2012 Non-Financial Goals

I'm still on the hunt for simple, daily-or-regularly scheduled activities that have a lasting impact on your health or happiness or wealth, like flossing. Small changes that do BIG things: ten minutes a day or less in exchange for huge changes or gaining YEARS of your life later. What other kinds of activities are like that?  I'm looking for answers, but I do the following:

1) eat breakfast every day.
2) Wear SPF every day.
3) floss every night.
4) track my daily spending.
5) Walk to/from work every day (about 30 min. total).

The video below is a good example of the kind of thing I'm looking for:



Along the same vein, there are small habits that, if not done, are very harmful to you in the long run. My main one, identified by my nutritionist recently?

I don't eat enough. Or, rephrased, I don't take any breaks during the work day. 

I need to concentrate on rectifying that this year. Other non-financial goals...kind of a to-do list for 2012:

Organization, Efficiency, and Obligations:

1. Back up computer when I go home mid-year and at Christmas. (Dec.)
2. Make recipe book (or Word doc, really) of meals. (Nov.)
3. Get dental checkup and cleaning. (scheduled April 29)
4. Get eye appointment checkup.
5. File US taxes in April. Done March 27.
6. Organize music to transfer to new mp3 player. Update: May 2012: read the entire manual cover to cover, solved the radio issue, solved the playlist issue. Next step: transferring playlists and audiobooks to mp3.
7. Learn how to use my camera. (Oct.)
8. Buy a smartphone and use it to keep track of my goals and schedule. (Oct.)

Learning and Improvement:

1. Learn 3 new good recipes for my rotation. (Nov.)
2. Check out audio tape of german or spanish from the library.
3. Take career-enhancing class or workshop.
4. Get a new hobby. Joined a knitting circle.
5. Take a basic cooking course. (Nov.)

Social and Fun:  

1. Make 2 new friends (phone number and making plans after initial or several encounters.)  Done May 2012
2. Go out on 1 date. (??? :))
3. Suggest 6 tennis games. (???)
4. Suggest 3 game nights. (April 2012, ???)

Health, Fitness and Appearance:

1. Take three short breaks during each work day. Stop immediately when I get hungry or need to use the bathroom! Try setting a timer? May 2012: I set my alarm on my phone and one or two times a week, it actually works. Still settling into my new job, so hopefully if I make this a habit it will stick.
2. Try a gluten-free diet for one week. (Dec.)
3. Finish my 1.5 L bottle of water a day. (Nov.)
4. Devote 1 hour a day to working out. May 2012: saving up for the membership fee. (Nov.)
5. Moisturize and use SPF daily! This is a habit.
6. Go to dermatologist. (Nov./Dec.)
7. Hire a personal trainer. (Dec.)
8. Floss daily. this is a habit.
9. Use mouthwash daily.  this is a habit.
10. Get 8-10 hours of quality sleep a night. (Nov.)
11. Eat breakfast every day. this is a habit.
12. Dress up once per week. (Nov.)
13. Bleach teeth! (???)
14. Make a 'look book' for myself. (???)
15. Only buy quality clothes that flatter.
16. Go to a natural healing doctor; get adrenal fatigue checked out. (???)
17. Test drive new healthy lifestyle for a few months before starting any medication. (???)

Mental Health, Spirituality, and Quality of Life:

1. Write in gratitude journal once a week. (Oct.)
2. Get back to my 15 minute method. (Oct.)
3. Take more showers instead of baths. (Nov.)
4. Work in a walk or other break in my work day. (Oct.)
5. Make an appointment with a therapist to address issues that are holding me back at work (extreme anxiety about public speaking) and in my personal life (family, dating, avoidance). (Dec.)

