Week 11 update is going to be late

Pandemic is disrupting everything. Week 11 post to come.

Weekly 2020 Goal Check In: Week 10 - The Pandemic

For Week 10: 9 - 15 Mar


Main Goals

1. Go to the office every work day. 

Things just imploded this week. The plan: "finish off a 45 min keynote talk for my conference and pack and find a flatmate and and and. I am still feeling sick, though, so I will do a lot of my work from home and try to rest a lot."


The reality: I felt unwell, the conference was called off, and I unpacked everything I had just finished packing when I got the call about the conference.

I still don't feel well. Because I'm not getting better nor worse, I don't have any severe symptoms (just light sniffles, light sore throat (probably from stuff draining down my throat constantly), and headache, with a cough or sneeze maybe 3 x per day), I don't think it is the killer virus. I think it is a bad combination of allergies or a cold trying to take hold, and stress. Sometimes I think about the virus and notice I can't breathe and then I worry I have the virus because I am short of breath which only makes it all worse. Panic attacks are not fun things to have.

Because boy have I been stressed. They just found a case of the virus in my family's county. My dad has chemo this week, which means he and my mom have to go to the hospital every day, all day, for 5 days straight. If he gets this, there's no way he survives this, y'all. Maybe not my mom or sister either. I am worried, 100% of the time.

So yeah--I'm stressed. Second guessing everything. Should I be at home right now? Is the US going to close its borders? NZ just decided that everyone coming to NZ would have to self isolate for 2 weeks. Am I going to get stuck here? Or the US, if I go there? What is going to happen? What is the right move here? Is there one? How did I know that something huge was going to happen and I was going to have to choose?

tldr: I didn't go into the office at all this week. 0 out of 5. I meant to on Weds, Thurs, and Fri, but I kept just not feeling well. And I still don't, but have so much work to do, so want to try to go in tomorrow (Monday). I just don't know though, folks. What is the point of a PhD when everything is changing?



2. Make a plan to exercise every day, whether this happens or not.

0 out of 5. I basically did a dry run of self isolation. I left the house Saturday to get groceries and do errands, but that was it.

I don't feel like it but I really should go this week. I need to get some exercise. At least once?


Concerns About My Goals/Lessons Learned: 

• The answer to: "Can I do 5 days in a row of working out plus 5 days of productive office-going?" is still no, not consistently. One week is great, and one is not so great, ad infinitum. It is a work in progress. What matters is that I forgive myself for stumbles and keep trying.
• This week I continued with shorter breaks (1 min) and it works about half the time. Better than nothing? I'll keep with it until it is a habit, then slowly increase the break time as needed.

Other Aspirations: Wins and Losses

• I found a flatmate. It was a desperate choice since I thought I was leaving this weekend. She doesn't move in until a week after my flatmates leave, so I'm stuck with paying the rent in full that week. I'm not excited about this. It is too late to find new ones now -- she's already signed everything and paid the $$. I guess I just have to live with this. 
• Food planning: check! Financial tracking,: check! Vitamins portioned out: check! Bare minimum personal and household maintenance tasks: check!
• Menu last week:
• Breakfast: sandwich thin + butter + poached egg with spirulina smoothie
• Lunch: pre-made tortellini + feta sauce + peas + red capsicum + zucchini
• Dinner: Salad with hot roast chicken breast pieces, red capsicum, apple, strawberries, sunflower seeds, pine nuts, pumpkin seeds, ground flax, with this yummy sounding dressing. If this isn't enough, I'll add a side of mac n cheese + peas.
• snacks: strawberries + melted dark chocolate + peanut butter, salted cashews
• Menu this week:
• Breakfast: frozen toaster waffles + milk
• Lunch: hummus on a pita with chicken breast, pepper, mushrooms
• Dinner: turkey meatloaf, roast potato, peas
• snacks: strawberries + melted dark chocolate + peanut butter, m&ms + peanuts
• I have continued my Duolingo streak for 76 days.

