February and the Budget

Blah blah blah, boring boring boring, budget budget budget

The boringness continues, and that is good.

	February 2013 Budget
Category	Spent	Budgeted Amount
Rent	$840.00	$840.00
Groceries	$418.07	$450.00
Internet	$47.50	$60.00
Electricity	$57.58	$75.00
Eating Out	$123.20	$150.00
Charity	$128.51	$75.00
Cell phone	$74.38	$50.00
Medical	$167.94	$150.00
Misc	$289.26	$600.00
Savings	$600.00	$600.00
Total	$2,746.44	$3,050.00

Rent is as normal, Groceries are under budget (yeah!), as are internet, electricity, and eating out.

Charity went way over because I was making up for being under budget in January. I had a lot of causes...a friend's husband passed away suddenly and another friend was doing oxfam trailwalk. Next month, I'll contribute to a fund designed to help my friend's mom--his dad passed away very suddenly. It was a sad month.

Cell phone is over because I renewed my Skype subscription.

Medical is over because of my injured shoulders--I go to the physio every week now.

Misc is way under! Yay! I got tickets to see a show ($18), registered for Round the Bays, bought stamps, bathroom rugs, some house decorations, toilet paper, tape to move offices (again, ugh), and rented the cityhop car several times. I also spent some on alcohol ($73!!) as several friends were leaving the country permanently. I also bought cards for a few people with birthdays.

Savings is right where it needs to be.

$655.51 saved to the 2014 US Trip Fund! It is nearly halfway done at $1,401.40 and 47%.

March is a three paycheck month, which means...I should be able to save more than ~$1600 and complete that fund! Yeah! Then it's a free month to do whatever in April. I'll probably save it, though. While my boss wants to renew my contract, I'm not 100% sure it'll go through as she only provides ~80% of my salary. Lots of approval steps have to happen before it gets done and signed.

The Third-Life Crisis Continues

Is it possible to make yourself more confused, the more you think about something? If so, I think I have.

I had my performance review today, the one that has long been coming. Last month I met with my boss, and she told me to fill out my review and outline exactly what my ideal scenario would be for my future. I have thought of little else for over a month. I'm not sleeping well, I'm barely concentrating at work, and I'm kind of ignoring everyone. I think about what I want to do obsessively these days.

Without a clear direction, but with as much detail as possible, I filled out my review slowly over the past 5-6 weeks. It boiled down to two things: a) I have my dream job right now and b) I want to be at home with my family, in the US. I can't get out of that loop. One day, I'm sure I want to move back, the next I think of how much I'd regret leaving my job. One day, I love my job and can't bear to give it up, and the next, I think of how much I'd regret it if one of my family members died suddenly or got sick and I had missed so much time with them. I can't win.

My 3 remaining grandparents all died within 3 years of one another (2005-2007), and I can't tell you how much I regret missing time with them. I'd do anything to go back and hear their voices again, even give up this whole NZ experience. I don't want to EVER feel that way about my parents. It's such a horrible feeling, regret.

Last weekend, my parents told me that my dad's doctor has found a spot on his lungs, and his EKG is abnormal. His mom died of lung cancer, and he smoked for 50+ years. Aside from those alarming issues, he is slowly getting worse. He looked so gray and ashen and just unwell the last time I was home. I'm so worried for him.

So, back to my review. I had to meet with my supervisor for something else, and just wanted to get this out of the way. So I finished up my review and sent it. It was one of the hardest reviews I've done, simply because it didn't say where I wanted to go. I've never not known what I planned to do next.

My boss and I went through the past year and how my career goals have changed and which areas I've identified for improvement, both in myself and in my company. We then moved on to where I see myself in the next few years.

We talked for two hours. My boss is an extremely busy person, yet she never gives the impression that she doesn't have time for you. She really cares what happens to people, and does everything she can to help figure out a solution to your problems.

All I can say is that she has gone above and beyond and I've gotten absolutely everything I've asked her for. I feel almost guilty for how much she's willing to work with me sometimes. It is clear that she thinks she needs me, but I feel that I wouldn't be anywhere without her.

The problem is now, and what is frustrating for both of us, is that I don't know what I want. She's thrown out a few ideas: me going home for several months at a time, several times a year, to spend more time with family, finishing out the year and then doing a PhD with her, during which I'd get to design my own project and pretty much pick out my committee, and try to get a fellowship at a University or organisation near my family. The issue is, I don't know which is best, if any of them.

