Notes to Self

I organise and lead/attend a lot of meetings, holding a dual role as admin as well as active participant. (It's a hard line to straddle--sometimes I am the electronics tech, getting the AV system up and running, sometimes I am voicing my opinion on whether or not to move our project website to a self-hosted URL and giving the latest science to decision-makers so they can completely overhaul public law/policy. And then I go back to pouring people tea. It's an odd feeling.)

In any case, while the meetings are occurring, in addition to my many responsibilities, I also keep mental notes on what is going well and what is not, and write them down for next time. For example, did we have enough food? Too much food? The wrong kind of food? Is my boss happy? Was getting here 30 minutes early enough? How many people showed up that RSVP'd? That didn't RSVP (grrrrr)? What could be done better?

My nature is to take notes so that I improve and do better in the future. So, here are my thoughts and regrets for this vacation (I often feel this way after each of my US vacations):

1. It was good that the internet didn't work at home most of the time. The absence of internet forced me to go elsewhere to Skype my friends, who I'd like to talk/curse in private with, anyway. I could be completely honest without worrying I was offending my parents/sister. It also made me read more books/talk to my family/go to bed earlier. I should make a rule to Skype elsewhere and not use the internet after 11 pm when I am at home.
2. I wish I'd spent more time talking with my Dad. He is not looking good and is very very ill. If I get another chance to see him I need to carve out some time every day to chat to him (and ask him a question about his life). He is the last living relative I can ask stories about that side of my family.
3. I helped my family clean up their house. I really wish I'd been more organised and gotten more done on this, but I forgive myself for taking it easier than I could have. I am on vacation, not here to do work and be productive.
4. By about three weeks in, I started to really relax. This last week has been wonderful, with me being 100% able to enjoy the moments I have to myself. I could experiment with other ways to get me to this relaxed state quicker...no checking email, full stop (I spent time to delete the spam during this vacation); taking more road trips, exploring, talking/seeing more friends? Work is always at the back of my mind, pushing through when I get inspired, but I have been able to calm the storm down to a dull roar as of late.
5. I wish I'd woken up earlier/gone to the beach/gotten outside more. Next trip, I need to pencil in time to be outside every week. I found a pool nearby to go hang out at for next year! Bonus points if I can combine social/outside time.
6. I wish I'd seen my friends earlier in my trip. Spending quality time with friends/family really gives me a sense of time off/vacation. The solo things I do to relax (TV, internet, reading) are not always the things that make me happiest. I want to learn when it's good to be by myself to recharge (true introversion!) and when I'm just avoiding talking to people because it seems too hard (laziness/fear of making an idiot of myself/unwilling to break my routine). There IS a difference, and I use my introversion as an excuse not to socialize a LOT/too much. I need to learn that, as an introvert, one on one time with a good friend is relaxing 99% of the time. And most of the time, I find much more life value in a good, long chat with a friend over dinner than I do just hanging out by myself. Time with family/friends (IF QUALITY, i.e., not small talk, not skimming the surface, but being real) is always worth getting over my fear of looking like an idiot/breaking my routine/the social anxiety. That isn't to say my time reading by myself wasn't worth it, but I could recognize when I'm fully recharged and can put the book down and make myself talk to and connect with other people, which I find vastly more rewarding than spending lots of time by myself.
7. I do too much shopping. I haven't found a way to streamline this yet! Shopping is super annoying but I put a lot of pressure on myself to stock up for the coming year, especially in regards to clothes. I now should have all the basics that I need. I want to start collecting quality, classic pieces that will last me for a long time. This trip, I got a classic black rain/trench coat. It was over $100 but I love it and it pulls me together very nicely. I can wear it alone in the summer, or layer fleece underneath to make it warmer in the winter. And Lord knows I can use a rain jacket in Auckland! Next challenges: 
1. finding nice comfy flats--closed toe shoes I can wear with skirts or shorts to work
2. finding unique pieces that I love and that look good on me, to show my style. I have a ton of basics but nothing that shows off my quirks. I've been great at not buying pieces that are not quality and do not look perfect on me as-is. I could look into getting a tailor...
8. I need to realize THIS IS MY LIFE. I keep thinking, "I can really start my life when..." whatever happens. But that isn't how it works. Time goes by so freaking fast. And I have wasted so much of it! I abhor feeling that way. I want to live a life where I feel like I've eked out as much value as I possible could have. And I do not feel that way 99% of the time. It kills me.
9. I cannot expect so much from my sister. At worst, she is an example of why I cannot have children--if my child had the same affliction she does, I could not cope with the guilt of having knowingly passed along those genes, and could also not deal with her behaviour as a parent. I also cannot be expected to take care of my sister AND a child (once my parents pass, she will be my sole responsibility). She is damaged in a way that I am now just realizing and accepting is unrecoverable, at least unless an absolute miracle happens. I have to stop expecting so much from her, only to get disappointed time and time again. This trip has been awful in regards to that. She is entitled, thinks I owe her money and things (because I am "rich" and she is unable to hold down a job like she wants to and spends money as soon as it hits her hands), is argumentative and selfish, demands me to buy her things, and is unable to figure out when she needs to stand up for herself and when she should let things go. She also, at 34, wets the bed, creates a mess everywhere she goes, is oblivious to social norms, and is unable to function on a very basic adult level by herself. Suggestions fall on deaf ears, and she immediately gets defensive, accuses me of some wrong-doing, and says I'm trying to start an argument. She is effectively an odd combination of adult--old enough to smoke and ruin her life, a toddler--she has an amazing capacity to destroy order and create messes oblivious to repercussions, and a teenager--self-entitled, bratty, and unrealistic. This is just how it is. I cannot change her or help her. I need to get more distance from her, especially when she baits me into arguments by attacking me when she is the one that did something unacceptable and I want to discuss it. It just seems that my lot in life is to be alone. For me, this is the hardest thing about her illness to accept, that I will have no one that I can count on once my parents are gone. No unconditional love, no safety net, I will have no one but myself. She just isn't someone that I can count on, emotionally or in any other manner that matters. Thinking about all of this makes me so incredibly sad, but that is just how it is. I probably need some therapy to accept it all.
10. Oh! and I got a full 70 lb in my luggage for free on my return trip. I can't figure out the rules there. I was fully prepared to pay $100 for the extra weight, but when I rocked up to the counter, they said there was no fee. May have been due to my credit card use/air mile use or maybe that is because of my overseas travel. Whatever it is, Yay! I should have also bought a new luggage bag and gotten another 50 lb for $35, but that's OK.