Career:
     1. Ask for a promotion and a raise at my performance review. Promotion = I get to pass on more administrative duties to entry-level employees and do more science, and possibly get to manage an entry-level employee full-time. (That will never happen but I will ask!)
1. Keep a job while looking for one on the East Coast of the US near my parents. Secured through April 2013.
2. Talk to my boss about the next step for my career in the US. (Dec/2013)

New Career Goals, in new job:
    1. Ask for a raise to compensate for all of my new duties. Achieved! April 2012
    2. Ask colleagues to recommend transition occupations when moving to the US. Make it clear what I want to do and where I want to do it so they may contact their colleagues and spread the word about me. (2013)
    3. Get more experience with speaking engagements, leading field trips, education (all ages), writing press releases, granting TV and radio and print interviews:
    4. Teach at 4 schools:
        Scheduled for May 18 and May 22;
    5. Grant 3 TV interviews.
    6. Grant 2 radio interviews.
    7. Write 2 press releases or print interviews. October 2012
    8. Submit 3 manuscripts. (April update: 1 done.)
    9. Take a media training course.
    10. Take a science education course.
    11. Give 2 undergraduate lectures.
    12. Read 1 book about public speaking, or take Toastmasters course.
    13. Learn 3 new lab or field skills.
              Scheduled: Lab: ZS, EM, RF.
    14. Join emergency management team.

Some of these are goals that were not met in 2011. Some are new. I think they all will help me with my over-arching goal to feel like I'm living my life to the fullest, the healthiest, best way that I can manage.

I like to have one goal to focus on each year, but I am torn between these two:

Work out an hour every day.
Take three breaks every day.

I could possibly combine the two by walking during my breaks, but my nutritionist strongly suggested that I need to eat more during my workday, so those breaks probably need to be used by snacking on something. Possibly I could snack and walk?? I tend to ignore my bodily needs when I'm working--I work through any pain or hunger--and I'm not sure why I do this. Part of it is that I just totally zone out while working--I get 100% absorbed in whatever it is that I'm doing--and am so completely focused that I forget time. This happens nearly every day (time flies when you're having fun!). That part is awesome, and why I love my job so much, but the corollary downside is that I just forget to eat or go to the bathroom or rest my eyes or whatever it is! That is not good! I think I may set my phone alarm to go off three times a day and force myself into a 15 min. break away from my computer whenever it goes off. Any tips? 

Double Rent: Is this what the EF is for?

When I envisioned using my EF, I thought that a major catastrophe would have occurred: a fire wiping out all of my belongings, a death that I needed to rush back home for. Not this!

I put up my roommate ad over two weeks ago and I have gotten...zero hits. ZERO. How is that even possible?!

My email address is working, because I had a friend test it out for me. Just, no one is interested in viewing my apartment!! Over 400 people have viewed my ad, and 11 have put it on their 'watchlist' on Trademe. Over 300 people have clicked on my ad on Gumtree. But none have actually texted, called, or emailed me to look at my apartment.

I don't get it. I used the same ad as before, and have always gotten a decent number of hits, and at least one or two very cool people to choose between.

My roommate moved out today, and there is no one to take her place. No one to even show the apartment to! I am hoping this is just a pre-Christmas holidays lull going on, and that things will pick up in the New Year. But I have 4 rent payments to make before then...double my usual amount. I'm going to end up spending $2800 in rent this month. That almost equals my take-home salary!

OUCH.

Stupid Bank of America

Again with the fees!  I thought they had decided to scrap that new fee, but I looked on my statement recently,  and my balance was much lower than it should have been. $12 lower, to be exact (I keep the minimum in my checking account and just use it as a vehicle to pay my US credit cards, which are awesome because they give me airmiles and points for gift cards). I looked in the description line, and all it said was 'Account fee'. WTF?!

I read the fine print, and I think they have changed the rules. It mentions that I have to have a 'qualifying transfer' of $250 or more every statement cycle, or I get charged $12. The weird thing is, it says the rules changed back in May 2011, and I just started getting charged for this in November.

The rules used to state that there just needed to be one transfer every statement cycle, like from a salary or social security pension payment--didn't matter how much.