New category--postponed stuff:

• I still need to make an ISO (image) of my work hard drive.
• I have my last eye surgery appointment this week. I postponed it because I was feeling overwhelmed. It is now scheduled for May.
• I need to remake a doctor's appointment but am avoiding it for now. I'm getting a normal gyno check up, getting my blood work done (thyroid, iron, B12, normal fatigue stuff), and getting my eczema prescription refilled. I'll ask for a lower-dosage cream to slowly ween myself off the steroids. My eczema still needs to be checked by the doc--my skin is flaking off, still, 2 months since I tried to go cold turkey off the steroids.
• I still need to make a dermatology appointment. I need to check on my eczema, etc.
• I still really need to to my boss about moving home. ??? My gut, for now, says that I need to stay here in NZ. Travel bans and my family stuff may change at any moment so I'm kind of gonna leave this move-home plan to the back burner again. FOR NOW.
• I am feeling antsy about my rewards credit cards and travel plans. That means that it is time to review it and update it again.  

This WEEK

Oh man, has this week been terrible or what?

I haven't been able to sleep much, and have had my work travel to the US canceled. Of course just after I finished packing...

I also have been feeling ill. Very tired, some sniffles, occasional cough, sore throat, headaches, and very very dizzy and a lot of vertigo. Mostly just tired. My voice went hoarse last Friday evening, and my RA had laryngitis and still came into work last week so I'm blaming her. Honestly, it could just be stress.

But I'm not taking any chances, so I've been staying home and trying to rest. It is quite hard with the state of the world the way it is, though, and how uncertain everything feels.

My worry-centres have been activated, and I'm not doing very well at shutting them off using my normal coping mechanisms.

I'm worried about my dad, I'm worried about my mom, I'm worried about my sister. All of them have co-morbidities and/or are in the older age bracket most vulnerable to the virus. I'm worried about the state of the world, all the exposed people, all of you--my bloggy friends--who may suffer. I'm worried about how all this is being handled in different countries, how we don't really know exactly how the virus gets transmitted, and all the misinformation out there. I'm just plain worried. And I feel quite helpless to change or fix any of it.

I haven't been working out or going to the office this week, so my goals are a mess, too. I haven't noticed any difference in how I feel when I don't work out vs when I do--so that is disappointing. Everything is sore when I wake up, no matter what I do during the day. The only thing I can maybe say is that I might fall asleep a little easier when I do work out. Maybe?

Everyone I talk to is hoping that this will all be over in a few months, so we are all postponing our plans until then. But what if it never is 'normal' again? What if I never see my family again, either because of travel bans or because they don't survive?

I am a total and complete mess.

Weekly 2020 Goal Check In: Week 9 - A Stressful Time

For Week 8: 2 - 8 Mar


Main Goals

1. Go to the office every work day. 

Nope, but 4/5 isn't bad! Tuesday I had flatmate interviews and afterward I was just...tired. I didn't make it in like I'd planned. I thought it was just social anxiety draining me, but I think it was that plus I was coming down with a cold or something. It only got worse until I went home and fell asleep at 7 pm on Friday night.

I may not have gone into the office every single day, but I still worked until very late hours on the day that I stayed home due to some major deadlines. Under the circumstances, I did well. GO ME!! 

Next week will be nuts as I finish off a 45 min keynote talk for my conference and pack and find a flatmate and and and. I am still feeling sick, though, so I will do a lot of my work from home and try to rest a lot.

2. Make a plan to exercise every day, whether this happens or not.

I missed Tuesday and Friday. 3x a week isn't bad, eh?

Again, super proud of myself. I am doing really well. If I don't end up going to the US for my work conference, the stress will lift a little and I can add a weight lifting class, an HIIT class, and a Flexibility class.
  
I may have had a little stumble in a high stress week, but GO ME. 





Next week I'll try not to expose too many people (or myself) to pathogens but will try to go 2-3x to keep up my fitness.


Concerns About My Goals/Lessons Learned: 

• The answer to: "Can I do 5 days in a row of working out plus 5 days of productive office-going?" is still no, not consistently. One week is great, and one is not so great, ad infinitum. It is a work in progress. What matters is that I forgive myself for stumbles and keep trying.
• This week I continued with shorter breaks (1 min) and it works about half the time. Better than nothing? I'll keep with it until it is a habit, then slowly increase the break time as needed.