All in all, it has been an OK trip. I have gotten some of my intended tasks done, the most important of which was to recover from the past 6 months of PhD hell. I am finally relaxed and motivated again. I've even started working out again, something I have resisted for whatever reason. I have spent time on Skype with a few people, and spent time with people I hold most dear. I could do more of that next time, I think! Not having work to do while at home REALLY helps. There is another post in here about all the guilt I feel normally. Guilt = stress...but I'll go spend some time with my family now.

Finally

Stress is such a killer. After my stress-icane and near-meltdown, it has taken me three full weeks of doing nothing to start to feel like my old self again. I had ALL THE PLANS for when I was on vacation for 4.5 weeks: review finances, will, etc; work out all the time; eat healthy all the time; see a million people and go a million places; read a ton of electronics manuals to better use them; learn how to speed read and do the splits...a ton of things I've been wishing I had the time to do the past few months.

Yet...I have done almost NONE of those things. Just couldn't bring myself to do them! I'd think about it, and another day would pass as I did nothing instead. Mostly, I've been sleeping. I was in London with a friend a day after all of my work obligations finished, and we were out seeing the sights when a horrible feeling came over me. Headache-y, malaise, lethargy, stomach-ache, very very low energy. When it persisted even after eating delicious cake and scones, I had to cut our day short to go lay down for a few hours. I felt horrible for wasting time with my friend like that, but it had to be done. I was burnt out.

And this carried over until about today. I have just been sleeping, eating food my parents or friends bought or cooked for me, watching some HGTV, reading a TON of fun books, lazing about in the sun, shopping, and helping my mom throw away things/organise her house full of hoarded items. :) I visited with and chatted with a few friends over Skype and in person, too. But literally...that is all I've done for the past three weeks. I feel like a total slob and slacker. I'd honestly be OK with me doing so much of nothing if I were eating healthy and working out, but I haven't been.

All that just tells me: Man, did I ever need this break. I finally am starting to feel like my old self again, finally feel like DOING things again. Finally am a tiny bit motivated, just for a few hours today. Not a lot, but a bit. Hence this post.

I feel really resentful of my PhD now. Fact: I was so happy with my work prior to starting the PhD. Fact: I had almost no problems at work before it began. Fact: I am now miserable and have a ton of work problems.