Luckily, many others have found a way to get around this without having to have a salary deposited into their account. Transfers from ING or HSBC or another online bank count as an 'ACH transfer', and satisfy this requirement. So for the past 3.5 years, I've automated my savings and had $1 transferred to and from my ING account every month. Yes, the same $1. An easy fix in order to keep my American checking account open for free.

Now, all I have to do is up that $1 to $250 a month. So I lose some interest on my savings. It beats paying $12!

And the next time I go home, I'm transferring ALL of my checking needs to a credit union. Forget you, you greedy big banks, I'm over you.

2012 Goals

I didn't finish my extra 2011 goals in 2011, so they will become my first priorities in 2012. A review:

Goal 1: Establish taxable investment account at Vanguard. Save $4K. Buy FTSE All World ex US Index Fund. 
     Steps to finish:
            -Save ~$1.5K more in fund.
            -Transfer NZD to USD.
            -Open taxable account with Vanguard.
            -Buy fund.


January 2012: Fund complete; paperwork started. Feb 2012: Completed.

Goal 2: Invest in a stock via sharebuilder.com.
      Steps to finish:
            -Choose a stock where 1 share is < $100.
            -Purchase stock using $100 in my account.
(I've decided this goal doesn't make sense. The amount of paperwork I'd have to do for taxes from overseas if I want to regularly trade stocks is RIDICULOUS. I did get the sharebuilder $50 bonus, though, so basically I received $50 USD for free just for opening an account...).

Goal 3:  Buy a life insurance policy (with total permanent disability and death benefit) for $350K at a reputable insurance firm.
     Steps to finish:
         -Investigate options in NZ, including level premiums?
         -Choose amongst all the options.
         -Purchase policy.

January 2012: Fund complete.

April 2012 update: sent off application. Rep needs to speak with me about my job (?).
May 2012: forms to be sent to me ASAP.

        -Superlife: $350K coverage for death level premiums + $200K TPD for 5 years level premium for $154 a year, + $30 annual 'insurance' fee.

$___ DONE.
     
Goal 4:  Buy an affordable disability insurance policy that covers my specific job and replaces most of my income from a reputable insurance firm. 

     Steps to finish:
          -Investigate options in NZ, including level premiums?
         -Choose amongst all the options.
         -Purchase policy.
         -Superlife: 55% of salary covered (~$30K pa) until I'm 65, 6 month waiting period, $193 per year, with a $30 annual 'insurance' fee.

January 2012: Fund complete.

March 2012 update: sent off application.
June 2012: filled out paperwork (had to wait 1 month in new job). DONE.

Goal 5: Talk to Mom and Dad about long-term care insurance. Again.
     Steps to finish:
           -Set a date with Mom to chat.
           -Have her review her options again.
           -Research options.
           -Buy policy to at least cover my mom (Dad is most certainly not eligible).
N/A. Mom doesn't even want to talk about it.

Goal 6: Buy an affordable contents insurance package here in NZ.
     Steps to finish:
            -Buy BNZ Premiere Care contents insurance. 

January 2012: Fund complete.
March 2012: Spoke with BNZ rep and purchased insurance. Waiting for form to pay.
April 2012: Need to call to confirm.


$461.16/year DONE.

Goal 7: Finalize Will and Trust documents.  

     Steps to finish: 

          -Transfer all accounts to my Living Revocable Trust. HSBC left to go. 

          -Store copies of documents with my mom. USE GOOGLE DOCS + ENCRYPTION, see post from 30 May.
See: https://www.thecolemanlawfirm.net/Funding_a_Living_Trust.html

BoA: need to go see a teller in person
Kiwibank: estate
HSBC:
Kiwisaver: has to go 'to the estate'
Rabo: estate
life insurance: estate
T Rowe Price: done
Vanguard: done

Goal 8: Continue to play the credit card game, amass enough air points to travel home for free in 2013. 
       Steps to finish:
          -Amass enough points to upgrade to business class in 2012. (Should reach this with new cc in March 2012)
         -Charge enough to new cc to get $500 in gift cards for 2012 US trip. DONE.
         -Find cc that will offer enough points to garner a 2013 free flight.
         -Schedule flights home in 2012 using points (Business Class?!).
         -Cancel cards that will charge an annual fee:  May July October.  There's another one in January...