Other Aspirations: Wins and Losses

• I'm still trying to find flatmates. It is a slog, takes up a ton of time and so much social energy (I hate it when I'm not in the mood).
• The $500 Feb 'celebration' money will be reserved in case I don't find a flatmate before I leave this Saturday (reminder: I met that $50K goal end January so I am taking February off from saving).
• I had offered the place to some great potential flatties, but it turned out they found a different place. Again, I cried immediately after finding out--I have so much stress already that the news broke me a little for a few minutes--but then got back to work. I immediately set up new showings & held them on Sunday, which yielded two new great applicants. Resilience is key to success.
• Food planning: check! Financial tracking,: check! Vitamins portioned out: check! Bare minimum personal and household maintenance tasks: check!
• Menu last week:
• Breakfast: sandwich thin + butter + poached egg with spirulina smoothie
• Lunch: pre-made tortellini + feta sauce + peas + red capsicum + zucchini
• Dinner: Salad with hot roast chicken breast pieces, red capsicum, apple, strawberries, sunflower seeds, pine nuts, pumpkin seeds, ground flax, with this yummy sounding dressing. If this isn't enough, I'll add a side of mac n cheese + peas.
• snacks: strawberries + melted dark chocolate + peanut butter, salted cashews
• Menu this week:
• Breakfast: spirulina smoothie + egg + toast
• Lunch: tuna with hard boiled egg, with chipotle mayo sauce on butter lettuce leaves, cheddar cheese, and apple slices
• Dinner: BBQ chicken pieces, southern style green beans, roast kumara
• snacks: strawberries + melted dark chocolate + peanut butter, salted cashews
• I have continued my Duolingo streak for 69 days--I had to use a streak freeze in there several days. I've just been crazy busy.
• I have packed 90% for for my March US trip. I am taking a lot of my summer stuff back.

New category--postponed stuff:

• I still need to make an ISO (image) of my work hard drive before I leave.
• I have my last eye surgery appointment this week. I postponed it because I was feeling overwhelmed. It is now scheduled for May.
• I have a doctor's appointment this week--also postponed. I'm getting a normal gyno check up, getting my blood work done (thyroid, iron, B12, normal fatigue stuff), and getting my eczema prescription refilled. I'll ask for a lower-dosage cream to slowly ween myself off the steroids. My eczema still needs to be checked by the doc--my skin is flaking off, still, 2 months since I tried to go cold turkey off the steroids.
• I still need to make a dermatology appointment. I need to check on my eczema, etc.
• I still really need to to my boss about moving home. 
• I am feeling antsy about my rewards credit cards and travel plans. That means that it is time to review it and update it again.  

The Age-Old Flatmate Conundrum: Money or Comfort

Having to find new flatmates at a stressful time (right before I go to a big-deal work conference overseas) and dealing with lots of other concerns (including getting a non-COVID19 cold or allergy) has wiped me right the eff out. My weekly goal update post is late as a result--it will come soon and explain how I've been, but for now, I'm focused on the main financial and existential stressor in my life: finding someone(s) with whom to share the burden of a $600 per week rent + $60 per week utility bill.

This is something that doesn't just come down to the numbers for me--it is also about feeling comfortable and welcome in my home, my sanctuary.

With a couple sharing the rent and utilities, I get a huge reprieve on my rent, because couples pay more, it just makes sense. The downsides are that I have the jigsaw puzzle of two other people's schedules and personalities to contend with, and it is hard to find a couple where I feel comfortable with *both* people. More often than not, with heterosexual couples, I feel very comfortable with the woman, but not the man, but sometimes it is the opposite. If they break complex or my landlord's rules, there is also the 2-against-1 situation, and I have to clean up the mess myself since I am the only one on the lease. It's just more work, more hassle, more to deal with.

With a single person, the cost is higher but the rewards are greater: I only have to feel comfortable with ONE person, share a bathroom and common areas with ONE person, and I get to choose that one person. There are no 'package deals,' unless the single person becomes ...not-single. The downsides are all financial.

