I first had to write a 30 page, in depth PhD proposal in a week and a half (most PhD students get like 3 months to work on them). The next week brought the biggest meeting of my work year, of which I was the sole organiser for the 200 person meeting, sole chair for the meeting, and also a presenter at it. Just madness!  The next day we had one of our big meetings with the funders to discuss the future of our project. It looks like my job is confirmed through (at-least) mid-2017 at this stage.

Finally, the week after that, my oral PhD proposal was due--in the form of a 30 minute presentation. I pulled that one together in 3.5 days. Record timing. Despite how daunting it sounds, it actually was the easiest one, and the one that went the smoothest.

Whew.

Trial by fire. And accordingly, I am burnt out. I am supposed to be working 6 am until midnight in the lab for my next deadline, but that is at least a week away, and I am just. so. tired. I cannot bring myself to do anything but the very bare minimum these days--sometimes even my daily shower just requires too much energy and I have to lay down in the warm bath!

In any case, November was too busy to spend a ton of money.

	Nov 2015 Budget
Category	Spent	Budgeted Amount
Rent	$900.00	$900.00
Groceries	$318.35	$425.00
Internet	$29.33	$29.33
Electricity	$48.13	$50.00
Eating Out and Alcohol	$122.40	$125.00
Charity	$50.00	$25.00
Cell phone	$13.00	$40.00
Medical	$0.00	$65.00
Misc	$515.01	$600.00
Savings	$500.00	$500.00
Total	$2,496.22	$2,759.33
Remainder	$386.98

I saved $386.98. Total income was $2,883.20.

The only place I am over budget is charity. Well done, me.

Notable happenings: 

1. Thanksgiving dinner! I made chocolate pie, stuffing, a salad, and gravy. Yum. 
2. Watercolour class! I learned a few things and had a blast being amateurs in a sea of professionals with a friend. It was also very relaxing to mix the colours and play around. 
3. I went paddleboarding with my BFF. He's now in Europe. Holy crap, I miss him. 
4. I went to Takapuna Farmer's Market with a friend. Lovely.
5. Met my min. spend for my Chase United Explorer Business card. 50K points here I come.
6. Got approved for the Qantas credit card. 20K Qantas points here I come! (min. spend, $1K in 3 months).

Thanks Giving

This year has been a really tough one, emotionally. Highs and lows--but mostly lows.

In the midst of all of that, the one things that I am consistently grateful for is how easily I am able to live within my means, even though those means are quite meager (PhD salary).

My budget allows me to spend ~$2,250 per month, plus save $500 to various goals and put away 11% of my salary (8% my contribution, 3% employer contribution) to retirement. When I am not distracted by work and/or nothing major in my life is going on, money-wise, I actually end up saving $300 or so per month of that $2,250, meaning that I could probably live on less than $2K/mo consistently if I were super dedicated.


I feel so lucky when I think of all of those facts, because in no way do I ever feel deprived. I go on vacations when the opportunity arises and I travel to see my family (though admittedly with a ton of help from airmiles!). I never ride the bus anymore, indulging in Ubers and car sharing instead. I live in a furnished apartment that, while not extravagant, is nothing like the sodden, mushroom filled, freezing pitholes that I hear about on the news--I have my own quite large room and a bathtub to relax in, in the perfect location. My commute is less than 5 minutes, walking, door-to-door and I also live practically next door to my best friend in NZ. I buy stuff I want. I eat out. I do exactly as I want, with very little thought to money anymore--my internal checks and balances keep me pretty well on track--and yet I can still reach my financial goals. My existing savings also provide a sense of security.


In a word, I'm very, very comfortable even though I make very little compared to everyone else I know in NZ. I am so very grateful that of all the things I have to worry about, money is not one of them. I can't imagine if I had to worry about that on top of everything else.

Success!

One of my recent posts centres around a South American hostel trying to charge me double what I booked it for. There was a lot of back and forth with the booking website (Hostelworld) and the hostel. However, after a very persuasive plea to the hostel, they finally relented, admitted I was right, and are agreeing to keep my original price. Hurrah!

Do I believe that they will not charge me double upon arrival? I don't know...if another friend joins us in our travels, we'll have to change accommodation anyway and the point will be moot. If she doesn't, though--there is a decision to be made.

In the end, though, the Principle of the Thing won and I feel like I made my point well. Hostelworld, on the other hand, was absolutely no help at all. I don't recommend booking through them!