Additional goals for 2012, since I obviously shot too low last year:

-Revise budget based on 2011 spending. March 2012 update: DONE. revised eating out, medical, electricity, internet, and Misc spending based on 2011 spending.


-Set no limit on medical, health, and exercise spending.

-Save $7,500 to various goals:

Goal 9:  Increase long term savings to $500/mo from $415/mo, equaling $6K total ($300/mo to Roth; $100 to House DP; $100 to Europe trip). By March 2012, my Future Roth goal should be complete; I will allocate this $300 per month to my taxable investment account, which will be used for medium- to long-term goals. This goal is important because it gets me acclimated to automating my savings for long term goals. If I move back to the US, I'll be automating $416 + per month to a Roth IRA.

Goal 10:  Save $1,500 to my Wants list to continue to upgrade my wardrobe for work. I'll also have $500 in gift cards if all goes well with my cc plan. March 2012 update: goal complete

Stretch goals:
Goal 11: Save $3K for 2013 US trip (if I use up 2012 trip fund). April 2012 update: goal complete.
Goal 12: Save $4K for a car.  Canceled in Feb 2012 due to CityHop reg. $3.2K will cover access to a car one day a month and annual membership for 3 years. It is a better deal to put this cost into my budget each month rather than paying for a car outright, plus parking, WOF, maintenance, and insurance fees on top of that.

On-going goals:

-Spend less than I earn.

-Continue to put 2% of my salary towards Kiwisaver (with 2% salary match).

-Diligently track every penny.

Lots of work to do in 2012!!

2011 Goals, A+ with Extra Credit

Eh, since I'm not going to be making much progress on my goals in the next few weeks before 2011 wraps up (WHERE DID THE TIME GO?!), I should address my progress this year. Pretty good, but I set the bar low initially.

I met my original 2011 goals back in April:

In 2011, I will:

-Save ~$12,500 to various goals:

1)  $3K to a 2012 US Trip Fund.

2)  Increase long term savings to $415/mo from $340/mo, equaling ~$5K total ($255/mo to Roth; $80 to House DP; $80 to Europe trip) 

3)  $2,500 to my Wants list.  It's time to upgrade the wardrobe and some electronics.

4)  Fill my $5K Move back to US fund (currently stands at $3K).

-Spend less than I earn.

-Continue to put 2% of my salary towards Kiwisaver (with 2% salary match!).

-Diligently track every penny.

-Find a way to track vacation expenses better; figure out a way to report it (as part of monthly spending with a special category, maybe?).

-Buy some Bonus Bonds!

The extra goals I made for myself in 2011 are just icing on the cake, but they are pretty important goals to follow through on:

Goal 1: Establish new taxable investment account at Vanguard in lieu of contributing to retirement.  I imagine that this money will be held for 10+ years & used mainly for retirement, but may help supplement a house down payment, a wedding, Europe trip, or other long-term plan that may crop up in the next decade.  It looks like initial buy-ins for funds are ~$3K, so I'll have to save up a bit to get in the game by the end of the year. Research reveals that Vanguard's FTSE All World ex US Index Fund is a great tax efficient fund to invest in. I thought I had enough saved for this back in Sept., but it looks like I didn't quite make it. Probably one more month and I'll kick this one!

Goal 2: Establish a sharebuilder.com account.  Take advantage of their free $50 for signing up, and  maybe play the stock game to see how it works a little bit. I can see myself using $25 per month in this just for fun and learning.June 2011: account opened, deposited $50 USD to get a free $50 bonus. Will start researching stocks. December: I have done nothing with this. The tax implications, and the fact that I can't find a stock that I like for under $100 are to blame for my wariness to dump it into a stock.

