Letting Go of Someone You Love

It is a very, very sad day today.

I've written before about how my sister has hurt me by making horrible decisions. Last night I found out that she got back together with an ex-boyfriend who is the craziest, most abusive of them all. 

When I came home on my trip, she was with this guy--they had been together for about 3 weeks. The first weekend she was at home to hang out with me, he broke up with her via Facebook. The next day, they get back together, and two weeks later, she is hanging out with me again, and he breaks up with her via text. 

That is bad enough, but get this: the first time he broke up with her via Fbook, he did it right before sleeping with another person. The second time, he did it right after coming on to my sister's roommate, who he had known for 24 hours. 

Then we find out that he is married. She says she wants a divorce and he  won't sign the papers, he says she won't. She says that he cheated on her and physically abused her. 

Guess you know who I believe in that he-said, she-said nonsense. 

Before I left, my sister was about to get together with him for a third time. I lost it. I am already so worried about her re: her weight and diabetes and horrible eating habits, and financial habits, and now she was ready to go back to a known abuser who has only hurt her badly in the 30 days she has known him. I broke down in tears & told her in no uncertain terms that if she kept making bad decisions, I was going to have to distance myself from her and let her go, because I can't just stand there and watch her either eat herself to death, let others take advantage of her, or be completely brain-washed and abused. I was at the end of my rope, and I couldn't do it anymore. Miraculously, this seemed to get through to her. She mentioned that she knew what I was saying was true--she wasn't making the right decision by getting back together with him--and that her eating habits were also horrible and she would do better. 

When I left last Thursday, she was in good spirits, had a firm resolve to never see this guy again, and was making very positive changes in her eating and fitness habits. I was buoyed by her new determination, and felt that she was in a good space. 

Last night, she emailed me to let me know that she had gotten back together with the guy. I laughed, thinking it was a joke, and called her just to make sure. She called today and confirmed that it wasn't a joke. 

So I did the only thing I could do. I told her that everything I said when I was home still stands. I am cutting her out of my life, my only sister, because to not do so is to invite more abuse from her. I would be as bad as she is, going back for more, if I stood by. I feel like I have done absolutely, positively everything I could possibly do to help her. Nothing works. I don't know how to help her, and nothing I do or say will help her until she is ready to help herself. So I have a choice: slowly watch the trainwreck swallow my sister whole and destroy her, or walk away so I don't have to watch it. 

Walking away isn't easy, either, though. I was bawling all day in my work bathroom today because of it. My best friend and only sister is as good as gone. I have faith that it will be easier to write her off now than to see her slowly disintegrate into this life she is choosing to lead, where she lets herself get taken advantage of at every turn and is swayed by every voice in her ear. It hurts so badly either way, but walking away now is the only way I know how to protect myself. I can't hear about it from NZ and feel so helpless anymore. I just can't know what is going on. I have to move on. 

It is very, very painful, but it is the only thing I know how to do at this point.

New Zealanders: AECT Dividend

Hello everyone!

I have a question.  Every year in NZ, we get sort of a rebate on our electricity. It is $320, and payment gets deposited in the account of the person that pays the electric bill. My roommate has only been in the country and my roommate for 3 months. Should she get half of the rebate or 1/4 (3 months of the past 12) of the rebate applied to her bills?

Just wondering what everyone else does, and what you'd suggest. My previous roommate doesn't even live in NZ anymore so I don't have an easy way to get the rest of the money to him.  Even if I did, what should the current roommate get?

How would you deal with this?

Being on TV

Do one thing that scares you every day.  That is a famous saying, and it urges you to live life to the fullest and realize that your fears are mostly unfounded--only you are holding yourself back from greatness.

Well, after today is over, I reserve the right to stay in my comfort zone for the rest of the week!

I am going to be speaking on live television today.

My first time, my debut opportunity, came up yesterday afternoon at work. My boss and several other people weren't available to do the live TV interview this morning, so I shakily volunteered.