She did mention that a) I was of course free to apply for jobs and if something good came up, I should take it, and b) of course, if something happened in my family, I should go home. So that is reassuring.

Sometimes the worst option is having lots of options. Thank God I'm  not alone. 

Apartment Assessor

Things just keep making it more complicated to stay in NZ. Unbeknownst to me, my landlord's father actually owns the apartment I live in, and while my landlord told me in December that she had no plans to sell, would keep the rent stabilized for as long as I lived here, and wanted to keep me as long as possible, I guess her dad doesn't think the same way. He scheduled an apartment assessor to come over today. I just got done talking to them, and, as expected, it wasn't a pleasant experience. I have gone through the process of getting my house sold before, and it is one I don't care to repeat--at one point potential buyers busted in on me while showering because the real estate agent didn't give me the required 24 hour notice--he only told my roommate, who didn't tell me.

They asked all sorts of questions about how much I paid in rent, and how long I'd been there, and told me how amazing I had it in my apartment. They tried to convince me that I was paying a large margin below market rate. They told me all the things that would make it feel bigger (knocking down walls) or improvements I could do (painting, etc.). They also mentioned that I'd 'recommend well' when the place sold and I had to move.

Yes, thank you, I know. But I'm not going to suggest to my landlord that I start paying more, or take it upon myself to knock down walls or do improvements on a place that I don't own...what exactly were they telling me all that for? Not interested.

I gave them a mixed review--the neighbors were OK but it is very noisy neighborhood, the park nearby is dangerous and you get harrassed (even in the daytime) if you go in there, the layout is awkward but it feels spacious due to the high ceilings, the trees out front give a lot of privacy in summer, and I love how convenient it is for work and the city. They just kept going on and on about potential and how clean we are and how it presented well.

In any case, they annoyed me to no end and acted so fakey-fake nice to me. I don't trust them--they work on commission!

I hope the price they give is really low so my landlord's dad holds off until I can make a decision either way about NZ. When I moved in, they wanted to sell it for over $400K but the market was tanking and there was no way they'd get that. I looked around at recent sales in the neighborhood, and newer apartments with equivalent space and an extra bathroom are selling for less than $330K.

Mo' Points, Mo' Problems

I am trying to fund each of my US trips home and back through points. It sure beats spending $3K NZD each time! Free is amazing. Through credit card rewards points, it couldn't be easier. I know a lot of people hate credit cards because they encourage spending, but I echo the remainder who are fans: if you know how to use them correctly, they will actually save you money.

Every so often, I check this flyertalk thread to see if they have any new airmiles cc's out. I recently discovered that if you've canceled a previous bonus card a while ago, you can apply again and sometimes get the reward again. So, not coincidentally, I reapplied for a card that I previously had, and am getting a $50 statement credit upon first purchase plus, after spending $1K I'll get 50,000 rewards points that equate to 50K airmiles. Each dollar I spend also earns me an airmile. I confirmed that I'd get the bonus again on the phone today with the company.

I have about 109K miles in that account already, so once I spend $1K, I'll be up to 160K points! To fly from NZ to the East Coast of the US costs 80K points, so I'll have two free economy class flights to/from NZ. Lucky, because I have two trips planned this year: one in the summer and one for Christmas. I don't usually leave NZ during their summer, but my cousin is planning a winter wedding at home, and I need to be there. Alternately, I could use 135K of the points to fly business class on one of the trips.

It looks like if I stay in NZ, though, that the Dec. trip will be partially paid for by work. There is a major project I'm working on that it would be good to present at a conference in California if all goes well. So half of that ticket would be paid for, and I could use 25K points to get me the rest of the way home each way (50K points). Leaving 30K points for next year.

I also have 75K British Airways points that can be used in the US via American Airlines. I also have about 20K American Airlines points already. I have a trip to Australia in April for work, and those points may be used towards my oneworld account (through Qantas).

I guess I can't do anything until I know if I'll be home for Xmas anyway, though! And if work would actually send me to CA later this year, after getting to go to Japan and Australia.

Pros and Cons

What do you do if you make a pros and cons list with weighted entries, and they are equal?