Goal 3:  Send an email to an insurance brokers both here and in the US to find out my options. Talk to Mom and Dad to see how much $$ they'd need in my absence in order to obtain a stable, healthy financial life. Buy an insurance policy (with total permanent disability and death benefit) in that amount, at a reputable insurance firm.  Emails: done. NZ disability coverage while in US possible, as is life. Next step: level or stepped, how much coverage for each, how long, etc. Try to find level premium term life insurance ($350K) in NZ (does it exist?). December update: Need to pull the trigger and buy this.

Goal 4:  Buy an affordable disability insurance policy that covers my specific job and replaces most of my income from a reputable insurance firm. December update: Need to do more research and buy it already!!

Goal 5: Talk to Mom and Dad about long-term care insurance. Shop around and compare prices. December update: Probably not going to happen.

Goal 6: Buy an affordable contents insurance package here in NZ. Something minimal that will help me sleep at night. BNZ PremierCare contents ins. is rated highly, as are their premiums. $250 deductible. Research done. Need to get quote. December update: Need to buy.

Goal 7: Finalize my Will and Trust and other important documents. Transfer all documents to my Living Revocable Trust (will need major research for this!). Update these documents and store with my mom.  Ask my friend to be the executrix. halfway done in Sept. Need to xfer savings and checking accounts to Trust; send scanned docs to Mom and Dad. December update: Need to xfer everything to trust, still. 

Goal 8: Save $2K in my Travel Slush fund.  For those last-minute, awesome opportunities that seem to pop up everywhere these days! DONE.

Goal 9: Save $2K in my Mom and Sister's NZ Trip fund.  For anything else we haven't thought of. DONE.

Goal 10: Play the credit card game, amass enough air points to travel home for free next year. September 2011: with Chase Sapphire card, 50K points amassed. Should be enough points for my trip home next year. Done. December update: Am trying to get enough points to upgrade my flight to business AND get $500 in gift cards. 

So, that is 2011 in a nutshell. 2012 goals will include finishing the above goals, as well as a few fun and health goals.

I'm OK

I really am. I have surprised myself the past few days. While I'm sad that my sister isn't coming to see me, I also know there is nothing I can do about it. I let go so much easier than I used to. I even attended a party today and was sociable for most of it, although I got tired very quickly, I think from the stress of this past week.

I don't know if that is a good or bad thing, getting over huge disappointments so easily. In most ways, it is great, because I bounce back so much quicker from setbacks. But on the other hand, that means I also expect less of people in the future, to reduce the number of disappointments I have to experience. I don't like that part, the ever growing jadedness.

I also know that I will never stop hoping that my sister will get better, even though I also accept that that will most likely never happen. No matter what she does or says to me, either, I won't stop loving her. I can't control her behavior and health, but I can minimize how much I expect out of her. I know this won't be the last time her illness hurts me and makes me cry, not by a longshot, but that's OK. That is what comes with loving someone with this illness. I didn't choose to be her sister, but she is what I have, like it or not.

And, as a life update: I put an ad up on a dating website last night, purely on a whim, to see what is out there. Pictureless, of course, but I actually filled out the entire ad very honestly. I don't plan on following through, but it is a step in the right direction, putting it out there in the Universe. My single greatest dread/fear is to slowly grow older and older and lose everyone that I love, and that loves me unconditionally. I have been thinking about this since my sister first became ill--who will I have when I'm 50, or 80? At this rate, no one. My grandparents have all died in the past 5 years (save one who died when I was 8), and my uncles have started dying. My parents are probably next--they are the oldest of their siblings. My sister, with all of her health problems, surely will not make it very long, I'm sad to say, and I don't expect her mental illness to allow her to make healthy choices as she ages. At this rate, I will be alone very soon, and I don't want to be. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that I will settle in order to not be alone. I hope not, but I'm just not meeting anyone that even remotely matches the feeling I know I am supposed to have. That feeling guides me to what is most important in my life. I had it with someone before (not a candidate now, unfortunately), and I have it now with my job. It may sound picky and high maintenance, but I know it works. Call it fate or God or whatever, IT WORKS. And you know it when it is there.