I've been so terrified ever since, I can barely eat. Speaking to people I don't know is extremely scary. Speaking to millions of TV viewers is a whole 'nother ball game.

Under normal circumstances, I don't usually speak in meetings with more than 5 people--the potential for humiliation is too great! I avoid this kind of thing at all costs, except when I have to, like for conferences for work.

I know this is good for me, and will help my career, which is why I made myself do it. And why I'm not making an excuse and bowing out today. I need to do this. I can do this.

Oh dear.

More About My Trip

I haven't done a recap of my trip yet. To be honest, it's because it wasn't that exciting! I was gone from August 26 to September 22.

The first week was taken up by Hurricane Irene. Imagine trying to catch up on work and online shopping while your water and power are out for 7 days. Yeah. NOT. HAPPENING. I was so gross. My parents don't have `running water when the electricity goes out; it was awful trying to live like pioneers!

The next Friday through Monday, I drove 4 hours west to see my best friend from college. We hung out with his new puppy for most of the time, ate a nice dinner out, went shopping, watched our favorite shows on TV, and hung out by his pool. I almost burned his apartment down because I couldn't figure out his microwave and put something on 3 minutes instead of 30 seconds! Yikes!

That Tuesday to Thursday, I was back home and trying to finish my shopping.

Friday to Tuesday, I flew to NYC to see two of my best friends from grad school. We did so much! We saw Rent in an off-Broadway production (it was EXCELLENT!) with a friend from high school, went up the Empire State Building (no lines! highly recommend doing this first if you go to NYC--it will help SO much with navigation afterward), checked out Central Park and took a nap there, saw the NY Public Library and their excellent free exhibit, looked around the NYU campus, checked out the Washington Square buskers, went to Coney Island, walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, took a ferry to Staten Island, and ate cannolis in Little Italy. I was at the service on 9/11 and it was very, very emotional. I was interviewed on Australian TV about the day! Monday I had dinner with two work friends from my California life that are now living in New Jersey. It was fantastic to catch up with them, and I finally told people that knew my exBF what happened with us. Not a week later, he tried to IM me via Skype, the first voluntary contact he's made with me since we broke up. Coincidence?

From Tuesday until I left a week and a half later, I basically just finished shopping, had a dentist appointment, tried to lecture my sister about her eating habits, nurtured my sister through three breakups (with the same guy), and tried to get her to realize that she is hurting herself and us so much by not taking care of herself properly. There were several arguments while she was with the guy; he had convinced her that she didn't want to come to NZ to visit me this December, when all of the arrangements had already been made and paid for!!

There was another blow out with my dad, too. I sat beside my mom, holding her hand, while she was on the phone with a debt collector. My dad had taken out a credit card unbeknownst to my Mom, and maxed it out at $10,000. The debt collector was calling because my Dad hadn't paid since June. He also bought a $500 phone without telling my Mom. I don't know why he lies to her so much. He keeps saying that you have to spend money to make money, and that he has all this stuff up for sale that he expects to make money on, but that money NEVER APPEARS. He has said this kind of stuff for the past ten years; he still doesn't get it--he is BROKE. She of course gets angry and hurt from his actions but what can you do? She's taken all of his credit cards and money, but he keeps finding ways around that to hurt her more. I don't know what else to say or do about that to help either one of them. It makes me so sad.

My dad and sister are constant drains on my family and especially my mom. I feel so bad that I am not there to help more.

I noticed lots about myself on this trip, too. I stopped going to see the people that I don't care about on my vacation. Just because I am in town, it doesn't mean I have to see EVERYBODY that once knew me, esp. the ones from my distant past. I am going to prioritize my special people from now on. I also noticed that I don't care about work when I am at home, no matter how much I love it, it just doesn't come into my mind. However, the second I was away from my family and on my way back to NZ, my work love came back with a fervor. Guess I needed a break, and I guess I am right when I say that my family is number one. When they are around, even my passion for work goes away and pales in comparison to my love for them and need to be around them.