That is where I'm at with this move to the US or not question. I still need to talk to my boss further about options. Although she threw a spanner in the works by intimating that all my dreams were possible--I could spend more time in the US with my family while still keeping my dream job--I'm still leaning towards just quitting and splitting. I'd just have to let my contract run out in April.

The thing is, my boss's 'Plan B' requires me to leave so many items up in the air, uncontrollable, for many years, with no guaranteed success. There are so many steps to getting to where I want to go with her way, and I could work towards almost none of them--they all depend on fate, or luck, or someone else to make a decision. For example:

1) The University would have to go for the plan to let me work at home for half the year (likelihood: slim to none). They've been a total B*TCH to work with this past year.
2)  I'd have to get the Uni PhD scholarship next year. Likelihood: good, but it depends on competition.
3) I'd have to get Uni's permission to do lots of work in the US during my PhD. Likelihood: ????? probably 50/50 if I have funding (depends on option #2).
4) I'd have to get another Uni or organisation, close to my parents in the US AND having the facilities for me to use, to agree to host me for several years during my PhD. Likelihood: unknown, but let's say 1 out of 4, and depends on funding from option #2 and permission from #3.
5) They would only do this if there was a person at the Uni that would agree to host me and act as a supervisor, as well. Likelihood: completely unknown, but highly unlikely. I've done research and no one fits the bill yet.

Even then, my future dream of working at an organisation close to my parents in my preferred field is STILL up in the air, and depends on the job market and someone there giving me a chance. I'm so uncomfortable with so many other people deciding my fate.

Guess what Plan A entails?
1) Quit and get any job close to my parents. Likelihood: very very high as there is demand for my skills that I learned in the job prior to my current one near my family. I noticed several advertised jobs that I'm confident that I could get near my family and in my preferred city. They aren't in my preferred field, but they get me where I want to be.
2) Wait for an opportunity to get a job at my preferred organization(s). Likelihood: unknown, depends on the job market and someone there giving me a chance.

Plan A comes down to the same element in Plan B, above. I could spend 4 years of my life trying to get to where Plan A would get me in a month or two. Would I have a better chance of succeeding in Plan B? Yes, but only if my PhD puts me into contact with someone at my preferred organization, because that is all it comes down to in that place. I feel like I could get that through professional organizations, volunteering, and extracurriculars in Plan A. And Plan A puts me by my family immediately, not contingent on about 10 people and multiple layers of administration recognizing my value.

I guess I have made my decision. My boss tends to make me question this, though, so we'll see where I'm at after talking to her next.

Back to Running?

Last Wednesday, I went to my new(est) physio for the second visit. He gave me a bunch of exercises to do, along with telling me that my shoulders were going to take about a year to get back to normal. But! the most important thing he did was tell me that I could try running again!

Along with signing up for a 10K in a month...I needed it! I went out for about 25 minutes to see how I did, and did a day from Week 1 of Couch to 5K (C25K) program. My program crapped out on me so I have no idea how far I went, but I definitely am better than Week 1's 60 s run with 90 second walking prescription--I ended up switching the two intervals to 90 s run/60 s walk and even ran the entire walking intervals a few times. However, my calves were really sore, so I took a day off to stretch and try to get back into it.

Saturday I had a picnic out at One Tree Hill and decided to stay late and run around the (huge) park afterward. It was glorious! I finished up the entire Zombies, Run! story and can't wait for Season 2 to come out this spring! My calves had recovered enough that I could run, and today (Sunday) they are the good kind of sore, not the 'holy crap I can't walk' kind of sore they were after Thursday's run. So that's good. And...my shoulders are OK. They still get ache-y and I can't life my left arm very far (and my right won't go above my head yet), but they don't seem to be affected by the running too much. I did about 2-3 km or so on Thursday, I think, and about 5 km last night. My times aren't very good, but that was because I did Week 3 C25K--90 s running, 90 s walking, 3 min running, 3 min. walking, and then did 10 minutes of a full run on top of that just to see if I could do it. The 10 minutes was tough, but I did it.