I also won't be on European TV. I'm relieved! But I'm also proud of myself for volunteering in the face of being terrified. I had even started practicing my spiel in my head. I know I'll be able to do this in the future. It is important to me that I don't make any more regrets for myself, and more importantly, risk being disappointed.

International TV Star

Dude! I'm going to be on TV again (maybe, if I don't wimp out of it)! My boss is yet again too busy to fulfill a media request from some European TV show about our research topic, so she suggested me again. The media people I worked with last time thought I did a good job, so they are happy to let me do the segment again. This is crazy!

My boss gets requests to do this sort of thing ALL THE TIME. I am in awe of her and how easily she handles these tasks. Presentations, interviews, field trips, teaching, all sorts of public speaking, she is all over it, but it is my most dreaded and weak area of my job, aside from writing literature reviews, of course! Part of the next step for me is to get better at those kinds of things, so I guess, here I go? 15 min. segment, all voiceover and camera shots of ME! I hope eventually I will not freak out so much about the speaking part of my job and just accept it as part of normal work.

Yeah, this would never happen in any other place, esp. not the US, where they'd have much more experienced, trained professionals do the job. I can't believe an entire country of viewers is (yet again) going to listen to me explain something. I don't know enough! I'm not experienced enough! Time to do some homework...

November Rain

Agh! Somehow I owe myself nearly $4600. I calculated that I saved ~$3600 in September, but didn't have the cash right then (I usually xfer $$ after the first paycheck of the month so I always have enough to cover costs. Then I had most of the money ($3K), but due to a stupid error on my part, transferred it to the wrong place and it just got fixed. And now I don't have enough $$ to pay myself. Where did the money go? It is confusing to me that I can carefully track every single penny and still not be able to save exactly what I calculated. I blame credit cards and conversion fees...

Anyway, here is my November snapshot:

Income: $3,340.22, two paychecks plus garage rent. I should be getting twice as much garage rent (an extra $18 per week) starting next week, though, because my roommate is moving out and no longer will get her portion of the garage rent.

Under budget, as usual, and I should be able to save $877.87 this month. All to my Buy Vanguard Fund Fund, which sits at $1,744 right now prior to that addition, thanks to some interest income in my Raboplus account. Nearly there! I might be able to top this off by the end of the year, but it looks like I won't be able to finish off my $2K Insurance Fund as well, unless my Christmas bonus is absolutely amazing. Due to dire financial circumstances at my company this year, though, I kind of doubt we get any sort of bonus...I wish they'd take the money they are spending on the stupid company Xmas party (only one person at my company has young kids, so WHY are we renting a bouncy castle and jungle gym?!) and divvy it up amongst us instead!


Rent: $840. Totally boring, just the way I like it!
Groceries: $232.24. Thanks to my insane eating out bill and several work trips.
Internet: $54. This is going down to $40 per month once I get a new roommate! I negotiated my bill from $109 to $80, with no change in GB or companies. Go me!
Electricity: $57.11. Gotta love summer!
Eating out: $194.20. Ouch.
Charity: $25. Will make up for this next mo for sure--December is giving season!
Cell phone: $20. Vodafone topup.
Medical: $0.
Misc: $624.80. Ouch again.
        Alcohol: $42.50. lots of happy hours this month!
        Entertainment: $15. Saw Drive. Hated it.
        Exercise/Fitness: $90. 100 day gym membership.
        Goods and Wants: $236.39. Air pump for air mattress, iron pills, floss, sunglasses, table mats, kitchen rug, silver leaf necklace, table sculpture, three wall prints, Xmas ornament for a party, bracelet
        Transportation: $61.10 for cabfare from ponsonby, busfare to New World, parking fees, cabfare to a friend's house in Mission Bay
        Travel: $179.81. Accommodation for two nights, car rental, gas, and Sand and Seals tour at Abel Tasman
Savings: $415. Yay!

