Not technically finance, but definitely personal.
Recently a study came out that cites that 50% of PhDs experience psychological distress, and 1 in 3 develop or have a psychological disorder. Here is an article on it, if you're stuck behind a paywall.
I'll just come out and say it: I am a statistic now, definitely one of the 50%. I feel like I'm just coming out of a huge funk (depression?) that started over 2 years ago (buckle up, this is long):
It started in early 2015, when one of my supervisors issued an ultimatum: get X amount of data, or you don't get to go to a workshop necessary to complete your PhD successfully, nor a conference nearby just after the workshop. His basic attitude is that conferences are a waste of money and I should never go. I have the exact opposite philosophy, and view them as necessary tools to network, develop valuable collaborations, get better at presenting, and see what inspiring work is being done. Plus, conferences are both a carrot and huge motivational boost for me, and the networking is how I will get a job post-PhD.
He also has done and said a number of things that are really condescending and disrespectful, such as not showing up to set meetings, commenting to colleagues (in my presence) that I am a troublesome or terrible student, and demanding that I sign up for a certain presentation and proposal deadlines, only to disappear when I need him to make edits or critique my presentation. There is NEVER any encouragement, only pressure and deadlines and demands and disappearing acts. It's ongoing, and a problem. I've always told myself I'm lucky to have him, because many of the other supervisors in my department sexually harass their students or steal their data and publish it under their own names. He is, unfortunately, the best of the worst.
We have been at odds ever since that first ultimatum. In 2015, I worked 30 hour weekends, gave up every hobby I had, was stressed out constantly (to the point of weekly, then daily, migraines), and had little friend time for about 8 months to meet that ultimatum, only to have him say it wasn't enough and demand that I do even more work which, (in hindsight) was completely unnecessary--but as a newbie grad student, I had no idea, so went along with it.
He asked to be promoted to my primary supervisor after that, and I said no, we obviously have some major issues we need to resolve (prior to the conference, I told him I had had ENOUGH pressure, and he still kept on, until he witnessed me break down in tears at the conference). I offered to talk them out and see where we could compromise. He refused and said he didn't want to talk about it.
He has mentioned before about how every student of his gets depression. GEE. I wonder why. He states this like he is proud of it, like he is happy that he drives students so hard that they get depressed. It is a badge of honor for him.
So, in 2016, I started taking a vested interest in my health and spend less time on the PhD, because I didn't want to become like his other students and get depression, and he backed off for some reason (probably because I said no to his supervisory promotion request). I did the bare minimum of work I had to do for the PhD (which was quite a lot, actually), but nothing more. I was burnt out, I had lost my passion, and anyway, we moved office buildings and I actually was banned from doing labwork at all for the last half of the year. I avoided him as much as possible, because seeing him always de-motivated me and cost me several days of work, and because he always has some remark to make to me about how I'm not working hard enough (weird).
In 2016, I focused on my health but still didn't have the energy to start up my hobbies again. I start seeing friends again but several move away, so I lose those normal contacts. I also got severely rejected by a guy I liked and gave up on taking actions to find a life partner, which was a huge change for me.
Then in late 2016, Trump wins the election and things start to go down hill even further. 2017 dawns, and my best friend was a complete jerk to me. We don't talk for the next 3 months. Trump becomes inaugurated and I witness what I feel are intense attacks on everything I hold dear. People are talking nuclear war. I become incredibly worried about the state of the US, and start calling my congresspeople every day and marching and organising. On top of that, my dad has been in and out of the emergency room for pain. I develop insomnia from all the worries. The migraines start to come back.
At work, in early January I again make a plan to go to a conference later this year, and sketch out exactly how I'm going to do it and make a timeline for my supervisors, to show that I know what I am doing, have a great handle on the work required, and that I know how to pace myself so that I don't get burnt out like I did the first time.
Bad Supervisor goes behind my back, meets with Good, Primary Supervisor, and demands that I not get to go to the conference unless I again do an insane amount of work (way over and above the work I had planned in my timeline). He convinces her that since I hadn't gotten any data, I was slacking (even though I was banned from the lab due to the office move and safety rules until basically last month and therefore unable to get any data).
I am now going to have to confront him about everything. Confrontation makes me extremely stressed out, and he somehow twists all my words around to make me confused, so I know I have an uphill and uncomfortable battle ahead of me.
I'm thinking of quitting my PhD because of him. This is sad, because I LOVE research, I LOVE my project, and I LOVE learning. I know I am a good student when I have good supervision. But I also know that I'm not a good student when depressed.
So now I realize that I am actually depressed, and have been, since that intense period of work in 2015. I've been in denial about it, because admitting it somehow means, to me, that I have given him the power to affect me. That somehow I wasn't strong enough to overcome his influence, even though he explicitly stated that he somehow attracts students that get depressed. I really, really didn't want to become another one, prove him right, and give him another thing to be proud of--e.g., he drove another one to mental distress.
But I have to admit it now--I'm depressed. The PhD started it and is the major driver of it:
- A lot of days I can barely get out of bed. I've had to take a TON of sick days.
- It is a miracle if I talk to another human most days. I avoid people because I feel like I have to either lie ("I'm doing great!") or bum them out with how I am really feeling. I don't want to be a downer for anyone, and most of the time, I'm so exhausted from being bummed out and having the same thoughts over and over again, the last thing I want to do is talk to someone else about them and rehash all the feelings.
- I work from home a lot, and end up napping or giving up on what I'm working on because I'm so tired. Doing PhD work reminds me that I have to confront him about his terrible supervision, so I avoid it as much as possible.
- I put off PhD work, yet somehow get my normal job work done quickly, well, and on time. AND I enjoy doing it, whereas I abhor the PhD work because of the way it makes me feel.
- I don't have any hobbies. Part of the reason I haven't started up any hobbies again is that I don't have any energy, and the other part is because I would feel guilty having a hobby when I know I'm putting in the bare minimum of time on my PhD. I'm really ashamed that I haven't been working hard enough, even though I KNOW I've done everything that I'm capable of doing right now. #downwardspiral
The good news is that I think I'm starting to feel better: confronting my best friend about his jerk-moves last week and getting that off of my plate helped--I wake up in good moods sometimes now, and feel more at peace, even though we may never speak again (time will tell, but I'll be OK either way). My yearly main goals of fixing my sleeping schedule and moving around more are part of trying to feel better. I'm committed to leaving the house every day. I read somewhere that taking a walk for 21 min/day boosts the mood, so I'm trying to do that. I completed a free therapy course that gave me tools to combat some of my issues. I have a plan to see a therapist if things start going downhill again.
Life feels a little bit easier now, but it's not over. Getting that supervisor confrontation done with has GOT to happen soon.
Day by day, inch by inch.