I haven't figured out how to train for the 10K I have coming up. I suppose I'll keep going through the C25K trainings until I can do 30 minutes of full running straight, then gradually increase my time. I do need to get a plan together: maybe 1 long run a week, one HIIT run, and a tempo run, with recovery runs and base runs in between (until I can yoga and Pilates again on my in between days...):

Monday: Base run
Tuesday: HIIT run or Hill Repeats
Wednesday: Base run
Thursday: Tempo run
Friday: Base Run
Saturday: Long run
Sunday: Day off or Easy fun run

No Contents Insurance for 2013

Well, don't I feel like I wasted $400 last year. My contents insurance policy just came due again for 2013. Since I don't know if I'll be here for another year, and since it is such a huge sum of money for what I feel like is nothing, I won't be renewing my policy for $400. Life and disability insurance--yes. Contents? No.

Contents covers belongings in the event of an accident. The thing is, I just don't have that much here in NZ. I catalogued everything I own that I want to bring back to the US with me, and it only covered one sheet of paper. My landlord owns nearly everything in the apartment, and I have enough money to cover a replacement laptop and a few shoes, toiletries, and clothes, which is really all I need. I'll be starting over nearly from scratch in the US soon, anyway.

This may come back to bite me, but I just don't think it's worth it.

Update and/or Recap

Oh dear. I'm so booorrrreeeeddd! This recovery thing is killing me (ironically). My left arm has now healed to the point that it doesn't ache constantly, but it definitely can't move very much and now I just sit around doing nothing but stalking my old crushes. Last night I learned that the guy I 'went out with' at 13, from my grandparents' hometown, got married to his college sweetheart, then divorced, then remarried and now lives in Texas. Between all this and my ancestry research, I have realized that I am an amazing stalker--I wish I could make money at this. I should probably feel sleazy but mostly I feel accomplished as I now know that I was right to crush on him--he is still incredibly hot and has a perfect picture-postcard family. I have good taste.

There is some activity on the guy scene here, which may be why all my exes are on the brain. More than there has been in the last 4 years, at least. I met a friend's friend and she brought her other friend to a concert and that dude liked me. I wasn't impressed but friended him on FB. He was nice and all, but not my type, and I probably won't be seeing him again. A few weeks ago, I went camping with a friend and her boyfriend, and he brought his friends. Of the two, I thought one was pretty funny and interesting and the other an insulting, homophobic pothead. Guess which one likes me and asked me out? ...I didn't return his ridiculous email.

My new physio (count 'em, I've had three different physios already!) thinks I got this injury in both shoulders due to bad posture caused by my left leg being a mm or two shorter than my right. Or something. Apparently  both my upper and lower back has 'sway' and looks like a 'ballet dancer's posture'. Ha. I don't think so. He did all sorts of weird tests and told me all kinds of conflicting information, such as I needed to get my right arm moving (which I had been doing already--I mean, my left one is out of commission, how am I supposed to live without any arms?!) but that I shouldn't do the exercises that the last physio gave me. So move but don't bother exercising. What?

So I go back tomorrow, but I see yet a different physio in the third physio office I've been to in the past week and a half. The last one kind of gave me an upper back massage, so I'm hoping for a repeat. My friends get treated by this new guy that I'm supposed to see tomorrow, and say he is attractive. I'd definitely pay $16 to get a massage by a cute guy, yes, thank you! I am looking forward to the appointment since I want to heal up and be normal already--I have signed up for a 10K taking place in a few months.

Filing the Taxes

Ugh. I dread doing my taxes now. I used to love it, but that was when I was living in the US and there was a chance I'd get a tiny refund. I am owed nothing now that I'm in NZ. Now there is the added fear that I'm doing them all wrong, or that my old states will come after me to pay taxes when I haven't even lived there for nearly 5 years.

Luckily, it seems to be only marginally more complicated than normal, now that I have a taxable investment account.

I am reminded why I always do them by hand now, though: it is too complicated to get the free efile software to fill out the forms correctly, particularly the foreign income tax credit forms. And I always get run-time errors and stupid errors telling me that I can't do something that I know the IRS allows (more than one 1116 form, for example). Incredibly annoying to go through the entire process and get an error at the end!!

Money Update

The total in my NZ savings account is now over $33K. That is pretty awesome, but it is all earmarked toward a certain goal or fund, so it really doesn't feel like I have all that much money saved up--in my head it is practically spent already!

I've now updated my sidebar with Feb totals...