I was dreading leaving NZ when I left; I was having so much fun! But home turned out to be much more fulfilling. I am tired of this living for my US trips lifestyle I've been living since moving to NZ. My entire existence depends on being able to go home to the people and things I love. I belong in the US. There are zero doubts about it in my mind right now, and I am just biding my time until a work opportunity comes up there to leave. There is nothing left here in NZ for me, aside from valuable work experience. It is time to 100% focus on getting every little thing I can get out of work and then leave for the US, as quickly as possible.

My Southern US accent came back very intensely while at home. During college, I tamed it to reduce ridicule, and I've been able to slowly reduce it except when drinking or very tired or when saying a few certain words ever since. But not so this time! I couldn't control it; I think being away from a 'normal' American accent here in NZ (most of my US friends here have southern accents) has made it harder for me to modify it in my head. That was fun, though. I wonder if it will continue to be ultra-Southern here in NZ?

Hanging out with friends who are my own age was so fulfilling, too. Everyone I hang out with in NZ is much younger, as much as ten years so. It is hard to be around them, and I didn't realize how hard until I hung out with my same-age US friends. People my age are struggling with the same issues I am; they understand. The younger people in NZ can't relate to me and I am tired of feeling like the old aunt, dispensing advice. I am also tired of drinking. My US friends literally never even broached the topic of a drink; it just wasn't necessary. The younger NZ friends (also from the US, so this isn't a culture thing; this is an age-difference thing) wouldn't dream of going to dinner and not getting a drink with it. Drinking is exhausting in NZ; it is the social center around which we all revolve. It was so nice to catch up with people who are in the same place as me that would rather have a good time without it. SO NICE.

So, I've connected with my roots again and am more convinced than ever that I need to leave as soon as I can bear to leave my job. We will see what happens!

Financial Update

I transferred $332 NZD to USD (~$250 USD) for Chase bill; applied the August overage of $491.74 to Vanguard fund fund; $20.47 in interest added to vanguard fund as well, for a total of $960.34. I'm nearly a quarter to my 2011 financial goal of buying a $3K Vanguard fund to start my non-retirement taxable investment account!

So Far, So Good!

With a huge sigh of relief from me, my luggage arrived today, a day late but none the less intact. The only problem was that a tube of my bronzer leaked into my toiletry bag, but that was easily cleaned up.

I've put away all of my carefully selected items already, and can't wait to start wearing some of my new clothes! It feels so great to be stocked up for another year:

Quite the haul: so many over the counter medicines (Advil, Nyquil, Advil PM, allergy pills, motion sickness pills,  cough pills,  etc), underwear, makeup, toothbrushes, and lotions to count!

Five new pair of pants, Lucky Brand jeans; Banana Republic pants, Express pants, and NY&Co pants. All fit so well that I did not need to get them tailored. Love it!

Marshall's and Rugged Wearhouse provided the new work shirts. Great colors,  great fit. 

Not pictured here: 15 cotton t shirts I bought for $5 or less from Wal-Mart. Many were $3. I had no idea that place was such a gold mine for (throw-away) clothes! I usually avoid WM for clothes altogether, but I found so many shirts that I could mix and match for so cheap it was ridiculous. I like that I can use these cheap shirts as fillers to my wardrobe, keeping my nicer new shirts for more special occasions. Then, next year as these shirts get torn, stained, etc., I can buy a whole new set for $50!

Also not shown: electronics. New mp3 player, new netbook, new camera, two new large capacity external hard drives. Six pair of shoes: sturdy hiking boots, Merrell walking shoes, brown closed-toe wedge heels, black heels, brown flats, Adidas running shoes.

Total spent: $1,882.53. Next year I expect to have to buy quite a bit less, mostly because my electronics have all been upgraded now. I'm hoping I don't have to replace anything major for a few years!

