It's the number one fear. I think I have some sort of disability, actually, in that the very mention of a talk by anyone makes my stomach flip over and initiates my flight or fight response--I immediately want to run and hide underneath my bed. I worry that I have symptoms of avoidant personality disorder.
My boss mentioned the talk to me back in June--a public talk to over 600 people in a huge auditorium at a conference taking place in a few weeks. This is a big deal. Initially, I sort of brushed it off and thought (hoped) that my abstract wouldn't get accepted, or even better, they'd just downgrade me to a poster presentation due to the small time slot that the conference has and the volume of submissions they get. Poster presentations are much easier to cope with--you just chat with whoever happens to stop at your poster while drinking beer or wine. Sooo much less stress-inducing in comparison.
But I just got put on the talks list--they didn't get enough submissions for talks, so they are actually asking more people to present talks instead of posters this time. Ugh. Part of me wants to plan to be sick that day. Or lose my voice. Or something. I wake up every day now and think, How am I going to do this? or alternately, I want to lose myself in a movie to take my mind off of it. I can't just be still and quiet anymore--it's all consuming.
I was given direction by my boss to put together this talk last July, before I left for my 2 month vacation. Did I work on it? Kind of. I slapped together an outline of the basics, and didn't touch it again until last week.
Why? Because I am 100%, absolutely bat-faced crazy with fear. The thought of it, which is always in the back of my mind, is bringing up every neuroses and procrastinating tool I have in my arsenal. My brain is super-creative when I don't want to do something! I am having serious nightmares about it, and it's over 3 weeks away. How will I be when it is only a week, or a day, or God help me, 5 minutes away?! I am going to be a quivering jelly, sweaty mess. I won't be able to eat for days before. Perhaps I should seek some help. Does anyone have any Xanax I can borrow?
I've tried all the tricks: visualizing doing well, practicing my opening 2 minutes til its memorized, etc. I'm still really scared. But I'll do it, I have to. I have to let go, and just give in. There's no fighting it, I have to be as prepared as I can be so I will feel better about it. That makes sense, right? Then why am I still trying to procrastinate??
Every other work task I have (including the poster for a different boss for the same conference) is done. My rationale (ahem, excuse) was that I wanted to get the littler things out of the way so I could put my full concentration on the talk. Well, it's 5 pm on a Saturday, the deadline to get it done is Monday, and I'm watching movies online. And blogging. Sigh.
The actual putting together of the talk is pretty easy--not the hard task I made it out to be. And fun! I like this kind of work. I just don't like what the end-product means: that I have to publicly speak to an audience of 600 people who will all judge my work. And me. And how good of a scientist I am. This is an international conference, and if I want to get my PhD, or even get a job with the organization that I want in the US, I can't screw this up. I can't. At the same time, I know my skills enough to know that I will get through it, but I will be very obviously nervous and my voice will shake and I may put people to sleep and I may forget a few points because that is just how I do at talks.
In grad school, I took several classes where I had to give a presentation every week. Every year, we all had to take a class on proper scientific talk techniques, and had to give a talk to the entire department--I took that class 4 times. For my Master's degree, I had to give an hour-long oral defense of my project to roughly 60 people (one of my advisors fell asleep during it!). So I've been down this road before--and know that even with weekly practice and annual instruction and review on how to give a good talk, I'm just not an excellent speaker. I haven't given a talk in over a year (and that was to about 15 people), and before that, I hadn't given a talk in 5 years! I'm definitely out of practice. Shoot, I get anxious when I talk in a group of 3 or more people in a casual setting!
I'm also worried about the actual science of this talk. My boss wanted me to do it, but I'm not convinced that the presentation adds anything new--a problem in science. If I were a good speaker, I'd just make the presentation funny and fun with great pictures, but I'm not that kind of speaker. I have to know that my subject matter is a good contribution, and that my knowledge of it is solid. I know neither in this case. I don't think my boss really knows what's up sometimes.
In conclusion, I will get through this, but if I freak out in more posts, it is because thoughts of this are all-consuming. I'm freaked out. I mean: 600 people. Me. Freaked.
2 comments:
Not as easy to get over there, but have you tried Valium?
Also, I don't know if this will work for you, but I'm also *really* not comfortable with public speaking. I find, though, that if I prepare well, the terror of being in front of all those people with them all listening to and staring at me kicks me into a sort of "amuse them and they won't eat you" kind of auto-pilot. After which I just have to watch the time, and my brain runs things without me.
I really do suggest the Valium, tho- if you can get it.
I stayed home sick when I was 10, because at the last minute I could handle the thought of performing in front of my class - it was our talent quest and me and my best friend were going to do a dance to a 5ive song -_-.
Perhaps for future talks, it might be good to join Toastmasters? Lord knows I need to, but thankfully I'm not in a line of work where I have to give talks and presentations *shudder.
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