I've written before about how my sister has hurt me by making horrible decisions. Last night I found out that she got back together with an ex-boyfriend who is the craziest, most abusive of them all.
When I came home on my trip, she was with this guy--they had been together for about 3 weeks. The first weekend she was at home to hang out with me, he broke up with her via Facebook. The next day, they get back together, and two weeks later, she is hanging out with me again, and he breaks up with her via text.
That is bad enough, but get this: the first time he broke up with her via Fbook, he did it right before sleeping with another person. The second time, he did it right after coming on to my sister's roommate, who he had known for 24 hours.
Then we find out that he is married. She says she wants a divorce and he won't sign the papers, he says she won't. She says that he cheated on her and physically abused her.
Guess you know who I believe in that he-said, she-said nonsense.
Before I left, my sister was about to get together with him for a third time. I lost it. I am already so worried about her re: her weight and diabetes and horrible eating habits, and financial habits, and now she was ready to go back to a known abuser who has only hurt her badly in the 30 days she has known him. I broke down in tears & told her in no uncertain terms that if she kept making bad decisions, I was going to have to distance myself from her and let her go, because I can't just stand there and watch her either eat herself to death, let others take advantage of her, or be completely brain-washed and abused. I was at the end of my rope, and I couldn't do it anymore. Miraculously, this seemed to get through to her. She mentioned that she knew what I was saying was true--she wasn't making the right decision by getting back together with him--and that her eating habits were also horrible and she would do better.
When I left last Thursday, she was in good spirits, had a firm resolve to never see this guy again, and was making very positive changes in her eating and fitness habits. I was buoyed by her new determination, and felt that she was in a good space.
Last night, she emailed me to let me know that she had gotten back together with the guy. I laughed, thinking it was a joke, and called her just to make sure. She called today and confirmed that it wasn't a joke.
So I did the only thing I could do. I told her that everything I said when I was home still stands. I am cutting her out of my life, my only sister, because to not do so is to invite more abuse from her. I would be as bad as she is, going back for more, if I stood by. I feel like I have done absolutely, positively everything I could possibly do to help her. Nothing works. I don't know how to help her, and nothing I do or say will help her until she is ready to help herself. So I have a choice: slowly watch the trainwreck swallow my sister whole and destroy her, or walk away so I don't have to watch it.
Walking away isn't easy, either, though. I was bawling all day in my work bathroom today because of it. My best friend and only sister is as good as gone. I have faith that it will be easier to write her off now than to see her slowly disintegrate into this life she is choosing to lead, where she lets herself get taken advantage of at every turn and is swayed by every voice in her ear. It hurts so badly either way, but walking away now is the only way I know how to protect myself. I can't hear about it from NZ and feel so helpless anymore. I just can't know what is going on. I have to move on.
It is very, very painful, but it is the only thing I know how to do at this point.
3 comments:
How awful that it has come to this. I hope in time she'll realise her worth. Letting her go may serve her well in the long run, as without you to fall back on she'll need to look inside herself to find the strength to pick herself up. I hope everything works out.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I don't have any words of comfort to offer.
I hate that there's nothing to be done, sometimes, but watch others self destruct.
I watched this happen (rather violently) at what was meant to be a triple birthday celebration last weekend, resulting in T nearly disowning his clan. Unfortunately it was a case of far little far far too late. It was ugly.
Families.
Oh, thank you for your kind words, both of you.
I got very upset the day I had to confront her, but I'm still waiting for the consequences to really hit me. I think I'm hoping she'll just come to her senses suddenly and it will be unnecessary for me to have to cut her out so drastically. I'm still in denial. I also hate that my mom and dad can't do the same as I have--they are stuck watching this. Parents pretty much have no choice but to always try, and hope for the best for their kids. It is heartbreaking, what this is doing to my mother, and I hate my sister for putting her through so much pain.
Oh, why do people do such horrible things to themselves?
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