I thought I'd found the perfect mix: a couple, both of whom I felt comfortable with, but they flaked out at the last second. So now I'm stuck:

Applicant #1: a single woman. We get on like a house on fire, and it was clear she would make an amazing flatmate. If $$ weren't an issue, I'd already have sent the email welcoming her to her new flat.

Applicant #2: a couple. The guy is fantastic, but I'm slightly iffy about the woman. I'd be friends with him in a heartbeat but the woman was slightly annoying in the 45 min chat we had. I could live with her, sure, though. We don't have to be BFFs. If $$ were the only issue, I'd choose them, hands down.

The money difference is vast: a little over $4K difference over 1 year. That is more than half what I manage to save every year. Also, I'm about to cut the hours on my job so I can focus on my PhD, so my income will plummet starting 1 July. I am really not sure what to do.

On one hand, I've been enduring having couples to live with for so long, I also feel like I've more than paid my dues to have a year where I just live with one person. I've also rarely met a single person in my interviews that I got along with so well. On the other, I don't want to feel financial stress, and I know I could live with the couple just fine. 

Is it OK to stop saving, or plan to dip into my savings for a year to be comfortable while I finish my PhD?

What would you do?






ETA: Typing this out made my decision clear. Thanks, blog!

Weekly 2020 Goal Check In: Week 8 - A Spanner in the Works

For Week 8: 24 Feb - 1 Mar


Main Goals

1. Go to the office every work day. 

Yes. I did this. Every single day, yes. There was 1 day that I was mildly tempted to stay home and not have to change out of my pjs (thanks, hormones), but my obligation to go to the gym and the fact that my work computer is way more useful for the work I'm doing right now meant that going into my office every day prevailed. Several days I stayed til midnight.

My life is so incredibly boring now. I see why I avoided this work-gym-home routine before now. Every single day/week is *exactly* the same and I hate it. I hate the way the weeks go by and I don't remember anything from them. I hate that I have no thoughts other than work-gym-food-sleep-shower-errands-chores. I have always avoided becoming this person because I was afraid of who I'd turn into, and everything I was afraid of is happening. I am a robot. I just may be the most boring person alive today, and I hate that my life is passing me by without me remembering it or enjoying it or savoring the precious little time I have.

Despite my need for stability, I crave the freedom to change my schedule at my own whim, work whenever and wherever I please and want, when inspiration strikes. That element is very missing at the moment.

Still, until I get to a good place with my PhD, I need to keep going. I can rest and do what I want after I have the degree in hand.

Also--my boringness notwithstanding--GO ME!! A huge pat on the back is in order. This is probably the first week where going in every day wasn't a humongous mental obstacle to overcome. I did it, with minimal self-convincing, and managed to be relatively productive while in the office. I can always do better, but I need to stop thinking about that--progress is what matters here. I will leave it at that, on a high note, with no self-punishing caveats. I did well this week, and I'm incredibly proud of myself.



2. Make a plan to exercise every day, whether this happens or not.

YEAH, BUDDY. Again, it took some self-convincing on Thursday after dropping a full 1L smoothie bottle on my big toe (it is bruised but OK), and on Friday when I was really tempted to just go home--it was a rough day as it was the bad day of my cycle. I always feel horrible and tired and gross that day, but I pushed myself to go both days anyway, and made it through. Also, knowing that I would have to type out why I didn't go and didn't fulfill my every day goal pushes me. I had better have a really good reason not to go now. It is working!!

Again, super proud of myself. I am doing really well. So well, in fact, that I am seriously thinking of adding more work out classes to my routine--a weight lifting class would be a good addition to my whole body fitness, as would a HIIT class. I also want to add the Flexibility class too. Could I be turning into someone who likes working out?

(answer: no)
 
Still--GO ME. In all seriousness--I am awesome for sticking with this like I have.



Concerns About My Goals/Lessons Learned: 

• The answer to: "Can I do 5 days in a row of working out plus 5 days of productive office-going?" is still no, not consistently. I stay up too late a lot. I think I am just going to go with it, sleep in when I need to, and wake up early when I have to.
  