My emergency fund is holdin' steady at $10K NZD.
My Move Back to US Fund is at $4200.83 USD. I hope to get it up to $5K USD.
My Roth IRA Fund is at $5K USD.
I have $100 NZD in Bonus Bonds.
I still have $726.28 NZD in my insurance fund for 2013.
My 2013 US Trip Fund is fully funded at $3K NZD.
I have a Slush Fund for trips and anything else that will get me closer to my goals, at $4370.05. I suppose I could use this for the Russia and special training course I am applying to.

My Move to US Supplemental Fund is complete at $3K.

My $3K NZD Non-retirement Vanguard Fund is now complete at $3K, as of Feb. I only had to put $156 towards it to complete it, leaving $94 extra to put into my one remaining short-term goal for 2013: $3K 2014 US Trip Fund. What becomes of that $250 in my automatic savings each month? Well, I think I'll put it towards that 2014 US Trip Fund each month until it is complete, then start another $3K Non-retirement Fund. I am really hoping to get one of the funds above $10K so I can take advantage of admiral shares.

So, my 2014 US Trip Fund is now at $745.89.

I added $175 each to my other two long-term goals:
House Down Payment Fund is at $4130 NZD now.
And my Europe Fund is at $4130 NZD. Dude!! I can afford so many pastries in Paris now! ;)

Asking For What You Want Most

In an earlier post, I mentioned that I spoke with my boss about quitting (or rather, just not renewing my 2013-2014 contract) in order to do what I need to do, which is move closer to my family by this summer--the US summer. And that she suggested that I fill out my performance review (which, confusingly, is more about me reviewing my job, tasks, and company than the other way around), outlining my perfect scenario, and that she would try to get me there, instead of quitting.

Just after that meeting, I was dealing with my shoulder injury and she went away on a work trip, so I thought I'd give myself a few days and then tackle it with gusto. It is usually one of my favorite things to do: describe my dream life, and make a five year plan based on that. I have whole NOTEBOOKS full of plans and detailed, ideal lives for my alternate self.

But here it is, the night before she's back at work again, and I haven't done it. I've looked at the performance review template, and at my last review, but I haven't added much. Every time I try to think about it, my brain zones out and tries to avoid the subject. I'm really good at that.

My reaction is confusing to me. She's so great, and is so willing to help me. She's clear on what I want and is so happy to use her resources to do things for me. I've always told her what my end goal was--work for a specific company in the US, in a specific headquarters--and I've always thought that the road to fulfill that goal was quite straightforward and narrow. I've attempted to go down that road by applying for jobs there, just to be shot down before I even get started; I don't even qualify for an interview, so I thought that dream was impossible in the short-term. (I was always going to keep trying until I got a job there; I just thought it would take a decade rather than a few months...it's my (other) dream job, y'all!). And here she is, suggesting a different way to get there in the long-term, and it has thrown me completely off course. My gut is telling me that she can't give me what I need, so why bother? But wouldn't it be a shame to not even try?

I'm afraid...

...her way would require me to keep living here. I am done with living in NZ, for more reasons than can fit in this post.

...her way would involve getting a PhD, something I'm adamant against for many well thought out, very good reasons.

...her way would be circuitous and take time and involve lots of effort doing things that I know I wouldn't enjoy (see above for examples).

...that despite her best offers to keep me, I will have to turn her down and quit, and she will be very, very disappointed or angry with me.

...that she'll help me, and it won't be enough, and I will have wasted her resources and efforts and connections, and I'll just end up quitting a six months from now rather than now.

...that what I want really is impossible for me to get.

Maybe that is why I've been putting off writing down what I want and submitting it to her.

Or maybe I'm afraid to ask because it may all come true, and I will have a chance at my dream, and I will still fail. Or hate it. Then what??

I don't know what the answer is here. I'm not afraid to dream of my ideal life. It's just that I've been wrong--very wrong--about what I have thought I needed and wanted before, only to stumble into something perfect for me, very accidentally. It's not that it was a total accident, I know--while there is no guarantee that planning will get exactly what you want, if you don't plan, you don't have any hope of getting it. You do have to be prepared when opportunity knocks. But maybe it isn't good to be so certain about how to get there or what it will look like. To be so clear on what I think I want, and how to get it...maybe that is actually blocking me from getting what I want.