I really do not want to go back to NZ if my life is going to be miserable the entire time I'm doing a PhD. I love the work but absolutely hate the time pressure, and the unnecessary psychological pressure my supervisor puts on me. Because even if I KNOW I'm doing OK, I'm making good progress, I'm doing fine, him asking me for the next bit of results and him being so concerned about my progress fills me with the worst anxiety I've ever felt. I go into absolute panic mode inside and vow subconsciously to never feel that way again, so then just feel guilty if I do ANYTHING other than my PhD. Sleeping, eating, friend-seeing, and working out all becomes optional when I feel like that. I KNOW it's bad, I KNOW I shouldn't feel like that, but I do anyway.

And everyone just tells me that is how PhD's are: you SHOULD feel like you are only sleeping 3 hours and working. All the academics I talk to say this is 'normal,' 'that is how it should be,' ' you should be working all the time!' when I even mention being overwhelmed. No one (other than my friends/family) encourages me to take care of myself in response to me saying I feel like I can't breathe sometimes/I am drowning. It's not unusual to feel this way; what is unusual is academia's response to the vocalisation of this feeling.

Instead, the system/the MAN just puts more and more pressure on me to perform. I don't know how to work with that feeling in a healthy manner. I honestly don't. I meet expectations: that is who I am and what I do. Right or wrong, I feel like I must sacrifice everything to feel like I'm working to the max. Even when it is detrimental to the rest of me.

Is there such a thing as a healthy PhD? And how do I get rid of the guilt for doing things to take care of myself when the system is set up to make sure you constantly feel it??

Time to Use My Sanity Fund

Given my state of mind prior to my trip, I am officially enacting the Sanity Sense Clause. I don't think I have ever been that stressed out for that long of a time period. I've certainly been for a few days, maybe a week, but for months? Nope. And I can't allow that to happen again.

The problem is that it was out of my hands. My PhD supervisor had never seen one of his students give a talk before, so he was freaking out and trying to put all sorts of complicated stuff into my talk, with me having no idea what any of it was. I wasn't in a position to pull together a talk on my own quite yet, so I was bound to his judgment, which was 100% ridiculous and way over the top. And don't get me started on his feedback once the nightmare was over. Unacceptable.

But that is another story for another day. The solution to the problem is certainly up to me and me alone to manage. He can never be in charge of my progress or talks or mental health ever again, because he has proven that a) he doesn't listen to me when I say I've reached my limit, multiple times, b) he doesn't care where my comfort levels are, he just cares about how he is perceived, and c) his expectations are beyond anything anyone could call reasonable. He admitted that all of his other students end up depressed. And even my other supervisor has said that he needs to majorly relax. 

So when I get back, I'm going to be dipping into my $5K PhD Sanity Fund to make a bunch of changes to my life.

1. I need to go see a therapist/life coach. 

2. I desperately need to work out on the regular. I'm getting back into tennis and running again.

3. I need to see a physio regularly and maybe a doctor, too. My body is reacting to the pressure in very weird ways.

4. I need to see a dermatologist. Major stress = major eczema. 

5. I may hire a maid. Eff cleaning when I'm so busy!

6. Ditto on hiring a cook or getting meals delivered for the week. I could buy a freezer maybe. I need to eat better.

6. I am going to Chile in April. Supervisor doesn't get a say, because he will always say no.

7. I'm going to take a public speaking course. I desperately need to feel more confident up there. It's my most feared part of the PhD.

8.  I have to make weekends sacred, and schedule in friend time and friends/family Skype time. If I need to buy this time somehow, I will do it (see: hire a maid).

9. I have got to meet more people and start dating regularly again. This means more time/money spent on looking nice and going out.

I want my life back!!

Spreading the Sunshine

Tagged by Revanche a while ago...here are my answers, now that I have some free time again!

1. What’s the best thing you’ve purchased or been given in the past six months?

A plane ticket to Europe and then on to home, through work. :)

2. What’s your favorite snack? (No one gets to say fruit.)

White cheddar popcorn--my ultimate weakness. I have been known to ship it from the US to NZ at great expense.

3. What form of exercise do you hate the most. (“All” is a perfectly acceptable answer.)

Running. I also love it the most, though, and see the most benefit from it of any other form of exercise. The runner's high is real, y'all!

4. If you could afford/manage to live anywhere, where would it be?

Back to Hawaii! :) Or maybe just back to San Diego. Year round sunny weather and fish tacos? Yes and yes. For a short stint, I'd love to live in Prague for a while. I loved that city and could hang out there for ~6 months as a base for the rest of my European travels, easy. 

5. What’s the geekiest hobby or pastime you have?

Well, this money saving thing, of course. But I was in colorguard in my younger days, and can spin a mean baton or flag when given the opportunity...