Tallying Up the Vacation Damage

I'm working on my total travel expenses and August and September budgets for ya and the blog while I'm too sleepy to do anything that requires moving a part of my body that isn't my eyes and fingers, but (out of necessity) too awake in an attempt to ward off the jet lag monster. I did a great job keeping track of everything, so it really isn't that taxing. (haha, get it? taxing? and I'm talking about money stuff? Oh, to sleep...)

I had a credit card, my fave new one, Chase Sapphire Preferred, that I had to spend $3K on in order to get 50K airmile points, and I can now check that off my list. The balance on that card is now roughly $3500 and change.

I had $3400 USD to spend on my Wish List Items. I ended up buying as many Wish List Items as I could stand, but I still didn't hit them all.

What ended up happening was that I used that $3400 USD to pay for every travel expense, as well as Wish List Items. It worked really well. Plus, I knew that I had my normal income from August and September to play with if need be.

It looks like I spent a total of $3,764.80 US, with probably $50 that I either missed by paying in cash, or just missed due to negligence. So, $3,800 USD is a pretty accurate estimate of what I spent.

I have ~$3200 USD in my US Checking account to pay my $3,448.39 Chase bill, a bill-vs-checking deficit of ~$250 USD. There is some fudge-y-ness in these amounts because: a) I didn't charge every expense, and b) in some instances, I paid for everyone in my group and they paid me cash, so the cash doesn't show up in my checking account--it is physical money, in my wallet.

I have $824 NZD left over from August's budget. That will more than make up the difference to pay my Chase bill.

September is looking to be in even better shape: it is a three paycheck month, and I've only spent money on rent, electricity, internet, savings, and the grocery shopping I did today: a total spending of $1,536.09, with $3,438 leftover for Sept. September is almost over, too, so I'm sitting pretty there.

I love my life!

Trying To Beat the Lag

I just got into Auckland again from the US (arrived at my house around 12:30 pm)! I need to stay awake so that my body doesn't go into sleep from 3 pm - 12 am mode.  So...I'm posting today what is probably going to be laughable tomorrow.

I've gone grocery shopping already, so I don't have many more errands left to do that I can do on a Saturday. It is a gorgeous day out, though, so I kind of want to walk around. But to where? In my stupor, nowhere interests me. Plus, the Rugby World Cup is going on right now, and Auckland is the busiest I've ever seen it!! Just people everywhere, traffic backed up, buses late (oh wait, that's normal), and flags flying with pride. The city definitely has a buzz about it that wasn't there when I left.

I can't shop, because...let me tell it to you straight: I shopped MY ASS OFF when I was in the US. I am so tired and exhausted and bored and awful awful awful of shopping right now. I will never do that again with my vacation! It may seem like the ultimate first-world problem, but it was really really stressful and took up every spare second I had.

On the other hand, I'm very satisfied with the haul I got. All 96 pounds of it fit into my two suitcases. I was very proud of that. My new luggage scale works perfectly!

But all that shopping and packing may all be for naught. My two suitcases are missing, thanks to the mechanical failure and two ensuing missed flights that occurred in the past day, traveling from the East Coast to NZ. What if all $3500 USD of my newly bought belongings are missing forever, or worse: stolen by an underhanded baggage attendant? That is my worst nightmare...cross your fingers that my hard-won stuff gets back to me (only if there is time left after tending to much less superficial matters, of course).

Vacation

A little update...

I've been away for 3 weeks. I don't feel like I've been on vacation at all though--no relaxing, no stopping to smell the roses*.  Hurricane Irene blew through a day after I got here, and I lost a whole week due to that nonsense. I tried to work through that but it slowed things way way down and was very unpleasant, wandering around in the dark and taking cold showers.

