July 2026 Life Update

These are getting very long so I've broken my usual monthly update post into two: a Life Update and my detailed monthly budget and spending accounting.

Life Update

GRIEF

• No real update here, so I'll repeat last month's update (again): This continues to be the centerpiece of my life. It is my immediate feeling when I wake up, as I go about my day, and as I drift off to sleep. It permeates everything. I think it may be getting worse as reality sinks in. A true living nightmare. I do not think it is getting better. If anything, the loss is compounding as the things I wish I could tell him or talk to him about pile up.
  
  
• July was the eighth full month without my dad, and my first ever birthday in my life without my father. I'm SO LUCKY I have so many people around me wanting to celebrate my milestones, but my heart just feels sadness about the one key missing person not able to be there.
  
  
• During every weekly phone call with my Mom and sister, I still bring him up at least once. Sometimes I just need to say his name and for other people to tell me they miss him just as much as I do. I just want him involved in the conversation as usual, I guess. Even though I'm atheist/agnostic, in case he is somehow able to listen, I need him to know he is still a part of our lives and thoughts. 
  
  He'd normally be interrupting and dominating the conversation. It's a bit boring and quiet and rote without him, and I miss his boisterous, sometimes obnoxious energy so much. It's just all so hard.
  
  
• I'm still sad that my Mom will be selling my childhood home in the next year or so.

 

PhD & WORK 

• I haven't even started on the hard tasks for my PhD revisions. I keep procrastinating it. I hate it so much. That should motivate me to get it done but it just does the opposite. I will be turning in whatever I have on 31 August and just telling my supervisor that is the best I can do. I will not be working on it anymore. If it means I don't get the PhD at this last hurdle, whatever. I do not care anymore.
   
  
• I am still in a legal battle with my employer. But I have not heard from them, nor my union rep, since my last update! I have left it as I am scared and had so many other things to do. But it is time to contact my rep again to discuss next steps. I'm now ready to take it all the way to the courts. They are making me extremely angry. 
  
  It is purely a nonsensical University policy thing preventing me from continuing my funded job. I therefore want the EXACT policy and law they are basing their decision on, but they have never provided it. At the VERY LEAST, after 18 years, I feel that Uni HR owes me some answers. 
  
  My boss keeps assigning me work, meeting me, etc. like normal. I am working for free now, though. 
  
  Someone at my project's partner organisation is trying to get me hired instead. They keep saying everything looks positive, but nothing concrete has come through yet. I will take a 1/3 paycut if it goes through, but it is my favorite thing in the world so I think it is worth it. And I'll have a ton of free time to improve my health over the 8 months the contract would be for. If it goes through, I'll very much look forward to that.
   
  I'm not holding my breath for either the union rep to get results nor the hiring at the other organisation to come through, but I appreciate all the work people are doing.  

HEALTH & LIVING

• With my 18 year job fiasco, no matter what happens, I'm down to 70% of my salary in July and August. I put out a flatmate ad and after a few interview disasters, finally found someone I think I can run into in the kitchen and not hate life. She is only here until November. The income helps massively with the financial stress, and my gut was right that she is great - clean, quiet, pays rent on time, and easy to chat to (when I feel like talking). 
  
  
• I have not been going to the gym. I'm just down in the dumps, never feel like going. It is the task switching aspect of it for me, plus wanting/needing to get certain bits of work done, plus the amount of time in my day it takes up. I wish I could get focused on my physical health again, but my grief just has taken over my life completely. Even going for a walk feels like too much.
  
  
• I have now followed up on my urgent care visit where they found blood in my urine during an acute gut pain and vomiting attack (left side so not appendix!) in May. The first follow up test found white blood cells. The last time I saw my former doc she told me my symptoms were in my head so I went looking made an appointment with a new one. She was great and followed up on everything I've been asking about immediately. 
  
  Soon I will get a ferritin IV injection and last Friday I had a CT scan for my gut issue. Crossed fingers it is something easy to treat, and nothing too scary. And thank goodness that my private health insurance covered the $1100 CT scan cost! That already covers about 5 months of the 7 monthly premiums I've paid out so far, so so far it is worth it.
  
  
• With all the stress and flatmate being in the kitchen and my birthday and defense celebrations, I've started eating out and eating more junk food than I probably should. I'll try to get back on the healthier train in August.
  
  
• I'm trying to get my supplements sorted. I still take fish oil, probiotics, some fibre, multivitamin, and B12. I still need to add back iron, magnesium, and get more fiber in there, but those all can cause gut issues. I ran out of biosil drops. Heck, maybe those have been causing my gut issues. Who knows if they really do anything, but I feel so tired and awful all of the time, I feel like I need to try something.
  
  
• I did research and found a physio I want to try out, but when I went to make an appointment, I got a notice saying they are not taking new clients! Now I need to do more research. GRRR.
  
  
• I also want to go to the dermatologist, but I've run out of time to get that done before I leave for the US. I'll do that when I return to NZ in October/November.
  
  
• I set up my free optometry check up through work for August since I get that perk as a staff member until my current contract ends. I have to get a form filled out by work. 

 

TRAVEL & FUN 

• July is my birthday month so I had a nice birthday dinner with friends. Another friend held a Christmas in July party. 
  
  
• I have a weekly 'date' with some friends to catch up and watch a tv show. We are watching Wayward right now.
  
  
• My feelings about travel right now are just a repeat of recent months: I saved up for so much travel post-PhD! But post-my dad passing, I do not feel like being anywhere except my home, cozy in solitude and in my comfy bed, or with my family in the US. Nowhere else has any sort of appeal right now. I want familiarity and low energy activities. The travel I do is usually the exact opposite of those things, and I can't fathom spending tons of money just to lay in a strange bed, not seeing or experiencing the new sights and culture around me - I may as well just stay home in a controlled environment if I'm going to just want comfort.
  
  

FAMILY

• My sister found out there is something wrong with her blood counts last month. The docs referred her to a cancer clinic but their first opening isn't until August, so we have to wait until then to get answers. 
  
  
• Mom has started interviewing retirement homes to see where she wants to move for her elder care.
   

MONEY THOUGHTS & MOVES

• My income went to 0.7 FTE, but I offset my costs by getting a flatmate. 
   
• My 0.7 FTE income is only guaranteed through 31 August. That is not expected to renew. Right now, I have zero job or income prospects after that date.
  
  
• My usual car service, Mevo, went into receivership and I had $1500 NZD worth of credit with them that I bought with a US credit card. I complained to chatgpt and they said to write into the US consumer financial protections office. The bank the credit card is with investigated. In June they awarded that money back ($1243 USD)! It is sitting as credit on a card I canceled long ago so I have to write to them to get the money sent to me in a check form I guess, when I visit the US.
  
  
• Someone from my hometown church searched my name in the state unclaimed funds database and I am owed $300 USD! My mom put in the claim for me and I just got a notice that the check is in the mail. I should have it while in the US. 
  
  I guess that means that I'll have $300 + $1243 USD extra to spend while on my trip in the US.
  
   

MONTHLY CHALLENGES

• Previously my challenge was to get back on the healthy exercise train, but I keep failing. I have made some strides with eating less junk, though. But I give UP on the rest, I can't do it right now. I just try to get through the days as best I can.
  
  I have so much on in July and August that I don't expect this to change anytime soon. Maybe when I return from my US trip in mid October. Right now I am just doing the easiest self care possible (e.g. massages) and trying to get back in touch with my brain and body.