The Aftermath

I am having some very mean, melodramatic, victim thoughts since this NZ trip fiasco went down: "I guess the lesson here is to never trust someone with a mental illness? Or have them be your best friend?" Something is horrible about that statement there. The stigma of mental illness is bad enough, without having everyone shun you or not get too close to you because they may (will) get hurt by you eventually. I can't imagine what that feels like.

I keep trying to put myself in her shoes, but trying to ignore the fact that it really really sucks to be in MY shoes, too. Part of dealing with someone with mental illness is that you feel guilty for thinking of yourself, ever, because the person you love has it so much worse.

But I also know that I can't keep doing this to myself. As an extension of my self-imposed distancing from my sister, I have to expand the reasoning beyond the fact that she makes poor life decisions when she is stable. When she is sick, completely not her fault (or is it?), it hurts me even more. She tries to have me arrested. She says horrible things. She isn't in control when she does all of these things, but in the end, does that matter? It hurts just the same. Sick or stable, she is a one woman wrecking ball of me. I get so jealous of people with sisters who are not mentally ill. So jealous of families that can take vacations together. Who can brag about their siblings. Who don't have to answer questions awkwardly.

And part of me doesn't believe that this timing is coincidental. It's just...she was stable for over two years now, and BAM, days before she was supposed to come here, sick. I finally found her and was able to wheedle the receptionist dragon by saying I was calling from NZ and really needed to speak with my sister. They put me through even though I didn't have permission and my sister is definitely too sick to come. She was talking about pressing charges against our family again (particularly Mom and Dad). She then told me that she didn't even want to come to NZ, anyway.

Only a week ago, she was praising mom and dad for dealing with her so well and how giving and loving they were, and how lucky she was to have them. But I am very close to thinking that she got sick partly to avoid the NZ trip, almost. I think she was scared to come to NZ because of all the stuff we have planned. She said that she hadn't done anything to prepare, physically. She isn't used to driving around on road trips and having every day be packed full of fun things. She was also worried about paying for it, even though Mom and myself told her we would pay. She did this on purpose, part of me whispers, and that same part of me hates her guts for ruining this fun family trip for my mother. And my Christmas, again.

So I hate her right now. There's no getting around it. And honestly, I don't think things will ever be the same between us. Forgiving her for this will take something more than I have right now. This trip represented more than just a family outing to me--it was me sharing my new life and incorporating the people I love into that new life. I'm devastated.

Yup, Canceled.

I just isn't OK for this to keep happening to my mom. She is the best person I know, and her entire life has been ruled and ruined by physical and mental illness. I don't get it. She struggles so hard every day but only deserves the best life has to offer. Karmically, she should find winning lotto tickets and get showered with love every day. Instead...this.

And...this. The last time my mom and sis were supposed to visit me (when I was living in CA), my mom's dad suddenly died a few days before the trip. We were supposed to see him during that trip, too. It is not fair all over the freaking place!

I'm so disappointed I can't think straight. Three years of planning, a whole year of reviewing every little detail to get everything perfect, and $15K, wasted. Mom says she emotionally can't handle planning another trip only to have it canceled again, so it's over. They are never coming to visit me here in NZ. I know I kind of expected this to happen, but I'm so upset that it actually IS happening, right in the home stretch, mere days before we were going to get away with it (that's what it felt like when things were looking good, like we were cheating fate or something), that I am having a really hard time dealing. Things could be so much worse, I know, but it doesn't take away the pain of dashed expectations.