In that 3 weeks, basically all I've done is SHOP. Doesn't sound that bad, right? Well, I put lots of pressure on myself to find things that I will actually use AND are on sale or preferably, at an extreme discount. I've just updated my spending logs, and I've spent a little over $3,400 USD. I allocated $3400 to spending, so I'm OK with that, and still have my normal monthly income to supplement the next week--I had $849 left over for August, and September will nearly be over by the time I get back to NZ. I haven't been able to find everything on my Wish List, but I have made a very good dent in it! The only things left that I need to find are:


              1.     silver leaf necklace

2.     brown flats, very comfortable

3.      brown satchel purse, long strap to cross over body

2.      interview suit (pants, jacket, skirt)--2012

3.      going out shirts x 3

4.     tennis skirt/shorts

5.      closed toe black pumps

6.       brown leather boots, knee, with buckles, flats or very very comfortable low heel

7.      boat shoes or penny loafers

8.      white shirt

9.     comfy black shoes with broad heel—going out (replacements)

4.     balaclava, or some other neck/face covering for skiing

5.     new backpack

6.     ski goggles

 (sorry for the terrible formatting, I'm cutting and pasting from various categories in my spreadsheet, and yes, I have a spreadsheet for my shopping list!) Some of these items will have to be put off until next year--I don't have time to find an interview suit and get it tailored, for example--and some of these items just aren't available to me (ski goggles). Mostly, though, I need to concentrate on getting the shoes: brown flats, black work pumps, and black 'going out' shoes. It is proving impossible.

The great thing is that I check my NZ bank accounts and behold such glorious-ness as 7 deposits and only one  debit since August 26!! Two paychecks, 3 garage rental incomes, and 1 roommate bill payment. My rent payment is the lone debit. Gotta love it!

*but don't feel bad for me: 2011 has also held: 1) a few days in Sydney after a work trip there, 2) a 2 week trip around the East Coast of Australia, 3) a ski trip for my birthday, 4) a New Year's trip to New Plymouth, 5) a few days in Wellington and Dunedin after work trips to both of those places, 6) a Northland trip over Easter...and probably more that I forgot. 2011 still holds: a fun work trip to Nelson, where my friends and I will travel around to Christchurch afterward, and a trip around the South Island and parts of the North Island with my mom and sister and almost a week around Australia with them too.).

NYC

This weekend I head to New York City for the third time in my life. The first was over New Year's Eve, just after the attacks ten years ago, and I stayed in my friend's apartment overlooking Ground Zero, which had 24-7 crews onsite, sifting through the wreckage and cleaning up. The second was probably 5 years ago, and I stayed in another friend's apartment and just hung out, exploring the city. This time I'll be staying with yet another friend who lives just outside of NYC in New Jersey. It is very easy to access NYC from her apartment, so we'll be spending all of our free time in the city, seeing Broadway shows and the usual New York-y things.

I am a bit scared to go to NYC on this significant anniversary, but it couldn't be helped--this was literally the ONLY weekend in a 5 month period where my 3 friends and I were all free to meet up. Not going would let the terrorists win, right?

At least I've finally gotten my will and everything together in case something happens--everything should be in order. That was Financial Goal #7 for 2011, and I'm relieved it is done. Cross your fingers everything goes smoothly for the US this weekend, please!

HURRICANE!

I have been dying to post, but it has been a crazy few weeks. A day after I arrived in the US, Hurricane Irene hit us square in the jaw, knocking our lights out. (Literally...that wasn't entirely a joke. :)) No electricity = no water and no internet, as we are in the boonies.

Electricity wasn't restored for five long, arduous days. I felt like I was camping, but without the fun stuff. It reached 90 F with 80% humidity in the house most days.

Internet was just restored yesterday, over a week after the storm interrupted service. It was a mad house down here!

In my spare time, I've been shopping. Luckily, the mall either didn't lose power at all or it was the first to be restored. I've spent the most money at Target...I don't know how they stay in business when I'm not around!