Why is it so hard to ask for what you need and want?

Can I Afford to go to Russia?

My work is sending me to Japan later this year, and there is an opportunity to go to Russia afterward, again for a learning experience for work. My boss offered to send me on a learning-experiences trip, but I don't think she meant to offer to pay for this particular one to Russia, which would be as much as $3K USD (if the trip doesn't fill up). If the trip fills up, it could be as low as $1500 USD. Still a good chunk of change.

The alternative is to go to Tokyo for the learning experience, which is only $600 NZD or so. I think she'd pay for that, but not Russia...

Also for work, I applied to take an international training course which will help me not only here in NZ, but if I go elsewhere. It is in an area I'm severely lacking, and will definitely be a challenge for me, but I think it is good to push your limits sometimes and do things you're really scared of. If I get accepted, I'll have to pay for it myself--over $1K NZD. Worth it? I don't know...If I apply and get in, I'll have to turn down the Russia trip, probably. My boss has already approved the time off for it.

How far will my money take me when I'm paying for my own, voluntary work opportunities?! I need to calculate it out.

January 2013 Spending

Gah! Life is going by too fast. I wish I could slow it down to 8 year old speed. Back then Christmas and birthdays took FOREVER to come around! Now it happens as soon as I turn around.

Category	Spent	Budgeted Amount	Balance
Rent	$840.00	$840.00	$0.00
Groceries	$437.06	$450.00	$12.94
Internet	$54.50	$60.00	$5.50
Electricity	$76.04	$75.00	-$1.04
Eating Out	$82.00	$150.00	$68.00
Charity	$25.00	$75.00	$50.00
Cell phone	$40.00	$50.00	$10.00
Medical	$105.00	$150.00	$45.00
Misc	$655.88	$600.00	-$55.88
Savings	$600.00	$600.00	$0.00
Total	$2,915.48	$3,050.00	$134.53

This past month has been interesting. I spent a week on Vanuatu, ran lots, then thought I fractured my shoulder. I spent the long weekend camping at a beautiful beach. I'm not sure where that leaves me now. 

February will be very interesting as a result. More on that later.

I earned $3401.95 and spent $2915.48, leaving me with $486.47 to save to my 2014 US Trip Fund. At this rate, I will have it done by June or July. That's OK, because it is my only short-term goal to save up for this year. Unless...(more on that later, too!).

Rent: Normal.

Groceries: On schedule.

Internet: Good.

Electricity: Eh. OK. 

Eating Out: Excellent.

Charity: Need to do better, but I have a candidate, so all is good!

Cell Phone: Perfect.

Medical: OK. Wish I didn't have to use it!! $95 for the xrays and dr appointment and nurse consultation, and $10 for the prescription meds.

Misc: Over because of my camping trip, which normally would have added to the groceries budget.

Savings: Right on target. 

I spent: 

$33 on alcohol (including $15 for a housewarming present for friends)

$40 on gifts (housewarming present for a couple of friends)

$252.70 for cityhop and taxis to from/the doctor's and grocery stores since I was injured.

$31.68 on goods and wants. Day planner, tennis balls, and two cans of dr pepper.

$320 on travel. $260 was for Vanuatu spending money for food, souvenirs, entry. $60 for camp fees, food, and gas for the long weekend...not bad!

Medical Woes

So, the ortho sent me to a physio, highly recommended, and I visited them this week. Turns out, though, the ortho had sent me to a physio who ONLY treated hand injuries. Great. After getting a cityhop car and taking time off of work to visit this supposed amazing physio, I was turned away after waiting an hour in the waiting room.

I have another appointment at a different (whole body) physio next week, but I could be doing my exercises in the meantime and getting better! How annoying!

Also, my left shoulder has started to hurt today. I am looking stuff up online. Could be the start of arthritis, I could have more calcific tendonitis in my left shoulder, impingement syndrome, maybe I'm sleeping wrong, or it could be some infectious disease called Chikungunya that I contracted from my ONE mosquito bite in Vanuatu. It is so confusing!

In addition, I'm pretty sure I have hypothyroid, but my recent blood tests are still too borderline for the doc to prescribe medication for it. Yet again, I was told to come back in 6 months. It looks like I have to get really ill before they'll treat it.