ETA: Oh and my sister is now missing. She doesn't have a phone--stupid XBF stuff--and the hospitals aren't allowed to let anyone know where the patient is against their wishes, so we have no idea where she is. She is angry with us again for some reason and refusing to contact us. The disappointments when someone you love is mentally ill are staggering for everyone involved.

Bummed

Well, my mom and sister's trip is in jeopardy of not happening. My sister called me yesterday in tears due to some XBF problems and sounded extremely irrational on top of that stress. I called again today to check on her and my dad answered her phone, saying that he took her to the local mental health facility to get checked out earlier in the day. She is currently unreachable, with no phone or laptop. It seems that she went from tears to giddy today, which is a really bad sign for someone with bipolar disorder.

So I don't know what is going to happen, if the trip is on or off, and if we should even risk having her here traveling in NZ. If she is in danger of having an episode, the trip will be a TOTAL DISASTER. My mom said that she wouldn't come if my sister couldn't, because it wouldn't be fair to go without her when she so looked forward to the trip, and anyway, my sister will need her close to home if she does have an episode. She also will need some major help with some issues that she has been dealing with lately--my dad is just not capable of fixing problems and doing the necessary things to help her. My sister was attacked by her XBF and has taken him to court for assault charges, as well as a restraining order. The stress of it all is just too much, and she can't afford a lawyer. I feel terribly for her.

On the selfish side, I'm disappointed that they may not be coming. I'm crushed in some ways, actually--I wanted to share my NZ life with them, but on the other hand, I kind of knew that this trip was too good to be true. I've been holding my breath, waiting for this to happen, so I've already have made alternate plans to work through the holiday and search for a new roommate if need be. This is just what happens in my family--I'm not surprised in the least. I feel bad for my mom, though--this was going to be her first time out of the country and she was very, very excited about it.

The only kicker is the cost. We've sunk over $15K in it already, and maybe will get half of that back if we pull out tomorrow (my mom promised to buy travel insurance but, very uncharacteristically, didn't, citing the high cost). I hope we can just make a decision soon so we can salvage as much $$ as possible to pay for a trip when all are healthy again.

An Experiment in Living Alone

Ah, roommates. At 33, they are getting a bit...old, kind of like me. I have never lived alone, and have never intended to. I enjoy having someone around once in a while, having extra room for less money, have someone to split the bills with, and I reckon having another person around keeps me from watching infomercials while eating ice cream at 3 am (I think...Lord knows what craziness my schedule would turn into if there weren't the roommate normalizing effect in my apartment).

Anyway, my current roommate moves out in a few weeks--her rent is all paid up until that time. Two days after she moves out, my mom and sister come to town for 3.5 weeks. I just returned from a week long work trip, and have major plans and heaps of work to do before they visit.

So. Here's what I'm thinking: I pay double rent for the time they are around, and we have my apartment to ourselves. It solves several problems:

1.  Having to immediately find time in my schedule for the grueling roommate interview process in the next week. 
2. The awkward, 'I'm going to bring in my crazy immediate family to live with us the day that a stranger moves into my apartment' situation. Um. No thank you, on either side.
3. My mom and sister do not have to sleep on air mattresses in the living room, common area space. Instead, the two of them have their own queen bed and room, OR one has the spare bedroom and one sleeps in the living room on an air mattress (prob. my sister).

It also creates problems:

1. Our trip just became $1300 more expensive for me (paying double rent for a 3-rent check month or more). 
2. We only need my apartment for 9 days/nights while they are here for 3.5 weeks--we are traveling the rest of the time. 
3. I will have to hope and pray that someone can move in RIGHT after they leave in early January, a time when most people are traveling themselves. 
4. My landlord may see this as an opportune time to try to sell my apartment. Try finding a new roommate in THAT situation.
5. Bills would go up: I would have to bear the full cost of electricity and internet for a month or more.

So, what would YOU do?? I won't go into debt over this, but it is not ideal to spend SO much money on keeping my apartment empty.