• I keep ignoring my timed breaks because I'm 'in the zone.' I don't know how to stop myself, and I figure out a way around every break software ever. I'm too smart/determined for it. Maybe if I make breaks shorter, they will be more palatable, and I can work up to longer ones?? Solutions:
• This week I tried shorter breaks (1 min) and it works about half the time. Better than nothing? I'll keep with it until it is a habit, then slowly increase the break time as needed.

Other Aspirations: Wins and Losses

• OMG. This week a huge spanner got thrown in the works. My flatmates told me that they are moving out, right in the middle of my April vacation. WTF. This also represents a huge problem because I am maybe planning on leaving NZ end May, so that means I basically have to lie to the new flatties and pretend that I'm staying and renewing the lease in early June. Maybe the landlord won't make them move out and will just give them the new lease? I feel *really* terrible about this.
• I guess the good news is that some of the losses I incur from lost rental income can be made up by the $500 Feb 'celebration' money I am not saving to a house down payment fund (reminder: I met that $50K goal end January so I am taking February off from saving) 
• Best news: I cried immediately after finding out--I have so much stress already that the news broke me a little for a few minutes--but then got to work. I already have an ad out and have 6 potential candidates interviewing today (Sunday) and Tuesday. I'm hoping someone works out from that group and I can just get this nightmare over with.
• Food planning: check! Financial tracking,: check! Vitamins portioned out: check! Bare minimum personal and household maintenance tasks: check!
• Menu last week:
• Breakfast: sandwich thin + butter + poached egg with spirulina smoothie
• Lunch: Zambrero burritos
• Dinners: "Garden Alfredo:" veggie chicken fetticine alfredo (links are to recipes I mix up according to what I like). I made a low fat version with low fat cream cheese. Veggies are red and yellow peppers, zucchini, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, and peas.
• snacks: strawberries, dark chocolate, salted cashews 
• leftovers: thai curry from my favorite place, cheeseburger and kumara fries from Burger Wisconsin, a new joint I discovered when I was in another city in NZ for work. They have branches in Auckland!
• Menu this week:
• Breakfast: 
• Lunch: pre-made tortellini + feta sauce + peas + red capsicum + zucchini
• Dinner: Salad with hot roast chicken breast pieces, red capsicum, apple, strawberries, sunflower seeds, pine nuts, pumpkin seeds, ground flax, with this yummy sounding dressing. If this isn't enough, I'll add a side of mac n cheese + peas.
• snacks: strawberries + melted dark chocolate + peanut butter, salted cashews 
• I have continued my Duolingo streak for 62 days. ¡olé!
• Got my mom this cool puzzle book for her birthday. I hope she likes it :)
• I need to make an ISO (image) of my work hard drive before I leave. When will I have the time, though?!
• I have my last eye surgery appointment this week.
• I have a doctor's appointment this week. I'm getting a normal gyno check up, getting my blood work done (thyroid, iron, B12, normal fatigue stuff), and getting my eczema prescription refilled. I'll ask for a lower-dosage cream to slowly ween myself off the steroids. My eczema still needs to be checked by the doc--my skin is flaking off, still, 2 months since I tried to go cold turkey off the steroids.
• I still need to make a dermatology appointment. I need to check on my eczema, etc.
• I still really need to to my boss about moving home. It is sort of set in my head and heart. The only thing tripping me up is that I'd have to give up my apartment, which is a complete deal for me, in the perfect location, the perfect set up, a great landlord that lets me rent-hack and have complete freedom and control. There is no way I'll ever have it this good again in Auckland if I give it up. I will be accepting that I'm probably not coming back to NZ if I give it up, and I don't like that.
• I have sorted out car rental stuff for my March US trip. I would like to do a little bit more reading on itinerary options and talk to my fellow road trippers.
• I have pulled down my 2 suitcases for my March US trip. I need to make a list of things to take back to the US in case I move back in June/July, and start packing it. Basically--all my summer stuff :)
• I am feeling antsy about my rewards credit cards and travel plans. That means that it is time to review it and update it again.